I just got scared away

You miss her. It’s all you can think about as you sit there nursing your drink watching her go around the room consoling your teammates. How her kindness and comfort which she is offering her friends even though this tournament must have been one of the toughest of her life is all you crave. How you wish you could bury yourself in her arms and get lost in her kind and loving blue eyes as you always did whenever you had a tough day. Instead, you down your drink and turn to get another. 

You know she has been keeping an eye on you throughout the night, along with some of your other teammates. You had been ignoring all their questioning gazes until Lucy takes pity on you and joins you at the bar. When you feel her approach, you can’t help but wonder what motivational speech you will receive this time. You had already been told by Millie that this wasn’t your fault and that she was proud of you or Sarina who pulled you aside shortly to tell you that you had played brilliantly and that sometimes football was tough, as if you didn’t know that already. Tough it did little to ease the self-hatred. You absolutely loathed losing, as did any footballer, but sitting there on the field watching your Barcelona teammates celebrate lifting the trophy you don’t think you ever hated anything as much as in that moment. Maybe she’ll tell you that you are young and that you will get another shot in 4 years’ time, probably without her by your side.

Instead of saying something though Lucy joins you in silence. It surprises you and you look at her confused. She catches your questioning gaze and offers a slight smile. “I know you. Whatever I have to say, you won’t be ready to hear it. Not from me at least.” You know she’s right. Lucy has been your friend and mentor for a long time. As one of the most decorated Lionesses you couldn’t help but be in awe of her and having played together at City for 2 seasons before joining her and Keira on a transfer to Barcelona she truly has become one of your most trusted friends. Maybe that is what prompts you to finally speak “I miss her, I miss her more than anything. Even though I am not allowed to.” “What happened between you two?” It’s not the brunette that asks the question but her ginger counterpart who you didn’t notice had joined you. “After the euros everyone was looking at us, at me. Lee captained us to greatness, and she fell in a world of praise. Fans had always speculated that we were together but after euros it just got too much. It felt like the whole world was judging me and it scared me.” 

Finally looking your ex’s best friend in her eyes, you tell her “She deserves better. I thought maybe I could be better. Maybe if we won the world cup it would be enough”. As you break eye contact to look at your teammates dancing, silence settles among you three. The other two seem to be in disbelieve at what they hear, they thought you had fallen out of love or wanted to focus on your career never did they think that you felt unworthy of their skipper’s love. Eventually it is Keira that breaks the silence “She misses you, you know. She still loves you”. Before you can respond you are dragged away by an already drunk Niamh “Stop moping and come do shots with me. I want to hang with my friend before you gallop off into the sunset again” You can’t help but laugh at your friend “If you’re so jealous of the Barcelonian sun, I’m sure I can put in a good word for you”. She just rolls her eyes and hands you two shots. When you raise your eyebrows at her, questioning whether this is a smart idea she just grins and down the shots with you following soon after. 

You had been dancing for a while when you suddenly feel the arms you have been craving for months snake around your waist. “I’m proud of you” she just murmurs in your ear along with a kiss placed softly on your neck. You don’t dare to turn around knowing that the blond has the ability to completely strip you bare and you don’t want to have a breakdown around the team. Instead, you find her hands om your stomach and grip them so hard you know it must hurt. In response her arms just tighten around you. “Come get me when you’re ready to go, I’m not letting you sleep alone tonight.” You give the blond a nod confirming you heard her before you are dragged away by Hempo to dance in the middle of her and Chloe. You look up to see Leah walk back over to Keira and can’t help but wonder if the ginger sent your ex to you.

After several more songs and a couple more drinks you are exhausted and absolutely ready to go back to the hotel. Searching for the blond you find her in deep conversation with Lucy. Not wanting to intrude on the conversation, but also getting closer to shutting down you contemplate what to do. You are however saved by Keira coming over to you with some water and dragging you to your respective (ex-)partners. Leah immediately pulls you into her lap seeing your exhaustion and finishes up her conversation. As you let their voices lull you into a sense of peace you are once again overcome with regret. When you and Leah were still together and the three of you played in Manchester it was a common occurrence to hang out in this formation. You had missed it more than you dared to admit. 

Leah saw you get emotional and pulled you up to take you back to the hotel. Once safely inside the room she helped herself to some of your clothes after giving you some sleep clothes to change into. It wasn’t until you were safe in her arms that you finally broke down. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough and I’m sorry I couldn’t get you the world cup.” The rest of what you had planned to say went down the drain once you started sobbing uncontrollably. Leah just held you and shushed you. “I know love it’s okay, we’ll talk in the morning.” Eventually you fell asleep.

Waking up your head pounded, and your eyes were almost swollen shut due to all your crying last night, but you felt the most at peace then you had in months because of the blonde’s arms still wrapped around you. Leah had felt you wake up and decided to give you a moment, it wasn’t till you looked in her eyes that she spoke up “I love you, you are enough for me, you always have been. It’s okay if you want to be friends but I just want you back in my life.” Laying there in her arms you are looking into her eyes and all you see is kindness, love and understanding.  “I don’t know what Keira told you, but I am so sorry Lee. I should have spoken to you, but I was sure that I was doing what was best for both of us. You deserve the world Lee, so much more than I could ever give you. But I should have spoken to you instead of letting rumours and gossip get to me. I don’t want to just be friends. You’re in my head, always. I just got scared away.” With that I finally feel her soft lips press to mine and I know that we will be okay.

So Long, London

23 years old and heading to your 7th consecutive champions league final should make you feel like on of the most accomplished players in the world. However, as you look across the pitch to your ex(?)-girlfriend you cannot help but wonder if that is the case. On the pitch you had been thriving for years, but off it you cannot help but feel like your life slowly slipping away. You have given everything to your career and for some reason it just keeps taking more from you. You see Mapi run towards Ingrid and see Ona and Lucy embrace. You look at your national teammate Esmee and see her laughing at something Frido said. You see Alexia share an emotional moment with her mother and can’t help but feel reminded of the fact that your own mother has never and will never be able to see you lift the trophy, having passed away when you were younger.

You shake the hands of the Chelsea players almost mechanically and congratulate your own teammates on, what is for most, another finale. One where you could possibly be facing your old team. The one who sold you after winning the Olympics back in 2020. The one who deemed you not good enough to keep and happily pawned you off to the highest bidder, which in this case was Barcelona. You cannot help but wonder if your life would have been different if you didn’t leave Lyon. Would you have been different? Maybe you would have been enough for the blond whose hand you haven’t shaken yet. Who had been pulling away from you since the start of the season where she debuted for her childhood club.

At first you thought she just wanted to focus a bit more on her career. You knew she was disappointed that she didn’t get called up for Australia and after two loan spells away from the club she loved most, she was eager to show her potential. Thinking back on it you knew she was already acting distant over the summer, but being so focussed on the world cup you didn’t realise it. When you didn’t see each other much after you had returned home, you figured it was because of her eagerness to start the season the right way. Besides you had gotten injured, so it was not like you could easily come and visit her. However, as the season progressed, and the contact became less and less you couldn’t help but start to worry.

You guys had been each others biggest supporters for years. You watched every game she played in. If you were playing at the same time, you would watch it the moment you came back. Usually texting her when watching or afterwards about how proud you are of her. You ignored the fact that she didn’t respond likewise, thinking she just wasn’t happy with not getting many minutes. 

She didn’t get the season she wanted. Chelsea was not unbeatable, and it seemed like the teams in the league knew it. That’s when the fights started. You were slowly coming back to playing and when you had finally returned to the pitch and even scored a goal, you finally felt a sense of peace again. After receiving many congratulations from friends and fellow players you couldn't help but notice no message from your girlfriend. You were hurt by it and when you mentioned that she just told you that you were already one of the best players in the world and that you didn’t need her to praise you. You had thousands of fans already doing that. You rationalised that she was just struggling and that the fact that you guys hadn’t seen each other in months was not helping your case. Knowing both countries weren’t going to France that summer, you figured that you could fix this then and make up for time lost.

Then the draw happened, which in hindsight seemed to be the final nail in the coffin of you guys’ relationship. She wasn’t there when you played and beat Chelsea in the final in 2022. Maybe that was for the best, back then she was unconditionally rooting for you. It seemed almost inevitable that the first time you would play against one another would be in the season in which she was so desperate to proof herself that she would do anything to win. You didn’t care. You wanted to see her thrive, even if it meant you would have a harder game. 

You didn’t play the home game, only just coming back from your ACL and still building up. You figured that because you weren’t playing anyway you would get a moment to see her, having a bit more flexible schedule than normal. That however was not the case. She didn’t want to see you. Claiming to be too busy and focussed on the game. You also knew that they were on a tight schedule and would be flying home almost immediately after having been told by Niamh. You figured you would probably get a chance to see each other for the return fixture in London. 

However, when you reached out to your presumably now ex-girlfriend to tell her you were cleared for the away game you were left without a response. That hurt, but you could also understand it. You know how important a game like this is. How nervous you were in your first semi-final. You had hoped to be the one she turned to with her concerns and to be there to ease her worries, but that wasn’t the case. Looking at her embracing a girl in the stands who seemed to be the only one able to put a smile on the girls face, you cannot help but fear it never would be again.

Lost in thought you miss Chelsea’s injured skipper coming towards you to shake your hand. You had known Millie for years, having many friends on the lionesses and frequently being in London. She pulls you in and tells her she’s proud of you, asking how your knee is doing. You don’t answer her and keep looking towards the stands. Niamh is eventually the one who captures your attention by hugging you and not letting go. You snap back to the conversation when you hear her talking to Millie, Keira and Lucy who had also come over. 

You tell Niamh you’re sorry and she just shrugs though you can clearly see the emotion in her eyes. Losing to a Spanish team cannot be easy for her after suffering the same fate over the summer. You once again wish things had been different. Maybe you should have tried to sign for Chelsea instead of extending your contract with Barcelona, even though you are a die-hard Gooner. Maybe it would have saved yourself and the people you care about some heartbreak. Maybe then you would have been enough for her. 

Eventually, Alexia calls you over for the team huddle and to thank the travelling fans. After signing some things and taking pictures with the fans you finally make your way into the tunnel. Looking up you finally make eye contact with the blonde you have loved for the last few years. When looking in the eyes that once held nothing but love for you, you know see an emptiness and coldness that almost startles you. But more prominently you see sadness and regret. You know that the next time you visit London it will not be the same anymore.