awildofnothing
a wild of nothing
where every something, being blent together turns to a wild of nothing Lauren. 33. On the fence about just about everything.
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The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–2023) | Hacks (2021–)
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GET YOUR BODY OUT OF SURVIVAL MODE SO YOU CAN CREATE FROM YOUR HEART
#me rn#cbd helps but then im sweepy#(im saying it like it’s funny and hoping it becomes funny)#anxiety
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astonishing how good it can feel to get some chores done sometimes. you’ll be sitting there like damn i am some type of horrid little smeagol like creature who should be crushed to death. but then you do some laundry and you’re like wrow. im actually gods most fuckable soldier.
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I'm gonna miss our little cottage, though.
(insp. by @lightningtitties)
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I draw a line in my life
singing this is the new way I behave now
and actually live by the shape of that sound
#I haven’t trusted myself in years and it’s really hard to literally need to do that to get better#phew this song hit me#anxiety#this song is both ouch and comfort#music
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Being Imogen Temult must be crazy cause you got your mama saying she’s releasing a god eater for your sake and then you have your girlfriend like mind melding with one of Exandria’s greatest villains also saying it’s for your sake. Like all the diva wants is to own a farm and ride horses and instead she’s got some of the most power people on Exandria dooming themselves to something awful “for her”
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Some mental health stuff under the cut
Never had a panic attack before and holy crap I underestimated how horrible they are. One of the top 3 worst experiences of my life so far.
I’ve had about 7 in the past 4 days (some lasting hours) and I think at this point it’s just fear of having another one triggering them, which feels very inescapable in the moment.
Being prescribed a rescue medicine has helped me prevent them from escalating* over the past day but it still feels like something lurking that I have to force down anytime my heart rate rises or I get dizzy or any one of plenty of other normal physical reactions happens
(*As in, just knowing I have access to a rescue medicine has helped me mentally shut them down after having taken it once, since the idea of an off or turn down switch breaks into the cycle of panicking about not being able to stop panic attacks).
Not sure why I’m making this post except to say to anyone else who has never experienced a panic attack, they are no joke.
The things your brain will force you to think about when you are overwhelmed can be really scary. This single 3 day period has completely upended how I see myself. I feel totally separate from the thoughts I was having during the worst moments of panic and now need to figure out how to reconcile all that in a healthy way. Ugh. So much work ahead.
I also am a very lazy / depressed person for the past decade and a half, and value nothing so much as free time to sit down with a new book/show/game. I’m wildly terrified of task-free time now but a large part of me still craves it, and I have no idea how I’m going to balance all this going forward.
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I’ve had to think about the dark shadow side of friendship. This is the person who knows and loves you best, which means she knows all the ways to hurt and betray you.
— Lisa See, The Island of Sea Women
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My pick for the best book I read in 2022. It broke my heart and changed it forever at the same time.
#currently reading#got my library loan back as I was finishing Babel and I’m ready to get my heart broken a third time 🙃#the island of sea women
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Never getting over the intense foreshadowing for each character’s ending that RF Kuang gives us in Babel. Robin’s, of course, is easiest to clock - he was so hellbent on martyrdom from the get go that Ramy and Victoire both call him out on it multiple times. But then you have the slightly more subtle details for the other three. Ramy using his body as a shield for Victoire and Letty when they’re all in Hampton, the same way that he threw himself in Letty’s way on Robin’s behalf. Letty only admiring and respecting Professor Croft until she enforced a boundary that inconvenienced Letty. Victoire always seeming to just be able to survive her friendship with Letty, whose decisions constantly endanger her, and always struggling between her past and her future (Haitian Creole vs French, returning to Haiti, disappearing further into European society, keeping both the photo and the letter despite being adamantly against keeping reminders of one’s old life).
Anyway. I love this book so much
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thinking about how desperately melinoë needed a parent growing up that she saw a mother in hecate. hecate denies this so adamantly not only because it feels like a betrayal to her actual parents, not only because melinoë will never actually get to be her daughter if she were to let herself get that close, but because hecate was always using her. that's not what family is, that's not what she deserves, that's not what she should learn to correlate with familial love. that is something hecate can never teach; not while teaching the rest. hecate pushes melinoë away for her sake, because she cares about her, but in reality it just leaves melinoë feeling even more lost and alone and without guide. she still doesn't know what a mother is actually 'meant' to be like. she just knows it's something she's told about, something she misses, and something hecate refuses to be for her. there's a hole that can't be filled and nothing is allowed to be 'close enough'. a part of her is still doomed to compare the two. absolutely gutwrenching
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MARGO MADISON | FOR ALL MANKIND
4x10 Perestroika
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Just finished book 3 of Babel and holy FUCk Robin
#I had a brain blast moment where I woke up from sleep two nights ago like hold up#they really did destroy the Tower of Babel though#like I’ll let you finish and I have No idea where I thought this book was going before I remembered that basic facet of the myth#but uh yeah#Babel#currently reading
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