apathyakaza
Vent blog
I’m processing things, block me if I’m annoying.(We’re 18)
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figuring out a delusion isnt real can be something so devistating
that you dont have that gift, that you dont have that connection to other beings, that you arent gonna save the world
it was so incredibly real to you, those are your experiences and no one can take that away from you
but finding out its simply your brain playing tricks on you can be heartbreaking
its okay to mourn the loss of a delusion, its okay to wish you were still in it, its okay to feel stupid or crazy for having it in the first place
youre okay, youre safe, things can get better
its a sign of growth that you can realize it wasnt real, and im proud of you for that
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shoutout to every psychotic person. it's awful and hard and i'm so proud of you for everything you've gone through.
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The thing people need to talk about more is the aftermath of a mental breakdown, especially if you had delusions around your comfort media. Even though I know I wasn’t in my right mind I still won’t allow myself to watch the media I had the breakdown around.
My delusions might’ve saved my sanity but I have to morn the loss of some fiction that brought me joy, now it’s a possible trigger for my delusions.
I just wish people would talk about delusions and what to do after, it’s so isolating and now my escape mechanisms brings pain.
#delusions#basically embarrassed myself in front of my fave YouTuber and wanna di3 lol#I’m in misery but I’m growing as a person but stilllll
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moment of silence for all the parts of our personality abusive parents killed because it wasn’t convenient for them to have a child with personality
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Abusive parents teach you to hide and be ashamed of your problems so heavily that by the time you get trauma symptoms, it doesn't even cross your mind that this is something serious that you should tell someone and ask for help with. All that crosses your mind is 'fuck, how do I hide this from everyone.'
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If anyone wants a good recommendation on how far psychological abuse can go but in fiction please read the “feverwake” series by Victoria Lee,
There’s a webtoon version of the first book which you can read for free on the line webtoon app (you can only read like 2 chaps at a time though) because if it wasn’t for that series I would’ve never thought something was wrong with my situation.
Both books can be bought on Amazon but I read it like this
Webtoon > sequel > first book
But please read the content warnings before diving into it because it talks about very very triggering topics, I’m saying this for those that escaped through fiction like I did
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It's terrible knowing that if I ever show sadness or show anything emotion that's not positive towards anything whether it's my fault or not I'll either get blamed for it or told that my emotions are irrational.
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do you actually not like reciving gifts or did you just grow up being told how expensive it was to raise you?
and now, anytime anyone spends any money on you,you fell guilty
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My awakening to the extent of my situation was because my mom told me flat out that I’m replaceable, ever since I heard those words i was stuck in limbo because I have already been abandoned by my other parent so to just hear how easily that thought came to their mind it broke me really.
Because I had done so much emotional labor, with holding my needs & wants just to hear I was another chess piece on their table, so that’s why I’m so sure that I’m experiencing psychological abuse because I could never EVER be the one that was right.
And so to keep up the illusion of compromise they painted me as a selfish person to dull the hardships of others! Talk about cruel Apathy! And since they’ve established that they’re suicidal from a young age from me I ended up living through a minefield.
If I pour too much of my emotions into them they’ll push me away and find some way to devalue my feelings in that moment; therefore removing any sense of agency within me causing me to distrust myself.
And if I bottle it up and then explode out of nowhere I’m blaming them for everything, l can’t see how good I have it, others have it worse than me yadayada.
And repeat basically.
It’s basically 2 mentally ill people trying to heal one another because at this point I don’t give a damn because; I have already killed myself mentally and the fact that they never asked why I was lashing out like that speaks volumes to me.
Always just moves me to simmer alone; never trying to see if maybe they or something they do is the problem .
After this realization I feel like a hollow husk, i haven’t achieved enlightenment but at least I know I was right about something at least. Shout out to all the philosophy videos I watched , y’all really saved my ass.
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Not me blinking back my tears while I calmly say ,"yeah mom,sure whatever you say"
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I honestly kind of regret talking to my mom about her using me as a therapist; because even though I’m glad she’s been doing it less I miss the connection we used to have, even if it was bad and unhealthy.
I miss being my Mother’s “best friend.” I miss being emotionally exhausted because I had to listen to her vent about her “problem-of-the-week, I miss when she used to cry on my shoulder about how horrible things were and how badly she wished things were different, wished that she hadn’t made the mistake of motherhood.
She still does this—vents to me, treats me like a therapist—just not as often. There are glimpses of what we once had but they’re only momentary, fleeting like an up-tempo heartbeat.
When I told her that it was wrong—for her to tell me all that, for her to treat me as a therapist, as an adult, as her best and closest friend— it was in the hopes that she’d start treating me like her daughter.
Now she treats me like a stranger.
I begged and pleaded to be treated like her child, and now she doesn’t even treat me like an acquaintance.
I was chilly in the shade she basked me in, where I was treated as her best friend and listening ear; now I stand basking in this dark shadow of distance—Now, I’m getting frostbite.
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Why am I the scapegoat in the family?
Because I am the strong one, and it's infinitely easier knowing that it's because I am the strong one. It's different after I spent a lifetime being told I was the weakest
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