Got my niece a camera that prints sticker photos and suddenly I'm the villain, and not my niece, the one actually bursting into bathrooms and taking pictures.

My niece talked me out of a toy today with my refund money that I know I will come to regret, because it's a camera that instantly prints color photos on sticker paper. I've probably made a tactical error here.

My favorite bakery is closing. I'm not okay about this. Don't even say maple bacon donuts are the same at big chain restaurants, because they're not, and they never will be.

My niece is going to have problems in life, because she's like literally me but tiny. Asked her what juice she wanted at the store, she said, "The one with the grapes."

Anyways, she's all mad at me because I bought grape juice, when what she actually wanted was Hawaiian Punch, and I can't even be mad because my stupid-ass couldn't tell you what kind of car anyone in my family drives if my life depended on it. We both take after my mom's side of the family. Our DNA stacked charisma, not intelligence.

Honestly, this supports my belief society should be matriarchal. Dudes are like, "Let's go kill a bunch of people and give their lithium to Elon Musk. Also, dicks out for Harambe."

Women are like, "Alright ladies, you know the rules, I want a good clean Thunderdome battle, the Vienna Musical and Theatrical Exhibition deserves nothing less than our blood. Also, tits out for Tchaikovsky."

Emancipated duels. Photo by Pavel Kurmilev

Baroness Lubinska who presided over the famous duel between Princess Pauline Metternich and the Countess Kielmannsegg in 1892, insisted that the duelists remove their clothing above their waists to avoid infection in the event that a sword pushed clothing into the wound it caused. Being a doctor, the baroness had seen many instances of septic infection in soldiers for this very reason throughout her years of medical training.

April is a really rough time for me because basically every bill I have due, monthly, annual, semi-annual, and quarterly, comes due all at once. It's a mess. Absolutely crazy the only reason I can afford groceries this week is because Uber sent me a 50% off coupon. Society really said we'll make food cheaper if you sell us your soul digitally. Anyways, turns out my price is a box of Dunkaroos. And before anyone judges me, it'd be yours too if you had to listen to an 8 year old go apeshit about them for two hours. Seriously, send help.

Anyways, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

Ladies, take it from me, a childfree woman closing in on 40 with no kids of any kind, this is what you want. You know what you get when you don't let society extract thousands of hours of unpaid labor and hundreds of thousands of dollars in expenses from you? Room service in five star hotels. Travel. The ability to spend two days hiding from your responsibilities at a waterpark and never telling anyone where you went just to mess with their heads. Don't give society what they're not paying for. Invest in yourselves ladies, because these Andrew Tater Tots hitting the voting booths are sure as hell not going to invest in you.

Watching Fallout reactions and can't stop laughing about this woman who couldn't figure out the English word for lasso and called it a rocking hoop.

Didn't win the raffle. Money Marge is dead to me.

This is the money Marge. Reblog for good fortune

Paid out a lot in bills this month. April is a nightmare for freelancers. Against my better judgment, I bought some Amazon brand trash bags because a roll of 90 was like $13. I figured worse case scenario, if they're pieces of shit, I'll just underfill them, but at least my broke ass will have trash bags.

Anyways, as loathed as I am to give Amazon this win, the bags were actually decent quality and the scenting is way stronger than the ones I usually get.

ACAC.

All Cats Are Comrades.

I'm in a raffle to win $200 tomorrow. It's between me and 20 people. Will report results.

This is the money Marge. Reblog for good fortune

Me: I got you a new bag of Takis at the store.

My Niece: I can't eat those before bed!

Me: We are definitely related....

My dog's getting a little older, so I'm switching to a new brand of food for her. Fingers crossed my carpet doesn't end up paying the price.

People are going to play too much and manifest Welcome to Nightvale into existence.

Just want to take a moment to appreciate the fact that Fallout spat in the face of every chud who has ever picked up a controller and said, "Capitalism is the problem. Also, the savior of all humanity is a POC lesbian Commie Mommy with a background in STEM."

I just think that's neat.