caroline-in-wonderland-blog
My Little Window
Music and Words / Música y Palabras
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No te odio ni quiero hacerlo. No hay espacio en mi vida para nada que no sea positivo. Sin embargo, aún sin saber por qué, aún contra mi propia voluntad, aún pensando que fuí manipulada y engañada y que quizá aún sea víctima de aquello, aún así te aprecio. No puedo evitarlo. Te aprecio, aprecio lo que haces y me alegra tu regreso, tu triunfo sobre aquella supuesta oscuridad. Lo demás no me interesa. Siempre fue imposible de todas maneras. Fuí infantil y me dejé ganar por la ansiedad y las ganas de creer que me amaban de verdad... Lo comprendo y me perdono por eso, que al igual que la duda muy en el fondo sigue vivo como una débil llama.
Aunque haya sido un espejismo, valió la pena. Pero sé que detrás de la ilusión existen personas de carne y hueso como lo soy yo. No puedo conocerlos de verdad, saber la verdad de sus almas y sus intenciones, pero puedo asegurarles que mi intención no ha cambiado. Que como siempre les deseo lo mejor.
Es verdad que mientras yo escribía algo sentido y profundo sobre el amor, ustedes se reían (¿de mí?) en una especie de "Hallowntin" o "Valoween" (🤦🏻♀️😅🤣) y eso, entre otras cosas, nos separa más que el océano... pero al igual que me comprendo a mí misma en el pasado, uno no muy lejano, creo comprenderlos a ustedes y su inevitable falta de madurez, común al medio en el que les tocó vivir. Si de casualidad leen esto y se ofenden, me darán la razón jaja. Si me entienden, significará que algo cambió y van por buen camino hacia la madurez que tanto cuesta alcanzar (les aseguro que a sus 70 años mi padre no llegó aún y le falta bastante jaja).
En fin... Necesito recuperar mi inspiración, mi monitor y ahora mi televisión jaja...
Me alegra saber que tienes dos estrellitas y una más grande a tu lado. Madurar es poder sentir este sincero alivio de que seas feliz, a pesar de que me hayas herido ... Pero era una herida que necesitaba para crecer. De todas formas, nunca pises a una flor silvestre sólo para averiguar hasta qué punto logra resistirlo. El karma existe, se los aseguro!!!
Pórtense bien. Merezcan esa felicidad y soporten las dificultades con la convicción de que las necesitan para crecer.
En definitiva, sólo quería decir: Gracias por tan fantástica melodía. Over. 💫🩷🤪 👋
M.C.
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🥹✨🩷❤️🩹😂
Summer Strike (I Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything) || Ep 3
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Lucky girl...
It’s been a while since I stayed up all night texting with someone.
–It’s the first time for me.
But don’t your wrists hurt?
SUMMER STRIKE (2022) dir. Lee Yoon-jung
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Hoy hace 4 años que llegué a Tumblr. 🥳
Las palabras me esquivan últimamente. Quizá por el frío, entré en un período de letargo... pero mejor no busco excusas y simplemente festejo que aún soy capaz de crear mundos fantásticos y vivir en ellos. Estos 4 años no pasaron en vano! Aunque lento aún camino...
Un saludo a quienes me acompañaron en silencio y a los que milagrosamente todavía lo hagan, si los hay 😂🩷💫👋✨💪💪💪💪💪💪🥰
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Mi deseo es sincero y el mismo de siempre: que seas feliz y te encuentres en el reflejo del espejo con una persona íntegra, valiente, libre de odio, resentimiento, de cualquier sentimiento que te aleje del equilibrio y la verdadera felicidad. Que tus bendiciones prosperen y crezcan. *Healing vibes*! ☺️💪
M.C.
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Carta a una flor.
Como descubrirás al crecer, los seres humanos adultos apestan, por esa razón te escribo sólo a ti, en este día especial:
Oh, pequeña flor, aún nos queda tanto por aprender y me encantaría poder enseñarte lo poco que, gracias a mis años, ya sé, para que a tí te sea más fácil comprender la vida y sus vueltas, sus recovecos, tormentas y misterios; pero por lo pronto me conformaré con pensar en tí y escribirte hoy, aún si no puedes leerme.
Adorada princesa de las flores: quizá nunca lo sepas pero al otro lado del mundo tendrás siempre, siempre, siempre alguien deseado tu felicidad, pero, sobre todo, esperando que aún si llevas una vida feliz y fácil, te conmueva el sufrimiento ajeno, que no te sea indiferente, que jamás, jamás, jamás de los jamaces, pienses que engañar y herir a alguien, que reír de sus defectos y burlarse de cualquier persona es justificable.
Sé feliz agradeciendo y aceptando, pensando en los demás y dejando que el universo piense en tí. Verás que si tomas siempre el camino más difícil nunca te perderás.
Mi pura y hermosa amiga flor, gracias por existir. A ti te debo mi renacer ... brilla para aquellos que necesitan tu brillo, ilumina sus caminos, perfúmalos con tu aroma, crece saludable y enséñales a no ser egoístas ni superficiales. Sé especial y única, sin miedo a lo que piensen los demás. Aún sin conocerte sé que eres perfecta, así que amate a ti misma tal y como eres: bella, bella, bella. (Todo tres veces! 😊).
A tí mi saludo sincero, del alma y una loa a tu pureza y encanto, pequeña y amada princesa de las flores. 🌼💝
M.C.
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Love is a Verb.
Although I've never celebrated Valentine's Day with anyone, I've had a kind of tradition for a while now: I share John Mayer's song «Love is a verb» on Twitter.
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I googled «what is love?» (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more 🎶😝) According to its definition, love is:
Of course these definitions are too simple, superficial, but I'm too eager (and lazy) to delve further into this difficult question, so I'll stick with it for now and get down to voicing my opinion (still with my ignorance about it) about this important human feeling:
For me love is the recognition of ourselves in others; it’s the unconscious realization that we all come from and are going to the same place. The acceptance that we are a single entity, whose parts have forgotten that to be happy they must seek harmony and not hurt each other, because it is the same as hurting themselves. I know, it may sound corny, but that's how I see it.
For me, love is the highest state of energy that we can aspire to. It is what gives absolute and permanent death to the ego, to everything earthly and mundane, which suddenly we don’t crave anymore.
When that love is concentrated in a person, then you have with them a sudden wave of peace, of tranquility. You are sure —I imagine— that you share the color of the soul, and its shape, that with no one else you could feel that security, that freedom to be yourself, because the exterior, the appearance, is just a circumstance. It is the soul that loves another soul. It is love that heals, that guides, that makes us the best version of ourselves.
You can feel emotionally, and especially sexually, attracted to many people, mistaking that for love. But, true love does not happen many times in life.
Love is a verb, without a doubt. Words are never enough nor parameter of anything. Without actions, words lose all their value. Whoever loves doesn’t make people suffer, doesn’t break a heart and then ask for forgiveness or call the other "my love" as if nothing had happened. Whoever truly loves shows it and maintains it over time, because true love doesn’t end, it doesn’t end according to circumstances or how much the loved one changes. The love that dies is not love.
Who truly loves doesn’t abandon, lie, cheat or betray.
Many people, no matter how old they are, don't really know how to love; they stay in that shallow state of physical attraction, letting their ego and what they learned from their parents or from society get in the way, and then they normalize, among other things, to hurt when they are hurt or trying to protect themselves from possible harm. They cannot live alone, and they lack the primordial love: self-love. They don't know themselves enough, they always blame others for what they can’t see as their own reflection. They don't try to change, to be better.
Personally, I used to watch with some envy the couples on the street, happily walking hand in hand, calling each other affectionate nicknames, showing what they call love. But I wonder how many of those couples will have a healthy, deep relationship. Surely not many. Most will go from ex to ex, aching with each breakup, looking for the right person or their "ideal type" when in reality they are looking for themselves.
Every person we feel attraction for is our reflection. Sooner or later, we will face that part of us that we don’t want to see, that we have conveniently buried deep in our consciousness, so that for us the problem is the other's, not ours. And we argue, and we break hearts and they break ours. Until we are alone again, we heal, and we dig up that "dead body" whose face we didn’t want to confront.
But if you put dirt on it again so as not to see it, history repeats itself. It does it over and over again, until all our "corpses in the closet" are put on display, until we understand that if we don't accept them, if we don't heal, if we don't recognize ourselves as faithfully as possible in the other, none of our relationships will be healthy, and that love will be nothing more than a cardboard, superficial, artificial love.
I suppose we all dream of meeting the "love of our lives", but there is a love that we always have close at hand, the love that will be with us forever: self-love. In order to love ourselves we must first know ourselves, and knowing ourselves is as easy —and as devilishly difficult— as embracing loneliness and not looking for anyone to complete us, but to feel complete on our own. We should accept that we will always be alone, that no one can walk our path for us. They may understand us, support us, but the inner work only depends on our effort and sacrifice.
Why sometimes our heart is infatuated with someone? It's still hard for me to know. But that whim should never be greater than our well-being, than our happiness or security. Nor that the happiness, well-being or safety of someone else. We must always find a balance and never give up.
If he tells you that he loves you, but hurts you, either physically or with his words, with abandonment or manipulation, then he doesn't really love you. Love is not said, it is shown.
You should not change anything about your essence or appearance in order to please someone, because you will lose the opportunity to find that person who will love each of your imperfections because they are part of you, because it’s what makes you who you are, and how you feel. If someone loves you, they will love that too.
There must be a balance between giving and receiving, accepting and setting limits, being firm and giving in. You must fully understand the other, sometimes make sacrifices and put the suffering or difficulty of the loved one above our comfort or preferences. Loving truly must be too difficult, but, at the same time, we know that the other tolerates as much as we do. When we love, we don’t ultimately choose beauty, talent or virtue (which anyone can love), but that dark side that we all have because we are human beings after all and no one is perfect. If we don't take the trouble to know those negative aspects, putting aside the idealization that led us to the initial crush, sooner or later it becomes intolerable and the "love" ends.
Heal to have a healthy relationship and grow together, help each other in that growth, that should be the goal. I think that when you see couples that somehow "make sense" you can notice that reflection, that unconditional love that is born without effort, without thinking or wanting it. You see two people with common values and goals, willing to overcome the vicissitudes of life together, communicating their feelings, respecting each other's times, difficulties and limitations.
If you're reading this and you'll also be «alone» today, believe me it's not that bad. Love should be celebrated every day. The flowers, the stuffed animals, the cards, none of that is necessary or really represents love. When you understand the superficiality of this day and most relationships, you discover that you don't have to feel bad. Make the most of your solitude. Dig up without anyone's help all those «dead corps», face them and make them disappear; Look for your inner child and help them heal all the wounds that their parents left them almost always without wanting to. Focus your sight and notice every detail of yourself (Love is not blind! love sees like a magnifying glass!), every pore, edge, until the image is as clear as possible, overcoming the fear of what you could see. Change what you can change, accept what you can't. Then, you will feel complete without the need to be in a relationship; Loneliness will not hurt you and you will be able to more easily recognize that person who understands you because they traveled that same path of self-recognition; they also feel complete, and they wait for you to come into their life as much as you do, to love you as they love their self: unconditionally, with body, soul, heart and their whole life, (hopefully) for all your life.
Love is a verb, so love, but love well: love yourself, love by showing (without abandoning, hurting, cheating or being selfish), love trusting, leaving your ego aside, love without expecting anything in return, specially love.
This day, then, I wish you to love completely, without fear of loneliness, giving the other what they deserve, or leaving them free to find someone who can give it to them. With or without someone by your side, be happy, today and always. <3
Caro.
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Love Is a Verb
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Aunque nunca festejé San Valentín junto a alguien, desde hace un tiempo tengo una especie de tradición: Comparto en Twitter la canción «Love is a verb» de John Mayer.
Busqué en Google «¿Qué es el amor?». Según su definición, el amor es:
Claro que es son definiciones demasiado simples, someras, sin embargo, soy demasiado ansiosa (y, para qué mentir, vaga) como para continuar ahondando sobre esta difícil pregunta, de modo que me quedaré con eso por ahora y me dedicaré a expresar mi opinión (aún con mi ignorancia al respecto) sobre este importante sentimiento humano: Para mí el amor es el reconocimiento de nosotros mismos en los demás; es la comprensión inconsciente de que todos provenimos y nos dirigimos al mismo lugar. La aceptación de que somos un solo ente, cuyas partes han olvidado que para ser felices deben buscar la armonía y no lastimarse entre ellos, pues es lo mismo que lastimarse a sí mismos. Lo sé, puede sonar cursi, pero así lo veo.
Para mí, el amor es el estado más elevado de energía al que podemos aspirar. Es lo que le da muerte absoluta y permanente del ego, a todo lo terrenal y mundano, que de pronto no ansiamos como antes.
Cuando ese amor se concentra en una persona, entonces tienes junto a ella una súbita oleada de paz, de tranquilidad. Tienes la seguridad —imagino— de que comparten el color del alma, y su forma, que con nadie más podrías sentir esa seguridad, esa libertad para ser uno mismo, porque el exterior, la apariencia, es tan solo una circunstancia. Es el alma la que ama a otra alma. Es el amor lo que sana, lo que guía, lo que nos convierte en la mejor versión de nosotros mismos.
Puedes sentirte atraído emocionalmente, y en especial sexualmente, por muchas personas, confundiendo aquello con amor. Pero, el amor verdadero no se da muchas veces en la vida.
El amor es un verbo, sin dudas. Las palabras nunca son suficientes ni parámetro de nada. Sin acciones, las palabras pierden todo su valor. Quien ama no hace sufrir, no rompe un corazón y luego pide perdón ni llama luego al otro de «mi amor» como si nada hubiera pasado. Quien ama de verdad lo demuestra y lo mantiene en el tiempo, porque el amor verdadero no se acaba, no termina de acuerdo a las circunstancias o cuánto cambie el ser amado. El amor que muere no es amor.
Quien ama de verdad no abandona, no miente, no engaña, no traiciona.
La mayoría de las personas, sin importar la edad que tengan, no saben realmente amar. Tal vez aman a su manera, pero sobre todo permanecen en ese estado superficial de atracción física, dejando que se interponga el ego y lo que aprendieron de sus padres o de la sociedad, y entonces normalizan, entre otras cosas, lastimar cuando son lastimados o intentando protegerse de un posible daño. No pueden vivir solos, y les falta el amor primordial: el amor propio. No se conocen a sí mismos lo suficiente, culpan siempre a los demás por lo que no pueden ver como su propio reflejo. No procuran cambiar ni ser mejores.
Solía afectarme pasar sola San Valentín, como creo que debe sucederles a muchas personas, pero por fortuna comprendí a tiempo que el amor se celebra todos los días, que festejar uno con alguien no significa ser conocedor o conocedora de ese amor con el que todos soñamos, el que nos transforma, consuela, eleva y potencia todo lo bueno en nosotros.
Personalmente, solía ver con algo de envidia a las parejas que se ven por la calle, paseando felices tomadas de la mano, llamándose con apodos cariñosos, mostrando eso que llaman amor. Pero me pregunto cuántas de aquellas parejas tendrán una relación sana, profunda. Seguramente no muchas. La mayoría pasarán de ex en ex, sufriendo con cada ruptura, buscando a la persona adecuada o a su «tipo ideal», cuando en realidad a quienes deben buscar es a sí mismos.
Cada persona por la que sentimos atracción es muestro reflejo. Tarde o temprano, nos enfrentaremos a esa parte de nosotros que no queremos ver, que hemos convenientemente enterrado en lo profundo de nuestra conciencia, por lo que para nosotros el problema es del otro, no nuestro. Y discutimos, y rompemos corazones y ellos rompen el nuestro. Hasta que volvemos a estar solos, sanamos, y desenterramos ese «muerto» al que no deseábamos verle la cara.
Pero si vuelves a echarle tierra con tal de no verlo, la historia se repite. Lo hace una y otra vez, hasta que todos nuestros «cadáveres del placard» sean puestos en exhibición, hasta que comprendamos que, si no los aceptamos, si no sanamos, si no nos reconocemos lo más fielmente posible en el otro, ninguna de nuestras relaciones será sana, y ese amor no será más que de cartón.
Todos, supongo, soñamos con conocer al «amor de nuestra vida», pero existe un amor que tenemos siempre a mano, el amor que nos acompañará a la fuerza para siempre: el amor propio. Para amarnos primero debemos conocernos, y conocernos es tan fácil —y tan endemoniadamente difícil— como abrazar la soledad y no buscar que nadie nos complete, sino sentirnos completos por cuenta propia. Aceptar que siempre estaremos solos, que nadie puede caminar nuestro camino por nosotros. Podrán comprendernos, apoyarnos, pero el trabajo interior sólo depende de nuestro esfuerzo y sacrificio.
¿Por qué a veces nuestro corazón se encapricha con alguien? Todavía me es difícil saberlo. Pero nunca ese capricho debe ser más grande que nuestro bienestar, que nuestra felicidad o seguridad. Tampoco que la felicidad, el bienestar ni la seguridad de alguien más. Debemos encontrar siempre un equilibrio y nunca abandonarnos.
Si te dice que te ama, pero te hiere, ya sea físicamente o con sus palabras, con abandono o manipulación, entonces no lo hace realmente. El amor no se dice, se demuestra.
No deberías cambiar nada de tu esencia o apariencia con el fin de agradarle a alguien, porque perderás la oportunidad de encontrar a esa persona que amará cada una de tus imperfecciones porque son parte tuya, porque es lo que hace quien eres, y como te ama lo amará también.
Debe existir un equilibrio entre dar y recibir, entre aceptar y poner límites, entre ser firme y ceder. Se debe comprender por completo al otro, a veces hacer sacrificios y poner el sufrimiento o la dificultad del ser amado por encima de nuestra comodidad o preferencias. Amar de verdad debe ser demasiado difícil, pero, al mismo tiempo, sabemos que el otro tolera tanto como uno. Cuando amamos, no elegimos, en definitiva, belleza, talento o virtud (que cualquiera puede amar), sino ese lado oscuro que todos poseemos porque somos en seres humanos, después de todo, y nadie es perfecto. Si no nos tomamos el trabajo de conocer esos aspectos negativos, dejando a un lado la idealización que nos llevó al enamoramiento inicial, tarde o temprano se hace intolerable y el «amor» termina.
Sanar para tener una relación sana y crecer juntos, ayudarse mutuamente en ese crecimiento, ese debe ser el objetivo. Creo que cuando uno ve parejas que de algún modo «tienen sentido» es que puedes notar aquel reflejo, aquel amor incondicional que nace sin esfuerzo, sin pensarlo ni quererlo. Ves a dos personas con valores y objetivos en común, dispuestas a superar los avatares de la vida juntos, comunicando sus sentimientos, respetando los tiempos, dificultades y limitaciones del otro.
Si lees esto y también pasarás solo/a el día de hoy, créeme que no es tan malo. El amor debería celebrarse todos los días. Las flores, los peluches, las tarjetas, nada de eso es necesario ni representa de verdad al amor. Cuando comprendes lo superficial de este día y de la mayoría de las relaciones, descubres que no tienes por qué sentirte mal. Aprovecha al máximo tu soledad. Desentierra sin ayuda de nadie todos esos muertos, afróntalos y haz que desaparezcan; busca a tu niño/a interior y ayúdale a sanar todas las heridas que sus padres le dejaron casi siempre sin querer. Enfoca tu vista y nota cada detalle de ti mismo/a (¡el amor no es ciego, sino que ve como una lupa!), cada poro, arista, hasta que la imagen sea lo más nítida posible, superando el miedo a lo que puedas ver. Cambia lo que puedas cambiar, acepta lo que no. Entonces, te sentirás completo/a sin necesidad de estar en pareja; no te dolerá la soledad y podrás reconocer con mayor facilidad a esa persona que te comprenda porque recorrió ese mismo camino de auto reconocimiento; también se siente completa, y espera que llegues a su vida, para amarte como se ama a sí mismo/a: incondicionalmente, con su cuerpo, su alma, su corazón y toda su vida, (con suerte) por toda tu vida.
El amor es un verbo, entonces ama, pero ama bien: ámate a ti mismo, ama demostrando (sin abandonar, lastimar, ni engañar ni siendo egoístas), ama confiando, dejando el ego de lado, ama sin esperar nada a cambio, mucho menos que te amen.
Este día les deseo entonces que amen con el cuerpo y el alma, por entero, sin miedo a la soledad, dándole al otro lo que merece, o dejándolos libres para encontrar quien pueda dárselos. Con o sin alguien a su lado, sean felices, hoy y siempre.
Caro.
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Podría haber hecho mejor las cosas, pero así es como salió... Aún guardo la secreta esperanza de que nuestras mejores versiones se conozcan en un futuro. Aunque no suceda así, siempre estaré aquí, deseándote lo mejor, a la distancia.
Necesito reducir aún más las palabras. A veces sólo sirven para enredarlo todo y herir sin querer.
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Ojalá nos hubiésemos conocido en otro tiempo o en otro lugar, pero entonces no hubiéramos sido tu yo... 😔🤷🏻♀️🥹
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My 2022
The end of 2021 and the beginning of 2022 was a bit complicated. We spent several days with power cuts and the impossibility of using more than one air conditioner at the same time, which prevented me from writing, since the heat wave made it impossible to resist even with a fan. We were also without Internet, but obviously they were no more than minor problems and they soon found a solution. I couldn't imagine then that the end of this year would be a little more difficult.
My mom had been coughing at night for a long time, but she attributed it to a brand of toothpaste, because it happened that when she changed it, she felt that it improved. However, her cough became more and more frequent, even during the day, from time to time losing his voice and having to clear his throat at all times. She ate honey candies, drank herbal cough suppressant syrup, tea with honey, gargled with water and bicarbonate of soda, but nothing relieved that annoying itch in her throat. With my sister we blame the disinfectant spray with which my mother covered everything as soon as she came home from the street for fear of Covid (yes, she is somewhat exaggerated in her fear and care in this regard), but even so the cough continued.
Finally, the doctor, the otolaryngologist, who did not see anything wrong in her examination, insisted that she should consult a gastroenterologist because he was sure that the origin of her problem was not allergic as we thought but rather a product of heartburn, even when she didn’t present other symptoms, such as heartburn or sore throat, or reflux.
He also hinted that it may be a hiatal hernia. “A hiatal hernia is a condition in which a part of the stomach pushes up on the diaphragm muscle. In a hiatal hernia, a part of the stomach bulges into the chest. It enters through a hole where the esophagus connects to the stomach. Hiatal hernias may not cause symptoms. In some cases, they may be associated with heartburn and abdominal discomfort. Hiatal hernias may not require treatment. Some are treated with drugs and a few others may need surgical intervention”.
As he referred her to a gastroenterologist who is also a surgeon and implied that since she didn't improve after 70 days of drug treatment, it was very likely that she would need to undergo surgery.
My dad, who worked for a long time as an otolaryngology teaching assistant and knows these doctors, doesn't trust them too much. According to him, they don't really care about the patient's health, but rather how much money they can get from them, and I know that he is partly right, but I can't stop thinking that perhaps this is the only definitive solution to her problem, although fortunately my mother's decision to waiting, encouraged by her nutritionist who gave her a proper diet to soothe her heartburn and prescribed probiotics, has yielded good results. Added to this was her blood pressure that increased so she had to change her medication, and then again until she found one that didn’t contribute with her discomfort.
I may be exaggerated or overly sensitive, but every time she coughs, my heart sinks a little. It reminds me that that shadow is still there, that her health is not complete and that there is still the possibility of that surgery that I hope is not necessary. I already insisted that she needs to go at least to the gastroenterologist who treated me when I was diagnosed with celiac disease and who gave me a good impression, in addition to not being a surgeon. I hope that, although her coughing episodes are fortunately much less violent and lasting, as well as much more spaced (and I’m very happy for that), she doesn't stop going next year as she promised, because we won't even know for sure if it's actually a hiatal hernia or something else (she is also afraid of an endoscopy).
I need her to be okay to be okay too, of course. That is the only gift I ask for this Christmas, the only thing I want and need for now, the thing that worries me the most.
I am aware that many people are going through greater difficulties than I could even imagine, so I pray for them too. I always said that the most important thing is health, and I confirm it. I don't need anything more than that, that the ones I love are healthy.
As for me (who luckily had a fairly healthy year, aside from a cold), I'll indulge myself and congratulate myself that I've managed to take a few steps, however small, toward my goal. I am a little closer to becoming the person I want to be, a little closer to that long-awaited feeling of fulfillment. Perhaps I have not achieved a physical, tangible, important change, like the one I had imagined last year, but I didn’t sit idly by and achieve more victories. That is to say, Chelo achieved them, such as the fact that they published two of her stories and six of her poems. 😊
Of course, the year also began with that good news, specifically on January 8; an email in which they informed me that my story "Esscence" had been selected to be part of an anthology and also obtained a prize of 50 euros and two copies, which for me is already a lot. That was my first tangible achievement, although my copies that were supposed to arrive in October or November have not yet arrived 🥲 (I'll send an e-mail asking for the delivery number so I can ask what happened in the post office).
It's a pretty humble start and I haven't won a first, second or even third place yet, but I'll keep pushing myself, reading and trying to improve myself to achieve it, with the main goal of "exercising my writing muscles". I know that I have potential and that this is my path, the one that I will travel with the conviction that there is also a bigger purpose beyond my fulfillment or that of achieving my independence, something that still seems impossible.
I don't usually set myself goals for the end of the year, but this time I have them clear, and I know that I will achieve them because my mentality is finally the right one. Little by little I am putting my thoughts in order and keep my vision fixed on the goal. Also, that I don't care what others think, say, or do; I must show myself that my love for me is genuine and that I will not abandon myself again. Even if it’s difficult, I will face my challenges with optimism. I cannot and must not go back now. My appearance is one of the items on my list. I must take courage and shave my head, accept myself and find a way to present myself to the world without shame; that the only thing that matters to me is feeling comfortable with myself. I have to leave my comfort zone a lot more. This year I tried, but not hard enough; I always find an excuse to return to comfort. I hope that ends in 2023.
And I hope that those who read me do the same. I hope you have health, strength and an optimistic, positive spirit. Hopefully whoever tried to offend me at the beginning of this year discovers that when one points a finger the other three point at us, because we are even more than what we accuse others of. A person capable of hurting, of hating, with or without reasons, doesn’t have peace or love in their heart, so I hope that they find it during this coming year and that they don’t remain in the same place of mind for much longer. Don't miss the opportunity to grow, to be a little better every day. May she learn to let go (leaving room for the new), to accept and fight fairly, without anything negative coming out of her lips or low action from her hands. (I'm talking about this character in my mind). The universe is always in charge of doing justice for us, giving us what we deserve and need. I’m convinced that something guides me and pushes me in the right direction, it’s just a matter of letting go and accepting that things do not always turn out as we hope. Everything begins and ends with yourself.
I know this is going to be another “lonely” year, but I hope I can do my part a bit, open up more to the possibilities, and maybe connect with someone I can become friends with. During the last three months there were times when I really felt the need for a hug, for someone who could comfort me and tell me that everything would be okay. I needed to be able to talk to someone, for a change. I don't feel lonely anymore, but that empty place persists... Of course I've felt someone's company, but it's not the same... it's like a ghost (Since I remembered her, I hope Livia is well and I would like to wish her a happy new year to her and her family XD). A ghost that I know cannot possibly be for me as he or I would like, or as I would need. I don't expect it either... I took care not to say anything beforehand just in case, in case he could worry about me in that important moment... In any case, it already helped me to see him happy and I had the consolation of his music, as it was for so many other people too...
I know I'm not really alone, I know. So I will be very happy to be able to celebrate another end of the year as a family, to have my beautiful, sweet, creative, talented and admirable mother with me and hopefully it will be for much, much longer, until I can share with her every achievement, every big change, every happiness and that she is happy and proud of me.
Sharing... that's what it's all about. It is what we all, wanting it or not, yearn for. Without really knowing if you are still there, if someone is angry with someone and if so who with whom (without knowing anything, in conclusion) I share with you again my words, a portion of my life, my humble achievements and struggles, in this final path still uncertain but that I enjoy more than before. My love for the idea of you will always be here 💛, wherever I express it or not. I keep it while I transform myself into solid ground, into a true refuge where someone can shelter forever and not just for a moment until everything falls with the first strong storm for not having worked well on it. Someday I will give all of myself to someone who will give me all of themselves, showing me (and I'll make myself sure of that) that there is no one else in their life but me and that, just like me, they work hard to be my firm ground, my permanent refuge, my home, where never the more I feel alone, as I have felt more than once (as resently). Although my heart yearns it urgently sometimes, I understand and accept that I still have a lot to do before that... ni modo!
So yeah, I'm practically thinking out loud, as usual. If anyone made it this far (without cheating haha), thanks.
I wish you with all my heart a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous, wonderful, healthy and successful 2023. Happy Holidays!!! Everyone… Fighting!!!!!!!!
P.S 1.: Maybe I’m imagining things, but I have the feeling that something happened or is happening, something had change… it’s ok. I’ll be okay, just make sure to do the right things and to be happy. The first Christmas of Clavelito! And soon the first year… time flies. The best wishes for all of you. Please, never ever despair, don’t be selfish or too stubborn. Don’t remain in an angry mood. Accept and let go too… think about what we (me and her) deserve. And please, eat more!! Why so skinny? I hope you are healthy. 🙄
P.S. 2: Oh! Another good thing that happened this year: we could save Beluguín! That was almost a miracle. XD I’m very thankful for that. And for you coming back, of course. That's all I wanted.
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My reflection on Break-ups.
Suddenly I started to think about separations, break-ups, and the idea of writing something about it came to me. As I’m used to, I won't be writing so much from experience as from observation or intuition, and this will be just a personal opinion, which can even be changed or expanded, I guess. In fact, I have changed a lot in many aspects in recent years. Personally, I've only had a sort of “simulacrum" of breakup and heartbreak in the past year. Despite the particularity of my situation, I’m sure that my feelings, all of them, were and still are real, although I know that I could not compare them to a real or normal breakup.
Of course, not only my case, but each person, each couple, each story and each breakup is unique and there are no laws applicable to all, nor the possibility of generalizing. Even so, since I “like” to overthink, I began to analyze this that can cause so much pain at times, to the point of inspiring movies, books and songs.
Is that pain avoidable? It's something I reflected on. I believe that, depending on the case, it can be or that it is at least possible to avoid prolonging it too much. I believe that, just as the way we relate to others depends to a large extent on our relationship with ourselves (whether it is healthy or not), the way in which these relationships end depends on how healthy and deep they were. Namely; if a person (in an extreme case), possessed by anger, sets fire to his ex-partner's car, the first thing I would think is that their relationship, however harmonious or passionate it may have been at some point in the past, was not healthy, because that person did not manage to heal or find balance in their self. I admit that I’m not writing anything new; it is a perhaps logical conclusion, but it’s more than anything to put my thoughts in order.
According to Twitter, Buddha said that the root of suffering is in attachment, and I think that is very true. Real love is too difficult. It often implies resignation, letting go of the person you love and that life you had or the future you imagined with them. That is an obviously inevitable pain, whose strength or duration will depend on the degree of attachment and how aware we are that we go actually through this life alone, that not everyone will walk by our side, hand in hand, forever. Accepting that the other person has their needs, their purpose, their struggles and impossibilities, their individual path of life and that it also does not run parallel to ours, is difficult but necessary, precisely to prevent emotions from overcoming us and that pain stays longer that it should. Also to avoid trying to retain the other, making them suffer and suffering ourselves, in a prolonged and avoidable agony. It may seem that accepting and letting go implies a lack of feeling, and that clinging to the person or showing unbridled emotions is a valid and great show of love, but it’s just the opposite!.
I like to think of a relationship as two people who understand that they met to help each other find their paths, to get to know each other better, not to give up, to grow and discover all these answers that we would not have arrived at by ourselves. Sometimes they teach us and help us by hurting us, showing us our worst reflection, because each person we love is nothing more than that, a reflection of ourselves. We love what is good, but what we must change hurts us, either because it is an identical or complementary reflection. For example, if we accept mistreatment or lack of respect, that speaks of our lack of self-esteem, of our insecurities. We must learn to love ourselves and to truly love in order to be loved in the same way. We should ignore what we are taught and what we see around us, what is considered "normal", although now it is fashionable to classify people and relationships as toxic, when we all are toxic at some point.
If we only look at appearances or stick to superficial attraction, that is what we will receive in return (and it's ok if we are aware of that and that's exactly what we want). I remember someone who said to me “Every woman I’ve met was crazy” *, as if it were a matter of chance, and I regret not having told him at that time: “Do you win women by lottery? No, you choose them, it’s what you attract, they are your reflection. If you intend to relate to another type of woman, then you should be another type of man” (and the same in reverse, of course).
I think that, if at the moment of ending a relationship, we are capable of despising that person, dedicating hurtful words to them, bringing out their defects, wishing them harm or actively acting against them, then it’s clear that we didn’t really love them.
"Love is blind" is not true. Perhaps infatuation is, but real love is capable of seeing every little defect, as if instead of eyes we had a pair of magnifying glasses; so that when you separate there will be no surprises or realizations. We love the good and the bad, because we have already defined that we are also, and that we find someone who loves us as we are, with the good and the bad, who would never dare to throw our defects in our faces or intentionally insult or hurt us, because even if it’s inevitable to go your separate ways, that person will always occupy an important place in your memory and your personal history. They are those people capable of even continuing to be friends and without a doubt wishing each other the best.
I think of the case of my sister, who had a relationship for a long time (about five years, I think), with a boy from the United States; they even had, at least he did, intentions of getting married. But time and distance, in addition to other issues, ended up separating them, although they are still friends and continue to talk even if not so often. Their appreciation for each other is genuine; maybe they are soul mates, if I allow myself to believe in that, because we can actually have more than one; they can be friends or family, anyone who touches our lives helping us grow.
I admit that my attachment and ego made me suffer at the time, although I pretended for a while that I was fine. They say “Fake it till you make it” and that's what I did, until I was able to fulfill it and little by little recover my peace of mind; stop feeling that weight, that sadness... there is still something of it (due to the impossibility of communication, confusion, lack of clarity, etc), but I feel that, if I had to live the same thing again or something similar, it would be different. I think and I hope I have learned something, have understood the reason why I had to live that and that reassures me. Not that I care at all, that it wouldn't hurt, but I managed to stabilize my thoughts and feelings. I would like to see the whole picture and distinguish if I am getting fair treatment or not, if it is really impossible for it to be any other way or not. Whether I should agree to certain things or not.
Another myth is that hate has something to do with love. "From love to hate there is only one step" ... impossible. Where there is love there is no room for hate and vice versa. Hate only consumes those who hate, that's all it does, and if they hurt you, the only healthy way out is oblivion.
You want to go from A to B along the path you trace in your mind, the one you imagine or dream of, and you try to do it as quickly as possible, but many times it doesn't turn out that way. However, if I'm sure B is my destination, I'll get there anyway. The important thing here is to learn; learning to love, to let go and to be alone. I haven't got my heart back yet and I forgot to set up a hidden camera to see how they're treating it, but I'll trust (despite no clear signs that they do) that they treasure it and if not they'll get it back to me quickly before hurting it any further. If they ask me for theirs back, I know that I will return it without reproaches, without burning cars, harassment or suicide threats (XD) and in perfect condition, at least as far as my actions are concerned. Nor will I do anything if I never really had it. I am not afraid of being cheated or abandoned, because then that would not be my reflection at all… there would be nothing for me there, and as soon as I am aware of that, I just have to continue on my way. Ah, the theory seems simple, of course, will the practice be too? It's probably much more complex, I know. But at least I carry my vision with me, and my peace of mind. *floats in the river on an inflatable pink flamingo 🦩*.
*In Spanish would be “Me tocan todas locas (Todas las mujeres que me tocaron están locas)”, like “gaining them” by chance.
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