I think this has been in my mind for too long now. I have to address this once and for all.

Am I ok with loosing friends as I grow old? Am I really?

and the answer is…

no.

but I think my definition of a FRIEND is not quite the usual (i think). I am friends with someone when I think about them constantly. These people I call friends, they’re in my plans. Whenever I want to eat somewhere nice, I send invites. I think about them. I think about them even when I’m thinking about my future; they’re a part of it. I think about them. For me, a friends is someone you could spend good, deep, and quality time with. I have friends like that. They’re the most precious thing to me. For me, a friend is someone who can put up with my bullshit. Who respects me despite our differences, or one who would confide in me despite knowing my darkness.

and I think, sa lahat ng definition ko, ito yung pinaka-flawed: For me, a friend is someone you can be accountable with even without proper/constant communication. I think i can see it na clearly ngayon.

and the most painful part it, it’s life and there’s nothing I could do to prevent it. People grow up. People change. People find new people and those who are from the past, they’re usually forgotten.

in my case, right now, I feel like I’m being reserved on the side. counted lang ako kapag wala nang choice, ganun. that hurts, I’m not gonna lie.

and what hurts the most is, most of the reason why I’m being tossed aside is from my own doing. I was never the best at communication. I usually find friends and confide to them whenever I need to. I’m only there for them when it’s convinient to me. I don’t even message them when I’m feeling like i wanna be alone. that’s why kapag nasa mood na ako to communicate, wala na silang motivation to do the same to me. kumbaga, this is my destiny.

Should I say sorry to these people? I don’t think I have to now that I think wala na kami sa ganung level anymore; yung may obligation pa ako to apologize for not being a good friend to them. I should just accept yung path I have with the people I cherished and try to be a better friend to someone new moving forward.

I like this poem

“And then one day someone walks into you life, a total stranger, and they become so important to you. And while you’ve known them such a short time, you feel you have loved them for a lifetime.”

my good days with them felt like a lifetime and I’m not ready to let go of them yet. They’re still precious to me.

Right now, I still like the concept of living on my own. It has been my motivation for a long time and I can finally achieve it now. There is no way in hell that I would sacrifice that just for the sake of maintaining my relationship with these people who doesn’t even love me the same way as I do.

now it feels like I just wanted to find myself and love myself a little better.

I don’t really love myself. I just wanna be on my own and enjoy my life for a moment. Good things will come for those who are true with the right attitude.

all I have to do now is actually building a character that is better at making friends.

To all my friends, I love you all. Hindi ko kayo makakalimutan lahat. lahat ng minahal ko.

It's my 11 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

to a piece of my mind!

A Little Rant

now that ive grown fond of this corporate life, i have realized and learned a few things in finding the right spot to a comfortable life in the office. these knowledge are inevitable and has become etched in my brain; something that is relentless and itches if not acted upon.

so here it is, some of my coworkers seem to not understand some things at work and it bothers me bc it affects my performance. I cannot move forward with these people slowing me down or at least keeping things at a slow pace.

i am well aware of these consequences that might come and i don’t want to be in the middle of it.

i am really trying to be better at my job but people are hopeless. it’s something that i cannot control that’s why i’m very frustrated.

I wish i could find a better way to communicate these frustrations and translate it into something helpful for the team.

the idiocy has to stop

Hello, you.

as much as I want to be happy that you’re getting married, i could still find myself sad about it.

I’m sure i’m already over with my feelings for you. it’s just that the fact that you were my whole world back then and the thought that we could’ve been together if i just pushed it further was quite the memory i can’t just get rid of.

it’s just funny how my life revolved around my “love” for you. you were the subject of my songs, you were the reason why i wanted to move forward with my life. and you are going to get married to someone you love.

i know you love me and i’m happy to be a friend. it’s just that i never thought that leaving these memories of my love for you would be this hard.

maybe because i was the happiest when i met you and i’m scared that i would not feel it again so i kept my memories of this love.

hopefully i would find the courage to say goodbye to what we could’ve been.

i have to move forward with new memories of you and with someone new.

I have to.

I wish i never met you tho. HAHA you made me weird

Ooh ok.. LIFE UPDATE (110123)

so.. in short, 2023 started a little traumatic. kind of a transition from hell to earth. Finally, i learned something related to my career and that led me to where I am today. I pushed myself on being an Art director and after that short transition, I enjoyed my life. 2023 has been a good year for me, I learned and enjoyed a lot. It was actually a little too fast to say the least. it wasn’t my intention to be in this position. i was just manifesting it by taking all the steps needed. never thought i would be in this position in just less than 2 years of working in the creative industry.

i am grateful and thankful for everything i experienced. because of this opportunity, i was able to confidently identify what I really want to pursue in my life. I WANT TO BE AN ART DIRECTOR. this is what i really want.

right now in the office, things are a little awkward and confusing since everyone is planning for 2024, our company is going to be merged with another company, ngl, it was kinda chaotic. but the good thing about this is that i was able to understand the business aspect of this profession and i was able to help my supervisors come up with a plan/system for the company. so in a way, it was fun for me since this is what I really want to do.

right now, I have this feeling that my bosses still see me as a designer. i still am but with my position in the company, i’m not suppose to design anymore. somehow, it just shows how little they value this part of their business or just how uneducated they are in terms of what i really do as an Art director.

should i tell em about my position?

regardless of their understanding about my position, I still don’t have any choice but to stay for more years to build my career as an Art director. I just need to manage my time so i would get clients outside of my company.

i think i need these things next year

A freaking mentor

A brand identity for my freelancing

A freaking business

The freaking diploma

Here's to celebrate 1 YEAR after being in hell

Yo, self! Congratulations on moving on with your life from the hell that is the Bueno Foundation featuring the literal spawn of Satan, that bald bitch that you couldn't even remember the name (it's Marvin ew that name sucks ass) what have you learned so far after that incident that made you think that you finally moved on?

I became more confident with my profession

I got better at my profession tbh

I became some sort of calm and collected at work

I'm complaining less now

I became more quiet at work HAHA

I'm now better at arranging my thoughts

I am now more capable of handling work than before

I can now avoid work that is not in my scope

I learned that I can never find a job that's good for me. I can just be the better person at any given situation

Now i can confidently say that my accomplishments are my own and that should be proud of it.

that path led me to all sorts of emotions and upbringing in life. One thing for sure made sense: I am on my own and have to lead myself to a better life. I should never trust anyone about my well-being because, in the end, it's me who decides whether to be better or worse. My boss complimented my work? that's not going to motivate me to live. sure, I will be very grateful but to owe that success to him? nah. I was complimented because I did great (damn, that's so mayabang of me haha! please, tread carefully, Mark!) My boss/clients didn't like my work? That's not going to change how I think about my skills as an artist. I will take it to my heart and try to improve, but that won't make me feel awful about myself.

my ability to work heavily relied upon what others thought of me. Now I can say that I am my own person now. I know I'll still fail. I will fall down but unlike before, I can control what I think and make something useful out of it. This is the last time I will say that I am grateful for all the hardships I've been thru for the past 3 years. It has been a pain in ass and I'm over it now. Now it's my time to prove to myself that I can be the person I always wanted to become.

2023 is my year and no one's gonna stop me!

It's my 10 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

I made the wrong choice.

Yup. I made a wrong choice in life YET AGAIN. Why am I always have to deal with these kinds of things in my life? I mean sobrang evident yun from my toxic relationship with my home church and with how I turned out in FEBIAS. Why am I always in this kind of situation wherein lagi nalang akong nasa maling part ng mga bagay-bagay?

One thing I really learned from my horrible experience with these people is that money, friendship, and vanity cannot make you a better person. IT WILL NEVER TURN INTO A GOOD PERSON.

I know yang realization na yan is like so basic and should have been learned noon pa pero I do believe na hindi yun madaling ma-recognize until nararanasan mo na yun in real life.

I was so naive and desperate. I should’ve known from the beginning that working in this foundation will get me nowhere; that things would get worse. I never listened to the obvious red flags.

I was so desperate in finding a job back in 2020 so I didn’t think things through about sa papasukan kong kompanya. Nung interview palang I should’ve known. I was interviewed in a van at the back of a condominium. Obvious na may mali dun kaso I still went through it thinking na sa wakas may tumanggap sakin. I was so happy because may progress na at last yung decision ko to pursue being a graphic artist. I was blinded by the thought of making money. And the fact that we were told that we should be grateful bc may tumanggap samin is such an obvious red flag. My ever entitled boss told us na wala na kaming makukuhang trabaho like he’s offering and we listened to him. I listened to his opportunistic shit bc I looked up to him; a “millionaire bachelor” na pinoy at maraming kompanyang hinahawakan. I was so enticed by his wealth that I decided to move forward with his offer.

The thing is first day ko palang e I should’ve known na mali na ang mag-stay bc the shitty boss was shouting terrible things to his employee over the phone. He was abusing people verbally just bc of certain issues na pure speculations lang nya. Dapat hindi na ako tumuloy dun palang.

Now I realized I can get a job just as easy. Iba lang talaga yung situation noon dahil kasagsagan ng pandemic non. After he mesmerized us with his wealth and shit we felt dependent to him. I idolized him and treated him like a mentor who could get me to success. Oh, boy was I wrong. He’s just full of crap. Isa lang syang alila sa mga banyaga like a typical Filipino. Binaba ko yung sarili ko thinking na wala pa akong maipagmamalaki. But I was already competent and experienced even before pa ako ma-employ as their multimedia artist. I was already at my peak skill-wise and I still chose to believe I’m no one. Nag-pauto ako. I was so stupid.

Friendship is such a horrible thing with the wrong people. I was happy na may mga tropa ako na nakakakulitan ko; mga tao wherein I can be myself ng walang limit. I was happy. But then after ng mga pagbaback-stab nila sakin, pagiging silent when I needed them the most. Yung kung sino pa yung inaasahan mong tutulong sa iyo, sila pa yung wala ginawa when you are being accused of something without proper evidence. These people never stood up for me. Instead, they hid their tails in front of their boss, takot na mawalan sila ng trabaho and get some lashing. In the end we were controlled by the fear of being jobless na hahamakin na namin ang lahat para lang masustain yung mga trabaho nila. Di ko sila masisi. Sadyang evil lang talaga yung boss namin. They helped me sa ibang stuff pero sa mga vital stuff? Wala.

I stayed sa foundation bc I thought being with friends would get me through the day. I was terribly wrong. They’re nothing but a good time only. Walang ambag sa ikabubuti ng mental health ko, walang ambag sa buhay ko. Puro panandaliang saya lang. Di ko ikakaila na I had fun working in the foundation. We had so much fun together. We had a fun relationship with each other. We were personal with each other. Super personal na di namin narealize na mali sa isang corporation ang bringing personal matters at work. We knew yung mga baho ng isa’t-isa. They knew who I am and they used it to their advantage. To make false accusations of me. They even decided on my sexuality by themselves. They loved me sabi nila. I was a fool to believe them. Na-attach ako sa egotistical, social climber, entitled, playing safe, and balimbing. Sa kanila ba ang sisi? No. Wala na akong pakeelam sa pagkatao nila. Ganun sila e so bakit ko ibabaling yung misery ko sa kanila? Ang sisi ay sakin because nagpa-uto ako. Naging sobrang attached ako sa kanila. Naging too friendly ako; masyado kong pinakita yung sarili ko sa kanila. Now they’re nowhere to be found. Di narin sila nakikipag-usap sa isa’t-isa. Yung isa sinaktan na’t lahat bumalik parin sa foundation. Yung isa kibit-balikat lang. Yung isa tuod parin. Alam mong driven lang din talaga sila ng pera. I want to be different sa kanila. Tbh they’re all shitty. I kinda regret being friends with them. Don’t care if they didn’t think of me as a friend. They were a friend to me. I was so naive.

And I just wanna talk shit about my egotistic, narcissistic, know-it-all, manipulative, and crazy boss. His way of life is so deceptive. Muka lang good and for the better pero for his good lang pala. He’s full of lies even sa mga aso nya. Even dun nagsisinungaling sya para lang ma-flex nya yung “yaman” nya. I can’t talk about him for so long bc I’m still traumatized by his abuse towards me, his employees, and his family. He is full of pride lang na yung yaman ng ibang tao kunyari sa kanya. I’m a fool for believing in him and looking up to him. True, I learned new stuff from him pero to what extent? Tbh he acted like a god, giving promises, sharing his affection, being generous. I was happy that he was like that sa amin. Pero yun nga. He was like that because he thinks he owns us and deserves to be awed and praised. He was playing god. As a religious guy, I thought this guy is godly. God, was I wrong. He’s just full of shit.

But from all of those terrible things I am now stronger and better. Ngayon di na ako papayag na minamaliit lang yung trabaho as if anyone can do it. Now mas kaya ko na to stand-up for myself but never showing what I truly am. FEBIAS taught me to not give a shit about what people say about me pero this god-forsaken foundation taught me that this world doesn’t deserve my truthfulness. That sounds egotistical pero I have to convince myself that I am enough bc if not then di ako makaka-move on from the trauma i experienced from them.

I am enough and I can strive for success with the help of the right people. I am no longer enticed with wealth and influential people. Instead I am now more observant and conscious with my actions and limitations. I can say I was a better person because of these people.

But to think na other people can learn about these things without having to go through horrific situation seems a little unfair to me. The question still remains. Why am I always affiliated with terrible people? How can I remove myself from experiencing these things again? How can I move on from this life of being with evil people?

One thing I do know is everyone is evil. Even I am evil. Now i do know that my God can only give me the right influence and experience. Not religion, not friends, not my own realizations but God. He the only way, the truth, and the life.

Now I just need to completely remove these people out of my life and start anew with a whole new perspective to things. I must know my limits. I must have the courage to stand up for myself. I have to take care of my real friends. I have to give more importance to self-appreciation.

I am enough and God is in-control.

Ok. This is to address my issues in life. Thank you, 2022 for starting off this way

Re: Church

I’m tired, sad, and disgusted by all of it.

Well, the issue has already passed; my mother decided to leave the church, for the rest of the family, wala kaming intention to leave but we’re getting the vibe na hindi magiging healthy yung samahan namin with the people involved if we stay without actually discussing yung issue nila kay mama. I for one should take the blame because I didn’t do anything given the fact na part pa ako ng BODET noon. I wasn’t able to attend to their meetings din naman at first dahil medyo napapagod narin ako sa redundancy at lack of innovation ng church leaders bago ko pa nalaman yung issue. In the first place, wala din naman sinasabi sakin yung nanay ko kaya wala rin akong alam. Pero in the end, problem pa din yung part na wala akong ginawa kahit man lang to know kung ano ang nangyayari. I feel bad for that pero at the same time, masaya din ako bc i got to see kung pano kumilos ang leadership sa heat ng mga ganitong situation. Almost all of them are dodging the issue like it’s none of their business. Gets na naman kung ano ang problema dun. Especially the pastor. It’s as if he’s hiding under the whole leadership and waiting for someone to make a point bago pa sya magsalita. That is kinda passive for a pastor. And being biased instead of being the bridge to both parties… Anyway, I don’t get disappointed at them anymore bc I can forgive; we are all humans sa huli. Pero that moment when I saw him on that situation. Nagbago ang pagtingin ko sa kanya. It wasn’t a good impression. Forgetting is not a easy thing to do.

For my ministry, di naman ako natatakot na madisband kami or magkaroon ng lamat sa isa’t-isa. Natatakot ako na mawala na ang lahat because of the lack of innovation and change of system. The people in the ministry are getting older and nagiiba ang kanilang mga priority in life. It’s just a matter of time before sila magdecide to leave for good bc we all know that people have needs and in the way yung mga bagay na wala namang benefit sa kanila financially. Most of the people sa simbahan ay hindi mayaman. Mga borderline middle class people and hindi practical to be a volunteer sa church habang gutom o nangangailangan ang pamilya mo. Medj ironic yun. Anyway, imma try to stick out hanggang sa masabi ko ke pastor kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa church and then dun lang natin malalaman kung ano ang future.

Pero hindi big deal sakin if I leave the church. Walang regrets. I can say na hindi nakasalalay sa simbahan yung samahan na nabuo doon. Mahal ko yung music team and will forever cherish my memories with them. We just have to accept that this happened and this is life. My mom is kinda toxic she kinda deserved it. My family is too attached to the church na naging toxic narin yun para sa amin.

I am getting older and tired, I’m not as dumb as my parents for working full time sa church for free. Yung culture of serving the Lord despite of personal issues and lacking as a family ends here. We’ll serve the Lord with all that we have; not with what is left in us.

Re: Family

I have this unnecessary mindset with my family that i guess nagiging way din sa akin to grew weary about my life. In short, ang arte ko sa pamilya ko. So like for the first time in my life, I realized that being with my family were not so bad after all. Maybe dahil di na kami nag-aaway ngayon di katulad dati. Although nandun parin yung mga nakaka-inis na bagay na kinakamuhian ko dati, right now hindi na sya masyadong bothersome for me. I believe dahil din yun sa nasanay nalang talaga ako sa ugali nila and nagkaroon na ako ng tolerance ng todo. I can say na ok lang sakin na mag-stay sa bahay as long as I want. I think this is good because I can now choose to move out without the reason na ayoko kasama mabuhay ang pamilya ko. And back to my first thought. I really ako talaga yung gumawa nalang ng reason para hindi maging ok sa pamilya ko. I was basically too mad and ashamed of myself and them na nagkaroon na ako ng reason to be aloof sa kanila.

Now I’m all for building a good life for my family especially my parents. I’ve come to accept my fate, na pasan ko yung failure ng mga magulang ko with their financial capabilities and care for them until they die. As much as I want to spend my life for myself; I have poor parents to attend to. I know it sounds like an obligation without love nalang pero I just think we’re way past that road na; na we’re still thinking about how we love each other. I love them but I don’t really know them to say na close ako sa kanila and comfortable enough to show affection to them. In the end they raised me this way so I guess it’s on them as well haha. Basta we’re ok with each other and wala na akong hihilingin pa. I love them enough to provide what I can for them.

If ever na ma-stuck ako sa bahay for another 5 years walang problema. I’m getting used to their bullshit. I’m okay now.

This has something to do with WERK haha

Yes naman! after a long time, I'm finally able to post an entry haha! (nagkataon kasi na maaga ako sa office at tinatamad ako maglinis hahaha) Anyway, this is about my conflicting mind about work and life decisions in general. someone finally employed me despite of my credentials after 3 months of looking for a job. I never really thought na matatanggap kasi nung mga time na yun andame nang calls pero wala nang kasunod and there were a lot of emails as well pero just to notify me about the closure of the position I'm applying. I was so frustrated at that time kasi buong 2020 wala akong trabaho, freelance na di na natulungan pamilya ko. Pero buti nalang may tumanggap sakin The company I'm in is a pioneering company, ibig sabihin wala pang maayos na sistema na sinusunod, everything has to start with the employees like me, as a graphic artist, I can do whatever I want bc wala namang nasusupervise sa mga gawa ko. I mean, walang co-artist akong sinusunod. I'm my own boss kung baga. But I'm not gonna elaborate yung mga nangyayari sa company ko, blahblah coz every company has its perks and negative sides like crappy co-workers, issues between the boss and the employee, artists not being able to think for themselves; these are all a part of a normal company. Pero these things are the very reasons why I kinda wanna quit my job. But this is the catch: I am so determined to stay in a company for more than 6 months.

I am not really into "taking care of my mental health" anymore since I've thinking about that all my life and all it ever brought to me is stress, unnecessary apathy towards my peers, and hate towards the system of this world which is so problematic in all angles. I can't confide in my own worldview when I'm poor and has a family to help. so I'm so over self-care and into working my ass off just to learn how to work harder than ever. I wanna experience being able to work at the same company for a year or more. Now, ever since I got into a misunderstanding with my boss, I've been calling my friends if they are hiring graphic artists and actually, meron naman. I got two job opportunities. pero dun na nagsimulang magreklamo sakin yung utak ko. It's like my mind is telling me na "I'm quitting just bc of a little misunderstanding?" I really pondered on that din hanggang sa we got to clarify things with my boss, it turns out na i was the one who's putting a lot of pressure to myself, my boss never really wanted what I expected. somehow, it made me realize na di lang talaga ako sanay na mina-mandohan ng isang tao na may alam sa arts (coz most of my boss before are dumb at art or they don't really know what they want so I'm forced to decide on my own) so yun, the entire time, i was just hard on myself. Then dun ko narealize na wala naman talaga akong dapat problemahin sa trabaho ko, narealize ko na tinatamad lang talaga ako gawin yung pinapagawa sakin and in the first place, wala naman din talaga akong right na magreklamo dahil pinilit ko lang naman yung sarili sa career path na 'to. All i have to do is to work and try new things. dun ko narealize na wala naman din akong reason to quit dahil alam ko na same din naman na stress yung aabutin ko kahit saan pang company ako mapunta if don't get the job done at kung ang iniisip ko lang at yung gusto ko.

But then, with all these job opportunities na binigay sakin, I'm left to think about practicality nalang. may nag-offer sakin ng same na sweldo pero this time, sobrang lapit lang sa bahay ko plus WFH. sobrang ganda nun for me and yung isa naman i get to really minister with the same amount of sweldo. my work right now is in Pasay, medyo malayo nga. Pero the thing about my work right now is I get to be on my own (yung wala ako sa bahay at nai-stress ako) and that's a good thing for me. I really want to be able to work without thinking about the stresses sa bahay. and the fact na well provided ako dito kasi meron akong magandang laptop na ginagamit unlike pag sa iba, kelangan ko pang maki-hati sa mga kapatid ko sa computer sa bahay. I have to buy my own laptop din to work for them. Pero yun nga, I get to work less there pero same lang yung binabayad sakin at may mga benefits pa unlike sa work ko ngayon, di ko pa malalaman kung kelan kami magkaka-benefits. somehow, I think na mas better dun sa malapit lang sa bahay pero at the same time, I get to learn new things here and di ko lang sure kung magiging ganun ako dun. I'm not sure. pero one thing I know is I won't accept a job offer kung walang government benefits. di ako mayaman at privileged para hindi mag-start mag-invest sa mga iyun. I need to be wise here. It's kinda obvious kung anung job offer yung much better pero I'm still sticking out here maybe until July just to test the waters.

My Becoming and Regrets

Hi, I think my life as a church boy is toxic and I never thought of that ever since.

What I mean about "church boy" is I am unnecessarily committed to minister in the church. That simple. but why is it toxic all of a sudden you might ask? well, that is bc I thought why am I getting all pumped up every time there is something to do or think about in the Church when they're the only one who gets the better benefit?

That sounds like it's a job, bruh. no. it's not a job. it's a voluntary service and that is the problem I think. although they give me like 2k a month, I still think I'm investing time and effort in there like I'm working full time. that's not cool. why?

I wanted to work full time pero di ata gusto ng pastor ko so I thought "ok what am I going to do now? how can I repay my debts/utang na loob?" I think that's the only way, to serve full time. but things changed when they actually never mentioned my scholarship after my graduation. I think it doesn't really matter to them cuz my pastor doesn't want me to work full-time. I'm quiet disappointed about that to be honest but I'm not mad about it bc at the same time, I get to do whatever I want with my career.

I never thought of it. every time I do something for the Church, my mind will straight away think of it as a service for God and God alone. but recently, ever since I returned to school in 2017, parang nagiging habit nalang yung mga suppose to be a sincere service ko for the Lord. what I mean about that is wala na yung thinking na "i gotta do this for the Lord". Parang i'm serving the ministry dahil I'm used to it already and there is nothing left to do din naman in the first place; parang ganun nalang. That's sad actually and hindi ako proud dun. My focus should be Christ, not really on what to do in the Church. I think I'm in the right here. maybe this is the reason why. I really want to know Christ more than to be relatable sa mga tao through the church.

do I really need to exert more effort in serving in the Church? important ba yun? Do they even see it? yung mga effort ko?

I think nasa point na ako ng buhay where I'm wanting more. but I can't dahil wala ako sa lugar.

Maybe mag focus nalang ako in learning about God, my career and family. le-lessen ko na siguro yung mga commitments ko sa church. feeling ko, dahil they only give me frustrations and stress na ako rin naman ang nagdadala sa sarili ko. It is unfair to blame the church for my miserable life but I think it kinda does. all my life, I have been taught to serve Christ no matter what. I think yun yung problema. life never taught me na I can serve Christ not only in the church. now I feel lost kapag di na church ang nasa isip ko. that kinda sucks.

I should rethink my actions more. I should be balanced. no more unnecessary work. focus on what matters, dude. focus on your career for now. you are too poor to do voluntary service. you are too poor to serve 100%. That is life. I'm sorry. may you find success dude.

Suddenly, a grand old realization

Yah, so this "grand realization" may be a familiar one. bc I was suppose to act on it the first time I thought of it which was a lifetime ago. That realization is my desired interests in life can no longer give me security in life. This may sound very sad but i guess this is just life. I just have to somehow, work around it and eventually find a way to get used to it so it won't be a burden.

Actually ngayon ay naghahanap parin ako ng work na gusto ko and as of now (022621) wala parin nagrerespond sa kanila; i mean yung tipong tatawag nalang sila for interview. And medyo naiinip narin ako bc since pandemic I was really looking forward to go back to work and hanggang ngayon stuck parin ako sa bahay. I wanna go back to work so bad.

Anyway, back to the realization. I now want to work no matter what my job is as long as it can provide the needs of my family. If everything goes well and I managed to provide everything my family needs then I will do whatever I want. right now, my priority is to work for my family.

These are the things that I would like to provide for my family:

1. Monthly Food

2. 3-story house

3. Savings for health emergencies

After this then I will pursue my long-due aspiration: to be able to live by myself.

Yun lang actually yung realization ko. I've been thinking about it for a long time now pero ngayon ko lang fully nacomprehend yung sakop nya in terms of application. I know it'll take long for the goal to come true. there will be pressure, heartaches, burden but now, I'm decided that thinking about what makes me happy is irrelevant at the moment given the fact that I am poor af and not as smart as anybody. I don't think looking for a career that would suffice my need to be happy will make me happy financially at the moment. My life has already been delayed and I gotta accept and do something about that. I have to accept that I would be stuck in this life I never wanted for years to come until I can finally say with confidences that I fulfilled my duty as a member of this family. I have to do something about it by not being picky and emotional to things that should only require hard-work and perseverance.

I should always remember that this will take a long time. A LONG TIME.

Konting tiis pa, Mark! konti pa!

Now that I got this. What am i going to do now?

Ok. I know what i wanna do but just couldn't help but to worry about how to raise a family and put my Independence to freedom. I don't have money!

Ok. I know this just the pressure from the world. I know i sorry my family but i just have to accept that i need to prepare first. This profession i choose won't just let me be successful unless i work hard and be a matter at it. I need to prepare. I need time. I need space. I need inspiration. I need influence.

I don't need questions like "when are you gonna have a job?" "Whatchu doin now?" Or anything alike. I know it will still be hearing these stuff so i should just ignore them, satisfy their need to belittle and undermine. Keep that frustration so when u finally earned a lot and get successful, u get to look them in the eye with confidence and rich vibe hahaha

Ok. You know what u are going to do.

Go, Mark!

Life Update 051620

sa sobrang bored na bored na ako sa quarantine na ‘to i decided to bring back this segment on this blog. maybe I’m feeling sentimental again. i don’t know. anyway, here we go. 2017 I decided to go back to school to achieve a diploma and be able to work properly although that I was actually working properly that same year. I don’t know what came into my mind that I thought it was a good idea. I know It wasn’t but it was the right thing to do. so somehow, that decision turned out pretty well despite of desire to stay away from my school. the decision of continuing my studies led people to be apathetic towards my life decision and di ko naman sila masisisi coz for so many years I’ve been looking on the wrong direction. tsaka wala naman talaga silang right to say anything about my life so cool lang ako dun. no issue. so yun, 3 years have passed since I came up with that decision. 2020 is not a good year kahit na May palang. so this year is my graduation year, too bad di magiging normal ang graduation dahil nga sa virus. it’s kinda my prayer noon. haha! I actually prayed to God that people would not take my graduation too serious and that my last sem would be so much easy. nagkatotoo lahat! from march until now walang pasok at wala nang recital na nakaka-stress dahil sa audition. honestly, everything that has happened was frustrating and disappointing but somehow it’s kinda relieving. 

so technically, graduate na ako dahil wala na akong subject na aasikasuhin, wala naring requirements na kailangan habulin (meron pa pero sobrang dali nalang nun) so mas malapit na ako sa future na gusto kong tahakin. mas real na yung goal ko to live on my own. I already have my plan and I think it will suffice until I crave for more.  what happened for the last 10 years of being me? 2012 I decided to serve God more by being more knowledgable to Him. so that goal was my inspiration until 2017, when my church decided that they don’t trust me. that was when I had to serve other church because of my recital. of course walang “di kami tiwala sayo” na dialogue. I just can feel it by their look and action when I’m around. that year naging mas assertive na ako sa BODET, meaning pinaglalaban ko na ang mga prinsipyo ko sa buhay for the ministry that I lead. that kinda held me under the impression na I act like my mother which I hate so much. people started to get quiet pag nagsasalita na ako dahil siguro sa takot na hindi maging valid yung mga banat nila sakin dahil kayang kaya ko sila sagutin ng deretso. I’ve done that so many times. some people respected me for that pero some people found me arrogant for my age. yah so anyway, that was 2017 everything already changed since I actually moved to other church for my school requirements. 

so yun, people in Taguig started to lose their trust in me (yung leaders to be precise) and that hurt me a lot kasi I’ve been loyal to the church all my life and i actually left my dream to become a professional artist just to serve the music ministry well. right now nahahalata ko na na aloof na ako sa kanila. of course di ko naman pwede isisi lahat sa kawalan nila ng tiwala sakin, syempre nandito yung factor na di nila ako nakikita for almost 2 years so tingin ko natural lang sa kanila to feel that way. so ok lang ako dun. malungkot lang kasi despite ng hirap ko makipag-communicate sa kanila and serve 2 churches at the same time e ganun parin yung feeling nila sakin. that was kinda ok and disappointing at the same time.

As I said earlier, may plan na ako after graduation pero I think may mga bagay akong dapat i-observe 1. I would return to Taguig with a lot of issues to discuss to them na magkakaroon ng misunderstanding that lead me to leave for good. that means sira na yung plan ko haha

2. people would treat me in a different manner. i don’t know. basta I think they will kinda resist me. these are all just assumptions btw.

3. I will be a serial killer

pero wala sanang mangyaring kakaiba ano. ayoko na ng drama.

042120 - I DELETED MY PERSONAL ACCOUNT ON TWITTER. Kinda sad but I think it's the right thing to do.

Project: Tanggal Narcissistic Social Media Presence

Ok so after the end of my contract sa previous job ko last December and knowing na graduating na ako, I thought I'd change my social media presence to focus on my skills. Nag start sya nung January, hindi sya madaling gawin so I decided na gumawa ng art accounts maliban sa insta. Somehow nakatulong yung mga acc for me to focus on improving my skills.

Little by little nagiging komportable na ako na hindi maging narcissistic sa social media. Unti-unti nang nauubos yung desire ko to share everything sa social media. Exception tong Tumblr. Haha dito lang ako magshe-share ng buhay ko haha

Ok. So U P D A T E !

January - April 16, 2020 :

nagsimula na akong magdecline sa messenger. That means di na ako pala-chat.

I started to take a little distance sa mga friends ko kasi most of them doesn't understand yung passion ko so before ako ma-distract sa kanila e sinimulan ko na lumayo ng slight.

Puro memes nalang ang pino-post ko sa FB which is nice.

I started muting people especially yung mga churchmates ko kasi as a leader di ko gusto yung attitude nila sa social media. This led me to gain more reason to quit my egotistic presence. I want to be a good influence sa mga nasasakupan ko.

I followed more artists and somehow became relevant sa mundo ng sining.

I started to decline sa pagpopost ng personal stuff sa twitter which helped me focus sa rehearsals ko for my recital. Hindi completely pero nagiging less na.

Nagboom ang art acc ko sa twitter which led me to be closer sa community ng mga local artists.

Finally nakita ko na yung improvement ko sa arts and music. Nakatulong talaga yung mga pagdistansya kase di talaga ako magaling sa multitasking. Yung utak ko masyadong mono para magcare sa ibang bagay. I think it was a good decision. Nabuild din yung sense na kaya kong maging masaya kahit walang bondings and trips with friends. Somehow bumalik ako sa goal ko nung 2017; focus on improving before getting hyped-up about building relationships.

Nafi-feel ko na malapit na yung araw na idedelete ko yung mga personal acc ko.

More updates to come!

6 AM THOUGHTS

I just thought I'm getting tired of having friends who make a big deal out of their own low self-esteem and insecurities. I mean I could tolerate that, I still have insecurities myself and sometimes I pity myself but I am confident that I am a confident person; but man, it's just so depressing to handle such characters. I wanna feel happy all the time alright.

You know what, I'm just being rude to them right now. I love them but they are getting unbearable for me. Ugh I'm such an ass.

Damn it, I'll be honest. I'd rather be alone than to hang out with sad people. I'm already sad and I can't even handle it. What more if I allow people to add more sadness with me? I don't need empathy. I need peace and a little bit of inspiration. I don't get inspiration from them. They are a burden. A subject to show the Christ in me, yes and it's a freaking burden.

I think I'm too old to be friends with these kinds of people already haha! They dwell too much on their emotions and right now what's on my mind is building a house for my family and getting good at my job and ministry. Damn emotions. They don't get you to success. I need money not validation hahahahahahahahha

Ironic little ass, Ginald.

Inner me: what will happen if you get sad yourself?

Damn it, I will tell my friends I am sad. What is your point???

Inner me: do you think you wouldn't be a burden to them just as you are with their sadness?

Fine! I'll persevere. 😒

Freaking social construct. I hate it.