Water and Blood

What Abdellatif Kechiche didn't tell you is that blue is not the warmest color.

- No, blue doesn't make you feel the warmth of one's embrace and soft kisses nor does it make you feel the warmth of one's welcoming. To be blue—to feel blue, is to be sad and worrisome and it is the complete, total, and exact opposite of the warmth you crave for.

What Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger didn't tell you is that the red shoes don't always signify passion.

- No, red doesn't fuel you up and ignite the fire inside you to be motivated and conquer high mountains. Red is the blood gushing forth your soul and in your body that boils down to the pit of your stomach as you remember someone's name, or a traumatic event, that makes you crumble and crash into pieces until anger—or madness rather, conquers your being.

What these directors didn't tell you is how much these two colors—red and blue, have buried skeletons in the darkest world.

That blue:

- no matter how light or dark, with each shade making a mark, screaming of sadness and yet of warmth it gives you the deceiving comfort.

And that red:

- oh the preciously fierce red!—ignites the passion in you while it burns your soul and buries your dignity and conscience in anger, making your blood boil faster and faster and faster and faster and

BOOM!

You're no different from a volcano stopping itself from exploding its red hot lava, nor are you different from the blue sky masking itself with its warmth and beauty complimenting the brightness of the sun.

until we meet again.

to the person that i was before, i'm letting you go.

i'm letting you go so that you could venture out more and see the beauty of life. i want you to see that there is beauty in anything, and in everything. i want you to feel the beauty that you possess, and not be ashamed of it.

another reason is because i am not you anymore. we both have experienced pain and happiness, and i know that we both grew. now is not the time to go back to each other, because we are now both different beings. you'll take the left, and i'll take the right.

we are humans, we evolve and change.

but no matter how much i have changed for the better, i will always look back and look up to you. it is because of you that i am who i am right now, so thank you.

the playlist.

Everything seems to go by so fast. It was as if yesterday I was just a fetus and now, I am turning eighteen in five days. It was as if I was just being bullied by my older brother and now, we don’t even see each other often. Sadly, it was also as if yesterday I was still cuddling with the man that I love the most, and now he’s on someone else’s arms. Gabriel Marion Castro, Gabe for short, the dead kid, the quiet guy, the invisible one, and for some reason, I fell in love with him. No, he isn’t the typical jock you would think because of his name, nor the top student in Science class because of his glasses and how smart-looking he is, nor is he the instrumentally-inclined famous guy that everyone is crushing on. He’s just simple, really, going to school for the sake of doing so, following rules for the sake of doing so, and a lot more. And I, Skylar Rowan Joey, is also another nobody. No, I am not a cheerleader, nor the UN Model representative sent to different countries, nor am I the principal’s secretary who lists all the tardy students every morning. Just like Gabe, I do things because I was told to do so, or because it was necessary.

 Decluttering for me, is the worst type of house chore. It’s like letting go of the most important thing knowing that it has no use anymore, but the sentimental value that you put into it is what’s making you hold on to it. Thank God for music, right? I mean, music makes everything a little bit better. As I was going through my drawer, everything flashed back. I saw the polaroid films, the love letters that Gabe gave me, the material gifts that came with the letters, and a lot more that reminded me of him. The mementos in the drawer refer to each and every memory I have of him, may it be a good one or not.

 “You’re giving me a million reasons to let you go.”

Oh wow, the melancholic vibe of Lady Gaga. Yes, he did. He gave a million reasons to let him go, to just drop everything we ever had, to leave him and all the memories behind. Funny, because despite everything, I chose to stay. I stayed for one reason, and it was him. He was a mixture of all the pet peeves I had. I stayed, not because he asked me to do so, but because I couldn’t bear the fact of leaving him. They said that it hurts more to hold on, but I thought that it hurt more to just let go, knowing that I still have one reason to stay.

I got all the polaroid films and put them in to the trash can. We’re done anyway, and I don’t see the point of still keeping mementos of him in this home. Although, he’s not really easy to forget.

“Little do you know how I’m breaking while you fall asleep.”

Look at Alex and Sierra singing the words that I can’t say, the words that I’ve been keeping to myself for so long. Little does Gabe know how much I cried because of him – both of negative and positive reasons. He was always sweet, always pampered me even if I didn’t ask him to do so. He always gave me the attention I craved for and the love I’ve been longing. But he also broke and wrecked me, shattering me into a million pieces. To be broken is an understatement, it was much more. I guess it was wrong to make someone your world, when you’re just one of their stars. Little does Gabe know how I knew about all his mistakes, and how I chose to forgive him despite him not even asking for forgiveness. Little does he know how much courage and strength I needed just to be whole again. Little does he know, how much I wanted to give up, knowing that I don’t deserve any of this pain.

 “Everyday I let go just a little bit more.”

Gabe taught me pain, but LANY taught me how to love myself more. Letting Gabe go hurt, but it made things seem clearer and everything got easier. Although it was hard, it taught me that I should never let my relationship be my identity, and I could never give love to someone else if I don’t love myself enough. As the song continues, “In the end I’m gonna be alright, but it might take a hundred sleepless nights to make the memories of you disappear, but right now I can’t see nothing through these tears.” I know, that I’m going to be alright because moving on is a process, and I am still a work in progress. I have to build myself first before I commit. Sadly, a hundred sleepless nights will never make my memories with Gabe disappear. He is and will always be a part of me, no matter what happens. The only thing that I have to do now to prevent from hurting myself again from my feelings is to transfer my love for him to the things that I am passionate about. I got all his love letters and read them again, for the last time. Throwing these letters would hurt, but keeping them would hinder me from growing and moving on. It’s nice to know that I was able to experience these things, the love, the care, but it’s also sad that Gabe and I went through a lot just to become strangers again.

“You could break my heart in two, but when it heals it beats for you.” Sometimes, I’d think that Selena Gomez and I are twins, or someone who’s having the same fate. Or maybe not as well? I don’t know. She and Justin were the cutest couple I ever supported. But just like my relationship with Gabe, not all things have a happy ending. Sometimes, it’s already the end even if it’s not happy. As I put everything inside the trash, his love letters for me, the polaroid films we took together, I decided to keep the huge material gifts. Not that I wanted a memory of him, but this could be used by others. His shirt could be worn by my brother, the stuff toys he gave me could be enjoyed by my younger sister, and a lot more. Busy decluttering and cleaning, my brother popped his head on the door and said, “Someone’s waiting for you downstairs.” Confused, I stopped playing the music, closed the drawer and went out. I tied my hair while going down the stairs and went to the living room. And there he is, Gabriel, holding a huge bouquet of sunflowers. “Why are you here?”, I asked. “I want to talk to you.”, he replied. Even without context, everything I was about to throw away that concerns him, went back. These nasty feelings came rushing and gushing through my veins, conquering my whole body and soul. I haven’t even started the game of moving on and yet I already lost.

and for one last time, thank you.

thank you for all the sweet things you did for me, the memories we made, the heart-to-heart talks and secrets we shared, and a lot more. thank you for comforting me and for always having my back. thank you for always making sure that i’m going to end my day with a smile. thank you for the support that you constantly give.

but words are sometimes just meant to be words. promises are sometimes meant to be broken. not all relationships will last, nor be restored. i’m hurt and broken, but i promised myself that i’ll never pass it on to anyone else. my pain and my hurt will never be yours, because i know how destructful it can get.

i hope that you’ll be able to find your happiness. i hope that you’ll be able to experience the love that you deserve, and the type of love that you give. i hope that you’ll always look at the positive side of things, no matter what the circumstances may be. i hope that you’ll never give up no matter how hard things can get. life is full of ups and downs, but i hope it’ll be an exciting ride.

lastly, do know that you don’t need to have all your shit figured out right now. you don’t have to rush things. feel free to take your time and take your own pace.

may you treasure all the good things that are currently happening, and those that will happen in the future. even so, let the bad things in the past and the bad things that are happening right now serve as a lesson and a guide that will shape you into a better person.

much love.

adults, while forcing all children above the age of 5 to sit still, be silent, and obey orders for 7-8 hours a day with minimal breaks, reducing their exposure to fresh air and sunlight to almost nothing, forcing them to alter their natural sleeping patterns to increase productivity, and repeatedly telling them their self worth depends on their being able to follow these instructions perfectly for 13 or more years: kids these days are so lazy! they never go outside! they never want to do anything! clearly it’s not because of us!

she gave up.

all alone in the room, she has been thinking whether or not to continue packing or just put back the huge pile of clothes in to the closet. but what is she thinking? she wasted a lot of time and effort to secretly pack and leave the unit. she was so done of his attitude, his habits, his abusive traits, and everything else you could possibly think of. “baby? what’s wrong?” he shouted from the living room. she immediately hid her suit case under the bed but it was too late, he was already on the door with his arms crossed and eyes full of confusion. “and where do you think you’re going, miss? who the hell said you can get out of this room?” he was calm and modest, but she knows that deep inside, she will never see sunlight again. “i-i was just packing. i was hoping i could go home to the province for a short time to spend christmas with my family. what’s wrong with that?” she lied. all she really wanted was to get out of this unit, this city, this country, and if possible, this planet. “it’s still september. who do you think you’re kidding?” he was right. this is new york city, this isn’t philippines - where christmas starts on september 1. “i live in the philippines. we have a different set of tradition and beliefs. can’t you just let me go home for a while and have fun?” she was pleading, begging to go. “i’m going with you.” no. she wanted to go because she wanted to escape from him, why would he go with her? she trembled, praying to all the gods ang godesses she could possibly think of. “why are you shaking? are you nervous?” he was going near her. “n-no. i think i’m gonna take a bath, i feel hot.” lie. another lie. “sure.” he said. she went straight to the bathroom to take a bath, made sure that she got her clothes, phone, money, and any important document she could lowkey possibly get. “that’s so many. what are those?” he asked. she was shaking again, but this time, she was trying to hide it. “just some new products, i wanted to make sure i’m clean.” lie. is passport a shampoo? i don’t think so. she entered the bathroom and showered. when she was done, she opened the windows and carefully removed the glass while the shower was on to reduce the noise. finally, she’s done! she’ll be able to escape! she got her phone and other documents and left the letter she wrote two nights ago. she left it on top of the toilet cover beside her slippers and dirty clothes. she made sure that the door was  locked, knowing that he has the key anyway.  she praised the gods that their unit was just on the second floor. she was able to jump out of the window, run as far as she can until she passed by on a motel. “there’s no turning back, self. no turning back.” she hailed a taxi and went straight to the airport. she wasn’t going to the philippines, she was heading straight to korea. everything was ready and heck! she was more than prepared. she had a softcopy of the note she wrote, and while she was on the way to the airport, she read it again. “hey baby. i know you will get mad and hunt me for the rest of your life, and kill me or whatnot. but let me tell you, i am ready. everything was planned, just so you know. and i’m not getting out for the sake of freedom, heck not! i’m leaving you because i’m not my old self anymore. i’m not the old Kadence everyone knew. you changed  me so much negatively and i don’t want that. i’m tired dealing with all your shits and i believe that now is the right time to part away. we have been through so much but dealing with you is not something i can handle anymore. forgive me, but you have to know that not everyone will stay by your side with that type of attitude. grow up. take care of yourself too.

xoxo Kadence” and finally, she’s free.

me in hell waiting for all my friends to die

for the person whose head is on a cloud, whose thoughts can’t be spoken out loud, whose feelings are all kept inside, and for the person who has no one by her side, - here’s to you. here’s to all the nights that you’ve cried, to all the days and nights that you tried to stay alive. here’s to all the days you wished were gone, and to all the adventures you wish you had begun. here’s to all the numbers that you tried to call, to the times that you wished you never had a downfall, here’s to all the books that kept you sane, and to all the people you wished you could regain. nothing more but thank you, hope everything is well with you. in peace i came, in peace should i also bid farewell to this cruel game.

imagine going to your favorite coffee shop at 8 am, smelling the freshly brewed coffee while looking at the people who enjoyed their orders. you go to the counter and tell the barista your order while eyeing your favorite spot, hoping that it wouldn't be taken by anyone else. while you paid and enjoyed having a small talk with the barista, you forgot about your most beloved seat, as if nothing else mattered aside from your chitchat and your cup of iced coffee. as your name was called and your coffee was served, you went to your favorite seat and saw that it was already occupied. it broke you, shattered you into pieces, as if nothing happened way before that. so you tried to look for another one and realized that there's nothing that can ever satisfy you more than sitting on your favorite chair - that there's nothing more painful seeing the one thing that you love most being taken by some stranger.

it will all depend to what matters the most.