askmrtorgue
ASK MR. TORGUE ҉
BLOG FOR DISCUSSING EXPLOSIONS, BADASSES, AND GENERAL HELL YES.
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WHY DOES THE NUMBER ONE ON THE KEYBOARD ALWAYS SEEM SO SURPRISED??
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MR TORGUE, I HAVE HEARD THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU FOUND OUT HOW MANY NUMBERS THERE ARE, TELL ME HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE THERE?
AT LEAST SIX >:-(
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JUST FOUND OUT HOW MANY NUMBERS THERE ARE AND AM VERY UPSET
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MISTER TORGUE HERE, ASKING YOU ALL IF IT EVER FEELS LIKE SOME TREES ARE TRYING TO START SOME SH*T?????????
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MR TORGUE I WANT YOU TO KNOW I LEARNED TO READ EXCLUSIVELY SO I COULD GO BACK AND READ YOUR ENTIRE BLOG GIVE ME A JOB AT TORGUE
MY RESUME INCLUDES EXPLOSIONS
SORRY TO SAY IT, BUDDY, BUT THIS VIOLATES THE ANTI-LITERACY POLICY OUTLINED IN OUR COMPANY GUIDEBOOK.
THAT SAID, THE REST OF THE HANDBOOK IS PENCIL SKETCHES OF VARIOUS ANIMALS SCREAMING "F*CK THE HANDBOOK", SO I THINK THERE'S SOME WIGGLE ROOM THERE
WELCOME ABOARD
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Mr. Torgue meet your dog-self
HOLY SH*T, I AM ONE GOOD BOY
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WHY THE F*CK DO ALL THESE TINY GHOSTS KEEP TRYING TO STEAL FROM BOWL OF PORCH GRENADES!?!?????!????!??
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THE TORGUE CORPORATION INVITES YOU TO ARM WRESTLE, WINNER GETS THE LOSER’S COMPANY
Maliwan is unsure if the other companies are still alive, we hope not. :)
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JUST LEARNED WHAT AN IMPOSSIBLE BURGER IS AND THREW MY COMPUTER OUT OF THE WINDOW AND INTO DEEP SPACE
THE ONLY THING THAT WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE IS KEEPING MY FOOT OUT OF YOUR VEGAN ASS
END OF MESSAGE
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THIS WEEKEND IS GOING TO BE THE GREATEST EVENT IN MOVIE-GOING HISTORY SINCE THE INVENTION AND IMMEDIATE BANNING OF THE NACHO CHEESE HOSE
A MOVIE ABOUT THE LARGEST EXPLOSION IN EARTH HISTORY AND ALSO BARBIE
I HAVE NEVER KNOWN TRUE HAPPINESS UNTIL THIS MOMENT
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HEY! YOU THERE! WANT TO PLAY A TABLETOP ADVENTURE WITH A PROFESSIONAL STORYTELLER?
I'M MISTER TORGUE, AND THE NERD WHO HELPS ME LOG INTO THIS ACCOUNT ASKED ME TO DO AN AD FOR HIS SERVICES. I TOLD HIM I WOULD, BUT ONLY IF I GOT TO WRITE IT MYSELF. SO STRAP IN, DUMPSUCKS. IT'S PRODUCT PLACEMENT TIME:
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DO YOU WANT TO PLAY DUNGEONS & DRAGONS BUT YOU CAN'T FIND SOMEONE TO RUN YOUR GAMES?
ARE YOU FED UP WITH A GAME MASTER WHO WON'T LET YOU STRAIGHT-UP MAKE OUT WITH THE VILLAINS OF THEIR STORY?
DO YOU WANT WANT TO LEARN TABLETOP RPGS BUT EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO EXPLAIN IT USES THINGS LIKE MATH AND SPREADSHEETS AND YOU CAN'T STOP THEM BECAUSE FATAL SUPLEXES ARE ILLEGAL ON YOUR PLANET?
THEN YOU NEED BENCOMPETENCE, PROFESSIONAL STORYTELLER AND GAME MASTER.
BRAOOWWWWW-CHICKABRAOW EXPLOSION NOISE HEREEEEEEEE!
BENCOMPETENCE HAS RUN OVER 100 PROFESSIONAL GAMES OF TABLETOP GAMES, INCLUDING DUNGEONS & DRAGONS, CITY OF MIST AND MORE. HE HAS 100% POSITIVE REVIEWS FROM HIS CLIENTS, WHICH IS PROBABLY MORE THAN 34%.
NOT ONLY DOES BEN OWN A PAIR OF CAT-EAR HEADPHONES, HE EXCELS AT RIPPING YOUR HEART STRAIGHT OUT OF ITS RIBCAGE USING NOTHING BUT COMPELLING, ROMANCEABLE CHARACTERS AND BADASS EPIC ADVENTURES. IN FACT, EVEN HIS VILLAINS ARE SEXY AS F*CK. JUST CHECK OUT THIS VAMPIRE FROM ONE OF HIS CAMPAIGNS:
THIS DEATH DADDY IS ABSOLUTELY ABOUT TO KILL ME AND I DON'T GIVEN EVEN A SINGLE F*CK.
NOT YOUR STYLE? NO PROBLEM, PLAYER, HE ALSO OFFERS TERRIFYING MURDER MOMMIES!
THIS WOMAN COULD DRINK MY BLOOD AND I WOULD SAY "THANK YOU"
WANT TO GET EVEN MORE NUTS!? HOW ABOUT BEING A SH*TLOAD OF PIRATES THAT FIGHT MINDFLAYERS AND TENTACLE BEASTS!?
OR MAYBE EVEN ROMANCES THE TENTACLES BEAST?? I DON'T JUDGE
YOU DO YOU!!
THERE IS A 4% CHANCE THIS TENTACLED ABOMINATION WILL CUDDLE ME AND NOT EAT MY BRAINS AND I LIKE THOSE ODDS!!!
BENCOMPETENCE'S GAMES ARE INCLUSIVE AF AND BEGINNER-FRIENDLY, BECAUSE GATEKEEPING IS FOR SH*THEELS AND TRASHGUZZLERS. WHETHER YOU'RE BRAND NEW OR HAVE PLAYED A QUILLION SESSIONS, YOU WILL BE RIGHT AT HOME. ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU GET IN THERE AND KICK THE NARRATIVE'S ASS RIGHT IN ITS D*CK.
HE ALSO ASKED ME TO TELL YOU THAT SESSION 0'S ARE FREE, AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS!
WANT TO JOIN A TABLE? THEN LISTEN UP, F*CKTRUCKS, BECAUSE IT'S LIST TIME:
FIGHT OR MAYBE MAKE OUT WITH HOT EVIL VAMPIRES IN CURSE OF STRAHD (NOW AVAILABLE IN DEATH DADDY AND MURDER MOMMY)
I AM NOW STARING AT THE VAMPIRE AGAIN AND FORGOT THE NEXT BULLET POINT
JOIN CALL FROM THE DEEP , BE PIRATES, AND BLOW UP THE ENTIRE F*CKING OCEAN!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!
SOMETHING ABOUT LEARNING TABLETOP RPGS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A DISCOUNTED SESSION
THERE'S A LOT MORE TO SAY, BUT THE NERD WRITING THIS SCRIPT STARTED TALKING ABOUT CHARACTER SHEETS AND SOMETHING CALLED NARRATIVE AGENCY, SO I HAD TO BEAT HIM WITH A FOLDING CHAIR UNTIL HE STOPPED. YOU CAN HELP PAY FOR THE BODYCAST I PUT HIM IN BY SIGNING UP TODAY!
END OF ADVERTISEMENT.
#DND#D&D#CURSE OF STRAHD#DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS#5E#STRAHD#HOT STRAHD#IS STRAHD SINGLE#TTRPG#TABLETOP RPGS#GAMING#GAMES#HOT VAMPIRE DADDIES#WHERE ARE THE HOT VAMPIRE MOMMIES#KABOOM#HELL YEAH#TAGS#PIRATES#CTHULHU#TENTACLES!?!?!?#TENTACLES!!!
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Centralia Pennsylvania. A burning ghost town. This underground coal fire will likely burn for the next century. May have inspired Silent Hill. Thoughts?
I DEMAND A DEATH BATTLE BETWEEN THE SILENT HILLS AND MARIA VON TRAPP
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Explosions? Yes or no?
WELL, LET ME THINK ABOUT IT AND REALLY DO SOME DEEP INTROSPECTION ON THE TOPIC TO MAKE SURE THAT MY ANSWER REFLECTS THE TRUEST PART OF MY BEING IN A WAY THAT SPEAKS TO WHERE I AM AS A PERSON AT THIS STAGE IN MY LIWHAT THE F*CK DO YOU THINK!?!?!?!
EXPLOSIONS
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Mr. Torgue, what do you do when you find out a friend is being totally nasty to a marginalized group of people, and preaching about how they should change their ways or else suffer the consequences?
Thank you for listening. EXPLOSIONS! (That is how you say goodbye, right?)
EXPLOSIONS!
YOU LET YOUR FRIEND KNOW THAT THEY MAY THINK THEY ARE ON THE SIDE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, BUT THAT THEY SHOULD LOOK AT THE BROAD SPECTRUM OF HISTORY AND THE MANY INJUSTICES WE BOTH EXPERIENCED AND PROPEGATED. AND TELL YOUR FRIEND THAT THE STORY OF HUMANITY IS ONE OF MISTAKES AND LEARNING AND GROWTH.
ASK YOUR FRIEND IF THEY, UPON LOOKING BACK AT THE SCOPE OF HUMAN HISTORY, ARE BOLD ENOUGH TO CLAIM THAT THEY ARE THE FIRST RIGHTEOUS OPPRESSOR THAT HISTORY WILL NOT DENOUNCE IN YEARS TO COME. TELL THEM THAT HATE COMES FROM REJECTION OF THE FUNDAMENTAL TRUTH THAT WE ARE ALL SCARED, ANGRY INDIVIDUALS THAT ULTIMATELY JUST WANT TO FIND AN ALCOVE OF COMFORT AND DIGNITY IN A COLD UNCARING UNIVERSE. THAT THESE MARGINALIZED GROUPS ARE VERY LIKELY ACTING LESS WITH MALICE AND MORE WITH A DESIRE TO BE SEEN AND LOVED IN A WAY MANY TAKE FOR GRANTED EVERY DAY. AND THAT THEY DESERVE THAT LOVE THE WAY EVERY FLOWER DESERVES SUNLIGHT.
IF THAT DOESN’T SWAY THEM, SUPLEX THEM SO G*DDAMN HARD THAT THEIR HEAD EXPLORES, BECAUSE F*CK ANYONE SET ON HATING SOMEONE FOR THEIR IDENTITY.
EXPLOSIONS,
TORGUE
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THIS IS A SHOUTOUT TO CORN, THE VEGETABLE THAT EXPLODES WHEN YOU COOK IT
CORN, YOU ARE CREDIT TO VEGETABLES EVERYWHERE, AND I HOPE YOU NEVER TAKE IT PERSONALLY WHEN I TALK SH*T ABOUT VEGETABLES
BUT CELERY’S ON THIN F*CKING ICE
AND ASK CUCUMBERS WHY THEY STOPPED SINGING
SINCERELY,
TORGUE
P.S. WHAT THE HELL IS A COB
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YOU ARE WELCOME
THIS IS MISTER TORGUE, REMINDING YOU TO MAKE TIME FOR YOUR FRIENDS TODAY
THE SECRET TO BEING STRONG AS F*CK IS ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE VULNERABLE AS F*CK
THIS MIGHT NOT MAKE A LOT OF SENSE, BUT NEITHER DO BIRDS AND WE STILL LET THEM EAT OUR POPCORN. TORGUE OUT.
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