cucumber-of-doom
cucumber of doom
34. she/her. german. huge geek.hannibal. james bond. star wars. the witcher. podcasts. pacific rim. anime. literature. cute things. spooky things. morbid things.
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After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel - who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair - and says:
“I can’t believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It’s full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd.”
Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.
“Ow!”
“Did you know,” says Gretel, “that crows are capable of facial recognition?”
“Eh?” Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. “What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Not only that,” Gretel continues, “but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they’ll often follow people they remember as friends.”
The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel’s hands.
“Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!”
She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.
“For example,” Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, “if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they’ll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food.”
The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.
“They’ll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!” Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.
“Oh shitballs.” Says the witch, as the crows descend. “I hope you know this is a great unkindness.”
“Technically,” Says Gretel, “It’s a murder.”
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Queen of Crete overrules her husband and raises their new son normally, prince turns out real okay actually.
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I saw (this post) and HAD to draw Aziraphale ✨️
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saw someone say that they block "ageless blogs" and for a moment i imagined, like, cthulhu having a tumblr
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elon musk had a third child with grimes that he kept secret until the release of his biography. he named it techno mechanicus
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People talk about the surprise albums from people like Taylor Swift or Beyoncé that drop with zero warning but I have just been existing in this world where every album I've ever heard in my life has been a surprise album because I didn't know that musicians had schedules that we could see
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just saw your curry ketchup tag in my notifs. thought wait what post could that possibly have been. did not expect it to be that one.
I raise you candle-with-a-pancake-wrapped-around-it as a dildo.
(I've read more questionable fanfic than has been good for me)
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fandom sucks now I never see PSAs for writers about what can and cannot be used as lube
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mutuals in my heart we are all doing arts n crafts together
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this tweet from abdirak’s writer makes me SO happy
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🔹 Saying that it's okay to write or read about dark and taboo topics but only when they're portrayed in a certain way is still censorship.
🔹 Wanting to ban or forbid media that you believe portrays a negative topic in a positive light, by glorifying, romanticizing, or fetishizing it is still censorship.
🔹 There is no objective metric to decide if a story is portraying a negative topic the 'right' way.
🔹 Just because a piece of fiction doesn't explicitly condemn or portray an evil action in a bad light in the text doesn't mean the author thinks its good or is trying to persuade the audience that it is good.
🔹 Survivors of trauma will not always write fiction about their trauma in a way that seems 'right' or 'normal' to you.
🔹 Banning fiction because it portrays dark, taboo topics in a way you consider gross or disgusting is still censorship.
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