crypticmotherfucker
Chronic Illness Vent Blog
Enjoy my suffering, folks . I go by Rat, They/He. 21. (mdd, gad, c-ptsd, AuDHD, OSDD, insomnia) recovering anorexic and addict Hypopituitarism(adrenal insufficiency and secondary hypothyroidism). Asthma. Spinal canal issues. FND. CFS/ME, Dysautonomia, Celiac disease
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Your trauma is still valid even if you鈥檙e coping okay now or if it doesn鈥檛 affect you as much anymore. That doesn鈥檛 mean it wasn鈥檛 a big deal or anything like that.
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I'm good. I swear I can be good. Just give me the chance to prove I'm good. I'm not bad I promise please.
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TW abuse
Just remembering that my mother last month while I was crashing at their house between a move threatened to kill me over closing the bathroom door slightly too loud in the middle of the night.
And that she gaslit me about neglecting me. And uh... then continued to neglect me.
And that maybe... that was... traumatic... and reactivated some of my negative survival mechanisms... and maybe... that it's reasonable to be the way I am rn.
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Ramelteon is also a godsend. No drowsiness like benzos cause. Doesn't always work tho.
Things I recommend trying for insomnia (as someone who has had an insomnia diagnosis for 15 years) (none of these are a cure, and they might not help everyone, but the definately help most of the time) :
-tart cherry extract
-5htp
-L-theanine
-Valerian
-Chamomile
-magnesium (a lot of people are magnesium deficient due to less nutrients in food now)
-badger sleep Balm (has linalool and smells so good, if it doesnt help then heck atleast you smell good)
-a weighted blanket. Or compression sheet
-blue light filters on my phone, blue light filters on my glasses, reducing light in my bedroom.
-warm/hot showers before bed, causes the body to drop temperature in response to the heat so when you get out it's similar to the way your body reduces temperature in your sleep. Or something like this. Be careful with this if you have heat sensitivity or POTs.
-keeping it around 64-70 degrees
-but also using a heated blanket (b careful with this one but using a heated blanket or a heating pad has helped me sleep especially on anxious nights.)
-I try to avoid melatonin but I will use SMALL doses some nights. In combination. With herbal supplements.
-the better sleep app. I think it's only like 30$ annually and it has so many things like mediations, stories, hundreds of sounds, customizable and pre made sound mixes, breathing exercises, stretches. It's so good.
- Benzos (klonopin, xanax). I have to personally stay away from hypnotics bc of other chronic health issues but my klonopin helps when I use it short term on particularly bad episodes of insomnia. Talk to your doctor!!
-its also worth considering giving a medical marijuanna card a try. While it can reduce REM, getting some sleep is better than getting no sleep for me personally. It also matters the terpenes and the cannibinoid contents within each strain, but that would require a whole other post.
I've heard Saffron helps, especially in people with adhd but I've yet to give that one a try.
I found that a bed tent helped me when my insomnia was worsened from paranoia of things getting me in my sleep, it made me feel safer. But I don't need it anymore.
-don't take benadryl to try to sleep it's really bad for your health and most doctors are trying to lean away from it
And with supplements make sure to do your research. Learn how each one interacts with the body. And research on brands, im yet to find a perfect brand but when I find one I will update yall. I did like sugar bear hair when I tried it but it wasn't totally ideal.
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fighting the urge to ask "did i do something wrong?" every time anyone i care about is upset and i dont know why
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My memories are like a bunch of files in file folders and my inner child is scribbling all over then and my inner teen is burning them and I'm crying trying to stop them both bc I need some of that.
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This is not about your feelings
My whole life it's been about your feelings
Let me have a goddamn turn
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"You didnt meet enough of my emotional or physical needs when I was younger."
"You're being mean :(."
"Right ok sorry my bad for being upset that you neglected me."
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Ah yeah those are flowers next to that pit of despair. If you read the card it says "from mom."
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You can thank my mother and catholic school for my mental problems btw
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The feelings I have right now have been brewing for years. Spoiling. Rotting. Churning in my stomach. Fermenting until they bubble up. The feelings I have right now could not have grown without you feeding them. Why do you act like it's not your fault
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Fine whatever. Keep pretending like you were a good mother.
It's not like I have OSDD and BPD as a result of a childhood I can barely remember but it's OK. It's not like those disorders are specifically caused by years of abuse or anything.
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I think God might be real, but I hate him.
(Tw religion, violence, child abuse, sexual assault, medical neglect)
I've done nothing but try to be kind my whole life. I dedicated most of it to him. But he let those who were supposed to protect me leave bruises. He let me go hungry. He let my ex lovers abuse me. He did not stop him from r@ping a 6 year old child. And he did not stop another man from doing it again when I was 17.
And yet all of them, were his most holy. He let them use him to exempt themselves from the consequences of their actions. The most evil people I've ever met all have crosses hanging from their neck.
He did not answer when I was crying every night for a way out, for something to change. He did not answer when I begged for the pain to stop. He did not answer when I was 11 years old and wanted to die. And he did not greet me when I tried.
He never answered when I asked him why I felt so sick. And he was never by my side in the emergency room of the hospital created in his name when I was scared my body was going to kill me. He's never held my hair while I sat curled up next to the toilet all night. He never helped me off the floor when I couldn't get up myself.
I dedicate most of my life to him, trust him with my whole heart, and that's what I get? Abuse, neglect, mental illness, and chronic diseases?
If God is real... he is a bad father and I'm allowed to be angry at him about it.
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Christians to me are like wolves parading as a flock of sheep.
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Nobody ever talks about loving someone so much that you'll wait forever for them that isn't in a way that is super sad so I'm gonna do it. It's okay that you're scared to love. It's okay that you don't know what to do with your hands. It's okay if you only ever want to be friends. My heart is full of so much love for you. You can have as much of it as you want.
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I dont think you understand
She said it would hold my hand thru the shower curtain if I was too overwhelmed to shower together but didn't wanna be alone after sex.
I'm in love with her.
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Just two transmascs and the slowest slowburn to ever slowburn
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