bryabdad26
amusements
things that make me smile
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Some of my friends accuse me of being exceedingly self serving, just because I love buffets.
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In our nation's capital, not far from the White House, there's s new menswear store that only sells pants and shorts without zippers.
It's a no fly zone
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I had to stop collecting old stamps.
I don't have the required licker license
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Gonna write me some sarcastic poetry. Yeah, gonna use ironic pentameter.
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Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door, and said "He can work for you, but it will cost you $500."
"That much?" asked the man.
"But you're getting my husband and his otter," said the wife. "They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."
"But I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350," the man countered.
"Sorry," she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
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I use an extra sensitive toothpaste...
It doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
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Satan has stopped entering his squad in cheerleading competitions. They literally have no chants in Hell.
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"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them."
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My latest side hustle has been stealing, refurbishing, and selling encyclopedias. Almost nobody noticed the thefts, until I was arrested yesterday. I told the officer "Wait, I can explain everything:
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Never forget, a pirate will be irate if you steal their P
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When talking a calculus exam, never sit between identical twins......it's very difficult to differentiate between them.
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A woman took her husband to the doctor. "He can't talk, only sings!" she told him in some distress. "I can't communicate with him anymore!"
The doctor asked the husband, "Is this true? Are you only able to sing now?” The husband looked at the doctor and burst out, "Well she's all you'd ever want, she's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinner!"
"Interesting," the doctor said. He checked the husband's vitals, listened to his heart and lungs and took out a tongue depressor. "Alright sir, say aahh.” Instead the husband helplessly belted out, "My my myyy, Delilah! Why why whyyy, Delilah!"
The woman began to cry. "Is this my life now? Will I never be able to have a conversation with my husband again?"
The doctor held up a hand, "Wait wait, I think I may know what's going on. Let me just run one more test. Sir, would that be alright with you?” The husband enthusiastically replied, "What's new pussy cat? Whoa whoa whoa! What's new pussy cat? Whoa whoa whoa!"
The doctor nodded. "Ma'am, your husband has TJS."
"What's that?" she asked.
"It stands for Tom Jones Syndrome."
The woman looked at the doctor, nonplussed. "I've never heard of that, is it rare?"
The doctor jumped up and sang happily, "It's not unusual"
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A famous Hindu religious scholar was giving a talk at our local high school last week, and one kid was standing up on his seat relentlessly teasing our guest. Others tried to get him to quit, or at least get down off the chair, but they needed security to weigh down upon the swammi ribber....
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I used to date a woman with a lazy eye. Turned out, she was seeing someone else the whole time.
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