You know how in basic anatomy you learn about the blind spot, where the retina can’t pick up any light?

You know how you learn that the reason you don’t tend to notice your blind spot is because, rather than leaving an obvious gap of nothingness, your brain attempts to fill in the gap with surrounding information?

That’s how amnesia is for us. If we had giant, immediately obvious gaps in memory that could be noticed without prompting, that would lead us to discover our disorder much too soon. The brain tries to fill in the gaps.

so much of the cdd recovery tag is just flat out blocked for me with my tags set up lol.

it's weird noticing the little things i do that are caused by how i was raised. like i didn't finish some wings that i got after therapy (some of them got covered in blue cheese dressing because the lid to it popped off), and i fully made sure that it was in the garbage can with all the wings in the container, lid on, facing the bottom of the can. and i do this all the time when i don't finish food. i don't even think about it anymore except for the rare occasion where i'm like "it's uncomfortable that i feel the need to lie about finishing them". but if i don't do it, i get the overwhelming feeling of being small and overcome with dread. over something like that. over a treat that i got for myself for actually going to my new T and sticking it out (and backseating for most of it but honestly the fact that i went is a win).

there's other things like that, too. i dodge common areas. i don't eat if she's in the same room as me. if i've done something that would've previously been established as "wrong" and she walks in, i just freeze up. it's scary, and it's absolutely wild that i have to live like this.

like sometimes i just feel like i'm being weird because. my mom's gotten therapy. she's so much better now. so am i just bad? am i making this up? am i just manipulating everyone around me into thinking i was abused by this woman that everyone's likes?? my body keeps the score but my mind sometimes goes "maybe you're keeping score wrong, idiot".

About Me

A 20-something (latter part of early 20s) Black pwCDD who wants to talk about their experience living with a CDD and recovery, as well as share what they're learning about them in general. You can call me Crow, Raven, or Rook collectively (not the host or any individual parts' names), and they/them pronouns are a good catch-all.

Unless referring to multiple specific parts, referring to me singularly is preferred. I also don't consider myself plural, but most of me sees my experience as dissociative parts of one whole person, rather than multiple people in one body. Please respect this, and don't assume it erases the individuality of any particular part. I as an individual am my parts, my parts are me, and we are Rook.

Emojis

For my own sake and understanding, I sign my posts. I don't give out names. If a post doesn't have an emoji "signature", for want of a better term (most posts will have comp.txt and [emoji].txt, i.e., 🐝.txt), it's either:

Considered to truly be from a collective perspective, or

Made by an alter who doesn't want to be perceived individually.

Please respect my privacy in this regard.

Other

I might make a list of my interests later, if I want to use this blog for something besides just yelling into the void and slapping tags on it.

Due to a lot of factors, I have trouble socializing in more private settings like DMs or small servers. Please bear with me, I'm really sorry.

I have tags related to system discourse blocked because I don't want to get involved in it. For the sake of you choosing whether or not you want to follow me, I am neutral on it in the sense that I do not have time or energy to invest in involving myself or reading about it.

That said, I will sometimes talk about negative experiences I've had navigating the community, as this has greatly affected my previous perception of my condition and my current attempts to reteach myself.