Being in love, my experience

I was 14 the first time I ever felt like I was head over heels crazy in love, that was with my first serious girlfriend ever. It was during covid and we were best friends before that, and I was crazy about her. For a year and 9 months we went through the ups and the downs of a relationship, towards the end it mostly just became damaging to the both of us, she said and did some things that hurt me and i did some things that I regret. But I still learnt a lot. Then there was this other girl I liked. I liked her before said girlfriend and then after her. Idk, I always believed we were compatible, we liked alot of the same stuff, believed in a lot of the same stuff...she was one of the first people that made me felt heard, and so I fell for her. I didnt care about how my friends described her, I didnt care about what my parents thought, all I knew was that I wanted to be with this girl, and it broke me. Every time she said that she didn't feel the same it made me feel worse and worse about myself until my self eseem was completely shattered. It wasn't her fault, she just didn't feel the same, and I blamed myself over and over again until I believed that I was fully unlovable. I guess growing up believing that things that happen in rom-coms isn't a great thing. I've been through a lot of shit with this feeling and it's uplifted me, but also completely broken me down, it's a brave thing to feel, recently it feels like I've started pushing it away, usually if a girl ghosted me and if I had the smallest affection I'd keep on trying and trying and ask myself why I was this unlovable monster of a person, but now with me trying to just be happy instead of finding someone to make me happy, it seems as if I'm subconciously pushing people away because of my own shitty experiences with "love". Just the other day I was thinking about someone I'm fond of and instead of being positively overwhelmed by the hint that I might be in love with this person, I thought to myself "fuck...not again" what does that say? Idk what's going on with me but I have a very love hate relationship with 'love' and no wonder that people dont want to feel it alone.

There’s this idea of death that, when you’re about to die you see the face/ faces of the people you love most and it flashes by you. My whole life I’ve thought I’ve had those people or that one person that for sure I’d see before dying, to have peace. Recently I had a revelation and it changed my perspective to take things in a more positive light, but recently it feels like because of that I’ve started loving myself but also started losing my affection for people I thought I couldn’t live without, things are changing and I don’t know how I feel about it and I’m not sure about who I’m gonna see before I die or if I’m gonna see anybody before my eternal slumber.

These past few days have been very weird for me, it’s as if I’ve been through a 100 roller coasters in the past 5 days. Idk, I’ve gone through about 5 panic attacks 6 episodes of ‘I want to cry and I can’t move’ and the most recent thing has been me being okay with everything around me. So far from what I’ve seen, this is the time I’m seeing all my friends getting together, my best friend back with the love of his life, my other best friend with someone she adores a person I used to like almost with a great guy and one of my exes together with a guy who she’s really really into. Naturally my mind expects more of this to happen for other people and it’s great, but it’s times like these where I’d try to be happy for others and wish them the best of luck while suffering inside wishing I had someone to enjoy spring with. But it feels a bit different? I’ve come to the Realisation that there’s no one I would settle for and I don’t want “fine” or “just fine” I want someone who can give me as much as I can give them and I have friends who surround me with love and compassion and those who make me laugh everyday. These friends may wake me up at 8 am to study cuz they know I won’t unless they wake me up, or they laugh with me if I’m feeling down, they may spend time with me even though they may have an exam, or say something dumb that makes me smile. The point is in the season of people getting together and couples walking around together holding hands and falling in love, for the first time in about 3 year, I don’t feel sad, I don’t crave a relationship and I don’t feel left out.

I may think of you softly from time to time, but I swear I'll cut my hands off if they ever reach out for you again.

Every time I start making progress I get hurt, literally and emotionally

I started working out, I injured my wrist

I started getting good grades, my mental health is fucked

I get a girlfriend, shit gets too complicated

I like someone after a long time, they don’t like me back

I can’t catch a fucking break ffs

Fml.

"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness."

--Robert Frost

Sometimes I feel like faking my own death or actually just dying to see if any of my friends would cry cuz I was no longer alive. I know it’s selfish but I just wanna know if it’s real or not, if my apprehensions about a grain of sand disappearing not disrupting the whole beach is true or if my friends really do love me as much as I love them? I’ve always been the dude to listen or to give advice or to just ask others to hangout or just show up when they’re down, but I always feel like I’m the only one trying if that makes sense, I’m not saying that my friends are horrible people, no I love my friends, I’d just like to be shown the same affection, I’d like for my care to be reciprocated in the way I show it myself. I don’t see it or feel it, so either it’s not there or I’m really good at ignoring my friends’ efforts which makes me a shitty person, idk, maybe this was a bad idea?

How do you become a good person?

Is it to always stay in between the lines and never cross a limit?

Is it to learn from your mistakes and try to never repeat them again?

Is it to crucify yourself for the harm you’ve caused and the pain you can’t take back

And then think that you’re playing the victim card?

Is it to always have good intentions and always act on them?

Is it to have horrible thoughts and never act on them?

Is it to take risk and bear the consequences without whining and having no regrets?

Or is it to be okay all the time with whatever it is that you get?

How do you become a good person?

A walk down Piccadilly

I think I’ve stopped loving you

But it doesn’t bring me peace

I’ve tried so hard to fall out of it for so long

Yet it doesn’t make me feel better

I remember exactly when it happened

I was walking down Piccadilly street looking at casinos, pubs and places to eat

And as I kept on walking I suddenly realised

I hadn’t thought about you all day long

But the thought of not thinking about you didn’t bring me distress

Rather, I felt nothing as I thought to myself

“I don’t love you anymore”

The feeling still stays with me even though you’re closer to me than ever before

But it makes me feel numb to the point that it hurts my very core

I think that’s why I keep coming back to you

I think that’s why, even though I don’t love you,

I still love you like a writer loves a character’s lore.

I never wanted to be a poet, it wasn’t an aspiration of mine, but the experience of going through what I’ve been with you let my feelings be undone, not everybody’s feelings, not yours, only mine

If you loved me back I probably wouldn’t be here penning down every thought I had, every nightmare I felt to my core and back

If you loved me back I would’ve been able to sleep without afraid of your ghost that visits me before I die every night

If you loved me back, I’d probably love me too instead of asking myself “what’s wrong with you!?”

If you loved me back, what I’m gonna say wouldn’t be true, I’ve accepted that you won’t feel the same for me, yet it doesn’t make me blue

Because I’m in love with the fact that I’m in love with you

Putting yall onto one of my favorite producers bc of the old meek mill freestyles he remixes with these low fi jazz beats. It has Westside Gunn and Tsu Surf vibes with a little Tyler?? Idk it's a vibe whatever it is

I like being alone but I hate being lonely. It’s underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time, it’s definitely redundant and it makes me question, “what’s wrong with me?” I do the things that couples do together alone

I sit at McDonald’s waiting for my food with nobody to talk with, I wait at 2 am waiting for somebody to call me drunk or just in general telling me they love me, or that they miss me

And that despite what may be going on, they want me. It’s like healing and hurting at the same time, while the mundane silence spreads through my body like a cancer, my mind gets fortified every time I feel like this, it gets stronger, I get stronger, but at what cost?

Starting to realise when their realisation’s gonna kick in

I’m done constantly apologising, constantly trying to make up and I am done trying to excuse what I do and make sense of it to others, why would I keep doing it? And why should you want me to? I am done being persecuted for my strengths. Truth is you need me to be what I am. I’m better than you, I am better!maybe it’s time to own up and let you know that I am

There are days when I feel so unlovable and unlikable. And I have friends who tell me im not. But there is a difference between knowing it and feeling it.

I will never be the prettiest in the room, the smartest in the room. I will never be the one for whom the entire room stops and turns. I do not fit into this stupid mould of beauty and I hate it.

I do not have a pretty smile or a musical laugh. I am friends with dudes who call me dude but that's all I am.

I have pretty, pretty, pretty friends.

I am the supporting role in a film where I was promised the protagonist.

Remind me to not wear Indian wear as much Becuz this is inflating my ego like crazy, can’t stop looking myself in the camera, not even in like a wannabe narcissist way but a real narcissistic way💀

Indian wear is something I never expect to look good on me, yet, I’m surprised almost every time