suddenly quiet

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It’s been a while . . .

Life has been so eventful and so, I haven’t taken the time to get on here in a while. I remember always getting on here when I was younger. A lot has changed. I’m blown away as I reflect back on where I’ve been, to now where God has brought me... It’s been a big transformation.

I’m learning a lot. God continues to grow my heart for the things He cares about: people. He teaches me patience as He graciously shows me how patient He has been towards me and still is. I’m thankful. He is life. I’ve found it.. and it’s in Him. 

Thank you Jesus for what you’ve done. I get to enjoy so much because you paid a heavy price for me. Becoming yours was the best decision I could’ve ever made. And I’m convinced that it was the best thing that’s ever impacted my relationships. I now look forward to almost a year of marriage to a wonderful man... I have you to thank for that. 

I’m excited to see where you will continue to take me.

My Cyclical Discovery of Loving Grace

I imagine myself as a child, little Ayannia as you will.  Thirsty for God’s love. Foolishly, I’m this child who wants to earn her way to God. So, with my functional way of thinking, I grab my backpack of dirty laundry and I set off to make my way to God to get some of his love, which is at the top of this mountain; Mountain of love as you will.  As I’m climbing up this mountain, my backpack feels heavier and heavier - my breathing becoming more shallow. Still, I’m pushing through - pushing through the pain. The more I climbed the more I struggled, I refused to stop. Little Ayannia trying to push and push and push her way up this steep incline of a mountain. I started to realize that my backpack had a hole in it and all my dirty laundry started falling out. Ashamed and embarrassed I had to go back and grab it, attempting to nicely fold it and place it back into my backpack. And I continued my on with journey up the mountain, barely taking steps at this point; barely breathing. I then stumble over a tiny rock and come crashing down with my backpack completely breaking. Face planting into the dirt, I started to feel everything: completely exhausted, body in unbearable pain, and as I looked around, I saw all my dirty laundry everywhere - totally exposed. I felt so weak, I felt so vulnerable. I began crying uncontrollably (gasping for air) and in the midst of tears, I feel a tap on my shoulder - it’s my father! He looks down at me and says, “What are you doing my child? Why are you working so hard to reach me?” Still crying, I say, “Because... I wanted to reach you...” And he replies, “Honey, I don’t need you to come to me for love, I’m here. I never stopped giving you my love. You stopped accepting it” So out of breath and desperate, I surrender all self-control and I feel like I’m dying...but in that same moment, God swoops me into his arms and overwhelmingly pours out his love into my heart and I can breathe again. 

I was too focused on what I wanted to do, that I forgot about what my Father did for me. 

I was so focused on being self-sufficient I stopped myself from being able to fully receive the air that I need to breathe (God’s love).