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bonbunbon · 6 years

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d-4: the friendship inadvertently ends

my dearest,

i had made a friend in the late november of 2017, and we have been nothing but close. they always said that guys and girls can’t be friends, but i think this was definitely not the case with our friendship. i confidently can say that he is was one of my closest friends that i had in a while.

today, he called me at 9:56pm but i was so surprised, i accidentally declined the call and so i called him back. we spoke for a good hour and perhaps nearing an hour and fifteen minutes. what he did today, i guess i should call it, a dick move.

little did i know, this was going to be the last time we were going to talk over the phone. and so, i was sad over someone who had hurt me and he was comforting me and vice versa. when our friendship first started, we called for hours on end, getting to know each other. we would also fall asleep to each other on the phone until he told me about the girl he was interested in. i was so taken aback, i felt horrible for doing that with my friend without even knowing that there was a girl out there that liked him. i felt so terrible for being unfair to her and so i began to withdraw myself from him.

when he told me he missed me or missed hearing my voice, i would avoid it. my clingy self, who would throw tantrums or feel the overwhelming sense of anxiety, when he would end the call, i stopped doing that. he even called me out on it, asking me why i wasn’t telling him to stay on the phone with me, knowing how anxious i got. i just brushed it off and told him, i just grew up.

he asked me to stay on the phone with him until he fell asleep, and i refused. he, in return, got angry at me and i asked him about it. he finally told me that today was going to be the last time he ever will call me again because he was going to get serious with the girl he was interested in. to be completely honest, that really hurt and caught me off guard because the least he could do was to inform me beforehand, not get angry at me for being considerate and then dropping the bomb on me, expecting me to be okay with it.

however, i am a bitch, so i pretended nothing is wrong. i told him that i am happy for him, and he was desperately trying to cling onto what our friendship had and he was sad about it. i told him not to be, and that he should be happy for finally getting the girl.

i find it so funny how i told myself that i would always be the person who would be 100 with everyone, always telling them the truth or how i felt. i am one huge liar though. i notoriously lie through my gritted teeth and fake laughs and smiles. i can’t believe i am actually like this and i am disappointed in myself.

even though i would never go to him directly to tell him about my problems, anxieties and worries, he was there for me in his own way and i am appreciative of that.

it all feels like a lie however though. he said he would always be there for me, that he will always take time to see how i’m doing and he drops a bombshell on me, saying he won’t talk to me as often and not call me anymore.

i realize terribly how selfish i sound, but at the moment i am hurt, confused but happy for him. i am anxious, and i want to cry but i will not. i feel like the sole person who i could trust and lean on has been ripped away from me and i can’t describe how emotional and upset it makes me. i am so selfish. i am a liar and i am a hypocrite. i am not okay now. i am a muddled ball of anxiety about to have a panic attack, but i will be okay later on.

i will come to the realization that although that person was an incredibly kind person and amazing friend, they have their own life and i am not the sole person in their world. i will come to the realization sooner or later that i will be okay and that i will meet new people who will care for me and not leave me.

i will come to the realization that if i want to move forward, i need to start trusting again and not have my walls up too high. this is just a bunch of jumbled mess that was muddled in my mind. it does not make much sense, nor does it have a meaning behind it. i just needed to get this off my chest before i am faced with the crippling anxiety.

i will be okay. it’s not the end of the world. it hurts now, but it will heal slowly.

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bonbunbon · 6 years

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d-3: athazagoraphobia

my dearest,

it’s currently 10:21PM and i’m listening to a youtube video of emotional music which has really made me realise how anxious i am. my heart is beating slightly faster than usual and for some reason, my hands are trembling uncontrollably. they are trembling as i type.

i’ve turned down my recommendation to see a therapist thinking i was getting better. but i really haven’t. i realise that now, but even a phone call to the organisation lathers a tremendous amount of anxiety onto me. thus, i have not made the phone call yet to book an appointment. another reason for it is because i have told my parents i am getting better. and i can’t let them down.

another person has entered my life, and it has been more than a month or so since i have started talking to him. he is luka. he’s scared me since the first conversation and it was because he seemed to care so much. he and i, are quite different in some aspects. he is open about his life and can talk about whatever whereas i, have a severe issue with trust and found myself having with immense difficulty being honest with him about me. that led to many arguments and anger. he, was angry at me for lying, and that (liars) were what he hated the most.

i (having bad anger management) began to let the frustration boil over and told him to leave me then, to stop talking to me if he hated liars so much. i think he could hear the shakiness of my voice. now, this is all over the phone, so he wouldn’t have been able to see me, but for some reason, he always knew how i was doing or feeling. and it terrified me.

rejection is all i’m used to and being used was all i knew and know. i don’t know how to deal with anything but. and here he was, being as positive as someone could be, telling me he would not leave me. we were silent, none of us knew what to say (well, he didn’t know what to say while i, on the other hand, was silent not wanting to talk) and after a pregnant pause, he sighed deeply and told me he needed to calm down and that he’ll talk to me tomorrow.

i shrugged (not that he could see it, hurt and silent) and murmured an, “mm.”

he then said, “but i’m worried if i leave, you’re going to do something stupid.”

and by stupid, he was referring to my self harm. and by then, tears had occupied all the space my eyes could allow and began freeing themselves. i bit my lip and cried silently. he called my name, and i replied, “yeah?”

i didn’t sound like i was crying. it was a talent i had developed whenever people unknowingly or knowingly had caught me in a distressed state.

“promise me you won’t do anything stupid,” he demanded firmly.

he hated liars, so i was honest. “i can’t promise that and you know it.”

it was a promise that i had made many times and broken in the past. i was tired of promises. i think i can say, i hate them too.

he began to get frustrated with me, “why not? you’re going to do it aren’t you?”

“i’ve broken that fucking promise so many times before, luka. i’m not promising bullshit to you.” i spat out through my silent crying.

“i’m not leaving you,” and that one statement set me off.

i burst out crying loudly, breaking free from the silence and wailed, “you said you needed to go, so leave!”

“no, i’m not going anymore, i’m okay, i’m not angry anymore, bonnie please,” he chanted, insisting that he wasn’t going nowhere. i was getting more and more irritated, now that he was not leaving. my heart sank at the same time, realising that he was angry at me.

i kept saying, “no, you need to leave. you need to calm down.”

the irony was, that i needed to calm down. and as dramatic as it sounds, i thought our relationship was crumbling apart. i had never had a serious fight with close friends before, and my insecurity was at an all time high and i thought everything was over.

by then, i was ready to end the call and i was pacing around. i don’t even remember what we were arguing about but then it reached to a point where i really couldn’t handle it anymore. i just hung up. and he called, frantic and crying.

that was only the beginning of our fights in this friendship. little did i know, it was going to get much worse.

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bonbunbon · 6 years

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d-2: the state of distress

today, i awoke to my mum’s bloodcurdling scream and my dad’s frantic footsteps and questioning loudly what was wrong.

i jolted in shock, as my dad bursts into my room and hurries me to get changed and that sora (my three-year-old labrador) was injured.

the panic arises almost instantly and i began shaking like a leaf that was vulnerable in the harsh wind. i ran to the bathroom and quickly took out my ortho k’s then rushed back to my room and chucked on a bra and t-shirt and shorts. i dashed out and saw my mum cradling the big pudgy black lab lying on the ground whimpering.

as i turned the corner, sora sees me and lifts his heavy body off of the ground. almost instantly, i saw the deep gash-like hole in his lower back and my heart dropped. at that moment, i felt my throat drying up; my hands trembling as i reached for him and tears swelling up.

right away, all the bad and the life-or-death thoughts flooded my head s i wracked my head to figure out what to do. it was only 7:49AM and all this chaos has happened.

i opened the car door almost instantly and he hopped in with seemingly pained movements. my heart was pounding against chest and i could hear it in my ears. my dad grabbed the leash and both him and my sister threw themselves into the car. my sister sat in the front passenger seat and my dads started the car. i looked at my mum and in her arms was bella (our one-year-old white maltese x shih tzu) who was confused as day.

dad set off to drive to our nearest vet, but it didn’t open until 8:30AM and so i searched up and found the other closest vet that happened to be open. i rang them up, my voice was so shaky i don’t think the lady even understood what i was saying.

“hello, this is xx vets, how may i help you?”

“i-- my-- we’ll be bringing in a labrador who has a wound in his lower back.”

“i see, could you please describe how the wound happened and what it looks like?”

“---um, he’s run into the sewing machine and it cut him. it looks really deep and i can see-- it’s a big hole.”

“okay, please don’t be too distressed, he’ll be okay.”

“thank you, we’ll be there in a minute.”

#bonnie personal #bonnie day series #d-2: the state of distress #blog #day series

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bonbunbon · 6 years

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d-1: realisation

trigger warning: mental health, different types of mental health and the effects it had on me ((please be sure you are able to read through this without being triggered.))

it’s currently 12:03AM and i had just finished watching stray kids episode 8.

it honestly shattered me. when felix was eliminated, it felt like my soul had broken alongside his. there was always a strange feeling i had whenever i saw felix. i felt like i connected with him and strangely related in his struggles and anxieties.

the moment jyp left the room, everyone had burst into tears. same with me; i found myself crying uncontrollably and it as probably because it triggered some painful memories. it really hit me when i realised that as felix was eliminated, he had his seven members there with him, hugging him and crying for him--and that’s when i realised that i don’t have that kind of support system.

in australia, well, i’m only speaking for queensland, the school system has a four-term year.

it really all started in grade 7 where i began my struggles with anxiety and depression. that eventually escalated to where i started self-harming. now, i didn’t receive any help until late last year, where my parents started to become aware of how bad my mental health and situation was. currently, i am in grade 11 and so this has been ongoing for 5 years now.

it was not until term 3 of this year where i started having panic attacks. it got so bad to the point where everyday, i was missing an hour of class because i would be in the bathroom, struggling to breathe, rubbing at the heavy pain in my chest and trying to keep as quiet as i could so no-one would notice anything.

at that point, i still had friends. at that point, i felt like i had someone to lean on. but due to the severity of my panic attacks, all my exams and assessments were cancelled for that term. now, that was when i felt the onroll of subtle passive aggressive jealousy from my friends. well, ex-friends now.

i knew they were stressed out and dealing with their own problems but to find out that none of my assessments counted toward my final mark and my exams cancelled must have caused an onslaught of feelings of resentment and anger. i knew they sort of held it against me, putting the light of ‘playing as the victim’ on myself to get out of this situation.

and i blamed myself for my friends hating me. but looking back on it, it really was a time where i had trouble functioning as a human being. i couldn’t be by myself in fear of having bad thoughts entering my mind and then continuing to hound me with vicious voices telling me i’m worthless, i should go kill myself and that i mean nothing to everyone. my chest was in constant pain, my hands were trembling and the loud obnoxious thoughts were keeping me distracted from what was really happening.

that was when i began withdrawing from my friends. it was also during the exam period, where everyone was stressed out and no-one had time to be talking and gossiping. it was all about studying hard and getting the best grades possible. after the exam block, it would move straight into holidays.

and i was never that person to hang out with friends on the holidays that often. it was also the time where i felt so much shame, i couldn’t face them. i was ashamed of myself for having panic attacks, for being anxious around large crowds of people, for always being sad and not knowing why. i was so ashamed i couldn’t even text them.

but they never even bothered to text me.

and so i thought it was normal. i was lonely, but it was normal to me, i didn’t realise that this would be the start of the end of our friendship. and so we go on in life, term 4 starting and i found myself alone during school time.

sure, we had classes together and we sat together, but it felt like i was the ghost. i was being left out of conversations, ignored when i spoke up and i still thought it was ‘normal’.

i thought they didn’t want to deal with my bullshit since whenever i had panic attacks, and i would look to them in desperate need of comfort, they’d scoff and roll their eyes and pretend that nothing was wrong.

i still thought that was ‘okay’ and ‘normal’.

so i withdrew myself even more, not wanting them to have to deal with me and my problems. i didn’t want to be a burden, a bother to them.

and eventually, it was time to be slapped with the cold hard truth.

“guys, are we friends anymore?”

“...oh, i’m not sure bonnie, why don’t you tell us?”

“was it something i did wrong? i can fix this if you would let me know.”

“well, for starters, stop being such an attention whore of a bitch and figure it out yourself.”

“just know, we don’t hate you bonnie, but you need to stop acting like the victim all the time.”

“we still want to be friends with you bonnie, you just don’t want to be ours.”

“we’re always here if you need us bonnie.”

it hurt like a bitch, what they said to me. i cried and cried and relapsed with self-harming because the emotional pain was too much to bear.

i cut ties with them after that. it was clear that they didn’t want to be my friends. friends wouldn’t say such harsh and hurtful things. they don’t bitch behind your back. they don’t exclude you and then continue to rub it in your face that you weren’t invited. they don’t talk about things really loudly and then proceed to look at you with mock and say, “oh, sorry, you don’t know about this. we’re not gonna explain to you what happened, so stay out of it.”

and going back to felix’s elimination, i realised how beautiful it was. to have members, friends, brothers to embrace you and comfort you in times of despair. and it really stung when i realised that i don’t have anyone who would do that for me. after i was there for them through thick and thin. when no-else gave a shit, i was there. i’m woken up at the ungodly hours of the morning to them calling me, crying and i would stay on the phone with them for hours, until they fell asleep.

and yet, when i needed them, they didn’t even bat an eyelash in my direction.

it hurts. it really hurts, knowing that i’m lonely. that i don’t have friends. and the one person i’m seeking love from, the man that saved me from falling so deep back into my depression: roman, he makes me so nervous and insecure.

but i know i need him in my life. he’s the reason i’m smiling and continuing on.

maybe i’ll post another blog post on how i met roman and gush about him. gosh, i adore him so much i would do anything for him.

anyhow, i’m so grateful that felix had the members around him and supported him. i really hope he is able to debut with the others. and minho as well.

that’s the start of bonnie’s day series. this day series is basically my day-to-day ramble session, where i just blabber whatever is on my mind to help cope with my anxiety and depression.

if you’ve taken the time to read this. i thank you so much and i hope you have a happy day where you are surrounded by your loved ones. if not, please feel free to talk to me. i will always lend a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on. i am the last person to judge, so if you need someone, that someone could be me. c:

bless,

bonnie xoxo

17/12/10 12:48AM

#personal #bonnie personal #blog #d1: realisation #day series #bonnie day series #trigger warning: mental health #bonnie dseries #bds

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