Tonight catch me at Broodyful at @bossygrrlspinupjoint , I'm bringing 2 new numbers so you won't want to miss it~ Tickets are only $10 and doors open at 9 shows at 10~ See ya there~ 🥰💕 #614events #columbusevents #dragperformer #burlesque #localartist https://www.instagram.com/p/ClcU-nkOQdZ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Come see me tonight @bossygrrlspinupjoint for this month's installment of Creme de la Femme~ I've missed the stage and I can't wait to bring a something a lil spicy and sweet~ 😏💕 See ya tonight at 10 pm and ticketsare $10, come early for karaoke and a good seat~ #614events #burlesque #dragperformer #columbusevents (at Bossy Grrls Pin Up Joint) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClZBejpOETC/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

TW: mental illness, depression, su*cide mention

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Idk what I'm doing, I quit my job to focus on my health because the thought of work has been causing me to have panic attacks and meltdowns for months. I've also haven't been coping well with how physically demanding it was and my body has been in constant varying levels of pain. Some days are doable and others I'm bedridden and can barely even get up to go to the bathroom or to get food. My insomnia severity has only gotten worse to the point some days I was lucky to get a few hours. I was miserable and constantly thought of unaliving or just wanting to never exist in the first place. I constantly wondered what was the point of having a job when my hours are constantly cut and when I am there I'm forced to take on the workload of 3 positions at once. Everyday I woke up I wish I hadn't and these thoughts had only gotten worse in the past couple of months while I struggle physically, mentally and financially. I always thought my work ethic was good and I often got compliments from customers for my great attitude while I hid the tears from a quick crying session while I grabbed there orders because my body was giving up on me and even lifting 15lbs made my body scream in pain. I felt relieved for a moment that maybe my body and mind could finally start to recover but instead the impending sense of doom only drew closer. I don't want to give up and I finally have a support group that's rooting for me but I feel like a failure and a fraud. I just want to feel how I did during the brief time I was on unemployment and my EX and their things were finally out of my home but I had to give it up a few months later because I was layed of a second time. I'm just scared I guess I desperately need to leave this apartment I live in currently but my account is always in the negative and any money I have goes to trying to get my account above the amount it needs to be so I don't get charged another fee. Exhaustion is my constant state of being and despite my loved ones saying I'll be okay and I've been through worse it's hard for me to find comfort in their words. The world feels too big and a part of me is genuinely tired of working myself to the ground for crumbs. I can barely keep food down because I feel a constant guilt for consuming anything while I'm not able to contribute. I don't know I'm not saying I'm giving up but fuck this shit is depressing and I just want to go back to those few months when I actually felt happy 😞 I'm still trying to find joy where I can through performing and art but I can't ignore the damage that's been done to mind and body. I guess I just wanted to say that I'm not okay but I'm still trying despite these unrelenting feelings of dread and hopelessness. I'm told I deserve to be happy and thriving but how much longer do I have to suffer before I get there? 🥲

TW:Depression/suicidal ideation. I know I never post on here but life has been better lately. I'm definitely not where I thought I would be at 29 but hey at least I'm still here. And I'm actually grateful to be. Depression ruled my life and I wanted nothing more to be non-existent. Every day felt like torture for so long and I constantly thought I was just here to suffer. I also unfortunately trauma bonded with my ex and my life spiraled even further. Everyday I felt like a shadow of my former self, just a ghost of the person I used to be just barely clinging on to reality. I was growing closer and closer to imploding everyday and it just felt like it was inevitable. But life still went on and I managed to get out on the other side of the abuse but I felt even more hopeless. The few things I adored and did like about myself felt disgusting and wrong because of the treatment I received. And while it might sound superficial to some but being shamed for dressing up and expressing myself through makeup broke me. It was the only artistic outlet I had left and without I felt defensless against a cruel world that seemingly didn't want me. But something changed completely out of desperation to just have a nice night out and make a few bucks because I was tired of financial situation I finally went out and performed on stage,, and even more shockingly it was burlesque. For awhile I've considered myself a work at home drag queen, but I started going to this local pin up joint for karaoke and fell in love with the welcoming queer space. I never felt so at home before in a bar but I can genuinely say I'm eternally grateful for my best freind Q who convinced me to help a friend with a performance months previously. And now they couldn't get rid of me if they wanted to, all jokes aside tho I genuinely feel love and acceptance I've never experienced from so many talented and beautiful performers..

I'm not still broke and still in stressful living environment and I'm still healing from my trauma but I'm learning to cope in healthier ways. I still fuck up and fall back into old habits but it's getting a little easier to get back up. And while creating art is something I almost lost because of depression I'm finally finding ways to be expressive in other forms like performing. Idk probably no one will see this but it'll be nice to look back on this blog and see a somewhat positive post about my current situation for once~ I'm so grateful for the people in my life that I've been able to meet through drag and burlesque and I feel like I have a genuine support group and sense of community like which I've never had before. Life's still a wild ride but for once I'm not scared to see what's around the bend. Pictured is my handsome and sweet bestie Lee (the irony of us both having the same name and our birthdays a day apart) who I absolutely adore~ 🥺💕💕💕 this was your daily dose of Brocc Lee (formally known as Kitsune Fantasy) and thanks for reading, I hope you find a little bit of happiness today~ ☺💕

Why do I bother anymore knowing full well I'm just going to fail again

I'm so tired of existing, I know I'm spiraling but I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting I just want to rest for once and know what peace of mind actually feels like. I fail at everything and I'm sick of being a burden, it's exhausting and I'm so very tired

Honestly the best shot of my Allen Walker cosplay from Saturday at Ohayocon, even tho it drives me crazy that I didn't realize my wig was sliding forward 😣 but hey I tried~! Thanks @tparries for the 📸~! #blackcosplayer #dgrayman #allenwalker #cosplay #ohayocon https://www.instagram.com/p/BsmE9RxHgdR/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ycvs0pung830

Eyyyyy, sorry for the lack of posts but I'm gonna try and get better at that this year~ This was at my friend's @nat.white holiday party a month ago~ Also I'm stoked for Ohayocon this weekend, the concrunch is real tho lol #selfie #alternativefashion #blackgirlmagic #makeup https://www.instagram.com/p/BsWuR8Rnt3s/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1rnbrmn2f6isf

Throw back to when I was blonde for two days before I dyed it it's current color~ Sorry for the absence, been busy with work and whatnot~ But I've been really pushing myself to take care of myself, and really focus on my short term goals~ #nonbinary #blonde #makeup #melaninmagic https://www.instagram.com/p/BrLv4nyHDXu/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=10rdbp415u2yc

Surprise!! I decided to replace my chompette cosplay with Allen Walker from D.Gray-Man for Saturday at ohayocon, I still need to do a proper makeup test and style this wig but I'm super stoked to cosplay one of my fav bois~ I hope I can get everything done in time lol #dgrayman #cosplay #cosplaytest #allenwalker #sadwhitehairedanimeboy https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqi7VAQn-Dv/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=11ecxaporppzs

Why is it that in almost every D&D group I’m in, SOMEONE wants to have a joke character. And no, I don’t mean like a choatic neutral bard or something, I mean a goddamn chicken. You wanna be a fucking chicken??? A CHICKEN???

I SPENT SO MANY HOURS CRAFTING HOMEBREW RACES, AND CLASSES AND SHIT AND YOU WANNA BE A NORMAL FUCKING CHICKEN WITH A BIG SWORD??? REALLY???? REALLLLYYYY????

So no, I don’t really mind bards.

My look from last night to see @dominiquet.a.r.jackson at axis last night with my awesome co-worker @tparries last night~!! I was pretty bummed that we missed the meet and greet due to scheduling being thrown off but when we went downstairs we bumped into her and SHE CALLED ME BEAUTIFUL AND GAVE ME A HUG AND IM STILL SHOOK LOL so even tho I don't have any pics with motha herself, it was a genuinely sweet moment that I'll always cherish~ 😭💖💖💖💖💖 #makeup #motd #queer #nonbinary https://www.instagram.com/p/BqVbQyZnEFH/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=18op8xjhur86l

…I almost killed myself

I put on my sunglasses, to hide my swollen eyes, over my tears. I cried all my makeup off. Went inside to have a milkshake. I don’t know why. I wanted something to drink as I figured out what I would do. I got a soda and a milkshake. Medium. The cashier looked at me and with a line around the corner of the counter he rushed away from the counter “Hold on “ he yelled to a coworker.

I filled my soda and went back and saw him looking all over. I go up and he gets close and says “I made it a large”.

That was seriously enough for me not to do it. His kindness. Someone went out of their way and as I went back in my car to cry I realized I could muster through a few other days. A few more weeks. Then I came down from that panicky high of anxiety, depression, and pain. I finished my shake. And it was enough time to let me feel better. I… I’m alive. I’ll make it through.

Try and be nice today. Tomorrow. Something as much as a smile. It helped so much.

Thank you man at McDonalds.

The milkshake saved my life

Can you imagine the heat?? Badass af

Some Photoshop Tips

I’ve been getting quite a few asks about the process for the patterns in my stylized artworks, so I decided to put together a couple of tips regarding them. 

Firstly, what you need are

—  CUSTOM BRUSHES  —

Most of the patterns I use are custom brushes I made, such as those:

For the longest time I was convinced making brushes must be super extra complicated. I was super extra wrong. All you need to start is a transparent canvas (2500px x 2500px max):

This will be your brush tip. When you’re satisfied how it looks, click Ctrl+A to select the whole canvas and go to ‘define brush preset’ under the edit menu

You will be asked to name your new glorious creation. Choose something that describes it well, so you can easily find it between all the ‘asfsfgdgd’ brushes you’ve created to be only used once

This is it. Look at it, you have just created a photoshop brush. First time i did I felt like I was cheated my whole life. IT’S SO EASY WHY HASN’T ANYONE TOLD ME 

Time to edit the Good Boi to be more random, so it can be used as a Cool Fancy Pattern. Go into brush settings and change whatever you’d like. Here’s a list of what I do for patterns:

- under Shape Dynamics, I increase Size Jitter and Angle jitter by 5%-15% 

- under Brush Tip Shape, I increase spacing by a shitload. Sometimes it’s like 150%, the point is to get the initial brush tip we painted to be visible.

- If I want it to look random and noisy, I enable the Dual Brush option, which acts like another brush was put on top of the one we’ve created. You can adjust all of the Dual Brush options (Size, Spacing, Scatter, Count) as you wish to get a very nice random brush to smear on your  backgrounds

The result is as above. You can follow the same steps to create whatever brush you need: evenly spaced dots that look like you painted them by hand, geometric pattern to fill the background, a line of perfectly drawn XDs and so on. 

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

—  PATHS  —

But what if you want to get lots of circles made of tiny dots? Or you need rows of triangles for your cool background? Photoshop can do all of that for you, thanks to the magic of paths.

Typically, paths window can be found right next to Layers:

Draw whatever path you want, the Shape Tool has quite a bit of options. Remember, paths are completely different from brush strokes and they won’t show up in the navigator. To move a path around, click A to enable path selection tool. You can use Ctrl+T to transform it, and if you move a path while pressing Alt it will be duplicated.

Now, pick a brush you wish really was in place of that path you’ve drawn and go to layers, then choose the layer you want it to be drawn on. Then, click this tiny circle under the Paths window:

Then witness the magic of photoshop doing the drawing for you while you wonder how tf have you managed to forget about this option for the past 2 years 

You can combine special brushes and paths for all sorts of cool effects. I mostly use them in backgrounds for my cards, but you can do whatever you want with them.

I hope that answers the questions for all of the people who were sending me inquires about the patterns. If you have any questions regarding this or any other Photoshop matter feel free to message me, I’m always up for complaining about how great and terrible Photoshop is C’: