Guy 1: Hate is such a strong word

Guy 2: You wanna know what else is a strong word? Death falcon

Guy 1: That's two words

I think it's so cool that I'm old enough to have been diagnosed with Asperger's. like, that doesn't even exist anymore. That's like being diagnosed with Yugoslavia.

I've got a rare collectors edition mental illness

(Finds bottle marked with skull in crossbones in cabinet) mmmm pirate juice

In the future instead of killing cows for leather to make couches, scientists instead genetically modify cow DNA to grow in the shape of the couch to begin with, thus sidestepping the expensive hide tanning process entirely. While many dub the practice unethical, the idea of a couch with its own skeletal system is an intriguing aspect and indeed a conversation starter. Something many people ask is "what do you do when the couch inevitably starts rotting" to which I say shut up and buy another La-Z-Bovine

It's the principal of the thing! You worked in a school, you should know principals...

Wall case that says "In case of flooding break glass" and inside it's just a pile of straws

And one day, I will kill the elder god Isaac newton and finally end gravity once and for all

Lady, you're not my type. Not enough chrome

Girl: Hey baby, looking for a good time?

Me: mmm, No just the dairy Queen have you seen it?

Girl: ...

Me: wait, is that YOU? are YOU the Dairy Queen?!?

I love going back to New York. you know, The purple mountains majesty, bodies floating in the Hudson that sort of thing

He has no teeth (looks closer) Eewww, nope scratch that. He has one massive tooth that runs the entire length of his mouth

Guy 1: I'm telling you, the waffle House has really turned itself around. They cleaned all the dead bugs out of the lamps, they glued the door back on the fridge, they got rid of the grease panel

Guy 2: Dude even the grease panel?!