4/apr/2024

i'm so lost and i'm so tired all the time. i feel like i hate all my friends. they're wonderful people. i don't think i know how to handle relationships that last more than like 3 years. i don't think i know how to act any other way than i do now. i pretend too much. i can't get out. i hate being with people and if i can't be liked i must at least be admired. just like me. james wilson once said to gregory house that he hates himself but admires himself too. i should sleep more. expectations i have for myself i rarely fall short of but when i do it hurts and i spiral. like now. i know it doesn't matter. and i believe it. and yet i feel. i am not scared of death, but i am scared of existence in death. i don't know if i'm broken or if love isn't real. i don't believe in god because i don't believe in excuses. i should stop making excuses for myself. i'm a fucking liar. i hate myself so much. the impossibly confident bitch with an inferiority complex. i hate being bad, and i hate being seen as good. it feels like i'm lying. and also that i don't deserve this. i don't think people know the true me. i think it's too late to open up to them now. i always trap myself in situations like these. for how much i hate false advertising this is kind of ironic. I HATE BEING SOMEONE IM NOT AND YET I HAVE TO BE ALL THE TIME. i can't just leave. i want to leave. i can't tell them. i should tell them. then there's also do nothing. make this worse. i have outgrown my persona yet again. fucking attention seeker. fucking performer for the eyes of fucking no one. what can i even do honestly other than leave. say something, obviously. but i can't. the people in my life are not in a place to hear that. and i don't want their pity or support or anger or response. i'm even afraid to write out the truth to myself. if i tell people, i don't know if i can take forgiveness. i have never forgiven myself. i don't know how to make mistakes or how to fail. i don't like people asking questions about me. that's basically me speak for i don't like lying more than i already do. i hate vulnerability. i need to be vulnerable. i don't even know what i'm protecting myself from. these feelings, maybe. maybe i'm just projecting all of my issues into everyone and this is just my problem. i have formed a wall and everyone respected it and now the wall has no fucking windows or doors. i don't want to exist. i'm afraid of the possibility of afterlife. i don't believe in fate because i don't believe in "it was going to happen anyway". i think i can fight that. yea. okay i think i might've sorted my head out. still gotta fix some things. but i think we're gonna be alright

28/feb/2024

im afraid that i drain the happiness out of everyone i meet like a fucking vampire. i'm afraid that i'll get bored and leave everything i love now to rot, lifeless and void. i'm scared of my feelings and i'm scared of what future me will do. i hate when the things i love lose their potency and i just have to live with the fact that i can't love anymore. i hate it when it's ripped from my hands, and i don't even have a say in it, and there's no one to blame but myself. and i hate it when the thing i love is people. because they don't deserve that. do i only love because i get something out of it? it's that what love is to other people, too? if it's not then isn't that horrible of me. i don't think love is real for me. why can't i create permanence? i want to continue to love tangible things. people, places and media and not just concepts. and i don't want to be alone, or void. sometimes i think i'm the void that i'm always talking about. embrace the void why don't you dan howell. lol. do i have too many unconscious defenses up?

to the pastor of the congregation

i hope my insincere prayers mean

everything to you so that

when you are trapped inside my cell that you built

you’ll vindicate your words to me

and sing a silly song

but you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong

i hope that when my feet touch

your side of the grass

i’ll hear a crunch just like your skull

against grey concrete walls so that

when we meet in the hell i’ve forged for the both of us

you’ll know you’ve always been wrong.

i don’t need you anymore

your mercy cannot touch me

i’m chasing the fire to burn this bridge down

i am happy in my flames of wrath

so just be happy in yours

and you were wrong

and you are wrong

you are wrong

i'm going to bury my best friends mom in a lake

i am stranded on an island,

watching a sinking ship

crash into wood

but you’re no wave

we share the cards and the stars

twin flames, but i can't save

you, don't go out yet

mother had a heavy hand

darling, oh, darling

the sirens cry because they know

gods are cruel, too

it runs in your blood

but your tears are honey, baby

oh, what a curse it is to be known

your soul is intertwined with mine,

aligned from the start

what would you give to go back?

what i would give to have you stay

in my head,

when we are older and

away from the chains of the city

washing up on shore,

grasp the sand and feel it leave

sunrise, and i’ll find you

and you’ll be alright

we’ll be alright

survive, alive again

some ghosts hope for life

and if they can i can, too

there is no appropriate response

to an inappropriate question

it's all they care about

and it's all you'll ever be

the days just get heavier

and i'm losing focus

on the right and wrong things

the waves wash over me like anxiety

and i'm losing myself again

minotaur mind

labyrinth heart

just tie it up and let it all go

fuck being meant to be

i am better than that

i am fucking better than that