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cintaagee · 16 days

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Moving on? Or moving in?

Things are at a standstill. Everything feels like it´s awaiting my decisions and now it seems like I am starting to get overwhelmed and crawl back into my shell.

It´s either a new flat, loose life of hobbies, writing, free time, nature, loneliness and self reliance. Either with a job that could be the same I have now or whatever comes along to pay for health and social insurance, I would have a lot of time, almost nothing to take care of.

Or this hectic comfort zone where I have my place in constant chaos, no free time, expensive life, every facility close and one unresolved issue with three moneygrubbing bastards who get money for something they actively avoid doing. Oh yeah and one manchild who does not get the notion of responsibility, because he never had to in the real sense, all he knows that if he works, money comes and that´s it.

It´s true though, he takes care of only the problems that bother him, I mean, anybody does, right? But does not see the deeper picture.

Is that true though, because I know he used to feel so entitled and annoyed if I asked him for something simple.

Is he just really afraid for his safety and is he going to go back to his old ways if I give him freedom to do as he pleases?

Well I mean experiences say so. As soon as he felt safe, all commitment usually went out the window.

Maybe i need to keep him at an arms length and take the option of deciding that out of his hands.

Because it hurts. When he stops trying, supporting, loving, talking, and hides away in his little bubble.

And all I ever wanted was for him to feel safe enough to be himself.

Still bugs me that I don´t really know, who that is.

Maybe I don´t need to, I just need to hope he´s capable enough to know right from wrong if I leave him to his devices.

And I need my freedom, because being isolated in this void is overwhelming.

summary:

Maybe move out, help him ease his consciousness... helping the girl he hurt could be a good start.

Push him to accountability to take care of the baby.

If I meet resistance he´s afraid of the punishment/responsibility or he thinks he doesn´t deserve it.

First option could be viable but knowing now that he´s a good liar, second option is also very viable because of his delayed reaction to my horrified face and trying to justify his action by blaming her.

I mean everytime I write it down it sounds like I live around and love a monster and then I come home to the sweetest man you can imagine. Dexter vibes huh?

Man I just wish the sex wasn´t so good.

While moving out, try and establish contacts with a logistics companies and markets for food that is cheaper because I wanted to establish a company that helps old people that do not want to leave their home.

I mean, a person on the phone, taking care of 5-6 clients, cleaning apartments, bringing groceries, leaving messages to their loved ones so they know how they´re doing because sometimes they just don´t want to be a burden and don´t tell you how it really is.

one thing though...either driving them around so they can pick up their prescriptions... or having an established contact with a doctor or a nurse because I know there´s things that they leave to family to do because of underfunded staff and if you do it right you´re just as capable. It´s just so undignified for the person receiving care and every task should be verified by a licence or a written guarantee of training that person thoroughly in that task, with photos of proof. Because there is too much that can go wrong, starting from an uncapable person, over unwilling person to a person who would take advantage of every situation. I mean unless you have a nurse on the go there is no other way legal and they cost really a lot.

Especially after recent law changes.

Or just...write. I mean recently I don´t feel my voice having much f value or weight to it because it seems like anybody wants to hear it or wants to share encouragement or notes or advice or basically anything. But I try, it´s all anyone can do, right? Man, I have been alone in this monologue for so long. I just wish someone could see me, someone equal. Tiredness of this kind really wears you down.

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cintaagee · 20 days

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Calm mood, clear mind, everything makes sense.

it´s over.

I need to show everyone what I am talking about.

I cannot face this head on. I will run, because further exposure will leave me rotting.

I am already dissacociated, depressive, medicated but I have my sh.t straight.

I was used for the purpose of someone´s safety and comfortability of life.

I was lied to about being loved. I was lied to about consequences of changing this situation.

The fact that you know what I went thorough and you lie to me about a thing closely related to my past and my traumas and the fact that you have no shame to even hide it, speaks volumes about your empathy, or a lack thereof.

I have no interest in you anymore.

I have no interest in letting you do anything you need anymore.

I have no interest if you live anymore.

I do not trust a single word, a touch, a kiss a breath a sigh a scrunch of your eyebrows, pretending you are caring of me.

You love a spot in my life, offer no support, no understanding, all you have is your guilt and your fear and your computer addiction.

You know I saw myself many times in my imagination, holding a razor, seeing the space under our window, feeling the wind up high, daze of a foggy mind from being choked to unconsciousness.

And you lied to me about wanting to die anyway, like it´s a tool for me to be controlled by.

You admit everything like it means nothing, not trying to understand me, admire me only when I am happy and ogle when I feel myself crawling out of my skin and dance.

You disgust me.

I don´t need you anymore, I have waited for death so long that I came close to you and didn´t notice it was on your mind too. Just in a different way.

Coming out of dissasociation made me realise there is still something to love about this life of mine.

It´s not you.

#breakup #situationships #heartbroken #moving on #heartbreak #heartache #phylosophy #manipulation #manipulative #life lessons #life #thought #emotions

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