Pano mo narealize nung bata ka na mahirap lang kayo?

Palagi ko 'tong nababasa sa TikTok ngayon. Pano nga ba? Pano kung hanggang ngayon mahirap pa din kami? Pero para sagutin ang tanong na yan.

Mahirap pa rin kami ngayon pero hindi na gaya ng dati.

Dati, nakakapagJollibee lang kami kapag tapos ng pasko kasi may pera kami nun galing sa mga ninong at ninang. Tapos hanggang isang meal lang ang pwede mong piliin. Ganun din yung bagong damit, tuwing pasko lang kami nabibilhan kasi pinagiipunan pa yun ni Mama. (Case ko lang) Hindi ako nabibilhan ng bagong bag nun galing sa bigay mga gamit ko, sapatos na gamit ko ng tatlong taon nung HS at yung uniform na bigay lang din ng kapitbahay. Cake? Hindi namin yun kayang bilhin

Yung hindi kayo kasama sa alis ng kamag-anak kapag kailangan maglabas ng pera, iniimbitahan lang kami kapag kailangan ng magluluto sa handaan kasi magaling magluto si Mama. Yung pinapalock yung mga kwarto sa bahay nila kapag andun kami kasi baka mawalan sila ng gamit, yung tingin samin manghihingi kami or mangungutang lang kapag bibisita kami sa kanila. Yung hindi nila kami kayang pahiramin ng pera kahit pambayad sa tuition pero kaya magpaaral ng ibang tao.

Never ako nakasama sa fieldtrip, kapag may form nun, hindi na ko kumukuha kasi alam kong hindi namin kayang bayaran. Kapag may pumupuntang nagbebenta ng libro, naiinggit ako sa mga kaklase ko kasi nakakabili sila samantalang ako hindi kasi mahal at wala akong pera (35 lang pala yun nuon). Sa christmas party, may baon akong burger nun galing kela Dante or Hotdog sandwich tapos Juice tapos mga kaklase ko naka-Jollibee or Mcdo.

Naranasan kong gisingin sa pagkakatulog para umutang ng kape sa tindahan tapos hindi ako pauutangin kasi wala pa daw buena mano. Nagdaan ang birthday ko na umutang kami ng Sardinas at itlog tapos yun ang ulam namin nun. Nakakaluwag kami kapag may pang-almusal na 10 pesos sa umaga kapag wala, uutang sa tindahan. Naglakad ako ng isang linggo kasi 60 baon ko nun tapos tinatabi ko yung 40 kasi malapit na birthday ko, tapos ayun nakaipon akong 200 pesos, tapos bumili akong ice cream.

Nung bata ako, nagtataka ako bakit nagbbrown out samin tapos sa iba may ilaw sila, yun pala napuputulan kami ng kuryente kasi nakajumper lang kami that time. Yung anxiety na gigising ka na may Meralco sa bubong niyo tapos wala kayong kuryente. Iba.

Nung kakastart lang ng college, umiiyak ako nun, IT ako walang PC tapos iniisip kong huminto kasi ang dami kong libro tapos wala kaming pera si Mama lang yung gumagawa ng paraan nun para mairaos yung acads ko.

Yung mga kaklase ko twing pupunta sila sa SM nun, lalayo ako kasi kakain sila sa Fastfood eh wala na ko pambili. Twing practice, uhaw na uhaw kami tapos bibili silang softdrinks pero ako para makabili, kailangan ko maglakad pauwi kaya ang payat ko nun ehh. Haha

Hindi kami naggrocery nun, hindi namin kaya. Pati SM hindi kami pumupunta as a Family kasi nga ano naman gagawin namin dun diba? Nagkaron akong cellphone na keypad pa, nung 1st year college.

Nagkasakit ako tapos nagaway yung parents ko out of frustration kasi wala kaming pambili ng gamot. Iyak na ko nang iyak nun haha.

Nung buntis si mama, nagalit daw ako kasi wala na nga kami makain, buntis pa siya yun daw sabi ko.

As early as Elementary days as a kid, alam kong mahirap na kami. Alam kong walang wala kami sa kumpara sa iba. Hindi nga ako nagpapabili nun, or nanghihingi ng pera kahit meron sila kasi ang thinking ko, ilaan niyo na lang sa ibang bagay para sa susunod hindi na tayo gipit.

Isipin ko pa yung iba. Lol

Been crying lately. Struggling while keeping myself together. Kaya ko to. Can't even ask for help since wala na ko makapitan. Hi tumblr, it's been a while (but not good no? Since I'm talking to you. Not a good sign).

This is a typical young adult fiction book. But somehow I recognized the Lead character had some toxic traits in her (which is a downside of the book for me, I haven't even noticed myself rolling my eyes on a rainbow direction sometimes when she spoke her thoughts about some things. Tho she's 16, so let's give it to her). But the good part of this book were the facts about the medical terms and scenarios that were used. The kind of friendship that rarely exists and we all wished we have.

Most of the contents do happen in real life. This made me cry so much. We have to learn to treasure life and the people that we love while they're still with us. Also do everything that makes us happy 😊

Thoughts?

Seriously, sobrang nao-overwhelm ako these days. Para 'kong lumulutang. Hindi buo yung thoughts ko, hindi ko maprocess mga bagay bagay. I'm not sure if effect to ng sudden increase ng dosage ng medication ko or shock sa pagkamatay ng pinsan ko or dahil nawawala nanaman ako after a 2 weeks hiatus. Parang the things that you left 2 weeks ago, hindi mo na naman mahanap. Nagkasakit lang ako pero parang niligaw ako or something. Ni hindi ko maprocess yung emotions ko, need ko pa magbinge watch ng very heavy drama para umiyak ako. And dagdag mo pa yung factor na nakipag-argue kayo sa isang taong sarado utak. I was doing great 2 weeks ago, medyo nakakabalik na ko sa dati. Nagbasa na ulit akong books, nanuod ng Kdrama tapos eto nanaman, mawawala ka nanaman.

But pinaka-importanteng natutunan ko ata sa pagkakasakit ko ngayon is to learn to cherish life and be grateful. Sinusubukan kong gawin mga bagay na di ko naman ginagawa before like magsayaw. Hahahaha. But seriously, sana umokay na ulit lahat.

Some people tend to dislike stronger people.

Men, might be intimidated with strong women? Women, because other women are competition to them.

If they hate you, it's because you are stronger than them, they want to be just like you but they can't, so just end up hating you.

Happy pills during #quarantinelife. My #quaranthings Changing covers (plus the jammies), organized desk, newly painted nails, SEAFOOD!!!, chocolate cake, ramyun and FRIENDS 💗💗💗 (at Black And Pink Room) https://www.instagram.com/p/CEZq_DZHee6/?igshid=hu471wgd9f3t

25th ♡ https://www.instagram.com/p/CDq75tJMVCE/?igshid=no8ujow1zqd4

#25th ♡ https://www.instagram.com/p/CDq7fnRsEh2/?igshid=18mfvirv1v2eg

Not my typical post here in IG. Personal space kumbaga. Hahahaha pero since I'm so proud with my mini studio now, and someone really invested a lot of energy building this. Para na rin medyo "personal" yung laman ng IG ko since wala na kong choice dahil tatlong mukha ko agad yung previous posts ko. Lol dami sinabi. Thank you, Love. Always 💗 https://www.instagram.com/p/CDROF8uMzPm/?igshid=f8x6tqo3zs1f

I feel nostalgic. And it’s making me sad. I kinda miss the past, when everything was normal and happy. I miss my friends. I miss going out for a walk or a coffee. I miss the bookstores, I miss the park. I miss those mall dates. I miss those times we don’t stress about our own country. I miss going home from school. I miss the rainy roadtrips. I miss the photoshoots and photowalks. I miss backriding. I miss everything. Because we’re all stuck with nothing. We can’t go back to that time even if we want to. I wish these will serve as a lesson to all of us. We don’t want to take anything for granted again.

Time check. 4:56am — May 14, 2020

ANXIETY ATTACKS — will vent out here.

I have a question in my mind. WHY? Bakit kayo galit sa’kin? Hahahaha. Been tracing my journal and some insights, tagal na rin pala ng galit niyo? I mean dati pa lang, nasstress na ko about this. Anyways, recently I don’t know why pero in-unfollow ako ng isang member ng “Anti-Jocel Group” sa Twitter, no reason. Or kung meron man, hindi niya na-voice out kahit once. So ayun, no biggie since never naman siya naging supportive sakin kahit minsan kaya nga same response lagi ang binibigay ko sa kanya, hindi ko na rin siya sinuportahan. Hehe. Pero ayun, issue lang since wala ngang reason. WALA TALAGA. At isa pa, bakit kayo magagalit sa’kin in the first place kung kayo ‘tong obvious na obvious pinapakitang ayaw nila sakin lalo kapag andiyan ako sa bahay niyo. Hehe. Ayun, akala niyo ba hindi offensive na ayaw niyo kong kausapin kapag andiyan ako? Na ibang iba trato niyo sakin kumpara sa mga kalevel ko lang rin ng stado sa pamilya nyo? Hahahaha. Lahat ng mga bagay na yan napapansin ko, tahimik lang ako pero nagmamasid ako. May isang tao nga diyan hindi ko pa nakausap eh, at ayaw akong kausapin din HAHAHAHAHAHA. Nakakaloka. Ganyan ba talaga yung mga tao sa bahay niyo? Alam ko tinulungan niyo ko nung na-ospital ako pero sapat bang rason yun para ituring niyo kong basura? Parang hindi naman yata tama? Hindi niyo maikakaila na may hindi tama, pwedeng itanggi niyo to pero parang niloko niyo na rin sarili niyo. Ayaw niyo sakin, ayaw niyong lahat sakin. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Hindi ko rin naman gusto ipilit sarili ko sa inyo. Kaya nga hindi na ko nagpupunta diyan, para san pa? Para magmukhang tanga? Na walang papansin 😂😂 Pass na lang muna. Hehe. Pero sana maluwag sa mga puso niyo na may naaapakan kayong tao ano? Sana mahimbing ang mga tulog niyo. Ay, isa pa pala, kung iniisip niyong inilalayo ko siya sa pamilya niyo, tanong niyo siya, at alalahanin niyo rin kung panong puro insulto ang binibigay niyo sa kanya, pati na yung pangiiwan sa ere, mga planong siya lang ang hindi nakakaalam. Sinasabi niya sakin lahat. Tignan niyo rin mga sarili niyo, baka akala niyo napaka buti niyong mga tao. Be sensitive.

Clueless. Oblivious

I don’t know of these randomly twisted feelings. I can’t even read myself, but I can read anybody. Sad isn’t it? You are aware of everything except what’s happening to yourself. I’m emotionally drained. I’m begging for something that nobody can give. I’m wanting more because I believe I deserve those. I’m completely lost, lost in my own space. Places where I should be familiar with but ended up being confused of which is which. Even this entry, it goes nowhere in particular. But one thing’s for sure, I can feel everything, I can feel the hole in my heart. I can feel the needs of those gaps to fill in the missing puzzles they were longing for. I’m kinda exhausted. Maybe I’ll end it up here. I don’t even know where this would lead me.

Wrong move to marry that girl. Lol. What’s amazing about her. This is my guts again with people, I can sense them. Can’t be happy for you, specially for the kiddo. 🙃

Need that spark again in life.

Emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Just needed some rest and I’ll get up soon.

How to raise a child?

If you’re thinking that I’m carrying one. Sorry to spoil your dirty mind. This is just about my anxiety. I had a serious conversation with someone last night... there’s a big question about this person’s emotions that can’t be answered. There’s a gap in personality, I thought. That’s the only thing I could think. But how? From what I’m seeing in their home, yes HOME. I could tell that they have the thing you can consider as a happy family. Open to each other, affectionate. But still, there’s a gap in personality. Me, personally, you can read me. And I’ll give it to you. I do have many gaps in my personality, basically came from my childhood. I didn’t grew up in a nice and happy family. We didn’t have those heart to heart talks, even until now. We don’t say “I love you”s. Weren’t that affectionate with each other... I mean not just that but so many stuff going on but rather not to talk about. Those “gaps” affects me on how I treated others. I don’t like that either but those gaps losses my temper easily with kids. I don’t want to do anything that will damage them like it did to me. I don’t want to be a monster that scares me as well. I don’t want to be what I’m becoming. I’m not yet ready.. I don’t want to build my own family knowing that I might destroy someday because of this. I’m afraid... I’m terrified of myself. I need to fill these gaps in me..

SAD. Yes

A lesson that I’ve learnt from this world is that you cannot control how others will treat you, how they’ll feel about you, their words towards you. But you can control yourself to get away from them. To let them go if they no longer want you from their lives. Learn to value first yourself of all the people. Learn to get away from a toxic relationship. Learn to take no shits. Learn to walk away from those who doesn’t want you in their lives. Learn to walk away from those people who doesn’t want to see you flying and rather drag you down. To those who cannot be happy for your victory and will laugh when you’re miserable. Sadly those people exist in our lives and sometimes we didn’t always notice or we didn’t notice at all. People who might be close to us but can’t be happy if we are winning. People who always tell us that they’re here but if you need someone, they cannot even look at you. Seldom says that your biggest supporter would be a stranger and your biggest doubter is a close friend. That might be true. It’s a proven testament for me. I’m glad to have this ability to sense emotion from people but sometimes I’m not sure if I wanted this because of that. I can sense the bitterness in them (don’t want to name drop tho) every time that I did something good. I can tell that they looked at me like a total competitor. And sadly they are “family” and “friends”. Someday.... someday I’ll just walk away from them.

Luneta. #ChaseGreatness_FU #FotografiaUnited (at Luneta Park, Manila, Philippines) https://www.instagram.com/p/Boys_l6HHjU/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=5ny1shkqeze3