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Hope Underneath (Ch. 1-2)

Introduction: The Girl I Once Knew

Sometimes I still believe I'm that little girl who would do cartwheels all day, singing christmas songs in september, and running barefoot after the ice cream man. She was so fragile, yet, extremely alive. Waking up at 5AM almost everyday, watching her favorite disney movie, followed by eating chocolate for breakfast. This little person, she had so many dreams; she could get lost for hours just in her own mind. Everyday there was something to be done, a new adventure awaiting, all in the same house and simple backyard. She overflowed with kindness and understanding, there was no way anybody had a chance at stealing that from her. Until eventually, this little girl changed, and as much as she tried to stay who she was, life’s trials overtook her.

Yesterday, I was somebody that I can probably never be again. Today, I am deeply troubled, punished by my own decisions. I would not say I’ve grown up, because in me there’s a child who is trapped in a black box, waiting, still believing there’s a chance that her life will begin; the life that she has always prayed for. And it’s difficult because I am the one who makes every decision, I call the shots. At one point, it was like I didn’t even decide anymore. I just surrendered. I just threw my hands in front of me, willingly allowing myself to be cuffed, chained, and thrown into the river. If it wasn’t for Jesus, I would have drowned by now, but at least I know there is one good thing living in me that can never die. For a moment I felt done for, a lost cause, a deteriorating corpse with skin. Thanks be to God that He has promises on my life.

There was always something about that time in a romantic comedy when everything got serious for a moment. When the girl stops falling for the jerk, or the boy finally realizes it was time to stop being a jerk, and tell the “nerdy” girl he loved her. I lived for those moments. Then there were the pure moments in fictional films, where the fairy godmother showed up, or when true love broke the spell. All together, when good prevailed evil, when the sun came up, when the tears only lasted but a moment's time; those moments, were the ones I yearned for in my life. So much faith that, when I was feeling hopeless, I would remind myself of the things in life we can be sure of; like how the sun will come up every morning, even on the darkest of days, behind the clouds, that the sun was always shining bright.

Today, I have trouble being so hopeful. Although I'd like to think I am, I have to be honest with myself; there was a time very recently where I felt like I had given up. I completely let myself slip away, almost as if I put my true self into a coma. The only reassurance I had was that underneath all of the resentment and self doubt, I still believed. I still loved the beautiful things, the things that appeared almost impossible. I loved good news, and the fact that babies were being born everyday, and people were overcoming diseases. I realize that loving these things, admiring the goodness, it is only a sign of an undying hope in my heart. I, myself, have not recently acted as a person of hope, but I have it, nonetheless.

It’s difficult being in a position where you can enter the path to victory, or continue to choose the path of desire, which not only leads to dissatisfaction, but leads to destruction. Those fairytale movies truly did me in, because although they are beautiful, for someone like me, a love-sick, hopeless romantic, they caused trouble. I tried so hard to find adult romance at such a tender age. I was always hoping for a love story, a miracle. A man who would change everything about himself and do everything possible to make me happy. Someone who was troubled, but turned their life around because I’m just so special. Yeah, well, that didn’t work out so well. I got the “bad boy” but didn’t get much good out of it (woah, shocker). We’ll get more into the details later. What we are going to do right now is go back to the beginning. Where it all started, and why I am where I am today. I am unashamed, and I believe there is power in sharing a story, and sorting through trauma. I know I am not the only one who has gone through what I am about to share, and I firmly believe that doing this will continue to help me move forward and heal, finally. Without further ado, let’s dive in.

Chapter One: Almost Free

At the tender age of seventeen, I was getting out of my first “serious” relationship. It was definitely High School puppy love and lasted a little over a year. During this time, I was also heavily in church and was entering the last six months of my High School career. My plan was to graduate, enjoy the summer and then do a 9-month internship at my church come Fall. My boyfriend and I, at the time, were shaky. I knew he was messing around with another girl, but I was so naive and just fearful of facing the truth. I also truly believed I loved him so much. It wasn’t too long until it was blatant in front of my face. At school one day, during the passing period, he was standing there cupcaking with a girl, casually in front of my class. I didn’t know how to act, I was so hurt so I just proceeded like I didn’t care, but I knew I had to make a decision.

That same night, I went to a small group that I was in for church and I was just crying, and saying how much I loved him and wanted to try to make it work. Everyone there was telling me how there should be no question at all, it was time to leave. Block him off of everything, avoid him at school, etc. I kept saying to them “I’m not ready!”, until I realized, I would never be ready. Jesus himself pleaded with God before He went to the cross, but He knew it’s what needed to be done (Matthew 26:39). Moses doubted himself, but God ensured Moses constantly that He was with him. So after this revelation, I was feeling empowered to the max. I blocked that boy and didn’t even give him the chance to see my face. And for months after this, I heard from so many people how he had been cheating on me for a while, so it was good riddance.

After a week, I was glistening with joy, just happy, free. And for a split second, it seemed like I was on my way to better days. I was making new friends and even had a little flame with this boy in my English class. I just had constant smiles, until one Sunday came around. I was eating at Applebee's with my family and I got a message on twitter from a boy named Sonny. Little did I know that my next step after this moment would dictate the next six years of my life.

Sonny had popped up in my life about two years prior to this day, but it was very brief. That explains my confusion when he messaged me on twitter that day. His exact words were, “I like the blonde look” and heart emoji(s). Since I didn’t remember who he was at all, he expressed his shock which helped jog my memory of this person. Then, ofcourse, in my painfully naive “single girl” mind, I thought to myself, ``It doesn’t hurt to play”. So at that moment I had already decided I was going to entertain him, because he had always expressed his interest and attraction to me in the years before this. I mean, why not just have a little fun, right?

We began to text and then talk on the phone constantly. I am a major talker, so it was always very fun for me. We did this for about three months before we went on our first date. I learned he was in college, played basketball and also lived in a nice area. Sounds like a clean cut kid, right? At this point, I am loving the attention. We were always laughing and joking, and he just made me feel like I was the most beautiful thing to touch the planet. I grew fond of him quickly. On our first date, he picked me up from a friend’s house and took me to a waterfront. We got hot and heavy fast. Although at this point, I was still a virgin, and the worst I had done was make-out with a guy. Honestly, I would never even let a guy touch my leg or anything, it was that serious. Things were different with Sonny, though. That’s something I admired about him, he always made me feel very comfortable in my decisions. I know you’re wondering if I did the big three letter word that night, but no, I did not. He surprisingly “waited” eight months for me.

I got my first hickey that night, and experienced a level of intimacy that I never knew could be possible without being naked. When he drove me home, he said, “At every stop sign or stop light, I want to kiss you.”, which was the cutest thing ever to me, and the butterfly’s just never left. When he dropped me off at home, he almost crashed into the mailbox when I kissed him goodbye. I went inside and my mom saw the hickey on my neck and went crazy on me, she was so angry and I started to cry because I realized I had done a horrible thing. Maybe some of you reading this might think, “that’s literally nothing”, but at that time, it really was everything to me simply because I had always held myself to very high standards. I had dated other boy’s for months and never let them touch my arm, or even put their tongue in my mouth but now all the sudden I was comfortable enough with a practical stranger. I would like to point out how significant this was. This was the first situation between him and I where I was convinced to give up all of my morals, virtues, and beliefs. He truly made me feel so comfortable, and I ate it up. A hopeful, faith filled girl like me, I began to trust him with everything.

We got serious very quickly, and I was falling hard. He made me laugh, he was sweet to me, he treated me like a baby and I loved it. We were always talking, always. He always wanted to show me off to all of his friends and would make me sing for them on the phone. Pretty soon he started to invite me around them. They were all really funny, and for months I could never truly bond with any of them because I was so shy and nervous. Sonny wanted me around everyone, any chance he got. We would either be in the car or in his friend Manny’s garage, which always gave me anxiety because I would be the only girl most of the time. There were also times during the week where Sonny would take me on lots of dates and adventures. We would go to tons of places, he was always really fun and creative. We spent every waking moment together. If we weren’t together, we were on the phone talking for hours upon hours, and we’d sleep on the phone too. Everything seemed amazing to me because we were so inseparable. I fell hard for him, very hard.

Sonny smoked a lot of weed, and I didn’t really mind it, even if I didn’t smoke. That’s pretty much what he and his friends would do, just smoke, play video games, watch funny movies or even play basketball. I never expected him to dabble in other drugs because I just didn’t think people our age really cared, of course, because I was very naive. On my 18th birthday, Sonny came with his friends Sal and Darnell, whom I had never heard much about before this day. I was expecting the other friends that I was used to. I was confused as to why they were all holding coffee cups (which ended up being Codeine and Promethazine mixed with soda), and I actually believed they were drinking coffee that night. This was obviously recreational but sadly, it opened doors for him, but we will get more into this later. Sonny was so shy but I remember my family being welcoming and even my sister was trying to include him (which is surprising to think since she absolutely despises him now, for good reason). It was a fun night, but the days to come would bring a major shift.

Chapter Two: True Colors

Sonny started to hang out with Sal a lot more and Sal would always come with Sonny to my house. Sometimes we’d watch movies and would all fall asleep. One time, I woke up to Sonny’s phone vibrating and it was in his hand so, myself, being nosey, I looked at it and saw messages from someone in his phone named “best friend” with the dancing girl emoji. We were already four months into our relationship, I thought I had met all of his friends already, so how could I miss his “best friend”? I was too scared to ever bring it up so I eventually opted for being sneaky instead. I wasn’t a very vocal person at this time, I never wanted problems with anyone, especially the love of my life. I also would notice a girl on Twitter who would like a lot of his tweets and I often wondered if she could be the same person, but I just didn’t have enough evidence or energy to look further.

About seven months into our relationship, Sonny and I went on a date and that night things got really heated for us and he said it was the perfect time to do it. I was scared, but like I’ve said before, he made me feel so comfortable, and I also thought maybe if I did this, he wouldn’t want to talk to other girls. After three days of going back and forth, I eventually gave in. As an 18 year old girl who is a sucker for the romantics, you’d think my first time would have been amazing, but it was not, it was only amazing for him. It was just not at all how I thought it would be. I was expecting a bed, flowers, gentleness and kissing, but it was just the opposite. I started to cry after, only because I felt I was spoiled goods at that point, and was hoping it would have at least been romantic to make it worth my while. I never stayed sad for long, though, and it wasn’t too long until I began to love doing it. The next few weeks to come, that’s all we did whenever we had the chance.

One night, I snuck out and Sonny picked me up so I could sleep at his house. That night, he fell into a deep sleep, and I couldn’t help but look at his phone. Let me tell you, I was not expecting at all what I was about to see. Maybe girl’s flirting with him or something, but not this. I not only found out who “best friend” was, but I saw sexting, and flirting like if he was in a relationship with this girl. Her name might as well have been, “Girlfriend” in his phone because of how much they were talking. I was so confused. I saw FaceTime calls, phone calls, and all I could think was, how does this man have the time? He had been talking to this girl for months. Her name was May and I guess they had known each other from camps that they would both attend every year. Let me tell you, this girl was the biggest hater on planet earth. In their text threads I would see how she would spend so much time saying horrible things about me. It made me think about how I had no idea who she was at all, yet, she was spending her time talking about me everyday? It blew my mind. It just didn’t add up, and was extremely pathetic. And Sonny never stood up for me either, he would just laugh at the things she’d say. I always think about how I should have just ended it there, but I was just not who I am today. I was too soft and always gave people the benefit of the doubt.

Not only did I see this, but I found naked pictures of some girl on his phone, and a video from March of that year where another girl was performing a sexual act to him while he recorded. I was crushed, all I could think was “What do I do about this? Why is this happening? I thought we were happy? March? We went on our first date in March? How did I miss this?” It drove me nuts. But I still didn’t know what to do. After we woke up the next morning, Sonny drove me home and I just texted him about it after he left. And I tried to break up with him but he swore that that video was so old and that there was no way it could have been from March. In regards to that girl May, he said that he used to talk to her the year prior but that he left her for me. He swore to me that the only reason he kept talking to her was because she was a good friend, and a nice person (my eyes are rolling). He also said that all the things he had said to her was just him messing around, that she knew he was with me and that’s just how they would “joke” with each other. He said to please give him another chance, that she meant nothing and he was going to tell her how much he loved me.

Sonny posted a picture of me on his Instagram where he expressed how much he loved me to all of his followers. He also sent me screenshots of the messages where he told May that he couldn’t be her friend anymore. He told her that he loved me and was serious about me only. Of course, I ate it all up. I mean, this is my man, he loves me, of course he would never hurt me. I was crazy, and just too overdramatic. Obviously, my man got my back; or, so I thought.

Chapter Three: Turn The Cheek

As I look back and remember all of this, it just makes me realize how mentally and emotionally absent some people can be. Sonny was one of those people. His way of life truly confused me. I would see the truth but would delete it, copy his truth, and then paste it onto my mind. I did not think anyone would go so far to keep someone. I thought, if he loves her, wouldn’t he just leave me? But he would not let me go. There was no chance in hell. It makes no sense. How did he cry and beg, and beg, and beg again, then beg more for me to stay with him, and promise to change, and then go and do it again, that many times. Obviously, this goes back to my big heart, vulnerability and easily manipulated mind, because I should not have stood for this. You have no idea how hard it is to forgive myself for that. What’s even worse, this was only the beginning, not even a year of us being together yet. I just had so much hope that he would change.

Clearly, Sonny did not stop talking to May. There was even an incident where this girl messaged me saying, “He loves you and you only, I promise. Please don’t leave him. I promise I will leave him alone. I really care about Sonny as a friend, but for you both, I will leave him alone”. Yes, I believed the girl and had sympathy for her, which was pathetic of me. I told her they could stay friends, and obviously the same situations kept happening. This began to feel like a never ending cycle. Wasn’t she tired? Clearly he was with me. However, that can be turned around. Wasn’t I tired? Clearly he was not going to let her go. I hate to say it, but I saw him as a prize. I wanted to win. I wanted to be on top and show that girl how he loved me and could care less about her. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to cry. I wanted her to feel as humiliated as I had been feeling. Eventually, I forced him to block her (Ladies, do not ever force your man to block someone, that is their responsibility. If they cannot see it's wrong, leave. If you do not trust him, leave.) which did nothing, because he always let her back in.

Remember how I had mentioned an Internship at my church? Well, it was still going to happen… (To Be Continued…)

#hope #relationship #cheating #codependant #love quotes #love #heartbreak #broken #healing #health #mentalhealth #growth #fear #loneliness

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