9/24

found the will to provide an update. got inspired whilst reading through my past posts and decided it would do me some good. and jesus christ, the last couple of posts have a lot of run-ons. i need some more practice obviously.

the city is doing me quite well at the moment. i had a brief stint of absolute disdain for my everyday life when i was unemployed and still adjusting to one of the biggest life changes a human being can experience. there was this period of feeling terrible about my self (physicality-wise) which im presuming is because its a new territory full of new people - a lot more people at that. a lot more people that i shouldn't value their passerby opinions but i do anyways. im getting over it now and am starting to like myself again but boy did i slip for a minute. ive been exploring new places, whether it be food or entertainment, which has provided me a sense of understanding of this place i live in. my friend and i were actually discussing how the city still felt a little weird to reside in, still enough foreignness to give off warning signs at times. we decided we hadn't sat at enough coffeeshops by ourselves yet, or we hadn't gotten enough groceries. i try to remember what moving from my hometown to my college town felt like but i don't recall the same amount of difficulty to adjust. i think in time i will feel better about it, maybe when the weather or just the general business of this place has chewed me up and spit me out a bit. i do hope that the winter is kind.

i had this past weekend off of work so i decided to take the train to this cute lakeside town where my very best friend (who ive known since i was 15) who now lives thousands of miles away was visiting her family's cottage. the train was gorgeous and ive never felt such excitement at the chance of listening to my music, sketching a little, and sitting in my own two seater on a train taking me to the beach. i thought of it as something so valuable i think i would only take someone who i truly love on there. to show them. they kicked us off halfway through to exit the train and board a bus to resume the rest of the trip because there was construction on the tracks. that part wasn't as fun, but i quickly arrived at my destination and had a wonderful less-than-24-hours with my best friend. the cottage her family owns has been in the family for many, many years and they've kept it pretty much the same. its an untouched but well-lived part of history and i basically foam at the mouth with adoration every time im there. its all lace and florals and carved wooden floors. we had a bonfire on the beach the night i arrived and all shared barbecue chicken pizza from this place down the road. her and i split a bottle of chianti and got a little tipsy, while her family talked and laughed amongst themselves. being away from home and familiarity for awhile, it felt really good to stretch out on the beach with all of them. it really filled the void of loneliness and missing my family. we took the train back into the city the next day after we drank coffee and ate breakfast casserole on the beach as the sailboats went by. it was a gorgeous little break and im glad i got to see her at the beginning and end of her trip. we plan on me visiting her next or both of us meeting somewhere in the middle.

one of my other best friends from high school (who is in the same friend group as the girl mentioned above) had a psychotic episode this past week and is most likely in an inpatient mental facility currently. she was my roommate up until i moved to the city and she is still living in our college town, now with her little sister and another bestie from that friend group. while we lived together throughout the years, she definitely had episodes and mentally ill tendencies (honestly, we all did) and it had gotten worse in the recent years. she had finally found some good therapy and some good meds that seemed to be doing wonders for her but i believe she went off of them, thus entering another episode. she was texting complete nonsense to a few of us in an aged group chat and from what i heard, didn't recognize her own sister and ended up calling the cops on herself. i hate being far away and not being able to help more and not being more informed on the situation. i just hope that she gets the inpatient help that she's needed for quite a long time and can get to the bottom of some of these issues. i think its interesting how many of us in the friend group have had psychotic episodes. i don't think i have personally experienced an episode exactly like that but there's something to be said about people forming friend groups around shared feelings and similar mental states.

wyoming is coming to visit me in a couple weeks. we are going to a late-night concert and then hopefully hanging out for awhile the next day. he has not been to my place in the city yet, which i think he will enjoy. the last time we were in the city together it ushered in a new era of how we interacted with each other (in a very positive light imo) so i hope this trip will provide us the same. there's something to be said about neither of us knowing many places or people up here. it lacks years of memories like our hometown so we are rid of burdens and guilt we may have experienced otherwise. maybe our purest forms. ive had a couple revelations about him recently as i haven't seen him in person in awhile and can think more clearly without constant thoughts of how our last time seeing each other was or something. the latest one was that i think i like him a lot more than he likes me. it absolutely stewed the last few days and it was hard to even talk to him over the phone because i kept reminding myself of the heartbreak. we had a conversation weeks ago about being able to love things or people and how both of us were scared that we had never actually done that. talked about how maybe every relationship up until this point had felt faked at times. we both related on these things, but he never clarified whether these feelings applied to our relationship as well. for me, unsurprisingly, it has been the most genuine connection ive ever had and there's never been a need or feeling to fake anything. and i know for a fact i love him. can just tell, and honestly ive felt it from sixteen and on. its something that freaked me out years ago but so much time has wilted the panic of it all. what scares me now is the investment of care ive put into it all, and with that comes certain moments of absolute uncertainty on whether he feels the same at all (especially if we've recently had a conversation about being able to love other people or he's in one of his distant periods). i think seeing him in person and spending that amount of alone time with him will mend some things and hopefully give me insight on how to proceed with the relationship. although at the end of the day, i know he will always be around somehow.

saved this is drafts and forgot what i was going to say next so to post it goes.

xoxo anonymous

8/7

I made it to the city. A little above what I wanted to pay for rent, I moved in to a nice second story apartment with a lot of natural lighting and two really good friends. It is the first time I've lived with either of them, but so far the roommate dynamic is good. I think we are all more on the communicative side, but also laid back and self-responsible enough where nothing big should arise as an issue. We've had a couple problems since moving in, including a incessant leak coming from our bathroom ceiling that has yet to be fixed by the countless maintenance people and a few windows that don't seem to be properly attached to their respective areas. We also have two cats (one belonging to each of my roommates) that were not properly discussed on the lease - in fact, not allowed - but one is a certified ESA and the other "doesn't exist". Our landlord is quite upset about it but what are you gonna do? They're not my cats anyways. Other than the issues, the move has been quite successful. I am wholeheartedly broke at the moment and job searching. I have a second interview lined up for a very, very serious barista job tomorrow and I really hope I get it so I can get back to working & making money. It has been a real struggle to not work because there's not much else to fill up my time during the days. A little break was nice, sure, but I'm ready to get back into it. I sold clothes at Buffalo Exchange today, including a couple very nice bags that hurt to let go of, if that tells you how broke I am. Other than that, it's been fun. We've been out to a couple bars in the area now and our little group just caught a show at a concert hall that cost me $5 a ticket. We've had some good food and I'm excited to become a regular at the cuban place I live close to. Walking everywhere has been great too which was something that happened irregularly in the last city I lived in because it was heavily car dependent. Now, I'm walking an average of like 13,000 steps a day which feels really good (except I have a killer blister from my docs at the moment).

Moving has brought on a new era of loneliness for me admittedly and I'm trying to deal with it fast or else I know I'll sink into a bout of sadness. I've left some of my best friends behind (one refuses to move to the city until they find a job which I can't blame them for) and most of my regular bootycalls, as well as my parents. All the important ones. What's really hard is that both of my roommates, as well as the rest of the friend group that migrated, have significant others already. It hasn't been too much of an issue, but when they want to detach themselves from the larger group to do a date night or something, it sucks because I haven't found other friends to hang out with. I've matched with a lot of people on tinder (people that I could actually see myself meeting up with because why not) but it's a little different to have people you can depend on. And I hate meeting boys! Always so nerve-racking when it doesn't need to be and usually not worth my time anyways. Don't really know what I'm looking for either.

With my loneliness, I've been coming to another very adult realization/observation about a lot of my relationships with men. Specifically men who are friends and who I've slept with in the past as a casual/one-nighter thing. I have two guy friends (both living in the city, too) who almost use me as a stand-in, pseudo girlfriend while they search for a real one. And of course I've had part in it by not setting my boundaries very well and everything but it feels so shitty. It's hard to write about without giving the full details but I just feel like I am always there for them in this caregiving role, like I'm the girlfriend or mom without any of the reward. I provide them with things (nothing physical) that might transcend a normal boy/girl relationship and it has started to wear on my more as I'm single and maybe putting myself out there for a bigger relationship. One of them has recently gotten a girlfriend, and as I've now drawn the line in the sand and kind of pulled back from the friendship, he assumes that I'm unfairly upset with him. And I'm not particularly upset with him at all really, it's just that I think putting so much effort into a relationship with a man (where it has been romantic in the past) while they have a partner is crazy. I treaded onto too many relationships in high school because I was the close "girl best friend" of guys who were actually just kind of assholes. I think especially when it affects me emotionally, it's a dynamic that is just plain wrong and not something that I should invest so much time or effort in. I've also found with this particular guy that once he has no use for me/no longer finds me attractive/can't flirt with me constantly, he just becomes mean and uncaring, which is something that shouldn't happen if we were really just good friends. It makes me think of that study or quote that says that men usually aren't friends with girls they're not attracted to. The other problem child is way less comparable to the first, as it's a completely different set of situations but it still confuses the hell out of me. Me & I slept together awhile ago when we were both plastered and I always had a huge crush on him (before and after hooking up). He was the first to move to the city and we kept in contact the whole time and would see each other occasionally. The last couple of times I've seen him, it's been a touch and grab fest whether sober or not. We're very close and we always at least sleep in the same room or same bed whenever a sleepover is involved. There's always some excuse to be right next to each other or cuddling or whatever. For my birthday, I was in the city with some friends and he was there for most of it. He took us to a club and bought me bottle service and cuddled me in the morning. Now that I'm here in Chicago (which he's delighted about), we've gone out a couple times and it's the same thing. He came to the show at Thalia the other night and was plastered, which meant he was hanging onto me the whole night. Arm around my shoulder or waist, kissing my temple, dancing with me, talking into my ear as the band played. All romantic things except for the fact that we're not romantically involved at all. I don't necessarily have a crush on him anymore, and if I do, its dormant feelings that stir up when he behaves like that. And I have to admit that it feels good to be close with someone like that (physically, emotionally, etc.) but at the end of the day when I'm alone and thinking too much it gets trapped in my head. I wouldn't dare say anything to him about it ever, because I truly believe he doesn't have any romantic inclination towards me. We talk about girls he's talking to on Hinge all the time and I detail my latest hookup stories for him when I feel like talking about it. The sensitive, stupid parts of my brain just can't handle it very well.

wyoming and I have semi made-up. At this point, I don't even want to read the posts of this blog back because I know I've gone back and forth on it for so long. We are keeping a distance now for sure, but some things have come up where it's caused me to think about the end goal. When I was out drinking with friends in my hometown a week or two before I moved, I ended up hooking up with him at our spot. It was a total bootycall on my end, and while I think I treated him fairly for how he's been with me these last couple of months, I think that it affected him negatively. A lot of times with sex & intimacy for me nowadays, I detach myself emotionally so it doesn't bring up anything complicated that I don't want to deal with. And while I'm fully aware that I can't really let my emotions seep when it comes to Wyoming, I tried my fullest the night I hooked up with him. Somewhat mean, avoiding talking about myself or talking too much in general, etc. While I wanted to see him and desired some sort of physicality, I was still very much aware of the pain it had caused me in the past. Anyways, we had a very adult conversation about it recently where he said that it affected him quite a bit and he wasn't ready to do casual sex like that if he wasn't prepared to do it all the time/commit to a more serious thing. Which is really understandable and probably quite a good decision for both of us. We agreed we were still good and that if our relationship hadn't been shot to hell at this point (after 7 years of trials and tribulations), not much could stop it at this point. We are being patient with it. While I'm open to small things in the mean time - seeing as I'm 23 and in a new city - I've decided that it is worth it to be patient and that it's something I want in my future. I think he plans on visiting me soon which I'm really excited for. Last time we were here together we had a blast and let me fully plan/choose the stuff we were doing which I thrive off of. It sounds corny but I really think its a sixth type of love language. I like showing my people the good food, the good places, the places that I love in hopes they enjoy it just as much. And now I have a lot more places to show him.

I am nervous for my interview tomorrow, as there are three people who will be interviewing me as a conglomerate. I've never had to interview with more than two people before and apparently we're meeting in one of the locations conference rooms. For a barista job! It's crazy. I think I will fit in nicely there and they definitely give off the same vibe as my last coffeeshop where maybe the customer isn't always right and there's a real value for art and community and collaboration. What worries me is that one of my guy friends (neither of the guys mentioned above) just got an interview at the same location. While I am very confident in my abilities and myself, he is one of those people that other people just naturally gravitate towards. I told him he was the luckiest person I knew the other day, which is true. He went in for an interview for some door job for a bar and he got it on the spot with no actual interview at all. It's frustrating because I feel like sometimes I work twice as hard or care twice as much and it barely compares to how people perceive him because he talks loud and carries (man) confidence. Especially when he's already scored a job to make money and I have no flow of income at the moment. If he gets it over me, I'll be heartbroken. It's really something I should get into but I don't feel like it tonight.

I don't really feel at home here yet and it sort of just feels like a big vacation where I'm required to spend a lot of money on apartment stuff and feeding myself. this city was one of my first loves, so it's still very easy to get wrapped up in it, but I am homesick. I don't have the same community or routine and this time I have the weight and responsibility of being an adult who has adult things to do and pay for. I'm reminded of my getting older every day and I miss being younger so bad. And being younger really sucked for me. I think I'm somewhat holding myself back from things because I'm not comfortable enough yet in this city to do things on my own. Sure, I can go out of my own and walk around and grab food and shop, but I really value taking myself to movies or trying new things and I'm too nervous to do that yet. And literally no one cares about me or what I'm doing but my brain just refuses to let me. Like I can't imagine taking myself out to a sit down restaurant, but I want to. And I'm going to have to because honestly I love finding new shit to do or new restaurants or events and my friends aren't fully onboard with that always. Also, no one from this group likes the band citizen and they're playing here in the city and I have to go whether I'm alone or not. Eek.

Will keep you updated on the rest soon.

xoxo anon

7/5

Im writing this while my power is out so excuse me if it seems a little scatterbrained at points. A general update of my life I guess:

I am moving to the city on august 1st (hopefully). I say hopefully because we have yet to come up with an actual place to live - two friends and I have scavenged the rental apps and the one already living in the city has used a realtor friend to help find and tour places. We applied for one dreamboat of an apartment (besides from no laundry in unit) for $45 a pop, which meant $90 for those with cosigners, and received the news that we didn’t get it hours after paying. So, we picked up and started our search again, which ended with a more expensive option on an unknown street with an even greater application fee. The three of us have now payed $150 each for this apartments application fee an gone through all of the very thorough steps to ensure we have a good chance of getting it. One of the cosigners submitted a picture of his couch instead of his ID, thus halting the process, and my cosigner (my beautiful mother) had to make a statement pertaining to her certain late payments and bankruptcy, but im sure we’ll all laugh about it soon enough on our porch. Hopefully. I am ready to move out of this college town and forget about a lot of the people still occupying it. I am ready to grow more and while ive been doing a lot of it, I think I need to flap my wings elsewhere. We have a full group moving there around the same time, all from the college town and all rooming together in a couple different apartments. The boys house and the girls house, etc. So, we have the support system of friends and familiar routes of downtown that ive known for years now and I am excited to continue in that direction. It feels really strange to move of the state that ive never moved out of before, leaving my family and old stomping grounds behind and therefore all of my memories as well. I fear that once I move and settle in, I won’t make it back to visit my hometown as much. With how the dynamic is currently, I think that means I just point blank will not see my family as much because they don’t believe in coming to visit me (I am the one to always drive an hour and a half home to see them and the dog). We will see. I also don’t have a job lined up yet, but I trust that I will find one soon enough. I know myself and I know that I can make ends meet when necessary and I also don’t mind struggling for a bit to do so. I will probably first start out in the service industry, as I have been since 2016, just to make some quick money and then find a more stable, salaried position. That is the plan, anyways. 

Moving states has also ushered in a new era of my love life - one where I am moving on from people and trying to leave them in my past. Some are easier to leave than others. My real (this applies later) ex ben is someone who ive been “over” for quite some time but we have had on and off contact since the actual breakup. Years now, which is crazy! Some of it has been good, and some of it has been downright confusing for my pea brain when not given the right amount of affection from other people in the months leading up to one of these catch-up sessions with him. I get all googly-eyed for what could’ve been and old memories and all of that, but I know beyond surface level we are two very different people who have only grown more different since the breakup. We don’t want the same things, the values aren’t there, whatever. The most recent happenings with him have been a sort of pattern where I get drunk and say some dumb shit (which to be expected, im 23 years old, but he lacks relatability to other 23 year olds so everything I do is dumb shit) and then block him because I feel as if I want him out of my life for good BECAUSE my brain gets all loopy but then we somehow reconnect, see each other to catch up and exchange niceties and maybe even flirt a lot and then the cycle continues. Right now we are on a blocked period but I intend to keep it that way. There are only so many times we can ask about each others moms and quite frankly he’s not very nice and doesn’t even seem to want to see me (when he’s the one asking to!). So honestly he’s not hard to leave behind in this aspect because we’ve been moved on for quite some time and I think we just need to leave it alone. 

The one I do have trouble leaving behind is you guessed it - wyoming (ding, ding, ding). Much more complicated than any other relationship I’ve had, he’s never even been considered my actual partner so really it’s unfair. Since the last update to this cursed little story, we entered into some pseudo relationship around the time we went to the city together on like a 30 hour trip. For whatever reason, he actually decided to go with me, and for whatever reason, everything changed after that. We got home and continued to act like our city-forms. The most affection ive received from the man since 2016, it shook me to my core. And oh god, the physicality of it all. Its one thing to cherish someone from 2,000 miles away but when you’re in the same state and can look eye to eye and hold their hand and lay in their bed and wash their body with your own two hands in the shower, its a different ballgame. So no wonder it absolutely destroyed me when it crashed and burned (something that I really should’ve expected, but I was on planet bliss). We dated until mid-april and then I think he thought that I expected too much of him which made him nervous and mean and standoffish which in turn made me nervous and mean and standoffish and it was buried soon after that. I don’t even want to know how many times I blocked then unblocked him within that month period.

There were a few times after that that the flame would get reignited for just a bit but it never flourished again in the same way and we never really got back to our normal talking cycle either. I think it all being in person did really affect us differently this time. I don’t know if we can ever go back to just being best friends. Anyways, ill go into the most recent interaction as its the one freshest in my brain and honestly the reminder I needed to update this journal again. I will set the scene. I was visiting my family back in my hometown because my grandma was in town and I had a couple days off. At that point, wyoming and I were okay with each other but not making any effort to hang out or anything (lets be real, he wasn’t having it. I would’ve in a heartbeat). On the way out of my hometown, I drive past his house on my route and that particular day I was feeling feisty and like I needed a cigarette. i had the cigarettes but the problem was I didn’t have a lighter. Half excuse, half necessity, I texted him when I was about a minute away from his neighborhood asking if I could borrow a light on the fly. He surprisingly answered fast, so I was in his driveway the very next moment. It was the first time I saw him in person since April (except for the one time I sat at the bar he worked at) and I was so giddy. He was very, very high so his face was all puffy and his eyes were glazed over and he actually seemed happy to see me. We went back and forth for a few minutes and then I decided to ask him to hang out the day before July 4th and he agreed. It was the first time we actually had plans to do something in months, so I left feeling good about it and it might’ve been the best tasting cigarette ive ever had. fast forward to July 3rd, I got off work around noon, power napped, got ready (which including mulling over what to wear for soooo long because I was nervous), and drove the hour and a half back to my hometown. I was already going to be in town for July 4th, so plans with Wyoming were just an added reason why I was driving up there - although I wouldn’t have rushed back so quickly without those extra plans. I even bought a little bottle of Jameson for us to split for some liquid courage (and it was his favorite). We kept each other updated that day and planned to meet up a little later in the evening as he had some homework and chores to get done. I waited to fully get ready until those plans were confirmed because nothing pisses me off more than putting on makeup or doing my hair for something and then it getting canceled. 8 pm rolls around and he is done with his tasks and out of the shower and I am ready to go. Can you guess what happens next? He says he doesn’t really want to do anything to which I reply that ill just come over and we can figure it out then (thinking he’s just referring to activity). He doesn’t respond for a minute, so I say “or are you saying you don’t want to hang at all?”. He basically responds with some bullshit about not feeling like hanging out with anyone and continues to completely stand me up. I had already left because I didn’t want to wait around my family anymore and ended up driving myself to go see a movie at the art cinema in town. I got a child size coke and some mini Reeses cups and watched the most heart wrenching movie available to me (of course one about childhood friends to lovers to friends to lovers throughout 24 years) and sobbed the whole time. Sobbed until my face was all puffed up and my eyes felt like they were on fire. It was healing but not something I wanted the opportunity to do. 

unfinished but...

xoxo anon

1/15

ya know when i thought (and maybe wrote/said) that it’d be worth it to try with him even if it doesn't work in the end, i didn't account for the pain it would cause me. and maybe i figured it'd be more worth it if BOTH of us actually tried but we barely got it off the ground. which is on him. 

wyoming and i ended up seeing each other a couple days after my last post. i prepared all day, physically and mentally, and was obviously really fucking nervous. i decided to drive us because it made me feel more in control of the situation, so i picked him up and we ending up going downtown. close enough to home, far away enough for a good little drive and not seeing anyone we would know. my hands were clammy and i was a mess but i made sure to look good and smell good for him. i went into his house first to meet his rat and as we walked up the stairs he joked that i hadn't been up there in years. he moved rooms within his house so where i once was was no longer there. we went to a dive bar in the city and it ended up being packed with drunk karaoke goers which seemed to annoy him. i bought us our first round, consisting of orange jameson shots and PBRs, and he ordered a pepperoni pizza. he was taller than i remembered and his eyes were flighty like a bird, darting everywhere. i don't remember him looking at me much but maybe i was looking around, too. our conversation was fine, although i felt like i was leading and asking the questions. he told me he was moving back. wyoming no more. we joked about the old days, talked about girls, talked about taking a trip. made it clear that i was different. 

we went to a second bar soon after, per his request, and again, i paid for a round. another busy bar. we went upstairs to a carpeted, cooly lit floor of pool tables and others games. harking back to our imessage only days, we played a few rounds. competitive edge to both of us, it brought out the playful side that i was so hoping to see that night. he texted. i just looked and waited to get off his phone. i hoped it was one of his friends, not a girl. he turned his attention back to me. i think that i won. drunk on nervousness still (maybe it was the alcohol a bit), i made him drive home because of my sick little wants in my head. i wanted to see him drive my car and i wanted to do something while he did it. he happily obliged. we kissed at a red light before getting on the highway, the first time in more than six years. i tried to use it as communication. he drove slower than i did and looked out for other cars. we pulled over close to home in a gravel parking lot to finish what we had started. admittedly, it was good and i screamed and giggled all the way home after i dropped him off. i kissed him after we finished and we kissed again at his door. i felt like he treated me so sweetly and i was too hooked on seeing him i didn't see the bad parts. 

we’re not talking now. he was good for a day after and then it just dropped off, and i could just tell it was different. ive felt it before and its a terrible feeling and its maybe something that he didn't even realize before i did but i felt the disinterest and the ending it would soon bring with it. i tried to convince myself in the following weeks to just be patient and that he would bring himself back to where we were, he was just sad like he said, or that i was somehow so impressive like he is to me that i scared him. i was scared. i thought that i had maybe fucked up our meeting. i tried to be good and i didn't fight him or ask him what was wrong after the first time and joked like normal. but i knew and i waited still. i told him on new years eve (one of my favorite holidays for the colors and the feelings and the kisses) that i wished I could see him and he just sent me a sad face. and posted a bereal with another girl instead. one that he would post again a couple weeks later. i asked him to send me a picture of himself, he declined. when he posted the girl again, i blocked him on everything. im still trying to decide whether to say something to him before fully moving on or just not saying anything. i want him to realize he fucked up. im hurt and angry and frustrated with myself for being so wrapped up in it that i didn't even expect it this time. i should've known from the way its gone in the past. he will always cycle through whatever he does and i have waited far too long. i think that somewhere in his brain i will always, always be the second choice, the “mistress”. it sounds stupid but thats how we started and he’ll continue to view me that way. he hasn't proven otherwise. 

of course a part of me wants him to beg for me back, to realize how much i cared, to care that much back, but he never will. i don't know why i thought this time was any different and now i just have to gain back all of the progress that went out the door when he contacted me in august. i was always for him no matter what, no matter what girlfriend he had or what he did to them because I thought that i was different and that he would be different for me. but one way or another he fucks up the girls in his life, always has. its a mean habit but it won't stop with me. i just hope i can get over it soon. its only be three days since i blocked him and its already such a hassle for my brain. i think that a “final” conversation would help, me just saying that im done. i don't know if i need his response because ill have to stick to my word and i know his response won't be nice or what i hope for anyways. it just sucks we’ll now be in the same state. kind of ironic that he fucks it up as soon as we’re within 50 miles of each other.

xoxo anonymous

12/26

I write this from AZ where my dad’s side of the family lives, about to sleep. I was supposed to fly back home today but my flight, along with a thousand others, was cancelled and we scrambled to find accommodations. my dad flew back to where he lives tonight and i am flying out tomorrow.

arizona has been a lot of fun and its always really good to see this side of the family as i feel closer with them in terms of values and hobbies. we are a family full of artists so its very refreshing being able to talk about art with them and also there is a common disdain for some of my fathers actions or words that i feel comfortable relating to them on. its nice to hear that others also are disappointed by the way he acts sometimes. my 87 year old grandma is also out here, who lived a great life and passed a desire for art and aesthetics to the rest of us. i don't get to spend nearly enough time with her as we live thousands of miles away so its so nice to see her and talk with her. we spent a lot of time looking at old photos of her family and my late grandfathers family (dating back to the 1800s) so that was sooooo cool and ill cherish that forever. some of the names of ancestors were really cool too and if i ever did consider having kids (unlikely) i’d get my inspiration from the registries we have. i also gifted my grandma a book that i had handmade in my bookmaking/photography course so that we could use it as a shared notebook, sending it back and forth between us. she seemed to love it and already drew something for me to “respond” to so im very excited to start that. my dad thanked me for the way i treated her which surprised me as she is my grandmother who i highly value (a trait i think he could borrow). and because she, and the rest of the family, is out here in phoenix and not the midwest anymore, i would definitely consider moving out here if the circumstances worked out. the air and the sun and the landscape help clear my head (and my skin) and i don't feel the same worries and emotional coils i do in the cold, cloudy midwest. my cousin is also getting married in march out here to the sweetest boy ever and i couldn't be more excited for them. i also love weddings and i get to bring my best friend so i think it'll be lots of fun. 

I am officially graduated from college which is crazy and it doesn't feel quite real yet. i didn't attend the graduation ceremony because i was not about to spend $100+ dollars on renting a cap and gown and dragging all of my willing family members to that in the dead of winter. i do hope i get some gifts, mostly money for traveling, but if anything it's really nice to be celebrated a little after a grueling four and a half years. now i just have to figure out what im doing and make money. yay!

I met up with ex b a couple days before i left for arizona, which i was surprised to do but it was a lot of fun. i had gotten a little wine drunk a few weeks ago and mentioned meeting up to catch up and at the time, he did not seem into it at all so i dropped it quickly. but he texted me about a week after and continued the conversation on it so i figured why not? we were both back in the hometown (we met in high school) so it wasn't the easiest to figure out what to do, especially because he didn't want to go into the city for anything. we ended up settling on a townie bar in the town over. when we showed up, about 50 carhartt rednecks stared at us intruding on their karaoke night, so we found a quiet booth in the back. i got a jamo & coke, which ended up being very strong, and he got a beer. its always very easy for us to slip back into comfortableness around each other (we did date on and off since 2017), but i was wary after this last summer. i don't remember if ive mentioned it previously on this blog but it as exes do, we were hooking up and hanging out again and it was bad on my brain. he also was going through a patch of absolute selfishness (which is ok, he needs more of that), so we were clashing pretty hard by the end of it and the fallout was messy. but, we were able to talk about all that and speak about our lives and dreams and it was really, really nice. now, i proposed it as completely platonic which is genuinely ok with me as the rest of my life is quite hard to manage at the moment but i couldn't read whether it was purely friendship or not. he touched me a lot and made a lot of callbacks to memories and things we had done during our relationship and even towards the end of the night prompted the “what now” question as we were both staying at our family homes and couldn't go back anywhere. i don't know if he meant what i thought he meant but we have plans to see each other again some point soon. it honestly was really nice and he is still one of my favorite people and will always be a great person to have in my life. we’ll see where that goes, if anywhere.

another meet up that is hopefully happening is one ive waited on for quite awhile. wyoming is home for christmas and apparently staying until mid-january. i told him that i would literally stop talking to him (we talk every day still) if we didn't see each other, as there's a lot of effort being put into our relationship, whatever it is, and i will not continue to try if there's no promise of seeing each other in person when its possible. i would say that im pretty committed to the idea - i worry too committed at times - and would try very hard to make this work if he shows that he wants it as much as i do. ever since we started talking again, i think he has shown that and has said some things i wouldn't dare to even dream of (but who am i kidding, i think about him all the time) that have urged to me to at least try. there is a promise we will see each other, but its just hard knowing whether he wants it as much and i am simply waiting for him to make the effort to plan something. we live less than a mile away from each other in our hometown so its safe to say I'll be livid if something doesn't happen. and with everything we’ve discussed up to this point, it'd be stupid not to see each other. i am scared that i will show all my cards up front, not that i haven't started already over the phone, and make a fool of myself. i know that we are better friends than that at this point and there are bigger concerns, but i think back to how giddy my 16 year old self was at the thought of him and can't say that i won't revert back to that feeling. corny as it sounds, i have never ever been so delighted than at the feeling of his hands on me. a few weeks ago, he was drunk and told me that bottom line if he felt as much as i did (the big one) that he would never be the first one to say it. as ive relished in it since we were 16, i told him i had no problem saying it first, and about a week later i did. i was also a little inebriated and absolutely terrified, but i said “i do love u” (just like that) and then went to bed. i didn't feel bad about it in the morning, no regret, and would say it a thousand times over if he wanted me to. in a way, it was nice for me to finally get it out there - it had been a thought of mine for so long that i forgot that it was real. he didn't say it back automatically which was absolutely grueling but i knew he felt the same way and was secure enough to not really need to hear it. he had shown me. but in an air of warning almost, he did say it back and basically told me he was scared to start something official as it meant losing me one way or another. i didn't tell him this, but i think not starting something also means losing me. ive kept it in so long and now ive finally said it and i feel like my heart is bursting and i just want to keep going. i said it again a couple days ago when he was driving home from wyoming (in one go, mind you) because i figured it was a hard drive and no way would i have let him get into an accident or something without saying it again. and i will say it again and again and again because i love it. and at this point in my life, i really don't care. if im going to try, im not going to half ass it or not feel it as strongly as i do. one of us could die tomorrow. so in the mean time i will say “i love you” until i can't anymore. 

gracie did in fact pass away a few weeks ago. we hired a vet who specialized in the process to come out to the house and do it there, where the puppy was comfortable and safe at home. she was scared and i think somewhat understood what was going on, as i had been coming home a lot more and goodbyes from the kids were said the night before. i don't think she would've made it through the weekend anyways. it happened on a friday at 1 pm, and she passed laying on her favorite blanket in her favorite spot on the couch. she got a brownie and a lot of oyster crackers on her way out. the worst part was seeing my mom and step dad cry, and the way the vet and my dad carried her out to the car after the process was done. i had never ever felt pain like that before and while its easy to push it away after all of the shit ive coped with, there's a twinge every time i think about her or see other dogs. it feels wrong to be in the house without her and i don't know how my parents do it. i have some of her fur and i want to have it with me in some way, maybe a locket or build-a-bear. my way of coping is to make or consume art (as well as write about it i guess) so i do want to get a tattoo remembering her at some point, but the wound is too fresh right now. where does all the love go for her? i carry it with me like a weight. 

next update will hopefully be a bit more lighthearted and will hopefully have big updates to things that ive been wanting to happen or change for awhile. 

xoxo anonymous

11/17

november has moved very fast and i barely know what's going on! november is always hard because it starts to get real cold where i am and daylight savings time messes everything up. the cold always makes me a bit lonely and i yearn and i pout. im trying to offset that as much as possible by eating good and going to the gym and getting enough social time (also making myself busy) but its really hard and i just want to curl up in a ball. 

as to the yearning, i don't know why it happens. i mean its why there's a phenomena called “cuffing season”? maybe but its just sucks. its funny because a big part of me doesn't want it deep down - there's a desire to be alone and refrain from being touched. i just don't feel a need for it right now and the thought of it sometimes makes me feel gross (maybe the thought of it with certain people or without). but the biological part of myself feels the cold and the loneliness and i want it to shut up!!! i have bigger fish to fry. 

I am possibly seeing wyoming when he comes home for christmas (dear god please don't let this confession online spite me and ruin it) which scares the shit out of me. i think the last time i saw him in person was two summers ago and i took him to smoke in a local nature preserve. i really want to see him but the panic is so strong that part of my brain wants me to forget about the whole thing. i feel the need to impress him and be perfect even though i know its not super necessary (especially because we've known each other for so long, if anything like that is a problem then its his problem alone and i don't care). whenever he comes home, we talk about seeing each other but it's always a game of chicken and it never actually happens because of the latest girl or whatever. and to that, ill be on my guard but i want to at least try. 

today in my horror film class, an MFA named bruno came to our room to show a film he edited. it was a thriller/horror shot in black&white and in a small countryside town in brazil. it was funded by the brazilian government and touched on themes of climate/environmental change, religion/faith, and community. the director rodrigo talked to us over zoom and answered some questions. 

this month involves a lot of travel for me, ive been going home a lot (not as much as i want, but duty calls) because my family dog is dying. i also went to florida this past weekend to visit my grandma, which was cut short by the hurricane. this coming weekend im going to nashville to visit my dad. i’m really heartbroken by the whole thing and don't really know to process it. i get choked up every time i try. ive had pets my whole life but we always got rid of them before they passed (sudden moves to apartments that didn't allow pets) so to have my little doggy pass is really jarring. its cheesy but she is my best friend and i don't know how to let go. its really affecting the rest of the family and a lot of friends too (she’s fiercely loved) and i feel a heavy weight from that. seeing those emotions from my mom and my step dad are always hard. since my mom and i have never experienced it, we don't understand when its supposed to happen - how bad its supposed to get before we decide to put her down. the vets said she had more than days to live but didn't give us anything more than that. i have a feeling she’ll die around christmas but my mom said she wouldn't last that long. 

xoxo anonymous

11/2

ew it’s november! i feel like i should probably try to write once a month (maybe more if it’s other stuff like reviews or connection tings) but i obviously cannot stay on an organized track to save my life. 

school has been good and somewhat put on a back burner (don't blame me its my last semester!) but ive been trying to contribute more brain power to my classes and really work my ass off. we’ll see if that continues. i think in a way i am less inspired to jump into things and really saturate within my classes because im only in three and thus my brain is not busy enough for it to thrive. i really enjoy my classes, especially the one in which i watch & analyze horror films for the whole semester. which speaking of, when did ghostface become kinda hot? i realize there’s a resurgence of this attraction through tiktok (I feel embarrassed that these videos show up on my “fyp”) but we had to watch it for class the other day and i was like wait...holy shit i get it. i don't personally know why i understand, but im guessing its probably some deep seated issues from the past. get help people. grow up.

im also actually excited and passionate about my last couple of projects in relief printmaking because i think im leaning more into my style and what i like to create. maybe ill include a scan of one of my pieces at the end of this post. we get to do an experimental project for our last piece where we can literally choose anything we want if we propose it and explain why so i think that i’m picking up a ton of underwear (bras, sleepwear, panties, maybe a binder?) and printing images of weaponry on them. i like to explore a lot of gendered issues, especially women’s issues because i obviously relate to it more so i want to take the idea of weaponized genitalia literally and explore the politics and feelings behind that. i definitely want to touch on transness as well (you can't really talk about weaponized genitals and not talk about trans people) but i don't want to offend or talk about issues that i have no stake in. i might ask Ren for help and see what they think. 

Ren is my step-sibling (previously Lauren) who is exploring their gender identity and figuring out what they like, who they are. i try to offer support from where i am (about an hour and a half from home) because my parents are definitely less than understanding and don't respect what Ren is going through. last i heard, they want to start hormone therapy - they’re already using a binder and leaning towards male presentation - but my parents are unwilling. i have to admit that i was at first not fully with it too, but i think i knew myself pretty well (at least who i was) when i was their age. i don't think they’ll be able to try hormones until 18 at least, especially because their biological mother is even less behind it than my mom and step-dad. 

Wyoming and i have since jumped back into our friendship, which went on break in January after his girlfriend of the time expressed concerns about our relationship (which is fair). after they separated in august, we came into contact again and have since been very close. our relationship always puts me on edge a little because of its origins and its importance in my life but im trying to appreciate it for what it is. like it feels weird to even talk about it (out loud to people or online) because i feel as if i need to preserve it and not talking about it will do that. we’ve always known but recently we’ve admitted feelings we’ve had since we were sixteen and it feels good to make that concrete. there's a certain promise in the way we talk about things and how we feel about each other so im excited for that to happen eventually. we’re away from each other right now but after we relieve ourselves from all obligations (school, leases, work, etc.) we want to get together one way or another. i think ill go visit him next year when im graduated and make enough money to take a little trip by myself. nothing has ever been that certain with him but i feel like we owe it to ourselves to try it out before we get too old and involved in other things, other people. 

speaking of kind of, im thinking about getting a certificate in ESL (english as a second language) so that i could potentially teach English abroad for a stipend (and a work visa!). i think it would be a really great way to complete my travel wishes in a responsible manner and if i end up really loving it, i have a work visa that can better allow me to stay longer and experience everything! i would prefer a european or european adjacent city because i think it would be an easier adjustment for me (as ive only travelled to south america). my mom’s coworker also mentioned that her daughter attends grad school in germany for free and has sent me the information and it seems too good to be true but what an amazing experience that would be. i would be really terrified to go about it alone so i would welcome another person into that world easily (wyoming or ollo seem to be up for the challenge) but ultimately i will push myself and go at it alone if i have to. but either way im really, really excited. 

today after class i think im going to rid myself of a lot of old clothing and possessions to make way for a cleaner and less chaotic environment (although thats my essence in a way). recently ive been investing in more valuable and meaningful pieces of clothing (a nice way of saying ive been truly terrible with my money lately) that i think will stay in my wardrobe for a looooong time instead of the whole cycling thing. and i finally got mason soksi tights which im absolutely thrilled about. i know that i definitely need to work on my money and budgeting skills (especially with the upcoming loom of debt and student loans) but we will worry about that next time. 

the friends sector in my life is pretty swell right now surprisingly, which is very different from how it was going a couple months ago. my bestie who committed some atrocities over the summer that caused a break for a few months is still my roommate and no longer considered a threat. we have been hanging out and talking more frequently and we even got dinner together last night. we haven't brought the situation up to each other and i don't know if its needed. i have since forgotten (forgiven) most of it and don't hold any animosity towards him and there's a certain weight off my shoulders/cloud around my relationships gone after becoming besties again. i think the only thing that has truly changed is my desires for the future, as we were supposed to move to chicago together with our other roommate but i don't know what i want anymore with all of the other factors and my desires. 

until next time.

xoxo anonymous 

7/12

a long overdue update. to my blog with 0 followers. 

I tried poppers & went to a gay bar last night. had a terrific time. not that I had expected any less from those circumstances, but honestly wasnt prepared to get trashed on a sunday night. going out has been a constant this summer, as every one I socialize with goes out most nights and I am not one to rise above fomo. 

summer is like limbo for me because I usually lack a normal routine and it makes me feel terrible. I either feel lazy and unmotivated or overworked, depending on my work schedule and my bouts of cleaning or having plans that might actually have positive effects on my brain (swimming, traveling, etc). this summer I've decided to become a gym bro and its actually quite nourishing for my physical and mental health. who would've thought! I think I always had an unhealthy dislike for the gym and dieting and anything in that realm because my dad traumatized me as a child because I was too chubby for an eleven year old. and although he taught me in a very toxic manner that working out and eating healthy was good for you and your body, I still get mad that he was at least right about some things. I think more than anything else its helped to regulate my emotions, which are wildly unpredictable most of the time. I get on the treadmill, raise the incline to like 10, the speed to 3 mph, listen to angry music, and I'm set. I probably look insane because I usually hold all of my emotion in my face and am not good at hiding anything but oh well. I don't think I would ever want to get like buff, BUFF but its kinda fun to watch my body change. I feel healthy and confident which is not something that comes easy. they say it takes 30 days to start a habit and I think I've been going for like 2 months now so I hope that it at least stays with me through school and my adult life. 

in regards to my love life, there's not much there at the moment. I still crush on my coworker I f*cked back in February? because we have become really, really close friends but nothing physical has happened since. maybe that's a good thing since he’s moving in like two weeks and that would destroy me just a little more than it already is. I don't know how to say goodbye! and like obviously we’ll still remain friends and stay in contact and ill probably go visit him (its a good excuse to visit the city) but fuck dude. also, who is going to entertain me now? he was a great harmless crush to have and now im losing it. although I've had my bouts of long distance crushes (im looking at you, wyoming), I think I need something. tangible in my love life, at least to keep me entertained. I had a period of weakness in which I fell hard for my ex again right around my birthday because he f*cked me into oblivion - in an almost intentional way I might add. he’s taking the high road and working on himself, which means he’s selfish and standoffish towards me because idk maybe I scare him and it’s really annoying! but also good for him and I support him and all but I need to let go a little. but I don't wanna. I imagine this scenario in which it’d be perfect if we stayed apart during most of our early twenties although keeping in contact and then when we’re like 26 we get back together and settle down and pop out a couple kids and live on a farm in Europe somewhere or something. like he’s the perfect boy to commit to but I don't want to commit just yet, ya know? but I also don't enjoy casual intimacy... so im screwed.

I cannot wait for school to start again. I always get really excited around back to school time because I enjoy buying new art supplies and reinventing myself every semester so that I can meet people in my classes as this new sexy, cool person. it also makes me terribly nervous so idk why I look forward to it so much. im only in three classes this semester because it’s my last semester which is cool and really overwhelming. I hope that I can work a lot and make money at my shitty barista job to support my lifestyle. I need to start saving money. I also am looking into getting my teaching certificate so maybe I can move to somewhere in Europe or South America and teach English or some shit. this semester, I am in a literature class, a relief printmaking class, and a horror movie class. very fitting for my last semester and I am admittedly very excited to start them and consume media on a regular basis again. I think ill be really sad to leave university because like most kids my age, an education is like the only thing I've ever experienced. like what am I doing if im not learning? eeee... 

anyways, I forgot how much I enjoy typing shit to no one. I try to write in my journal a good amount because this summer has really thrown me some curveballs but if im not feeling really emotional its hard to write things (physically at least). we’ll see if I keep this up again. 

xoxo anon

4/5

A (somewhat) comprehensive review of things I’ve read or watched recently

THE BATMAN

Amazing. I don’t care what anyone says. Batman has always been my favorite superhero because the movies seem to be independent from the superhero monopolies (even though it is DC). Dark Knight obviously can’t be topped but I think it was a close second. It was long as fuck but honestly bases were covered and everything that was included in the movie needed to be included. Whoever chose the music for this mf film knew exactly what they were doing: classic & upsetting nirvana song and techno from the likes of Peggy Gou & Corvad. I think the performances were amazing - Colin Farrell as Penguin and Paul Dano as the Riddler were probably the best. Batman is a little emo boy who takes punches and isn’t a womanizer, and its refreshing no matter how good Christian Bale was in his own trilogy. I feel like a lot of the batman movies are pretty pro cop (correct me if I’m wrong) and it was nice to see a plot in which - surprise, surprise - the justice system in Gotham was corrupt. It was also just a gorgeous movie with gorgeous shots (see the car chase scene or where Batman leads people out of the flooded stadium). 9/10

MINX

I had no intention of watching this show but my roommates had it on one night and holy shit its pretty good. The plot behind it is super fun and the show explores a pretty serious topic in a lighthearted way. The 70s porn industry is always a fun little thing to explore, too. The performances are solid - Ophelia Lovibond (what a cool name) plays the main character, Joyce, who wants to create a feminist magazine and stick it to the patriarchy but also is terrified of sex and her own body & Jake Johnson plays Doug, a porn industry mogul who serves as Joyce’s counterpart and producer. The supporting characters are also great and are all given ample screen time to the point where it doesn’t seem like they’re just fluff for the main characters. The show does well at being funny but not offensive, which in dealing with a plot like this seems easy to do. HBO first released four episodes, so I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes. 8.5/10

ANIMALS EAT EACH OTHER

A book that I read quite awhile ago and then recently read again. It’s short, I think barely 200 pages. I remember really appreciating it when I first read it as younger and less experienced but going back to it with a little more maturity, I find it to be unfulfilled and somewhat cringey in the way that it discusses matters of BDSM and non-monogamous relationships. I feel like its something I would write when I was sixteen, something built on cliches I saw in movies or on TV bridged with my desire for a heterosexual relationship. Which maybe is on purpose, but it just doesn’t come across that way in the novel. Some of it is sexy, sure, and some of it brings up discourse on monogamy, poverty, parenthood, sure, but it doesn’t do it in a great way. I’d still read more from Nash but would expect it to be not the greatest novel in the world. 5/10

THE DIARY OF ANAIS NIN

A friend gave me their copy. A book that I saw referenced everywhere after I became aware of it. A little dated in morality and world views (a hint of racism and misogyny), but some passages were undeniably beautiful. A lot of meaningless shit - after all it is a diary - but Nin is a lover who writes well and is malleable for consumption & relation. My friend described her (Nin) to me as someone who falls in love with everyone she meets. It seems to me that she changes her mind a lot, which is something I can relate to, but does in fact hold onto her loved ones hard and rarely lets go. She writes about men interestingly, creating a large gap in what she can relate to and what they can, they’re much more simple creatures. One of my favorite passages: “Everything seems miraculous, that the summer should be so soft, that fountains should play on the Champs-Elysées, that men and women are walking. A city never entirely known, yet which gives you the feeling of intimacy, of processing it intimately. A sky which changes every day and yet keeps its opaline tones. Can life continue to unroll this way with a freshness never withered, new faces, new marvels? Can one arrive so many times at fullness without touching bottom, every year new leaves, new skins, new loves, new words. One day I weep at change, but then there is no death, there is this everlasting continuity, nothing is lost, it is transformed, or have I learned to walk magically over hot coals without burning my feet?” 8/10

SCREAM

Terrible. Would probably never watch again. 2.5/10

OLD

Interesting concept, but executed poorly. There’s a good gore scene that was freaky in all the right places, but other than that, the movie was filled with filler garbage that wasn’t scary. Also not very scientifically accurate, which usually doesn’t matter too much, but the whole concept is based off a scientific controversy so I would expect more. I will say the performances were pretty good and that I liked most of the actors (some of them were better than others). 5/10

3/25

on love & desire: 

3/23

hello hello. ive had a pretty shit time lately but its all been pretty harmless. 

went to nashville for my spring break to visit my dad who recently moved there from chicago (a downgrade in my opinion). they moved to this way gentrified neighborhood, with living quarters looking like hotel rooms and a brewery or coffee shop on every corner. we drank a lot and had expensive meals. it was fine. 

slept with a coworker who had/has been giving me mixed signals. i don't know if it was necessarily a good idea but i wouldn’t go as far as saying i regret it. and i hate to admit i kind of enjoy being confused about someone’s intentions since i like to use my imagination anyways. but i don't like awkwardness after being intimate and that's exactly what i got from the other party. maybe my boundaries are crossable or out of touch, but i don't think its worth it to be nervous or to feel awkward after having sex with someone. i don't hold sex to a high value of intimacy unless i plan on it, so i’d feel more awkward just trying to impress someone with my conversation. 

was sick a couple weeks ago for a few days and it really fucked me over in terms of school. it was such a bad sick i didn't even have time to think - i was either asleep or focusing on my body heat which was honestly so nice. i usually can't turn my brain off. anyways, ive been in the lab/studio every night since to make up for lost time on my salt prints for photography. usually film is methodic and peaceful for me, but ive been struggling with this project and cant seem to fine tune it into something i like. i also have been spending so much time keeping busy i have no time to rejoice in my own hobbies at home. it’d be nice to read or walk more. 

one of my best friends admitted herself to the hospital for mental health issues. i guess over break she displayed symptoms of psychosis and was having a really hard time. i don't know if its our friend group specifically, or everyone, but it seems like a sad and stressful time. i think it was the right move for her as she didn't seem like she could live a normal day to day life at the moment, but im sure it feels lonely and scary to be in a place like that. 

its getting warmer outside. 

xoxo anon

3/11

an introduction post. im in class right now using this as a distractor until i can drag my ass out of the house to get coffee. i go to school at a big midwest university. i do not go for writing, and quite honestly, being assigned an essay or writing assignment of any kind is terrible news for me. but i’m bored and opinionated, so here we are posting to a blog that no one reads. i can't afford therapy at the moment, so i figured i would try to write as an outlet. i tried journaling, but my hands get sore and i write nonsense that doesn't motivate me to go further. so i figured i’d create a tumblr where i can write some bullshit and have it be somewhat aesthetically pleasing, which i need for motivation.

 i’ve been on tumblr since i was probably like 12 or 13, so im no stranger. i went through the eating disorder/mental illness tumblr phase, saw the american apparel shit, participated in the arctic monkeys, tattoo choker, grunge era. even was in the yung lean vapor wave fiji water phase. and it all probably impacted my personality as a kid growing up on the internet. i run one blog (two, now that im writing this) that serves as my visual diary, as i love to consume media and use the clippings for my personality. i don't find having tumblr in 22′ is embarrassing, but many of my friends do. i tried to get a wordpress to start this blog and i wasn't planning on housing it on tumblr, but it cost money and i wanted something free where i could just write. so back to tumblr i go. 

as to what i want to write, i’m not really sure. i won't go into as much detail on my own life as i would in my physical journal because i’d like to be at least a little anonymous, but if something is extra juicy in my own life that i want to share, ill replace the names or some shit. like i mentioned before, i do have a lot of opinions. good ones (whether that means interesting or agreeable), i’m not so sure. but i live in a college town that isn’t well endowed in art and culture, so what’s a girl to do other than form opinions about things she sees or hears about? i also love being pessimistic, whether that's conscious or not, so i love having critiques and complaints and all. i love learning too, so i can see myself slapping some shit on here that i just learned. 

I just want to write for me anyways. i have a hard time finding my own voice and using that, irl and online, which is probably due to some bullshit that happened in my childhood or something. sure, i have all these opinions and love the idea, but i tend to think they’re not important enough to share. and in turn, if i am called upon to speak or desire to say something to someone (which usually is important to me), i freeze up and don’t follow through or say some dumb incoherent shit. and I want to be well-spoken!! I want to say stuff that make people think, “wow, this girl is smart” because i know i am but im also an anxious fuck. so this is my way of maybe training myself to be a little bit better with that. we’ll see what happens.

xoxo anon