creune
Creune
Just a person doing person things
29 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
Text
Long time no ramble, huh
I'm back by unpopular demand and with exactly zero brainpower
And hell, if anyone would have told me how much petty shit you have to do when creating a card game I probably don't try to do that for class
Okay, that's a lie, I absolutely would have
But still
My entire weekend is going to be an unbalanced and insane amounts of sprite making (for my partner's game), card art creation for my own game, art for an unrelated class and studying like crazy for the tests next week
It doesn't sound that bad until you realize I have, only for myself, over sixty images to create
Realistically, not doing all of them this weekend
But you can bet your ass I will try anyway, while trying to understand the difference between different operating system generations, AI search tech and other stuff like that
I'm creating my own hell, as usual
And most likely for nothing, as the unrelated project is to be submitted to teachers who don't seem to grasp the concept of a manual
Or coding for that matter
But that aside, it's actually the chillest semester I've had so far
Lots of projects, few tests, only one 8am class
I know hell is coming but I'm enjoying the peace while it lasts
In other news, I've upgraded into a DM. So far I've had two players:
My partner, chronic minmaxer, troll of the century, theater kid of gay proportions, smartest and dumbest player at the exact same second, with a knack for evil characters and one shotting bosses
And a dude who we don't even know the actual name of (a friend of a dormmate that never showed up so we legit just don't even know the guy at all) who knows the recipe for explosives by heart and tried to calculate the ph level of magic acid and wrote himself out of the roleplay part of the adventure entirely. Also is never free so no session for a while now
It's been an experience, in ways I wouldn't have expected
In both a "please stop sniffing dust" way and in a way of learning to be more social on my end, even if sometimes that has to include sentences as "no, you can't have a carpet bomb as a lvl2 character" or "if you throw a decapitated head at a [insert non-violent type npc here], they won't wanna talk to you"
I love the chaos
I've also had some other stuff creep up on me that reset some progress I made in my behaviors and just becoming less depressed, but I managed to overcome it with the help of my partner. At least mostly. But hey, could be worse. Could have entirely destroyed myself. That would have sucked
I have a lot of things I wanna do and for all of that I need myself so, can't afford to lose me
For example, the goddamn card game that is hell incarnate
It's the unholy abomination child of yugioh with inscription, getting fucked sideways by slay the spire
I'm both excited to actually make it and hate everything about it
I have way too many shit going on as usual and I'm 100% sure not a single other soul will care but
It's a game I wanna make so I'll make it, even if for myself (for class, I am making a demo version cause there's no way in hell I make the whole thing in 4-5 weeks)
Only issue is that writing had to be sidelined again
But oh well
Passing my classes is a bit more important
And when I write, I can actually say I'm proud of what I'm doing
I am happy with my work on all fronts
Which is new and weird but also just
It's so freaking great
I can fuckin smile when I make my silly lil stories or cards or whatever
Life's good y'all
It really gets good
And I'm so damn happy it does
It's so fun
It's exciting
It's awesome
Yeah that's it
I just wanted to make a lil update on life
Cause I'm actually feeling happy consistently
And I felt like sharing that
0 notes
Text
My practice turned into a proper story
It is it's own project now which is a nice change of pace from the beast-like writing project and mountains of uni work I have to do
Which is to say, I can't show shit for anything cause it is a proper thing under development
Which, knowing my track record, I should have expected
I have a serious issue with my project growing way too complicated and huge and stuff
Like
I have way too much ambition for zero skills
And yet I keep working, and telling myself that no, this will stay in it's original scope
Just to promptly double the size and keep raising that multiplier like a necromancer raises the dead
I mean
What's life without a little challenge
Or projects to work on
I am turning 60 before I finish, aren't I
Eh
Who cares
Infinite fun, plus not a single soul reads this shit anyway so no one to care about my speeds and horrible habits of wanting to create way too much
It's honestly nice
Working without any expectations
But still feeling like I'm talking to people
My partner must be bored to shits with my pointless ramblings about geography of landmass or inner workings and history of sentient and sassy weaponry
But honestly, these are all just small background projects in my life that I have to keep pausing as actual life commitments smash me in the face, day after day
I just wanna write, man
I don't wanna have to prep for a million different tests, work on so much school projects that I forget what day it is (which I regularly do anyway but point stands) and just everything else
But that's life, ey
Can't wait for the day when I can work and make enough money to retire or not work all the time so I can turn my attention to what really has been calling me since I was little
Probably not happening and I'll be somewhat working sometimes
But yeah
God, I hate capitalism
0 notes
Text
So I've hit a rough patch
Not with creativity, I have ideas galore
But mentally
Feelings of worthlessness and low energy cropping up yet again to spit in my face when I was actually getting stuff done, syphoning my energy and trying to bring me to a halt
These have not been nice
My partner is doing everything to help deal with it, and I don't even understand why
I know, love and all that, but just
Lack the understanding of why not just look for someone lower maintenance
I'm trying to hold it together as best I can, but it's not that easy to convince myself that jumping out of a window would not be pleasant sometimes
I think I'm doing well enough, considering I have not yet had a close meeting with pavement
I don't really get why these happen, always at random, just fucking over whatever is going on, making my partner worry and me not being able to do much of anything other than literally force myself to see the bright side yet again, just for it to come back and repeat the whole thing
It's annoying
I don't like it
And I don't really know what to do with them
These aren't new things, but they haven't been this bad in so long I forgot how to stop these since then
I think so much death and negativity around me might have something to do with it, alongside being the emotional punching bag whenever I leave my room
Cause yeah, my grandpa also kicked the bucket not too long ago
Which shocked everyone, except me for some reason
Like, when you have serious brain damage due to being an alcoholic fuck, it's kind of expected after a summer in the hospital
I don't really feel any sadness for that one, but it clearly had a worse effect on everyone else than my great grandma's
Except for me of course
Which means that I'm getting screamed at and lectured every time they see me outside my room, for shit that's not even my responsibility or fault
Been fun
Not really but whatever
I still try to keep spirits up or at least entertain myself when they force me to interact
Recently my favorite past time is giving reasonable explanations and just plain reasons and logic as to why something they scream at me for is not really my fault and refuse to be gaslit, and just seeing how quickly I can make them devolve into just plain calling me names
Haven't been doing that since I was a lil shit
I still am one, just grown up and aware of the reality of the situation
I just refuse to be treated like crap over their grief
If they would actually like, communicate with me like adults, there would be absolutely no issues
But being berated over expectations that have never ever been set is not the way
But that always happens
They get stressed and take it out on me
I don't know what I did wrong to be on the receiving end of a stress ball, but oh well
I mean, I know exactly why they don't like me, I'm not the person they wanted me to be, but I don't think wanting to be myself is a good enough reason for that bs
I wouldn't really care if it wouldn't keep destroying any self-worth I scramble together and make me wanna kiss the floor face first from a skyscraper
I have my own emotions and life to manage, I really don't have the capacity to deal with their underdeveloped coping mechanisms
I'm honestly only scared of hurting my partner by being too much of a hassle and ruining their grades, he doesn't deserve that, and I don't wanna lose her (love this goofball more than anything else in this world and the fear of that happening is just, yeah)
In other news, my classes have started and I am having fun. Most of it is scary as shit cause I don't yet understand it but, I'll get there
Hopefully
And regarding my work, I will have a lot less time and energy to work on it, but I'm trying
I'm just
Trying
Cause not trying would mean giving up, but I won't
Not on my work, not on my dreams, not on my life, not anything
The task may feel like building a pyramid from scratch by myself sometimes, but I know that it will be worth it
For me, it will be worth it
For you, I'm not sure, depends on your taste tbh
If it's "misery", you're at the right place
I have never been able to create a happy story, no matter how hard I tried to make it happen, so chances are, I'm not gonna suddenly develop the ability to do so
If I can force myself to do so, you might even get some drawings while I'm creating
Probably not, can't bring myself to post my art cause it's not very nice on the eyes
But maybe one day
Just like how one day, I will actually be able to can
I am falling asleep while typing so that's my que to shut up
0 notes
Text
So with the map complete and a day off for eyeball working benefits (I have unfortunately used some strong colors as base landscapes for better visibility and some cool undertones on the land mass and smaller islands so I needed to reset my retinas into a working condition) I have the first step complete and some new things in place for the story to come together
Sadly I won't be able to put too much time into it due to college and later on work, but hey, slow and steady
I am proud of myself and taking all the small victories cause this will be a long ass ride and if I focus only on the end I will burn out faster than a match in a forestfire
So yeah
Small steps, steady steps, it's better then no steps
I have two things to do at this point in time
1, outline the world and the important elements that will need to be understood to make the world a lively and interesting enough place. This will be a bit of a smaller step but no less important than anything else. I need to know how the world works to keep things consistent throughout. But that is all for me to know and for you, dear reader, to wait for
2, tune my writing skills back into action. I need to get back into this stuff so I know what I'm doing when I'm working on this project. As stated before in a post I don't know how to quote, I haven't written in a few years properly so I will try and get some warm ups and practices in as much as I can while struggling through college
These goals are a lot more manageable with the limited free time I will have for a bit before getting to the next steps
Most of them will be similar planning of ideas, characters etc. And when, how and why they exist in the story, where are they and all that stuff, flashing out locations a bit more, add as necessary, outline the plot and arcs and what happens etc
Lots of smaller stuff that will come together to help me get everything done in the end with a book that may or may not be as thick as my head
I have a bad habit of being carried away and an even worse habit of actually following through with my worst ideas
I still struggle to see a specific shade of blue after the last one without my eyes going blurry
So yeah
If I decide I will make something stupid for no better reason than I want it to be like that, I will
Anyway
You will be seeing my writing practice pieces when I make them because at this point this is a journal of both progress on this and just my emotional state and fears and stuff
No one checks this stuff at all anyway, so, might as well just let loose some stuff I don't feel like dealing with or talking through with people
So I can share my excitement, practice, bullshit and anything else
Which means you are subject to me attempting to create a project of monstrous proportions
Practice pieces coming soon as well
And still absolutely nothing certain about what I'm making until I made it
Why?
Feels better this way
At least I can pretend the random internet people are excited for something I'm making for once
Anyway
It's way too late for these rambles
Also, if anyone looks my way, could you drop a codename for the project to tag it under? I codename even my codenames so hard they don't make sense anymore and that might help with that
#rambles#i am going to write this#sorry about the confusing mess btw#but seriously a proper tag for this stuff would be nice at this point#i am horrible at giving titles so a tag is even worse#if nothing else my determination of 'i am going to write this' will keep it nicely together so unless there's a better idea that's the tag
0 notes
Text
The Great Muses, Ancient Beings or the Fucked Up Beasts Screaming Outside have blessed me with inspiration today
So I got to work on my project
Kinda
I just drew a very basic first draft of the map that kinda helped realize a few things I wasn't sure of before so that's neat
Sadly, the realization was that the current version of the map is completely useless. But it's because of how much land is depicted vs how much is in the story which made me realize a few things about the world I wasn't sure of so
Ya win some, ya loose some
I still couldn't get myself to write but
Hey
Baby steps
I'm gonna get there at some point
I have some short writing practice ideas to get the rust off already and I'm feeling myself getting more excited to finally get to grab this story by the cuff and grind it into words
Small things and stuff clearing up, while others become more muddy due to questions that I come up with about the things I want to do
In a good way, like "why is X acting like Y", "where is Z's place in everything", "at what point does this or that happen"
All that stuff
I do have a long
And I mean looooong way to go, obviously
But I take all the small victories I can get
Cause writing is hard and getting back into it is even harder
I know exactly the reason why now at least
It's all just self-doubt, that motherfucker
But I can and will work past it, and won't let it stop me from enjoying creation
Because I create for myself
And the fear that some person who stumbles upon it hating or misunderstanding whatever I create is bullshit anyway
I can't please everyone
So I will create the story I want to tell, regardless of any imaginary crowd reading it
Because fuck it all
I will write
Even if I hate everything the moment I read it back
Like
My skills are not up to par at this moment, sure
But I'll work on it
And I'll work on this story
And fuck it, I'm not giving up this time
If y'all don't like it, fuckin block me
I ain't backing down this time and I will create something
It won't be grand or anything
But it will be mine
#rambles#i am going to write this#i really should stop putting out confusing and entirely random rants in the middle of the night tho#sorry about the confusing mess btw#also drawing maps is harder than it looks#props to any cartographer out there#dizzy af ranting#i should probably start tagging the stuff related to this specific project of mine#too bad I don't have a title yet or anything to share really#at least that I want to share as of now so ideas are welcome
0 notes
Text
Sometimes people forget to grow up and it shows
I don't mean that people are childish or something like that, I don't mean plushies, cartoons or whatever hobbies people claim to be childish nowadays (I refuse to use social media outside of this one, and I solely use it to rant, ramble and talk when I can't sleep)
I mean like
Actual growth
Like, realizing that certain behaviors are bad and it can hurt them or others around, failing to look at what is and isn't important in favor of the childhood ideation of a "prince charming" or whatever else, not knowing that growing up isn't just getting a job or being tall, but about emotional maturity as well
Specifically, what confuses me today, is people's views on romance, love and relationships
I am probably mostly confused cause I am a demu person who thought was ace for almost two decades so a lot of the stuff like "type" or "down bad for xyz" or the need to have someone
I got lucky, I wasn't even looking at all when I found someone
And I most likely never look for this in my life (and not just because I do believe this relationship is going to last, but because, again, I'm demi, I don't really look for it, I don't feel it unless some heavy criteria is fulfilled called "complete trust and comfort/safety with someone")
But enough about me
Let's talk about everyone else for a moment, and the childlike mentality which I don't think does anyone any good
When people read a lot, watch a lot of shows or consume any kind of media, they tend to get fictional crushes, right?
And it can and does bleed over into what type of people they are attracted to in real life, influencing their attraction to certain characteristics, at least as far as I can tell
Cause this is where the growing up and the looks on romance start to become
Less good
At least, when certain characteristics are unhealthy, toxic, abusive etc.
It came to mind when I had some conversation with some friends who do have a yearning for a partner, one has a potential mate, the other not even that
So some stuff came up and types were discussed
All fine and good, but I have been getting some weird vibes that I just put in the back of my mind cause I had other stuff to deal with at that moment
But I remembered and found it kinda strange
It was about how, not just in fiction but even in real life, they preferred mentally damaged/scarred people
How they found it hot
How someone hurting themselves made that person more attractive to them
Kinda freaked me the fuck out internally, but again, had other stuff on my mind
I do believe that you should want your partner to be happy and comfortable with you, that you should help them and they should help you when it comes to being alright
And I get wanting to help people or giving them comfort, that's one thing
But finding people hurting sexy is another
And the more I notice that trend, of fictional crushes influencing people's tastes, the more I realize that it's pretty common
Which is disturbing to me for, hopefully, understandable reasons
Especially as I see more and more people excuse abusive behavior in fiction because the character doing it is "hot" or they're "just traumatized and it's okay"
And that makes me ask the question "will people excuse this behavior in real life too? Will they think it's okay?"
Apparently the answer seems to be yes
And I don't mean being manipulated into accepting it, but looking at it from the get-go as "hot"
And yeah, I do understand bdsm culture, but in this instance I don't mean that or the kinks where both parties are unharmed long therm like biting or choking or something like that
I am talking about actual, genuine abuse
I truly do worry for those friends
Especially when I can't be sure they're mature enough to understand the difference, that they will be smart enough not to jump into something that hurts them just to have a partner and then believe it not just okay but "hot" when they're being beaten, berated or worse
Because I do believe that some of this stuff at least, is because they haven't matured, haven't grown up yet mentally
They're adults but lack a level of understanding and responsibility
And I don't just say it like because of this, but because of a ton of stuff they did and the ways they acted when I met up with them just a few days ago
Not being able to separate a criticism/opinion of something they like from being told they're hated, not accepting different opinions of something they love, not hearing warnings or ignoring questions that are important to understand, being oblivious when they overstep and refuse to accept no as an answer themselves, splurging on unnecessary things and having to worry about it later on, only thinking of extremes as possibilities
And some specific stuff with the potential partner of one of theirs, which I hope I'm wrong about but I still worry
All you need to know is that this entire friend group is lgbt+ and this potential partner is very much, not too friendly to the group, willing to learn which gives me hope, but only when being spoonfed information and refuses to try to learn by themselves, and just has a pretty different world view from the friend, which is okay to an extent, but considering the context of the friend being part of the group in question, yeah
I think you see my worry there
I call this person a potential mate because they and the friend have not discussed their standing and refuse to until my friend visited their place, on the other end of the country, while their family does not know where they are (that last bit was my friend's own doing but still, this country isn't the safest, my friend should know better)
This person keeps getting banned from the game they play together for being such a toxic ass that they keep being reported for it and the potential mate does not understand why it keeps happening, and is genuinely confused
My friend quoted a message, in a "cute" voice: "I didn't even tell this person to kill themselves, why am I banned" which is just immature in my opinion but also what else will they "not understand"?
And there's some more but you get the jist
No proper communication and established boundaries, with expectations on both end which can be very different expectations
But it's all fine because they're "nice" and "understanding" and, you guessed it "bwokwen uwu"
I don't know details about that but I do believe it's mental health stuff
And a dash of "I want to be with someone, I do not care"
Like
When someone talks about meeting someone they like and the one thing they can bring up as exciting or cool is they will "stop being repressed (read: can fuck finally)"
There's nothing wrong with feeling free, with being able to break out
However when that's the only thing you can think of, I do think that might be a bit too early for a serious relationship
It might just be me tho, as I can't even imagine kissing someone without enough trust, more less hop into a whole ass relationship
My other friend is just truly down bad and believes that anyone that smiles in their direction might be interested in a relationship
Which, in my opinion, is pretty damn stupid
Especially when those people are getting payed for it, like waiters/waitresses and the like
Which is a huge reason why I fear that if anyone gives this friend any attention, they will be way too easy for any abusive asshole to take a hold of them
Plus they are convinced that prisoner/prison guard type romace is actually romantic and that it's all good and that power dynamics don't matter which is especially concerning
But again
I might just not understand romace and crushes and lust and all that
I mean, truly, what do I know?
I've never felt like I had to have someone by my side
Maybe it's just normal behavior and maybe these things are all okay and I'm just completely misunderstanding it
Maybe people really don't talk about the serious future until they have established a proper relationship, or it's normal to think everyone who gives you attention loves you or to believe suffering in real people is still very sexy
Maybe it isn't and I'm right to be concerned
Maybe it's in the middle somewhere
I genuinely don't know
I can't even really imagine what it must be like to yearn for something like that
Like, I wouldn't trade what I have for the entire world, don't get me wrong
I love my partner more than life itself
But, if I never met em, I wouldn't be looking all around for someone to be there
Or if things end, I would just continue life as usual
I can't imagine why people care more about having a partner than their own happiness
Especially from the perspective of having a healthy one, and wondering why people would rather settle than be patient to reach this height of happy
Like
For anyone wondering
The right one definitely isn't gonna beat you, call you names, want you to give up your hobbies, destroy your confidence, invalidate your being or force you to follow through with life-changing decisions, like having kids or moving somewhere specific or whatever
It's more like, life's a carriage you both pull, sometimes one of you will have to pull harder to help out the other, but then the other will do the same for you as well
But as it stands, I swear, all this media about abusers being romanticized and people saying their life is in ruains when they don't have a romantic partner and stuff is rotting everyone's brains and muddying the real life image of actual, true love that everyone deserves but not everyone gets to experience
As long as people can't differentiate between what they find hot in fiction and real life and what is and isn't okay in real life, it's gonna be a fucked up journey for many
0 notes
Text
Another late night rant cause I cannot sleep even tho I'm exhausted
This time, including a new topic:
Writing
Exciting, isn't it?
So anyway, I have a project I have been planning for years at this point
But no matter what, I can't make all the pieces fit neatly the way I want them to, to start properly writing it
And I've been thinking and trying and planning and looking over my notes, but something was always missing
A lot of things actually, but those are the things I craft inside the story, not outside it
But I am starting to realize that I am missing a key for this lock
I am still trying to figure out exactly what it is, but I have a hunch
I have a good hunch actually, for one of them at least
For this one tho
I'm missing a "melody" so to say
I'm obviously not looking to put literal music into writing, but let's just say I'm missing a "melody" from a "song" which my narrative rests upon
And until I have that "song", I can't really build onto it, ya feel me?
And the other is, I have realized that to move in this world, I need to "see"
I have many a characters, creatures and concepts, planned from start to finish, I can "feel" them, yet not "see" them
Which is to say, I finally need to start drawing that darn map I've been planning since day 1
Drawing usually helps me immerse myself in the story of whatever I'm working on, helps me connect in a way
So I will have to start trying to connect more closely with the world I've created, to be able to tell it's story the way it should be told
And who knows, it might even lead to that "melody" I so desperately need
Or at least I'll have a cool map on hand to actually plan stuff out as is
With my current state of "creativity limbo", I know that even starting on any of this, is not gonna be easy, more less finishing it
But this one idea, this one story, I just can't let go of
Not because it has too much to say or anything great
I don't even know why this one idea grappled me more than any other I've worked on then left behind halfway through (halfway is way too generous but the point very much stands)
But it did
And I'm not letting go of it
I will find that "melody" and I will let this "song" be heard, and shape my world in a way it always meant to
Even if it takes a lifetime
I don't have a reason as to why, I just really want to create this thing that took residence in my mind and refuses to let go
Can ya blame me?
Cause you should
#rambles#i am going to write this#you will hear everything or nothing about this#probably nothing tbh but oh well#tags are funny cause no one will find anything by the ones I use but it makes me feel like it's a neat blog and not a mess of my brainvomit#you will not get any information out of these tags fuckers#or maybe you will but you'll never know until it's too late
0 notes
Text
My head hurts and I can't sleep so that means, vent time
I feel insane
There's no much going around it
My partner was staying over and noticed that my family talks about me as if I was crazy
Just
Plain insane
And then we got to talking about my family and his family's opinions and
I don't even know anymore
Logically, I know that everything has happened
I remember
I can recall everything
But
A part of me refuses to believe me
That part keeps screaming at me that they couldn't be that bad, look at them now, how they're communicating, and accepting of opinions and answers they don't like and
But then the rest of me remembers
I flinched when my partner would raise his hand, to pat me on the head
He never hurt me once, I doubt he ever will
He was confused and I explained
It sounded made up to him, as he comes from a healthy family where everyone respects each other and care and love unconditionally, with no expectations attached
I still stop when my mother calls out my name if there's a slight hint of annoyance or anger in her voice, agreeing no matter what, not asking questions just saying "yes" or "I'll get to it"
She doesn't scream at me anymore for saying no
I still can't bring myself to risk it
I avoid the touch of my father
I hate it when his hand is anywhere near my neck or could restrict me
I know it's just hugs, but I can't stop struggling to break free
I know I can't have just imagined almost two decades of my life
But when I hear that my partners parents think I'm overreacting, I can't help but agree
I mean
It couldn't have been that bad
Just, look at them now, they're not monsters, they are not taking their emotions out on you, they're not going to lose their shit when you open your mouth to tell a joke
I always blamed my bad timing when my jokes ended up in screaming
Yet it's one of those things I never could stop
It might be a switch for them to become completely enraged out of the blue, but at least there was a chance that they would laugh
It was a minefield I kept wandering into
Pulling little bits and jokes and hoping to make them happy
Now they think I'm crazy
I'm fine with that
But I'm also horribly scared
Because
If I was wrong, then what truly happened during all those years?
If I overreacted, what was I supposed to do?
And if it really never happened, why am I like this?
Am I crazy?
Am I just a mess, trying to make sense of itself?
I'm scared of never truly knowing
But I'm also scared of finding out
I just
I don't know
I feel completely lost
I just wish I could sleep forever
Sadly, I have way too much shit to do for that
But goddamn what I would give to know what's what anymore
Or some direction
Something
Anything
0 notes
Text
I have come to face a realization from an extremely strange source about the world we live in, the media being created around us
So get ready for a nonsense, all over the place rant, while I'm feeling woozy af and forgetting where I'm going with most of my thoughts
Let's go
So, I was browsing YouTube as usual when I'm procrastinating, when I decided to click on a specific video. Nothing special, a horror game story analysis and explanation, basically a summary of what happens. I watch those sometimes to get a grasp for a game or just don't feel like sitting through hours of playthroughs
The game in question? My friendly neighborhood
Spoilers for the game from this point on btw. I don't know how to use the site to tag properly but you've been warned
I've seen it float around, watched some gameplay of it when the demo came out
Seemed like the usual mascot horror. You know the type. Dead people, creepy toys coming to life, trying to survive them etc. So at first I was just like "did the kids or crew get to possess the puppets this time"
But it wasn't anything like that
The puppets are alive. Not in a possession way, but just, living creatures with thoughts and feelings and ideas. That was the first thing that caught my attention. "No dead kids in a mascot horror game? That's new" I thought. So I kept watching the summary and the more information got revealed the more I realized something
This game wanted to say something
And say it did
Through the use of the horror genre, it didn't just subvert expectations from a story perspective, it made it's own stand, it said something it wanted to
Not about how people and workplaces are horrible, how murdered people seek revenge, not about a hopeless escape or a struggle for survival
It said something that I haven't seen in horror games in so long
It said something about hope
It said something about kindness
It said something about how, if people can learn to be good again, hopeful again, to smile again, we could be happier
And, for me, it was shocking, coming from a mascot horror game
And then, I scrolled through YouTube again, and saw the same thing that happened on the tv on My friendly neighborhood
Negativity, bad news, hopeless outlooks and searching for the bad in everything
Admittedly, I know that's probably my fault, cause the algorithm works like that
But considering how most of those, I had no previous interest in, how those came from other corners of YouTube
I can make a safe assumption that that happens to a lot more viewers than not
And not just that
Every time I scroll down the Google news thingy, even if I'm only ever clicking on memes or gaming news, it's still full of the negative, hopeless gunk that at this point I just ignore and scroll past
Only for those to pop back again and again, from different sites
I stopped scrolling through news for that reason
And even in films and shows
The very things that supposed to provide us with escapism
They show broken worlds, hateful people
I cannot for the life of me watch an "adult" film or show anymore
I couldn't put my finger on it for years, until this game made me realize how much of what I have watched showed the broken world, leaving bitter people that rely on themselves and push everyone away as a "good" thing
How a lot of them showed that caring for another is stupid and pointless because you will always be betrayed by those you love
How the world cannot and will not help you, even if you cry and beg for a sliver of help
A sign of hope
Call me childish, but when I want to have fun, my idea isn't to watch another fucked up world fucking up people. If I want to see that, I can look out my window. I can stare my family in the face, to feel utter hopeleness and loneliness in a broken world, as I know they will never love me as I am
So yeah
I stopped watching that too
But the negativity is inherently in everything nowadays
Every day, there's new YouTube drama in my feed, there's a new show about an unwinnable fight where you should give up and learn to leaver everyone behind, where you have to be afraid of everyone's intentions, a new person "proving" that there is no goodness left in humans
But then comes My friendly neighborhood, and says "you know what? Screw you. We can scare you without making you feel hopeless for the future of humanity. We can show you, that even in a broken world, there is hope and kindness and that's what makes people happy and good and life worth living" and it's completely right
I don't live when I'm just surviving on junk
I live when I see my partner smile, when I see my gush about his training, when I read the snippets of a book my friend is writing. I live when I tell them how proud I am, when I help them carry a bag, when I tell a joke to brighten their mood. I live when I am kind. I live when I am in a community, when I give help, and when I know I can ask for it when I need it
I live when I'm playing overdramatic to make people laugh, because their laughter gives me hope, and brings light into a world with barely any left. And that's what makes life worth it
Not sitting alone and wondering what xyz's intentions are when they offered to give you a ride hope, not being wary of the stranger who said "have a nice day", not consuming media that makes me feel alone and untrusting, not when seeing how people "turned bad", not when I hear news of the world rotting
Those have made me the farthest thing from alive
Those have made me think "I should always avoid people, just in case", "I should learn how to beat people up, just in case", "I should never say a word about anything, just in case someone will backstab me" or on worse days "According to these facts, if I stopped existing, it would be better"
Not exactly the best things to think, when you always hear about how one product in your house is inherently evil or how you not screaming on the streets and getting shot for something you believe in is "not enough", or just constantly hearing how everyone else is horrible
How the girl wearing makeup is a bitch
How that boy with muscles is an asshole
How those people playing card games are useless gamblers or gatekeeping assholes, depending on the game
How that chick is a golddigger for sure and how that guy is also one
Without ever getting to know any of them
Because that's what we're being shown
I bet you've had specific images of people you have seen on tv pop up in every single example
That when you look at people on the street, you put them into these categories yourself
I can't blame you
That's what you're given by everything around you
But don't forget to get to know them, before you truly make a judgement call, okay?
Because maybe that person just needs someone to talk to
Or maybe they're going through stuff you'll never imagine
Or you might be right
But you will never know
And trust me, talking to people with kindness, making them smile, it will guarantee that the world, even if just for a second, is a brighter place
And if you are kind to someone, they will probably also be kind to others. Or they will learn with time, when the world is too kind for them to remain an asshole. When they will feel out of place for being a jerk or being called out for constantly bringing others down
With kindness, there is strength needed, and not just physical
And I think My friendly neighborhood expresses that element nicely
Gordon is a war veteran, what he's carrying is not easy to face, yet when he can help those around him, when he helps the puppets, he has to look his past in the eyes and say "it will be alright, I know what it's like". Of course he isn't healed magically, but it shows a strength needed to be kind to those who need it
And I love that in the game
It does something that many don't dare anymore
It dares to show hope
You know, it ironically reminded me of dark souls
Now, stay with me here
Game is known for difficult boss fights and minmaxers and memes, right?
Cause I never hear anyone really discuss its themes or a critical element, the very reason why the game is even possible
Hope
The game shows the power, the will, the strength needed to chase for a sliver of hope that the world can get better
In the world of tragedies and monsters and dying and undeath, the game always tells you, that you never truly turn into a murderous zombie, as long as you have a will strong enough to hold onto your humanity. The hope that you might be someone to keep the fires burning. Because wether that's a good thing or bad, is not the point of that strength. You don't fight for the "good" or "right" thing. Most don't even care. Because what matters is that you, and by extension, your character, has a strong enough will to hold on till the end, a reason to keep on fighting
For another example of this, look at Solaire, who as far as I know, is a fan favorite. He is the definition of kindness, of hope, of always looking for the light, literally or figuratively
It of course is set in a world where you can't trust everyone, like patches. But it also shows the beauty of the world, the good, the things worth fighting for
My friendly neighborhood does something similar, but in a more clear and hopefully way
Of saying that the world itself can heal if people learn to be kind again
And I think that's beautiful
And something we have so little of anymore
In a world where even our media is growing hopeless and bleak, a horror game of all things, giving hope for a better world, for living happy, for trusting in people yet again
It's truly inspiring
I just wish we had more hopeful things like that in every corner of the internet, of gaming, of tv, of the world itself
No one wants to die a bitter, old person
And the knowledge that we don't have to, is the truest power we have against it
Have hope y'all
Be kind
Learn to love instead of hate
It will get you to a happier place in life
And happy is one of the best things you can be
#video games#i dont know#long ass rant#be nice y'all#have hope#hopepunk?#dizzy af ranting#sorry about the confusing mess btw
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
The funniest realization ever is discovering that my parents are convinced that being sensitive to caffeine and it's effect are the same as me being overhyped on sugar when I was like 12
When I mentioned how even my heart speeds up, alongside everything else (for only two hours and ngl, I felt scared the entire time cause that was not how it was supposed to go after two sips of cheap iced coffee that everyone claims is weak as shit)
They were genuinely confused
And I'm like, trying to explain but they walk away as usual, probably thinking I'm overexaggerating or something
Cause it's supposed to look like I'm on the same sugar rush I was at 12 (which is basically the normal response to coffee, gets more lively but that's about it, no painful and all day long crash, no extreme speeds, no heart rate in the sky, just energy)
It's so goddamn funny to me, especially since they are like "we always knew that cause you got hyped on too much sugar when you were younger"
I wish I was kidding
Cause back then I was on waaay too much sugar cause I was drinking exclusively Coke. They let me do that, for some reason which confuses me, cause they are obsessed with health and weight but they did let me live solely on the most unhealthy, sugary, sweet drink in the country for years, until I realized that it's bad for me (no help from them, just me coming across that stuff being used against rust)
I am still addicted to sugary stuff, but I'm not overdoing it anymore and can drink whatever when it comes down to it
So yeah, they think that that is exactly what me being overly sensitive to caffeine looks like
But it's not
It's confusing, scary, feels like a heart attack and the crash afterwards is deliberating
I can't think or move as well as I like cause it hall hits me all at once
The pain from typing so fast my hands were in pain, for an hour, and my partner couldn't even SEE MY GODDAMN HANDS MOVING IT WAS SO FAST
My heart beating so fast my partner kept asking me if I was having a heart attack cause you could feel that shit by just putting your hand on my chest
All that felt multiplied during the multi-hour crash afterwards where I couldn't think at all, everything hurt and was confusing where I just wanted to sleep but could not close my eyes, it felt like I haven't slept in a week
And even then, I could barely sleep at night
Again
I had
2 SIPS
Of cheap coffee that everyone claims is weak as shit
That people who find normal coffee too strong can drink no issue
2 sips of that shit
And I'm having that reaction
And since my parents didn't see it themselves they believe it's like the sugar rush I had at 12
So they keep trying to offer me home coffee
Which is coffee beans with just enough liquid to be drinkable
Needless to say
No thanks
#coffee#caffine#I'm not drinking coffee ever again#except maybe for some experiments#caffeine#caffeine sensitivity
0 notes
Text
I am currently in a VC, watching my partner game with his friends and just thinking, cause I don't have anything better to do
I checked up on some things I haven't in a while and it made me realize something
I have removed myself from friends before for a specific reason
They refused to move forward
They refused change
Still do
They don't seem to understand that recreating something that is impossible to is only going to make them more said
Yearning for better times is fine, normal
But refusing to turn towards the now, to move on, it's not
I have seen some messages that made me realize that
That this place became toxic for me not because they were bad people
But because I changed, moved forward, found my own path
Yet they refused to move
I realized that everything felt so much the same, because it was
From what I've seen while checking in, they only see two options, go back to the past, before change happened, to years ago or give up and suffer in the now
But they don't see that change, that moving forward is another option
Not an easy one, don't get me wrong
But it's the option they need
Not what they want, sure, but absolutely what they need
They made me realize how stuck to "better times" they are, even now
Better times being when most people didn't have certain responsibilities and had more time to hang out, which again is fine
But when they refuse to accept that time moves ahead, that their now is wasted in a past that will never return, that they'd rather be bitter that even just look ahead, that's not the best
I get it, the future is unknown, scary
Sometimes you wish to go back when you didn't know just how scary it can be
But we all must accept that it is impossible
And soon what is now will be the past, and that future is the now
And if you refuse to even look, you will slip, fall, sink ever deeper in the wishes of a time of stable ground
But you will never see it if you refuse to walk towards it
I feel sad, really
Not in a pity way
But more in a "I hoped they would mature and grow, as I did, as those did who moved on (and also away)"
It is also strange how everyone who moved forward eventually left those who didn't behind
They all talk less, or not at all
I think they all know, deep down, that when you surround yourself with people stuck in the past for too long, you will become stuck yourself
Or maybe they all are just busy
Who knows
All I know is, that this realization is as strange as the people there, stuck in a past that will never return
I should have seen that before too
There were times when I noticed they yearned to recreate something, a fun thing that most participated in, over and over, even after it didn't work, every iteration less effective than the last
Like they are trying to recreate glory days
They could have created other things, new things
When there were experiments for those, more people got involved, as it was new, refreshing, interesting
But all those got abandoned in favor of an attempt to recreate the original, the one that involved all
But it never did
It never will
As far as I can tell, only a few are involved anymore
Telling the same story again and again
Playing the same moves over and over again
Singing the same songs over and over again
Yet it all blends together, into something they have all experienced before
Even I have forgotten about the magic of the first by now
It's been done so many times now, and even more since I have last checked
As they refuse to move on
To a new story, a new melody, a new page, a new step
You'd think that with so much time passing, they would learn
Yet they do not
As far as I can tell, they tried to take a look, then refused to look again, even less willing to take a step
I'm not sure tho
I just know what I see
And watching them yearn for times that people know will never happen, it is a sad thing
They will forever remain in that state of yearning, a state of suffering
They do not see the good things in the now, the possibilities of the next step, only the joys of what is now just memories
It is truly a sad state to be in, not able to move forward
Because while moving forward hides pain, it also hides hope, opportunity, happiness and joy
Change most often isn't a bad thing, it's just new
And new is scary
At least until the new becomes the now, then the past
But by then there's new now to live through
Good or bad
I think it's better than an eternity of yearning and hopeless wishes
And to anyone who might come across this and is too afraid to move forward or maybe is just not willing:
Moving forward isn't your enemy
The now isn't here to hurt you
The future isn't coming to rip you apart
Time is flowing forward
Resisting it is just going to cause you more pain
Change is a part of life, for better or for worse, but it cannot be stopped, no matter how much you try
So just, let the river of time take you with it
Let go of the branch you're holding onto
The river is wild, yes
But it will bring you to where you need to be
It will help you go forward, find new worlds to explore, new adventures to go on, new friends to make
It is not a smooth walk in the park, don't get me wrong
You will be knocked around for a while
But the river slows, the water gets shallow
And as you float down the river of time
You will find your peace
Under a sky filled with stars made of your hopes and your dreams
Those might not be what they are now
But you won't be either
Because you grow
Because you change
Because you move forward
0 notes
Text
Okay so
Me and my partner were gaming and decided to play Metal:Hellsinger
But after the tutorial we realized a few things that didn't seem to work for us:
1, His keyboard is way too big for me but I can't play an fps on a controller (my laptop can't run the game)
2, He has exactly zero sense of rhythm and can't time attacks to the beat
Our solution:
He contols the game as an autofire fps on his keyboard while I take the controller and shoot on the beat
He timed reloads to my beat and I could focus on keeping a mostly perfect beat via attacks
We beat the game in a few hours and we loved it
Honestly, would recommend this method for anyone who either can't aim for shit or has no sense of rhythm but has a friend or a gaming buddy or partner or anyone who does
The game itself was dope as fuck
Music is great, obviously, bosses and levels are cool, challanges are fun (mostly), and I loved the story as well
I really hope we're getting a sequel to that ending cause hoooooo-lyyy
Highly recommend the game to anyone
It's fun
Especially if you're good enough to hear the music (or work in a team to do so, honestly, just as fun)
The only thing stopping me from replaying it by myself is my laptop being too weak to run it
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I don't know if there's something wrong with me or what but
I am scared of my partner's parents
They are kind and compassionate people, absolutely nothing wrong with them
Which is what scares me
I'm used to being constantly told off, yelled at, threatened, that kinda stuff
So when I first saw my partner just leave a plate unwashed and I went to clean it, I felt terrified when his mother just told me to leave it, she'll do it with the rest, without any hint of passive agressiveness in her tone
Or when we ate together, when the degrading comments didn't happen, it felt so weird, so out of place
No comments about weight or studies other than a few light hearted jokes and casual conversations
No shaming anyone for eating what/how much they eat
Just
A normal meal in a family
And that's the usual for them
Not a show, a ruse, a play to the guests, but the every day
It terrifies me
I can't help but expect a blow-up, to hear a screaming argument, a door to be ripped open with angry sceams
And when it doesn't happen
It puts me more on edge than if it did
I don't even know what's going on anymore
I just wanna be able to happily enjoy time with my partner and his family, yet I can't help but constantly be on edge, to expect the worst to happen
I'll have an extended visit to them in a few days
I am scared beyond belief
In the back of my mind, it's just, my mother screaming "where are the gifts", the fears of the ticking time bomb that I know doesn't exist yet can't help but wait for it to go off, being a disappointment, a burden, despite being told countless times that I am not, I just
I wish I could run away, and I don't know why
Run from what?
I don't know
All I know is that I am scared and I don't want to be
Yet I am
And I'm rambling on and on about it here, into the endless void, expecting nothing yet hoping that maybe someone will give an answer
But until then, there's nothing else to do but trying keep it together
Freaking out would be rude
0 notes
Text
Still kicking
And will continue to do so, worry not
Although these messes of rambles are not easy to read grammatically so, sorry about that
It's more emotion that anything else
It just feels cathartic to post them
Hey, maybe someone will see them and find something they can take away from it
Like, small emotional lessions on what's what or just the feeling they aren't alone dealing with certain situations
Or maybe they come to the conclusion that it was a waste of time and eat a sandwich instead
Who knows?
I don't
Anyway, I have been facing a lot of internal stuff lately
One of them being some friends I have or had, I'm not sure anymore
I pulled away from them
I blamed my college classes for never having time to talk in the discord server we had
Still, told them my DMs are always open
And months passed without a single one
Which stings as before I sent a message to each one, in dms, every day
I sent them messages on birthdays, at least to those who had them since, they responded, had a small chat with each and back to radio silence
I have also gained to my tally
Guess how many remembered?
We were friends for a couple years, mind you
I can live with that
I have emotionally just, disctanced myself from them
Didn't leave the server, probably won't for a while
Can't be bothered
Also at least I have an easy way to check up on them once or twice a month
I never talk tho
I just, can't bring myself to it
I don't want to deal with all that emotional bullshit and talking people down and call me selfish but I am just tired of that
I'm tired of never having the option to feel my own emotions, to talk about what's bothering me, not even on bad days just to listen to one of them rant and bash and pushing me to the edge on purpose (admitted by one clear as day ib a message lost under a flurry of others, buried under issues and vents and judgement
I can't hate them, or feel even any negative about them tho
I mean, they were kids with serious issues
And I was another kid trying to help them
But one day I just
Snapped
It has been building and building for so long, as I held onto the happy memories, before stuff and things began to happen, before I had to question "is everyone else truly the problem or am I just so blinded?"
But at one point, I just had enough
I fully disconnected myself
I talked only once since then, and cut that short as well
One person did message me, but it was more about them wanting to rent than an actual conversation
It always was
But then again, what can you do?
I got tired of being angry, of being bitter, of dancing near the edges of breaking down but having to push through "just one more day", keep it together for "one more day", thex need you right now so keep it in for "one more day"
Biggest lie I told myself
It was the foolish belief that maybe the next will be my turn to finally let stuff out
Didn't know any better
Still don't
Probably never will
Taking up space was never something I could do without guilt
I just wish I ran at the first signs of trouble
But I was too naive
Believing that "hey, stuff happens, but everything will be okay", repeating the same mantra of "just be patient, you'll find your out, there's light" until it became something hollow
Something I could no longer believe
Something that kept me going to
All losing its meaning after so many repeating
Day after day after day, it became more and more empty until I no longer said it because I believed, but because I had to
I had to and I did
And people were willing to wait "just a little longer" to see if I was right
It worked, and that's what it needed to do
And as long as they were willing to try, that was enough for me
But there comes a point where you have to realize
That while others were willing to try, that even if they were hopeless, they were willing to humor you, because really, they felt they had nothing to loose, that after many late nights, a couple of severe cases of barely any sleep
You yourself don't have anyone to pull you back
You lost yourself trying to anchor others so bad, there's nothing left to keep yourself steady
So I became angry, and bitter
I was still joking around but I seethed on the inside
Because the "one more day" never came
It was more of the same, the same conversations, the same issues you cannot help, the same things of complaining but never acting yet waiting for a miracle
Waiting for the light to dig itself through a cavern
And I just couldn't get them to start digging up
It seems so simple, isn't it
"if you get angry by xyz, don't engage"
"starvation is bad for you, so is sleep deprivation"
"get off twitter if you think it's a cesspool"
Not doing anything yet expecting results, for other people to do the work for them
It gets grating after a while
And yet I tried
And the more I tried, the more I got burried myself
At some point I had to realize that I need to dig or I will be burried alive
That's how it felt
Being burried under so many people's issues and traumas and bad habits
I don't wanna knock on anyone who is struggling with trauma, mental issues, abuse
I know it's not an easy journey
I'm just hoping most of you realize that every journey starts by taking a single step, then another
And not by sitting and watching the end of a road, waiting for it to get closer
It will only slip farther
And again
I don't hate these people
They were my friends for a good while
But, I just couldn't keep going the way I was
I was too weak to walk with other people's bags, catching them when they fell, when whenever I slipped, no one would catch me, or help me up
Sometimes when people tell you that your efforts are worthless in their eyes because it's not enough proof you care, it kills you inside
Sometimes when you have to crisis manage at night while everyone is panicking, knowing full well you can't expect anyone to help, not because they can't, but because, after having been through the exact same song and dance so many times before, they still can't make a difference between a small issue or a real threat, you just learn to keep your own emotions to yourself, to read off of a script of "it's gonna be fine"
When the issues you do share are publicly turned against you, even if shared in private, or they are brought up to show that humans are inherently cruel, you start to believe it, that you don't deserve help or attention
Sometimes you just, want a shoulder to cry on ober losing family or over the fears of uncertainty and when they get brushed under the rug, you start feeling truly alone
I called them friends, because they were
But I can't even get myself to talk in that server, because of the fear, the anger, the resentment I still feel
The feeling if being used
I know I should have left earlier, before I got fed illusions, but I was blind to it until I couldn't take it anymore
There's nothing for me there anymore
And call me selfish, as I am, but I would like to live a happy life
A life where I can genuinely smile, be happy, play games or read or be away from my phone without guilt
I want to live my life free, I want to live my life happy
And call me selfish, but I don't care anymore
I can't bring myself to care
They sure as hell never did for me
So why would I bother for those who would let me sink?
I finally know who my true friends are, the people who truly care for me, who love me
Two were by my side all along, supporting me, listening, working together, all of us, so none of us would get left behind
One has entered my life and shook it up to hold me by my hand and show me what love is, showed me how to smile again, to have hope again
I just needed to let this out
So I can truly, genuinely believe it when I say
"It's going to be okay"
0 notes
Text
Sometimes you don't realize how deep you've been spiralling until someone says the exact same words and sentences you have told so many others before
Sometimes you're blind to the obvious until someone throws a mirror at your face and screams to look at yourself for a moment
Sometimes you think that not eating because you're too lazy to make food is okay, that only getting something in your stomach when your head begins to pound is normal, that you're just a bit busy
But it never is, is it
Sometimes I don't feel like getting up, just wanting to lay down and fade away, you know
But I promised my partner that I will not be doing that, so now I have to just
Keep going I guess
I don't know
I don't know if I can or if I even should
If I'm just too selfish to cling into the things I don't deserve or if it is okay to fo so
I'm scared, you know
That I will hurt him
I already have
I don't want to
But I just can't shut up, can I
Because the comments about the concrete floor under my window were so hilarious, right
Saying you have ways to make yourself rot to someone worried about you is such a great idea, isn't it
I almost lost him because of my stupid bullshit comments
I don't think it would have been a joke anymore
But he doesn't need to know that
All he needs to know is that I'm still kicking
If it's a good or bad thing is up for reader interpretation
But I am forced to stick around either way
I'm not breaking my promises
0 notes
Text
Out of all the games I've played recently, I did NOT expect the rhythm/bullet hell game with the simplest art style and nice, simple colors to go into eldritch horror territory ngl
Fuckin loved it tho
A story, pleasing art style, epic music, what more could you want?
Oh yeah, eldritch abomination
Got that too
For some reason
1 note
·
View note
Text
So, correct me if I'm wrong as I haven't seen the films in years.
But
If I remember correctly, Light Furys and Night Fury's are different spices/subspecies of dragons. Which would mean that their offspring, the nightlights are a new species of dragins entirely. They would be the results of an interspecies relationship. Which would mean that maybe other dragons are also capable of producing offsprings with different, probably similar at least in some ways, dragons
So, seeing the dragon designs and inbreeding implications I've been thinking
IF different types of dragons can produce offsprings, kinda like dogs and cats
Maybe
Just maybe
They could have avoided the implications of Toothless' family tree being a single branch
By
Yk
Including the possibilities of other, somewhat similar and yet unknown dragons mating with those offspring to avoid inbreeding AND allowing them to create some interesting and cool designs in the dragon realms
Like, just imagine
They already created a bunch of new dragons
Why not invoke the nostalgia for the old dragons by having dragons fly by with those characteristics but clearly mixed with other dragons
Or hell, have the kids' dragons be descendants of those species or even the original dragons
Just imagine all the cool designs that could happen
And most importantly
AVOID THE DAMN INBREEDING
Even if I'm wrong about it already happening with the night and light furies
They fucked up the continuity, so might as well add one more and make it at least cool
Just an idea
5 notes
·
View notes