Hope

Is it weird if I say I don’t want it back?  Of course it is.  I hope I haven’t left behind a trail of bitter complaints when we lost touch.  I hope things fall into place.  I hope you feel as good as you can. 

THE DREAM

My heart almost stopped,  I was shocked what was in the past  what is in the future...  It all got blurred,  it didn’t matter,  the vision of you just made my heart start pounding in my chest  Feelings overwhelmed me,  It just felt like seeing a really good friend who’s been away for years  I started moving around, didn’t know what/how to talk to you so I started moving around, Moving stuff around in this appartment, Like we and some friends were making it ready for something Then I start singing all the random stuff that would come to mind As past and future were not a concern,  In the present I just had this vision of you,  Moving around with a smile on your face,  Happy, giggling, with those BEAUTIFUL smiling eyes  As you were crossing the room singing along, I couldn’t help it. I ran to you and hugged you.  I couldn’t understand,  Why now of all times?  Hugging you, feeling the smell of your skin,  Without any lust, just wanting to connect.  Just wanting to freeze that moment forever.  Then we started walking through doors, It was a great minute or so, and then the change in perspective,  This one drunk person staring at me, Questioning who I am and where I’m from..  You went to another room to talk to people and I stayed by the entrance door, as if I was not feeling invited to enter I was feeling like shit over the things that make me “who I am” my hair, my crooked smile and shit..  Well, “Edit the sad parts” as these rock bands would say.  You left the room,  But other people came by...  I assumed that they were friends of yours, maybe? Then there is this girl, trying to make out with me.  I was kind of in shock because we went there together,  So I started awkwardly saying: “Nah, I’m good”  Looking down while thinking of you, wishing you would come back to the room The dream is over...  And then I wake up,  And it does feel bad that it ended. But it feels AMAZING to see you walking around,  giggling and smiling.  I love you so much,  that I realize that the better you feel the happier it makes me feel.  And I know that eventually some situations will make us feel bad, doubt ourselves or things around us. But you can always count on me. And I know that I can count on you for support.  Please, don’t get me wrong but I’m so happy! 

I will let things happen and let them fit accordingly,  Even though I will try to steer my boat to destinations I want to be. I cannot control the wind and I accept that nature moves things around and is wayy stronger than me.  I am stronger now and I wish to keep improving myself. Fighting and moving away from negativity, seasoning things with small doses of hope and positivity. (But not too much to avoid spoiling it) ---  It's a good day to be A good day for me A good day to see My favorite colors, colors My sisters and my brothers They see 'em like no other All my favorite colors

I believe I can see the future, cuz I repeat the same routine.

Do not allow him to consume you. If he does not call, go to sleep. If he does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway. If he acts distant when you are with him and refuses to tell you what is wrong, don’t wait for him, go home and do something you love. If he tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have him, spend more time with your friends. If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment, ignore him completely. If he plays with your feelings constantly, walk away from him. If he acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, walk away from him. If he says terrible, unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument, walk away from him. If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away from him. If he claims ownership of your accomplishments, walk away from him. If he demeans you or disrespects your being a girl and refuses to stop when you tell him it hurts, walk away from him. I cannot stress this enough, you live for yourself first. He is a secondary character in the story of your life. Do not allow him to turn you into a secondary character in your own book

Nikita Gill, Advice for Teenage Girls Finding Their Way Through Love (via thelovejournals)

I'll try to learn from this...

How I'm seen and how I should see others.

Back to the cave...

I believe I can see the future, cuz I repeat the same routine. (at Federal University of Campina Grande)

Sleeping feels like a defeat for some reason... I don't have good thoughts. I know what is like wanting a bullet to destroy your brain so you don't have to feel shit anymore.. But I'm really trying to live and make life worth it. I hate when we lose contact like this... Anxiety takes over. I don't want to sleep but I'd really appreciate if my brain would give me a break. I need something... :(

In my case it's bipolar disorder and cognitive dissonance.

I want to get away from my family and befriend all people that have the same ideologies as me.

When I find a significant other I'll ignore them​, disapprove what kinda weird things they post on social media, be watching all videos from my YouTube feed and laughing while at it, and when they ask what is going on and why I don't answer his/her questions I'll get annoyed by the questionnaire.

It's funny that I say all the time that people don't know what a "true friendship" is...

But I can't seem to​ open up to my partner.

Maybe because I feel that my problems are always the same and they will give me either the same blablabla they always did, trying to fix it.

~~~~

I know we all have our bad days... But if we are causing others to go anxious and when they try to interact we complain about their questionnaire... What do we expect from them?

For them to get between us and our cellphones bringing all the happiness in the world? For them not to feel awkward in talking and interrupting what we're doing... After all we just ignore them when the question is ridiculous right?

For them to laugh when they ask what we're watching and we say 'a video' and when they ask 'who you're watching?' we go back to the video and leave them with no answer...

What​ do we expect of them? To stick with us as we ignore them and have a good time laughing along with vloggers?

Or would it be more plausible that their minds are going to a thousand places and being ignored and receiving bad feedback when asking stuff might make them afraid of getting close?

Do we expect them to understand us, even when we don't understand them? Do we have to understand anything else about their 'questionnaires' in order to express distaste for it?

Do I have to stop using the cellphone while I'm with my partner so he/she feels more appreciated?

Are questions only for fools? Because all the cool people seem to know life, love and relationships like they know breathing...

I need to keep chasing the small Sparks of hope I see...

if u look close enough you’ll see me slowly dying from a combination of mental illness and pure exhaustion 

Sick of the self entitled pricks that occupy an important space in the time you need the most. (To have lunch and go back to work) People that should promote the well being of others. Tattoo that on their skin, go to protests to scream against the 'bad people'. Can't empathize with other people's need in front of their fucking faces. Y'all a joke

On top of occupying 2 tables (1 to put their bags and purses), these people even stay in the way of the the people that come and go with the plates. Jeeeesus

"a revelação espiritual foi um orgasmo que a bixa teve" ... Says the 'free person' that occupies a table without consuming anything. 😹😹😹 Gimme patience...

Just hope this is a bad day like many other days. Never thought my depression and depressive behavior in social media could be used against me.

I have suffered enough from incomprehension and from the isolation one falls into when one says things that people do not understand.

 C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections (via fyp-psychology)

Boring...

You're constantly posting depressing shit.

I don't want them to know because I don't use my relationship as a newspaper thing.

----

Duude it hurts so much..

You drift away from me, you doubt me... Consequence of the experiences you've been through... I feel weird being ignored but at the same time being in the call with you. I wish I could call your attention talk to you and sort things out. But I can't... You don't want to talk to me... And I'm the one to blame because I've hurt you a lot. :'C I need you... :(

If the things I say when trying to interact produce anxiety, why don't others try to take the lead when I finally shut up? Or is the source of anxiety this search for constant interaction, when you're better entertained by other stuff? We're still​ discovering what is like to be in a 2yr relationship. We're still discovering a lot of stuff... In the mean time I wouldn't like to keep my mouth shut, but I don't want to be asking about stuff that might trigger your anxiety like work and your habits. Short descriptions about daily routine... Inescapable... Restraining... And what is in your mind seems locked and hard to get through my very inefficient attempts. I love you and I like to see you laughing even if it's from far away, seeing u interact with ur phone... I'm getting anxious when I talk too much and when I get silent. I'm not a mess... I'm just learning.