certainstrangerrunaway
Diaries of a Certain Stranger
Personal blog where I regularly update my Weekly Challenges or, Transforming my Life One Week at a Time. I may share Dracula Daily stuff.
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Weekly Challenge 18: A birthday party and one surprising discovery
12th week of the summer!
Runtime: 04th Sep - 10th Sep, '23.
What you can see in the picture above is not mine. It's something I discovered a day after my brother's birthday this week, in his bedroom. That's how I learned that he smokes.
I was a little bit surprised, of course, as this makes me the only non-smoking child in the family. But not much, after all. I am also the only ✨ tame ✨ child in the family. Well, oh well...
So... the brother's birthday party and my discovery the following day is about the only interesting milestone/achievement/call-it-whatever-you-want that I can share from this week. Since I don't have any party pictures to post, here's his tobacco smoke.
The goal of this week was to prepare two subjects for the next week's final exams and I cannot say I was very successful in it: I did manage to pass both exams, though I was not much satisfied with the results. I did not use time this week properly for the study... again. In fact, it appeared that I *actually* studied (binge-studied, mind you) only in the mornings before the respective exams. Given that stressful situation I put myself into, it's a wonder I even passed them at all, so I won't be too hard on myself. Or maybe just a tiny bit that is too lazy to move his ass off the ground and properly devote his time to the organized study.
However, this week (yet again) showed me what I need to get right in order to improve the quality and results of my life: focus, focused work and, above all else, good organization!
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Weekly Challenge 17/11: End of an Era
Runtime: 28th Aug - 03rd Sep, '23.
The week started aptly: with a nightmare. Proper beginning for the exam week, innit?
The main preoccupation, or rather - the only one, in days preceding the exam was Yann Martel's novel, Life of Pi. Which was not at all wise from my part, but alas: no use crying over spilled milk, right? (Maybe one day I actually learn not to be too slow with things and to focus on what's important, rather than on what my wishful thinking desires. That day wasn't meant for this weak.)
So my days were (mostly) spent in the company of that novel, which I really fell in love with by the end of it. (Several fantastical episodes by the end of it bought me completely.) On Monday, I was leafing through its last pages; listened a lecture about it on Tuesday; was increasingly anxious on Wednesday, giving in to nihilistic thoughts. (I observed that these states of utter despair and gloom would hit me hard in the days/moment just before "the impact." This is one of the few this month.)
This is the basic summary of the days leading to exam.
Oh, and there was one movie night on Monday with my friend, Kate, another regular (but virtual) company in these days. We watched, of course, Life of Pi itself. (We loved it, but were also mildly let down.)
The exam went-by nice: I was expectedly anxious throughout, constantly fidgeting and reaching for a bottle of water at the desk above my working paper. (Professor payed me several suspicious looks on occasions, which I found interesting.) I was helped in some questions by the only other student that was doing the exam, in a moment when professor strolled out of the classroom (perhaps, to give us exactly that opportunity; I have reasons to believe she wanted to get rid of us as much as we wanted to get rid of her.)
The positive results arrived the next day, which was all that mattered, of course.
This was also the week of "mind distortions", which happened on Friday, a day after the exam, on my way to and during a doctor's appointment. This was the second week of mindfullness-based stress therapy (MBSR) and the week ended, fittingly, on Sunday, with a farewell to a personal journey that lasted since 2018. at least. It was emotional farewell, but I finally came to terms with some things and, I might say, I matured through this process. This is what I call an end of my little personal era.
This was an interesting week for sure: filled with wild emotional ride and quite stressful, but in the end, it was brought up to a fitting conclusion.
Short comment on the picture: on the picture above, there is a snippet from Life of Pi that speaks about moving to another place. I singled it out, because of the significance the same theme has in my life in this week. Like characters in the novel, I am also moving on with my life: just in a more emotional/psychological way. One gate is closed, the other one is opened. This picture was taken a day before the exam. The bottom pic was from the day after the exam: just a quote I found funny when returning home, taken from Difficulties with Girls by Kingsley Amis.
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Weekly Challenge 16/10: Life of Pi or A small but important step ahead
Runtime: 21st Aug - 27th Aug
Goal: Finishing Life of Pi for the next week's exam.
There was a very narrow window of three days, Monday to Wednesday, for students to register their exams. As countless times before, I was indecisive until Wednesday late at night. Then I opted for Canadian studies, as I was already in the process of reading Life of Pi. (Student offices were on holiday until Friday, so I couldn't solve a dispute with them over some other subject that I could register until that time.)
On Wednesday, I started writing "working diary", a notebook in which I would write set of tasks I needed or wanted to perform by the end of each week. This helped me not lose sight of the track regarding my weekly challenges, which I slightly started abandoning by this time, inch by inch.
On Thursday, the mobile service finally finished the transfer of data from an old broken phone to my new one, after I left the former with them on Tuesday. After a pause of about an hour (during which actually performed the transfer; before, they just did an extraction to their computer) I gave the old one away to be recycled in Yettel: or so I was told they are doing with it.
When I returned home from the service, I realized an important sim card was left behind in the old phone, which means I needed to return the next day for it.
Little by little, I read the novel by the end of week, just as planned. Here and there, I would steal away a time to work on my own personal projects: like expanding on my fantasy world I started building. On Saturday, my working diary saw an improvement of sorts: I added stickers for different categories of work (important, hobbies, University related, etc.) The addition of these little images made these tasks more entertaining, as I would look at them in my notebook, and I would not be overcome with insufferable boredom at the thought of doing them.
I also started practicing an online program of mindfulness-based stress reduction, or MBSR. There is an entire course of it offered for free on the internet: I am still a little bit sceptical about it, but so far it is okay (and it seems to work).
And that was about it for this week.
Not much happened, but the intended task is finished as planned. One small but important step up for me, no matter how small for humankind. :)
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Weekly Challenge 15/9: The endless phone-buying, forgetfulness in the doctor's office, another Kafka's nightmare, map progression, disorganized studying...
Runtime: 14th Aug - 20th Aug
This week was one chain of successive 'muggle' events that happened on a daily basis, starting from Monday.
Monday was the day I got a new phone (via mom, finally! No new quarrels today). We bought it in Yettel's shop where we had a negative experience of standing for over an hour in the shop until the entire process was done. We were exasperated both mentally and physically by the end of it and mom even showed visible signs of irritation due to it all (and due to the seller's behaviour.) By the time we were on our way home, we both started questioning whether this buying place was a good option; we both judged that it was not. But alas, the contracts were signed and sealed. There was nothing to be done about that now.
The next day, I was on my way to the Second Ambulance, where the results of my Friday testing were waiting to be picked up by me. I knocked on the door of the main office, a little bit nervous because I forgot to bring my medical ID card with me, and entered. (As a side note, this forgetfulness has become a regular, sort of subconscious, practice to me in the last several years; a little bit reminiscent of Neville Longbottom and I don't like that.) Fortunately, I didn't need ID: my results were given to me (they were fine) and I also learned that my doctor was currently on a summer vacation, so I cannot make another appointment (however, another doctor is available tomorrow, if you wish to visit it, it should be at 2.30 pm, right at the beginning of a new shift). Sure, thank you for the information, bye!
(Of course, I didn't have any intentions of visiting this other doctor. What I started with one, I wanted to finish with that one. The matter wasn't that urgent, after all.)
Wednesday. A psychiatric morning appointment, another useless endeavour. Again in the basement office: environment that looked like it came out straight outta Kafka's nightmare. I was admitted about an hour after my arrival and spent 30 minutes talking with the doctor, only for her to tell me that my personal development over the years went "all left" (meaning 'all wrong') and that I simply needed to accept myself as such. To all my worries, she just responded with: can't you not worry for a change, or worry less?
(So, it seems that I am finally done with her. Three appointments, three wasted times. Sigh )
Thursday was a completely ordinary day in which nothing of significance happened. I researched DIY options for getting the data out of my old phone in cases of damaged touch-screen (alas, too expensive); I read Life of Pi for a while, talked with Kate...
Early Friday morning I woke up with shortness of breath. Perhaps s panic attack. Later that day, I showed my three messenger friends the tentative map of the world I was in the process of creating. (I am happy with the progress so far. It's going slow, but it keeps floating!) Perhaps, the most important thing that happened this week to me.
That night, I went for a walk outside: biked my way to the shop, walked under the moonlight back. This was the first attempt at walking outdoors since my winter nightly 'expeditions' when I constantly sought to get my mind back into the dream-state that it inhabited for so long.
On Saturday, the realization finally dawned upon me that I need to start studying in earnest. However, my first idea of reading two books daily boiled down to dedicating one entire day to one and the following day to the other.
So disorganized...
#weekly challenge#weekly goals#weekly planner#weekly update#diy#kafka#little nightmares#ordinary life
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Weekly Challenge 14/8: An eventless summer week
Runtime: 07th Aug - 13th Aug
I don't remember much of this week (as I am writing this two weeks late), save the broad strokes: my sister going to her summer vacation with a girl she befriended on her temporary summer job, which happened on Monday around noon; my parents returning from their summer vacation on Thursday; me quarreling with mom on Friday and in a fit of stubbornness, refusing to go with her to buy me a phone; over the weekend I mostly had an existential crisis due to lack of the phone.
When it comes to my sister going on holiday, I helped her carry her bags to the road, where we waited for her friend to arrive with her parents in their car: I bid them farewell and safe travels, and then returned home. I was alone. For this day and the next two days: completely alone.
(Not counting brother who was mostly outside, performing regular managerial duties in a hotel where he was appointed. And when he was inside, he was usually in his own flat, a storey above our family's. Though he would occasionally stroll through the house where I was, like a wind almost, seemingly without any real business or direction in mind: just passing by. Later, when my parents returned back home, I learned from my mother that she ordered him to check on me regularly, like a good brotherly brother should do, right? Except that we were too distant and he was too absorbed in his own head for it to ever work properly. So, each encounter of ours was always just a cringy passing-by-each-other-with-stares accident.)
Yikes.
I don't remember the two of my 'alone days' that well, except that I was happy to have the time for myself without the nagging voices of my family around and that they did me good: I felt much better on a psychological/mental level by Thursday morning.
However, when the day of their return arrived (Thursday), I again started growing anxious: the old travel worries again kicked in with compulsive strength. Luckily, they had safe travels and arrived back home around half past nine. I still remember that awkward scene of their return: them, all ecstatic and thrilled and tired from a journey; me on the other side, completely numb, emotionless and moveless like a tree. Mom hugged me and I just raised my hands up around her: that's how awkward I am in social situations; how disinterested I am.
The next day mom and I decided to go around the city and buy me a new phone, instead of me waiting to get a job somewhere and buying it myself. (A lot of time can pass before that happens.) However, I quarreled with her, because I did not want to bow to her commands regarding the way my clothes will look outside (I wanted to have a certain degree of autonomy). She stubbornly sat on a sofa until I did what she told me to, I stubbornly responded by going to the bedroom to continue my interrupted sleep of that morning. That's how we didn't go, after all. Because of something petty.
We had a conversation later that day. As usual, she couldn't understand me and I would feel too powerless to explain myself, so I would just let her go with any explanation she would find. Over the next two days, my phone "withdrawal symptoms" worsened and I didn't do much with my life: definitely didn't start studying as I wanted at the end of the last week.
The "master explorations" of my currently favorite tv shows progressed as well, though not much. That is just something I am currently doing as a hobby.
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Weekly Challenge 13/7: Mastering the art of storytelling
Runtime: Jul 31st - Aug 06th
This is the week my parents left the house to go on a vacation in Good Waters, Montenegro. (Thursday early morning.) I remained at home with a younger sister who is in her phase of commanding others, mother's style. She is probably doing it subconsciously, yet it's still a nagging cause of tensions in the house, though the one that would not be suffered for a long: in several days she was to go on her own summer vacation with a friend.
This week I devoted myself to mastering the art of tv-adaptation and with that the art of storytelling, or at least the one that Hollywood is currently practicing. (The word "mastering," as I am using it here, signifies nothing more than looking deep into the episodes of the tv-shows of my chosing and inferring different things from them, as the scope of my observing faculties allows me.)
This started on Thursday, the first day of parental absence, when I re-watched what-I-call the first act of House of the Dragon (first two episodes of season one). This first time I was making notes only in my head, which later grew into real notes-making on different pieces of paper that I could find nearby. Two days later I named this experience "How to write a tv-show: masterclass," as I found HotD a really well-written show which should/can serve as an example of how a proper adaptation of your literary material should/can be made. (Now I feel a little bit like Aristotle, observing the world of adaptations around me and "instructing" what constitutes a successful adaptation of a literary story. Shamelessly, though.)
The next day, as opposed to this first day, I had a different experience that I named "How not to write a tv-show: masterclass." (Now, while the former title can be confined only to adaptations, this one need not to be, as my guinea pig this time around was the first season of Wheel of Time. What I mean by this is that even when not looked as an adaptation, the Wheel is not a shiniest example of a good storytelling. At least, in my amateurish opinion.) This "masterclass," however, (it needs to be mentioned) is not based on my natural observation from watching the first season, but rather on watching YouTube videos of different editors and teachers who dedicated hours of their time to dissecting and analyzing this show and giving their opinions on where it all went wrong, how and why, and what could have been made better. Of course, I didn't agree on all points with them, but on majority - yes.
But this is not the place to go into details of these endeavors. So, the weekend...
...was spent in re-watching the third and fourth act of HotD. This time, as mentioned, accompanied with real note-making on paper. There was no need to watch fifth act though (I just finished it at the beginning of the week, so it was still fresh in my mind), therefore I stopped there, completing this week's task just in the nick of time.
Now that I have allowed myself to have three long week of avoiding duties regarding my University and dedicating myself to private pursuits, it's time to finally get back on track! So, by the end of the next week, I should already be deep in the study materials for the final three exams. If anyone is reading this, wish me luck (either in comments or in your head).^^
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25 posts! (Yay, a milestone.)
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Weekly Challenge 12/6: Life Interest slightly Regained
Runtime: 24th - 30th Jul
Summary: A second week of his mental recuperation.
While the first week was mostly filled with leisure activities with no order or any specific goals on mind, this week witnessed the return of an old routine and beginning of some new things. Namely, he begun anew brushing his teeth before the sleep, though every second night now. Feeling less mental strain and pressure, he continued watching House of the Dragon tv show as well: the one he started following last year around its premiere, but needed to stop due to overwhelming anxiety. TV Dragon adventure was accompanied with online news articles dedicated to analyzing each episode.
However, after watching the finale of the show, some things took a turn to worse. Namely, the screen of his cell phone stopped responding, turning into a land of eternal darkness. This meant no access to number of necessary things, including certain health reports and study notes: very important stuff in the upcoming month and a half. Besides, this meant no phone in the next unforeseeable period of time, which (given his great dependence on this device) was met with accompanied moodiness. He decided to keep this information away from his parents for a while.
Besides losing access to his phone and regaining strength to pursue some life interests (like watching HotD on his laptop, or starting Fire and Blood as well after the series' finale, as his curiosity was near insatiable to see where the story will take its course), he also started following some world news through the lens of his favorite artists, such as Chris Riddell.
He is also on the lookout on the job opportunities: Amnesty International being his first stop.
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Weekly Challenge 10/4:
Runtime: 10th Jul - 16th Jul
Summary: I just had one goal this week - passing Shakespeare’s exam. And I did it! Though not with flying colors.
What happened?
While certainly happy for having one burden off my shoulder, I am at the same time disappointed in myself with how I carried my answers out. I was ridden with anxiety, shaking like a life beaten by the vicious winds, I was gasping for air and I could feel it in my limbs and stomach... this lack of air: so, one might imagine, under this conditions, how my answers have looked like. Thankfully, the professor was able to see my trouble, so she helped me to the extent she could. She gave me the highest possible marks I could get and even complimented be a little bit (a bit unusual for her). But there’s the problem: I came across as social case, someone utterly helpless who needs to pity his way into the success.
I kind of hate myself for being like this, for having not yet managed to take the severity of my reactions under control... but at the same time I know that is a bad thing to do, so I am not trying to.
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Weekly challenge 9/3: A Hamster in a Wheel
Runtime: 03rdJul - 09th Jul
I just had one decent writing session, Tuesday. From about 17h to 19h.
Summary: The week I adopted Pomodoro learning strategy.
💫 Week 1: Fixed medication
This was the week in which I wanted to implement meditation in my morning routine. I also wanted to start taking my pills in the fixed hour of the morning, as I always should have. (The major reason I didn’t was my perceived inability to get up early in the morning and my stubborn refusal to opt for an afternoon hour of taking. So I got stuck in that stubborn rat cycle of unproductiveness.) However, ridden with worries over studying for the exam and being preoccupied mainly with that... the idea didn’t take off, really.
Friday was the day I realized I ran out of my monthly antidepressants supply in the midst of the day. I visited apothecary and bought them that evening. I took them, morning pill, in the evening.
On Saturday, then, an interesting occurrence happened...
... when I decided to go out and have a breakfast on the front balcony of my house. It was yet another middle-of-afternoon-breakfast. I brought with me an antidepressant pill, my favorite ingredient in every meal, put it in the pocket of my shorts and then went to the front balcony of my house to eat. I didn’t know what happened with it, as my mind was a chaotic mess throughout: I had difficulties accustoming to the outside environment which I constantly experienced as 'invasive,' my head was hurting and I think I was overall in a dizzy, confused and chaotic state of mind. Perhaps, I accidentally threw it in the grass when I was cleaning the table, or perhaps, it was cast aside/brushed off somewhere by accident Whatever be the case, I was perplex by the situation that I couldn't tell whether I really took medication or not, deciding eventually that it is best to not take it: a day without it would be better than a day on a double dosage.
Sunday notes: I could tell with more confidence today that I didn't take medications the previous day, for the weak way I felt in the morning. I breakfasted between 12h and 13h and that's when I took the antidepressant today. I think it was around 12.20 pm.
💫 Week 2: Indoor exercises and Wim Hof method.
Goals: maintaining regular exercise pattern throughout the week.
Note: this should have been the third week of indoor exercises, but what should have been the second week was skipped.
🍀 I did exercised around 23.00 and some two hours later showered, just before bed.
🍀 Today was the resting day with no shower and it went good. (I think it was one of those rainy days, so it matched with my activities.) I also started doing Wim Hof breathing on these days.
🍀 Indoor exercises: done.
🍀 Another resting days with no showers: done.
🍃 First time this week the exercises were not delivered: the entirety of the day was squandered in doing nothing, mostly because I couldn't medicate myself before the evening and it affected my mood and brain power.
🍃 I was supposed to do the Wim Hof breathing method this day, but that was skipped, for I stayed until late, studying.
🍃 The reprise of the yesterday's story: exercises are skipped, for I started studying quite late in the night (after being comatose for the vast majority of the day) and now don't have time for it. Since Wim Hof's method is shorter, I will do that instead as a preparation for sleep.
💫 Week 3: Diet.
Goals: maintaining regular eating pattern throughout the day.
🍀 I had regular three meals on Monday, though breakfast and lunch were quite late: around 14h and post 18h.
🍀 I had regular three meals on Tuesday. However, I am writing this (and the following three days) on Friday, so my memory is not that strong about the specifics.
🍀 Another day of having regular diurnal meals. Though, as always this week, it happened quite late: breakfast usually being somewhere between twelve and two o'clock.
🍃 This is the first day, if I remember correctly, that my meal pattern was disrupted: two meals instead of three. The first one was so late, that it is proper to call it lunch. (This was also the first time I used my brother's microwave: I avoid using anything his, or going to his house, but with this, I started using his microwave - secretly, when he is not there - to warm up my food. Sister is the only person so far that knows of this and, hopefully, she will not tell him.)
🍃 Another day with disrupted meal patterns, as I ate even later today than yesterday: between 16.00 and 16.30 pm. (Soup and paprika.)
🍃 I don't remember, even though it was yesterday? I think I only had two meals.
🍃 Today, on Sunday, I only had two meals: breakfast between 12h and 13h pm, which was okay-ish, considering the eating times of previous days. And there was lunch in the time of dinner, around 19h.
💫 Week 4: Proper sleep and no porn consumption. (The latter was neglected entirely this week.)
Goals: Establishing regular sleep pattern with waking in the early morning hours and feeling as rested as I can upon waking. No watching porn throughout the day.
🍃🍃 I didn't really have proper sleep on Monday with an alarm trying to wake me from 7 to 10 am and only managing to wake at 12 pm. I did watch porn.
🍃🍃 Tuesday - Saturday: I am writing this late on Sunday. My memory is very weak at this point, so I don't remember majority of the week. (Mem. I should really start working on it.) But I think that each day was, more or less the same: every day I would try to get to sleep earlier than yesterday and each time it would turn out that I am incapable of that, as I would fall usually anytime between 02 am and 04 am. As a result I would get up quite late and that would irk me. And this goes on in cycles. I feel like a hamster in a wheel.
🍃🍃 Sunday: After managing to fall asleep only around freaking five in the morning, about the time the sun started rising, I definitely did not have proper sleeping time. In fact, this was one of the worst sleeping times ever. I tried to wake at around 10h by setting several alarms around that time, but fot some reason I was so comatose that I couldn't bring myself to rise. (This is something that worries me as it is not so normal to not be able to get up, despite tiredness.) Immediately after breakfast I returned to sleep and was sleeping until around 17h.
💫 Week 5: Teeth brushing (night) and Mind Declutter (day).
Goals: Keep brushing my teeth regularly each night and reducing my screen time during day.
🍃 Didn't brush my teeth on Monday, as it was way too late when I went to bed (around 02 am). Didn't practice 'Mind decluttering.'
??? Tuesday and Wednesday.
🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀 Thursday - Saturday.
🍃 Sunday.
Conclusion: Another train wreck of a week. Disorganized. Heavy, blurry head. Life a mes. A hurricane.
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Weekly Challenge 8/2: Shakespearean Catastrophy
Runtime: 26th of Jun - 02nd of Jul
Summary: This weak is best divided into two parts with a day in-between as a midpoint. This midpoint was a disastrous day of Shakespearean failure.
Short: the first responsible week. Banishing the Falstaff in me?
Goal: pass the exam (not realized).
General tasks
This was supposed to be the Fourth Week of 'Mind Declutter' over the day and brushing the teeth before bed. On Monday, I tried to break the decluttering tasks into two sections, to align it with morning and evening 'rituals' I intended to introduce this week. The first section was intended to be from seven to ten in the morning and not sleeping at all this night helped me motivate me to do this. The second section was meant to be from seven to ten at evening. However, It did not caught up. Not only that, but I stopped practicing 'Mind Declutter' this week. Oopsy. Week name: Child of Success.
Regarding 'brushing the teeth' activity, the first three days leading to exam were not well documented: On Monday, I didn't to it. I can only assume that the next two days were alike, for I didn't bother to document them either. The three days past-exam were either not documented (Friday), or I didn't brush them, like on Sunday. It appears that Saturday was the only brushing day of this week.
This was also supposed to be the Third Week of trying to 'improve my sleep' and also 'not consuming porn'. On Monday, I decided to try to correct my biorhythm by not sleeping at all over night (because I was probably gaming again). Instead, I had a three-hour nap during the day, from twelve till half past three). The following two days prior to exam were not recorded, though I vaguely remember being satisfied on Tuesday with how rested I felt. Three days post-exam were also not recorded, with the exception of Sunday, which did not go well. I assume that's the case with the other two days as well.
Regarding porn consumption this week, I only recorded that first day was a success and the last day a fail. I assume that I didn't try to follow this task in the meantime, due to lack of records. Thursday can be the only exception, as I was probably too drained mentally for something like that. Week name: baby steps.
The Second Week was supposed to be dedicated to the new seven-day cycle of exercising/resting and regulating my meals. Whilst I cannot say whether I was successful in following the meal patterns throughout the week (only Sunday was marked as successful in that respect), it is certain that I would open my day with breakfast almost every day after noon: usually between two and three o'clock; once around the noon itself. This is, somehow, defeating to see.
Regarding the exercising, I only recorded the first and the last day in the week. Monday was the day I retreated into my old mindless habit of indulging into long shower - partly because of boredom, partly as a way to deal with stress and pressure. (I was supposed to change this with showering only after the physical exercise practices and only on those days.) The Sunday was the same story and even worse, for I showered twice! The rest of the week is covered in fog. Week name: Upstart week.
If nothing, I at least had my regular three meals on Monday and Sunday. The rest of the week was likewise not recorded for this one. It was as if I had had some kind of mid-journey crisis with these weekly tasks and abandoned them for a while.
And then...
...the Thursday.
The day in which the series of 'disasters', that started last week, reached their climax in the form of emotional abuse from my parents.
Yes, that's right.
It was not the fact that I yet again failed, or better said - skipped, Shakespeare's exam that emotionally shook me. In fact, I arrived at University today being fully aware of the possibility that I might not pass it, since I didn't manage to cover all lectures. I talked with my mother of that possibility the previous night and we both agreed that it would be best to give this exam a chance, despite the money that would be squandered in case I fail. (If it was entirely up to me, and especially if I was able to live in the city where my University was, I would have no problems of these kind. Yet, since it was not, this is the price I am paying for still being co-dependent on my parents...)
It was not my immaturity either: today, for the first time in a long, I felt as an actually mature and responsible adult human being - and that after the skipped exam has taken place. (The last time I felt as mature, fully functional human was about eight years ago, during the last year of my high school days and, what I like to call, my personal heyday days).
The exam's disappointment, therefore, didn't affect me that much: I was responsible this time, for a change; I was aware of the risks and I talked with my mother over it (though father was not included, as usual). The exam started and I was the first on the list, something I am not used to: I drew the question exam I was not ready to talk about, I evaluated my chances and decided it was the best to returned for the next term. (In other, more descriptive, words: I willingly went into the Pit of Doom, knowing all the risks, got burned, accepted the scars and moved forward.) I was in peace with myself.
I discussed the whole situation with distant internet friend afterwards, while waiting for the bus in nearby park that was about to bring me back home. This was much relieving.
It was not even the mother. It was the father, to nobody's surprise. Perhaps, I made a mistake of not communicating my apprehensions with him: maybe if he knew the risks, he would not behaved the way he did. But, he was the only person to be blamed for that: If he was ever present in the house, he would not have allowed himself to be sidelined like that. Therefore, I gave up from the idea of discussing that with him last night just before sleep.
So, naturally, when I returned home, he didn't miss the opportunity to jab at me in his usual sarcasticly-mocking style: wHiCh MaRk dId YoU gEt ToDaY? (I didn't need to ask anyone to know that mom has already passed him the news of how it all went that morning: he knew.) I tried being polite at first, but he kept going, crying over his money I keep spending irresponsibly, calling me unawares of that, comparing me to a daughter of his friend who is finishing the same University faster than me and, basically, calling me out, in the process, for being dumb. So I naturally snapped at the end, calling him a PoS father and refusing to go out with him to an errand my mother tasked me with that day: I decided to keep blatantly distancing myself from him, for he was bringing me no good, not even in the times of 'peace'.
Maybe minor quarrel on the outside, but being increasingly sensitive after the panic disorder days, all of this hurt me so much that I wanted to withdraw myself from the world of people again, until I get better. I became suicidal, my energy levels dropped and I found myself nearly chained to bed for several hours after the incident. I didn't want to live anymore.
I communicated the incident to the same internet friend, this time via messenger. She tried to console me, but I there was nothing in me at the time that could be consoled: there was just numb emptiness.
And so, that's how I have spent the rest of the day: lying in bed, all numb, scrolling to endless feeds of my phone, trying to process the situation on the emotional level. No brushing teeth, no exercising, no anything else: not even properly eating. Just forced attempt to record it, before I go to sleep and attempt to continue with my life.
Thank you, parent.
(Now, reading this on 14th of July - a day after the said exam was passed in the second term - I realize how childish my reactions were. I kind of feel bad over them, but I will leave them as they are, here. It was the part of my growth, after all.)
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Weekly Challenge 7/1: Saddening Start of Summer: lazy days and an epiphany!
Runtime: 21st - 25th of June
Summary: It was a disaster of a week. I was all over the place throughout, both task-wise and mentally-wise.
This week commenced right in the middle of a calendar week, Wednesday, at the very start of summer and on the year's longest day, Summer Solstice. However, even though the start marked a very nice beginning in terms of the solstice symbolism, it proved to be not so nice in terms of, well, my life.
So, what happened?
First of all, I had some sort of a life crisis in the middle of previous night due to which I was unable to fall sleep until deep into the night. Namely, I felt that my life has turned against me, that it is oppressing me and causing me much distress lately: everything in it is constant now: no changes whatsoever are taking place and no new people (whose arrival I, ironically, oppose) are filling my indolent hours with ecstasy. Instead, my daily hours are filled with boredom and with the same or simillar set of tasks (which I wilingly imposed on myself, mind you) that I couldn't see, in this bleak moment of my life's dark hours, where they are leading me on, while giving me little cognitive reward along the way.
It was truly, in some weird way, the "weak piping time of peace" in which I suddenly found mysel and which troubled me. But, unlike the unnatural Richard, I didn' set out to murder it away. And unlike the other Richard, I didn't give up my life to self-pity. (Both of these comparisons are worrisome, indeed. No one likes being compared to weak or irationally evil characters, though I am constantly elevating myself above them.) Instead...
... I eventually managed to force myself to sleep somewhere around three o'clock (the witch hour!) I kept going and fighting, despite this week and the following one being very critical in terms of me giving up on this project completely. I was near the brink of giving up, and I am very happy of the fact that it didn't turn out to be like that and that I am still writing these posts, even though a bit late. Better late than never, right? Quttiers never win, after all.
(I used the term 'force' above to describe the compulsory way I pushed myself to sleep and thay is really a good word to describe it, since it was such a chore to put my phone away and to sink into a realm of dreams. Even when I did it, I needed to turn on some of the asmr soft voices to which I sometimes sleep, so to feel safe and less lonely. That's how bad my health was these days.)
Some nine hours later, I was woken by mom: it was the noon of my younger sister's graduating from high school; mom couldn't read her diplomas due to the dioptry, so she needed my help. After this, however, I kept lying in bed, mostly fapping to internet porn for the next two hours.
I also woke up, as I recorded, to "some terrible weakness around the heart," though it could be due to unfiltered air in the room. Nevertheless, I was anxious about my heart's healt, as I was countless times in the past because of the same problem. (This problem started around the time I started antidepressant therapy, so I am quite confident that it is induced by medications, like the other problems regarding my nervous system.)
That was Wednesday morning.
I had the first meal of that day between two and three pm, exactly twelve hours after my tormened moment in the night. At 15:15 pm, I turned off my phone for the new session of 'Mind decluttering.' At 17:00 pm, I decided it's high time to focus on my life a little bit more, that I need a plan longer than a week: I got an idea of writting a script for the "next chapter" of my life, a story in which the main character is going to be a man in his mid twenties, who has the same parents as me, lives in the same place as me and is in the same life situation as me. In short, I wanted to create the character of Me and then to script the next portion of my life based on everything I know of me.
The script was supposed to be my best guess at being realistic to myself: idealistic script was to be avoided. I thought that if I get truthful to myself and realise life ahead of me in this literary form (in the way I know I would have lived it if I don't change anything soon), then that would be an eye opener to me, which would help me determine what are the things I need to change in my life. I thought I would learn how to avoid the life that is harming me so much right now
I was wrong. Or, at least, not completely right. Turns out, I only wasted my time that day, as I couldn't really reach a conclusion different than whatever I knew before. (You see, I am a person so isolated that I am already aware of everything regarding my life, even of the things I probably shouldn't be aware.) So I kept living more or less the same life after this day. Sigh.
Night arrived. It was time for indoor excercises: the second this calendar week, the first of the summer.
That was my first day of this summer, my twenty-seventh in order, recounted by me. Or rather reconstructed. Whatever, it was a disapointment. I am disapointment. Eternal disapointment, it seems. Very saddening start of this summer: I am only left now with hoping that the rest of it will stand in the sharp contrast to its beginning.
The highlight of the next day, and of this entire week (that's how uneventfull it was) were high temperatures: hottest so far, ranging between 30° to 35° C. A friend who was temporarishly residing in Poland cried all day over messanger of how hot it is there. Being closed entire day in the house, I didn't feel it that much, but could verify it by venturing on the balcony: the day simmered with heat.
So, that's what turned out to be my ⚡'main goal'⚡of Wednesday: writting about my life ahead of it happening. This extended to the portion of the following day as well, which eventually ended with covering Richard II in the company of Tim Nance from youtube. The day after this was very weak: I only covered Tim's introduction to two Henry IV plays. And the 'studying' started rather in the evening, as was my custom in this period (mostly due to lazy habit than anything else.)
(And now I am embarrased of the kind of picture this paints about me. The picture I created myself. Good. I will then try to better it.)
Saturday: I went over some notes I made about 1 Henry VI some two weeks ago while watching Tim Nance. I previously have 'lost' them. I also covered Act I of 1 Henry IV. Another lazy day.
Sunday: I finished Act II of 1 Henry IV with Tim Nance. Another lazy day, though this time with a twist: 💥an apiphany!💥
⚡General task summary⚡
🍀 Diet and indoor excercises with the after-shower (👼 week): I was supposed to start having three regular meals throughout the day, since my bioritam was significantly altered, and I usually didn't have proper number of meals throughtout the day. I also decided to have regular indoor activites, reminiscent of old days when I was training aikido: every second day, followed by and shower session. Every other day would be a 'rest day' without showers.
In terms of the diet, only Thursday was successfull. The rest days were Wednesdays all over again. In total: 1/5 days of proper diet this week.
Excercices had a middling success: Wednesday was carried out, as established. Thursday, the rest-day, not at all. I couldn't resist having usual 'boredom showers.' Friday was okay, but out of order. Saturday, a nice rainy day, was like ordered for me to rest. The week ended with a "jerk off incident," which killed my motivation for further excercises. In total: I excercised 2/3 days this week and had 1/2 showerless rest days.
🍀 Proper sleep and no porn consumption (week 2): This week, proper sleep assumed not only feeling rested upon in the morning, but ACTUALLY WAKING IN THE MORNING. Due to my out-of-place bioritam, not only my diet suffers, but circadian rhythm as well. I regularly wake up around or post noon, and that was the case for every single day this week: the last two days were especially out of order with me being obsessed with new game I discovered by accident, Endless Siege. It resulted in staying awake all night on Friday and Saturday, waking in the middle of afternoon the days that followed. On the other hand, only once did I feel rested.
So, in total: 0/5 days of proper sleep this week with 3/5 porn free days. (The last one, though, I recorder that I did "jerk off to a vision that made me sick and my mind feeble and insecure.")
🍀 Teeth brushing at night and Mind Declutter (week 3): Newly discovered game interrupted my brushing streak on Friday, and I suspect on Sunday as well, since I didn't record while I didn't do it.
In total, 3/5 days of brushing teeth, while mind was decluttered 5/5 days (though the last one was weird, not sure what happened to me there.)
In conclusion, this was a week of poor nutritious pattern and irregulated sleep, okayish rhythm of exercise and resting, good pornless week and very good week for my teeth and information flow in my brain.
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Weekly Challenge 6: Slow but steady progress
Runtime: 12th June - 20th June '23.
Summary: This was the week of many changes.
First of all, I am now making a clear distinction between three types of weekly tasks I will be undergoing in these personal weeks of mine:
1) Main quests: these are already described in my previous post as the "main, overarching tasks that run from end to end of my personal weeks, binding it in a way, like a spine." So, they are active from Monday to Sunday (or whichever day I decide is the last day in my customizible weeks). They are formed of things in my life that should be no. 1 list on my list of priorities.
2) Side quests: these are a) less important tasks that may or may not be done, but if done, can positively contribute to my main tasks (supporting pillars) OR b) less important tasks that may or may not be done; they do not contribute to the main tasks in any way and are done solely for my pleasure (leisure activities, private researches, etc.).
If the main quests are the spine, these can be autonomus nervous system that connects the spine to the rest of organism.
3) General tasks: general things I want to imorove in my life, but are not tied to anything of the above. They are usually related to health, such as: brushing my teeth regularly or taking care of my diet or taking care of having a proper sleep during the night.
💫 Main quest summary:
- 3 Henry VI: reading and taking notes from youtube (Wednesday and Friday)
- Richard III: just taking notes from youtube (Saturday and Sunday)
• Tuesday was, as usual, reserved for participating in a class in neighbouring city: travel back-and-forth would drain me enough to make me useless for doing anything else at home. This time, however, was the final class in my entire undergraduate studies! Which means that I am now finally able to fully dedicate myself to the exams and exams only! (Alongside searching for summer job opportunities.)
• Thursday was, for some reason, taken as a free day in which I broke promise to keep any of the planned goals, apart from not consuming porn.
💫 Side quests summary:
I wasn't really documenting this for this week and I don't remember doing much, except ocasionally playing a game in my free time.
💫 General tasks summary:
- Teeth brushing (2. week): Mon to Sun, with the exception of Thur. (Six days in total.)
- Mind decluttering (2. week): Mon to Sun, with the exception of Tue (travel day) and Thur. (Five days of destressing my mind from useless media information this week).
- No porn consumption (baby week): this was this week's new addition, as I become increasingly aware lately that some form of porn addiction is one of the problems that plauge me. Maybe even one of the major problems I have, possibly causing some other issues, but I shall see about that in the time to come. (Wed - Sun: five days of porn detoxication in total.)
- Proper sleep (baby week): another new adittion to the team. I have serious sleep issues whose roots are as long as several years in the past. My psychiatriat especially stressed the need to rest my mind, body and soul during the night, but I still have difficulties having proper night's rest. The goal of the first week was to have at least 7h of sleep every night, which I somehow more or less managed. (Fri - Sun: three days of proper sleep this week.)
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Weekly Challenge 5: Return to Shakespeare
Runtime: 05th June - 11th June '23.
Summary: This week was rough.
Monday, the first day, was almost in its entirety reserved for something I called "study organization" - which basically means that I took a whole day off just to organize the stuyding of Shakespeare for the remainder of the week. Yikes. 🤗
However, that wasn't that bad as the planning itself, which was only vaugely thought out and then somewhat poorly executed. In a nutshell, I decided to cover all of the Shakespeare's history plays (two tetralogies only) by the end of the week and the 'cover' part included: reading the plays, understanding all the nuances surrounding their themes, characters, plots etc. and also knowing to/rehearsing how to speak about all the exam questions that include history plays. And while my planning stage was ambitious, I soon realized that I overlooked in it certain things like time management, time organization and even time prediction (predicting how much I can do in specific time frame).
So, what was the natural outcome of that oversight, one might ask? Well, I have read only two plays out of planned five by the end of the week: Henry V (Wed) and 1 Henry VI (Fri-Sat). I also covered 2 Henry VI (Sun), but I didn't "read" it by myself: I rather followed the summary of certain professor from youtube who was posting the video summaries of Shakespeare's plays for his students and whom I discovered completely by accident. (It seems I indirectly became one of them lol.) And while he really did help me understand the play in its entirety, as it felt like I did read it with him in a way, I did not count it as a "read" one. After all, it was only indirectly read.
Fast forward to Wednesday, when I decided to start studying: I quickly realized that I ain't gonna do it all by the self-imposed deadline, so I narrowed the task down to only cover first tetralogy by the end... and even that was only half-done (and started from the end of the second tetralogy 😬).
So, the lessons I can now take out of this are to not be overly ambitious in the future, while working more on the practical side of things. The sides need to be evened a little bit. Smoothe the wrinkles. Iron the edges.
I made a pause on Thursday, for study summary.
Apart from this main, overarching task, that run from end to end of my personal weeks, binding it in a way, like a spine - there are other things I did throughout the week. Somewhat less important tasks, but still important to be mentioned here. Let's call them 'tasks of the second order.'
These include:
💫 going to the post office and sending money to my University on the name of 'exam registration' on Monday. (If someone knows the proper English terms for these, feel free to let me know in the comments.)
💫 going to a neighboring city to participate in my penultimate class of the year and of my entire undergraduate studies! Lecture: Less Belles Sours. (Interesting.) False bomb alarm on bus station and the University: bus redirected. Taxi lesson: to order it earlier next time upon arrival(i.e. from the bus). Rainy day. (Tuesday)
💫 registering for the exam I wanted to do at the end of this June (Shakespeare), after my money was safely deposited to my student e-account. Now I could properly start studying. (Wednesday) Aside: this late-night last-minute exam registrations are now like a tradition of sort, though this time at least I wasn't late as usual.
💫 renewing my monthly dose of medications and picking up my new headphones from a store (the old ones went defunct, so I expected the new ones for a while - turned out they were ready for taking for several days already). Also, mowing the grass around the house. (Thursday)
Some peculiar experiences I had during some of these:
👉 while in the post office, I felt parts of my mind awakening and becoming sharper. Of course, whenever I think about my mind, it's usually in the terms of "right and left brain parts." So, it was the left part of the brain that was suddenly awoken. Alas, it was short-lived.
👉 I finally managed to register my exams on time! after countless episodes when my payments was delayed, which meant my registering also needed to be delayed, which meant I needed to embarass myself, time after time, with sending the explanatory mails to student offices. So, I had an improvement this time!
Inovation I introduced this week: Mind Decluttering. (Starting from Wednesday.)
Namely, after realizing that my phone was negatively affecting my overall mental health for some time (the almost incesant stream of information was flooding my very passive and unproductive brain on a daily basis), I decided it is a time to take a pause from it for a while. In a way, I needed to re-learn how to use it, so that it stops being detrimental factor in my life and starts being something that will contribute to my well being. In short, I needed to stop being its slave and learn how to take a role of its master. I should make it my friend, not my foe.
So I decided to introduce the "no phone" zone to my day, usually the seven hours during the main part of day: 12pm - 07pm. During this time, the phone would be either turned off or switched to the "airplane/flight mode" and I would dedicate my time to something productive, instead off aimlessly using the phone. I named this process of filtering the unneccessary information out of my brain and focusing on the important - "Mind Decluttering."
Slightly embarrassing, but important milestone: I regularly brushed my teeth in a succession that hasn't stopped till this day, starting on Wednesday this week. (Maybe this can read as unusual to someone who never grossly neglected themselves like me during their days of depression, but that is one thing that depression can do to you.)
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Weekly Challenge: 4 (03. - 04. June)
This is my reading list of the year 2022.
This, also, was the year when my mental health was at its worst. (So far, though I want to believe that it cannot go worser than that; or, at least, that it won't go.)
I didn't believe I would survive that January of 2022.
Yet, somehow, I did.
The majority of that year was spent in a vegetative mode, recovering from severe panic disorder. I was litteraly unable to properly function on a daily basis. During this time, there were lots of lying down or walking around, thinking about life and misteries of the Universe, life mistakes I made in past and will make in future, etc. And somwhere in the meantime, I would force myself to read, just so that I don't go insane amongst all that loneliness and free time I sudennly had on my disposal. The reading list above that I finally created is a testament of that.
The rading part was very bumpy from the beginning. My reading pace was suddenly very slow. I would have frequent anxiety attacks when attempting to read. I was very fidgety, uneasy, constantly at the edge of my nerves and seat. I somehow managed to read nine stories by the end of that year and I call that success. (The one I enjoyed the most was Wuthering Heights, which was also the one I read the fastest: in two weeks. At least for me, back then, that was fast.)
Beside reading, there was also lots of notes-taking about my condition and recovery path in my diary. For a long time now I was planning to organize all of these notes and information I have in more meaningful and useful units, but due to lack of organization and motivation, that was just brushed off to a side.
Finally, I realized during these two days of "week" four that it was about time for these things to get brought to a closure; that is, for my past to be concluded and sealed, so that I can dedicate myself to the Present with a peacefull and calm mind. And here it is, the product of one such closure. More of these closures will ensure in the weeks dedicated to them.
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Weekly Challenge: 1 (8. - 15. May)
The first picture. The start of the weekly challenges. ☝
Synopsys:
After years of struggling with lack of motivation and will to live, I recently decided to motivate myself on a weekly basis by creating "strategies" for each week. "Strategy" is nothing more than 2-3 tasks I want to give myself that I want to accomplish by the end of the given week, and each task should somehow contribute to the "major goal" I have for my life. In other words, at the week's begining I would take a picture of the task(s) I am starting to do and at its end I would take another picture with a finished project. And that is exaclty what you can see on this picture I am sharing now: the results of my first such week!
On the picture above, there are my books and notebooks, all orderly and neatly organized, as I am preparing to study for my mid-term exam; below, the same, just in a disroderly chaos, as I am concluding my studies - this time, out on the open.
I am not saying that this idea will work, but the beginning is quite nice so far: I motivated myself to work and I passed the mid-term exam I was styding for. So far, so good.🥳
It was a stresfull first week, for sure, with the amount of stress just increasing as the deadline approached (as you can see also by the lower quality of the second picture: the closer I was to the end, the bigger the pressure was, the more nervous I grew and eventually I ran in from this pressure by going to study out, in the nature.) I am glad it's over.
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Weekly Challenge: 3 (23. May - 2. Jun)
This was a kind of a lazy week: not only because it took me actually two weeks to complete the challenge, but also because of the simple nature of the task. Namely, after finishing all my pre-examination obligations of the year, the only thing that was left for me to do (before I actively start dedicating my time to studying for the finals) was to bring about to closure all the "left-overs" that were left from the previous studyings. (I wanted to have as few chores as possible after the graduation in this regard.) The library book that I needed to return back to my University Library was one such left-over, and it was the main 'item' of this week's task.
However, to do so, I needed to erase from it all the notes and anotations I made on the margins while reading, as welll as to fix all the pages that tore and rip apart in the process. (*Pretending-to-be-guilty face*) And even though it seems like it should have been over-and-done with quickly, this task was actually very tedious and boring. It just kept going and going and going...
But it's finished, and here's the finishing result. 🤗
(It's a very small step for humanity, but important step for me on my recovery road.)
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