update
my father has taught me a better way. i am faster than anything you u could imagine. sonic wishes he had what i have. i am adding songs to this playlist at the speed of sound
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Alright you little shits open your ears it’s time for the pope
A couple things for clarification:
This is about the 2007 Sweeney Todd movie. There are enough differences that I am going to be largely disregarding the musical. Also I have not seen the musical, only the film.
Under no circumstances is any of this reasonable. Get used to it. There are no gods here, only wikipedia pages and a probably neurodivergent teenager.
I cannot read roman numerals. Unfortunately, those are kind of essential for the pope. Spare me some patience here, I am but a fucking idiot.
I understand that Pirelli lied about literally everything. I do not care.
Okay get a warm drink and a cat because this is long
So in Sweeney Todd there is a scene where Mrs. Lovett takes her local emo(one Sweeney Todd) out for a nice walk. They run into a cart where a small child(Toby) starts yelling at the crowd about a magical elixir that made his hair grow and how he’s selling it with this dude named Pirelli(remember that name) now. He tosses a few bottles out into the crowd to check out and a bottle makes its way to our coveted cannibalistic couple. Sweeney smells it and realizes that it’s not, in fact, magical and is instead made out of piss and ink. He kindly lets the crowd know and then this fuckin man bursts through the curtain and starts screaming.
Look at him. Look at him and tell me that god exists.
Anyway his name is Adolfo Pirelli and he brags a bunch about being a really good barber(see the sign behind him that I didn’t actually realize existed before taking that screenshot for this). Sweeney calls him out and says that he could shave a face better than Pirelli could and you can’t really back down from a challenge like that (actually Sweeney put him in a really tough spot there where he couldn’t say yes or no without destroying his reputation, it’s neat) so Pirelli flips his cape because his hair has so much gel in it that it’s basically made of stone at this point and agrees. Thus, the Pirelli Shaving Contest. They get two random dudes to be shaved and this dude named Beadle agrees to be the judge.
Pirelli does a shit job and loses but we don’t care about that right now because while he is singing about how good at shaving he is he says, and I quote(without writing out the horrible italian accent because I hold myself to a higher standard than that)
“Signorini, signori, you look at a man who have had the glory to shave the Pope! ‘Mister Sweeney-Whoever’, I beg your pardon, you’ll probably say it was only a cardinal no nope! It was the pope!”
Now this was a mistake on Pirelli’s part because he didn’t know that I have had a long-time obsession with learning about popes. I don’t even know how this started but I decided I would find out if he did(spoiler alert: he didn’t but this rant devolves into time travel so hear me out)
Luckily for me, Pirelli shows a picture of the Pope that he supposedly shaved.
Now this further cements that no. his ass did not shave the Pope. Infuriatingly, the pope only signed his name as “The Pope” and did not disclose which pope he actually was, so I was not told exactly which pope this could have been. I started my research.
First step in my descent into madness: Find out when Sweeney Todd takes place. Sounds simple right? Wrong, nothing is ever simple. I will spare you the anguish of trying to figure out when the movie takes place and tell you that it takes place in 1846. The Pope at the time was Pope Pius IX. He looked like this.
This could reasonably be the dude that Pirelli shaved. But in 1846, a fascinating event happened. The Pope changed. Now this doesn’t happen a lot because it is custom that when somebody becomes pope, they’re pope until they die. Technically, popes can retire but only two ever did: Pope Benedict XVI who retired back in 2013, and Pope Celestine V(one of my personal favorite popes, which is a totally normal thing to have), who retired in 1294.
Back to the topic at hand, the previous pope was Pope Gregory XVI. He looked like this:
Now, along with having all of the characteristics of one of God's least favorite creatures, he does not look like the pope that Pirelli claimed to have shaved. He died on June 1st, 1846 and Pope Pius IX promptly became pope afterward.
So Pope Pius IX became pope in June. Neat. That raises the horrible question: When in the year does Sweeney Todd take place?
Throughout the movie, it’s seems to be getting warmer, though true to london weather, it’s never actually sunny unless you’re in Mrs. Lovett's weird beach-dream-thing. As far as I know, it’s never stated what month(s) it is, though feel free to fact check me on that. I’m guessing it’s somewhere in March-May.
Now, time to put all of this together.
Pirelli claims to have shaved the Pope, showing a picture of future Pope Pius IX when the pope at the time would have been Pope Gregory XVI. Even if the Pirelli Shaving Contest happened after Pius became pope, he would not have had the credibility yet that shaving him would have meant much of anything.
The conclusion I have reached? Pirelli is a time traveler from a future time, possibly even being an older version of Toby himself, who, when he looked up who the pope was in 1846, found a technically correct answer and was lazy enough to run with it.
Alright I’m done. Technically there are a few more details to this that I found and a whole other story with the dates, but they aren’t actually as relevant as I would like and were removed for the sake of my sanity as I am writing this when I should be sleeping.
If anybody does want to hear my explanation of the plot of Sweeney Todd I would be happy to give it, it’s genuinely one of my favorite musicals. I’m sure my friends/boyfriend are getting sick of it at this point.
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A leader SHOULD:
Have Authority(I do)
Luck(I’ve got that too)
Military Knowlage(Again me)
And be MANLY(Have you ever seen a manlier man?)
A Leader should NOT:
Worm their way into leadership(Pompey)
Be elected based on their family(Once again Pompey)
Be elected AGAINST THE PEOPLE(Wonder who this could be)
In conclusion:
I lied. NOW the cicero posting is over
Thank you all for putting up with this
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Do I disagree with people? It’s practically the only thing I do.
Have I ever tried to assassinate somebody for disagreeing against me? Of course not. Unlike some people(cough cough Lucius Sergius Catiline)
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Shoutout to that one(1) person that let me know Cataline was gonna assassinate me, I’d let you marry my daughter, but she died :(
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