I went to buy a charm from my favorite artists new collection, but it was out of stock by the time I went to check out. So I get a different one instead. Then I get an email a week later from the artist and it turns out there was an inventory issue with the website and that charm was also out of stock. She gives me the option to get a different charm at the same price. I choose one thats in stock but it goes out of stock by the time she sees the email. I told her I'd take whatever she's got (all I cared about was supporting her work.) And it turns out she has one left of the charm i originally tried to buy. So you know some things really do work out.

Over the last several years I have seen many of my friends come out as trans. Some I’m still in contact with and have been happy for/with them. Others I’m no longer in contact with, so I just say oh...that’s cool and move on. However, I can’t deny that things feel off. I’ve known so many of these people for so long, and have been with these friends through some of the lowest point in their lives. I’ve confided in them and they’ve confided in me. And yet, there was something crucial to their identity that I was never aware of. I don’t blame them for not telling me, of course. This is an emotional battle that these friends have dealt with for years. I just have to wonder. How close were we? I’m not trans, and I’m not going to pretend I understand what the experience is like. However, I know many of them have been going through this internal battle for longer than I’ve known them. There was a full facet of who they are that I’d never even considered.  They’re still the same friends that I’ve known/knew our entire friendship, but it feels like this is the first time I’ve every known them. I don’t want to act any different around them, but I can’t deny that things feel different. I just don’t know what to do. 

Going through my facebook messages has been the worst experience I've ever had. Can't believe I really used to interact with the locals.

Just replayed the ezio trilogy. Replaying those games makes me so sad now. They have a lot of issues, but the games have so much more soul and passion in them than any of the acs past revelations.

You’re Gonna Carry That Weight

I watched as they came running out of the building. Dozens of them with the fire right on their heels. I watched as they tripped over the wires and spikes it placed at all of the entrances. I watched as those few brave enough ran back inside, trying to save their friends and colleagues. I watched as those who would otherwise be saving lives, were only able to carry out the bodies. I watched as the families of these people wept in the streets as their loved ones were deemed “missing.” I watched as it shouted “Die!” while it was being arrested….I also watched as my friends and family walked by without even noticing. Some were looking at their phones. Some were listening to music. And some simply walked past. And then I too kept walking.

If you try to face this world with any level of sensitivity or empathy, while trying to take in the amount of information we do in our lives, it rapidly becomes necessary for you to adopt some degree of emotional numbness. As much as you may try to turn from it, the damage is coming. It is going to be thrust in front of you, and moreover, it will happen to you. Will you be ready to handle it? There comes a time in everyone’s lives when some thing will happen. Some event or ailment or disaster will occur and you’ll be forced to confront that pain. Most of the time, you’ll be alone. Others may try to help. Others may sympathize. Others may even believe that they feel the same hurt as you do. Simply put, they won’t. The grief we face comes from within us and will be trapped inside of us until we deal with it. Others can try to help, but it is up to you to face it. This grief, it drags us down, weighing on us with our every step. There is so much in this world. So much suffering and so much pain that any attempt to open our hearts to it all would leave us broken, insane, or trapped in a pit of nihilism. As such, we can only allow our hearts to open on a few things at a time. We desensitize ourselves to the mass shootings, the hungry, the poor, the wars, and any future apocalypses because...well...your grandfather just passed or you needed to go to the hospital or you look at your bank account and you’re having Ramen Noodles for dinner tonight. We WANT to care about the horrors of the world, but there’s only so much we can take before we’re torn apart. 

That fire that was mentioned earlier. When I heard about it I felt horrible. All I could think about for the next hour was the images I saw of the burning building and the burned bodies that were coming out of it. However, I had a tournament to bowl that day. I couldn’t focus on a disaster that was all away across the Pacific Ocean. And so, I donated some money to the GoFundMe, got a little existential while thinking about it, and forced myself to move on my way. I almost forgot that the fire had even happened by the end of the day. In fact, the only reason I thought of it recently was that I saw a headline where 33 people had now died due to the arson attack. It’s not that I wanted to just move on. It’s not that I wanted to forget about it and never concern myself again. It’s that I couldn’t face it. The horror of facing the death and destruction of this world terrifies me as I’m sure it does everyone. I used a tournament as an excuse to push that horror past me and donated money to alleviate my guilt over not being able to look at the people who were suffering and truly feel the sorrow that they felt. 

There is no safe place to experience this emotion. No place for us to expel our grief. There is no work of fiction, nor no comedy to truly escape to. There is only an empty void of human darkness to gaze into for us to come to the same conclusion again and again that there is nothing to be done. This is the way things are. These things happen. They will happen again. It will be thrust in front of us, and no matter how hard we try to escape, we truly never do. The pressure and the pain and the grief will keep piling and piling on top of us, dragging us down until we feel like we’re going to explode. This is the horror of our lives. The horror of the human condition. The dystopia of humanity. And you’re gonna carry that weight. 

Ranting about the HTC 10

The HTC 10 is the current phone that I’ve been using. I’ve had it for about a year and a half now and it’s worked great in that time. It sort of combines the two major companies into one phone. It has the ease of use and sleek design an iPhone would have, while also having the customizability of an android operating system like the galaxies. It also solves quite a few of the issues I have with those brands. It’s far sturdier than most iPhones and I don't have to deal with apples annoying anti-consumer policies (which Samsung has insisted on adopting as well). I also don’t have to deal with the bloatware Samsung puts on the galaxy phones or the tacky layouts. This is not to say that the HTC 10 is all sunshine and rainbows, but I am saying that I have had a far better experience with it than any other phones I’ve owned outside of my old Nokia. In fact, I’ve had a few major issues in the last few months. The phone has seemed to want to overheat and crash or just straight-up crash for no reason. My batter has also gone pretty ar south. However, this may just be because the phone is gettering older and may need a new battery or something. Besides, I haven’t had these issues until recently. Overall it’s a good phone that has served me well while fitting the roles and necessary features (or lack thereof) that I wanted out of a phone.

Ranting about Shoes

Shoes are incredibly useful tools. Obviously, they protect our feet and provide support for our ankles. In the modern-day, they also provide many other purposes. They can be a symbol of wealth. They can denote formality, they can complete an outfit, and they can even serve as a hobby for collectors. When considering all of these uses, shoes seem pretty cool. I have one major issue with shoes, though, and that’s how they’re made. Most shoes today are incredibly shoddy. They wear down far too quickly given their incredibly high price. We pay far too much given the quality of the product. Outside of this complaint, I generally think shoes are pretty great, though. They have great utility, but also fulfill many purposes outside of their basic utility. 

Ranting about Ranting about

The basic point of this ranting about things is to practice basic writing prompts. My writing has become stale and stagnant. I want to get better with expression. I also think it's a good way to use up time. It’s more productive than just watching the latest youtube video in my sub box but it is far more fun than just grinding away at work. I enjoy writing. I enjoy it more than most activities, but I really don’t think I’m creative enough to write original stories. I’m far better at analytical writing. The only issue is that my style doesn’t quite fit analytical writing. I’m more casual and prefer to place emphasis on the voice of my writing than any traditional or logical structure. The writing I do is meant to be for myself. It’s not meant to be accessible to other people. If others read what I say, that’s great, but I don’t expect them to understand it. Of course, that would be nice, but I refuse to change my style for the sake of that goal. Now, if it’s a skill issue, which I believe is part of the issue, then that is something I would like to change. That is one of the points of this writing process. To become better and faster. I want to keep my conversational, voice intensive style, while also improving and growing as a writer. It’s also a way to gather and express my thoughts in a safe way. 

Ranting about Chipotle

     Chipotle is one of the better fast food places around here, and I usually like it whenever I go. I have my standard order, as most people seem to do. Chicken Bowl with brown rice, pinto beans, Cheese, medium salsa, lettuce, and a side tortilla. It's better to get a bowl with a side tortilla than a burrito because you get more filling and you can make your own burrito. A friend of mine put me on this wave about a year ago. This revelation is actually the only change that I’ve made to my order ever since I started going to the establishment. Really, the only big issue with Chipotle is that it misses the entire point of fast food. When you compare it to other fast food places it takes far longer to order, far longer to eat the food, and it's more expensive than the majority of other fast food places. If I’m ordering fast food, I don’t expect it to be a great meal or anything, but what do I expect is swift service for cheap food. Chipotle fills neither of these quotas. Unfortunately, they also don’t fill the quota of a traditional sit down restaurants. While the food is good, the service isn’t anything like being at a non fast food restaurant and the food isn’t nearly as good as what I would get at a sit-down Mexican place. As such, even though I generally like their food for a fast-food place, I rarely go there. It will either take too long or cost too much considering what I’m getting. 

     Now, I’m going to compare Chipotle to Pepperjax Grill. They’re very similar in structure and in price. In fact, Pepperjax may take a little longer. However, the food I get at Pepperjax is something that I can’t get anywhere else since its the damned midwest. Getting a decent philly is nearly impossible. Additionally, Pepperjax has the same burrito structure that Chipotle has, except their food is even better. You see, unlike Chipotle, Pepperjax fills a niche with food that actually makes the time and cost worth the investment. Some may say something like “well doesn’t all line based places like Subway and Chipotle share this issue?” and my answer to that question is yes. Yes they do. Don’t waste your time and money at any of these assembly line based places like Subway or Chipotle when the product they provide is far worse than what you could get elsewhere for only a slightly higher price. The only reason I’m choosing to go after Chipotle over these other establishments is because people like Chipotle. Even worse, I like Chipotle. Despite everything I’ve said, I still like Chipotle. I rarely go there, but when I do, I generally enjoy my food and feel like my money was well spent. Then I leave, and I realize that I just wasted an hour on fast food and spent like ten bucks. Then I hate myself for the next couple of weeks for being dragged in to this massive pit of corporate marketing. However, I get over it. Do you want to know how I get over it? I get some more Chipotle.

Ranting about France

     You know, speaking of France, I actually have a house in France. I visit there frequently on holiday. France is a great place. I love France...Sigh. This is what first comes to mind when I hear the word France. God damned Barchello and fucking memes. I could think of Charlamange or Napoleon or literally anything else, but no, I think about a meme. All of the history and the landmarks and the culture of this place plays second fiddle to a fucking meme. I didn’t choose this. The memes have infiltrated my cranium and are rotting away anything valuable still left inside me. I don’t know if this is just a social movement that will blow away in a few decades, or if my brain is actually fucked. I can’t focus anymore. I can’t think anymore. Every time I try to put my words into an actual coherent thought, my brain becomes infiltrated with these god damned memes. It’s as though I’m in a permanent slumber that I can’t wake up from. A haze that drags me down to the darkest depths of incoherent noises and nonsensical images.

     I could divorce myself from it all. None of this is vital to live. I could toss my phone in the trash and pick up my decade old flip phone from when I was 13. I could install applications to limit my access to solely productive websites and programs. In fact, I’ve tried to do these things. It was bliss for a few days, even. Ultimately, however, I came crawling back. I’m addicted to this internet culture. It has become a coping mechanism. An escape from the harshness of reality. Instead of going out with the boys for a drink, I go with the boys to reblog the dankest meme. It has even infiltrated the way I talk. When I’m speaking casually, most older people can’t understand me. It’s not just the phrases or the ideas, its my inflections between syllables. The tone I use to explain things. 

     I can’t be straight forward anymore. Nearly everything I say is laced with sarcasm and means something completely different. Today I was a dick to a friend because he insisted on participating in try-outs even though his hand is fucked up. I was concerned for him, and attempted to convince him that he shouldn’t participate tomorrow. I didn’t say this, of course. I can’t actually be upfront and honest with people. I said some unfunny joke that I can’t even remember now. When I said it I knew what it meant. To me it meant “ Damn, dude. I hope you’re okay. I think you should probably sit out tomorrow.” Of course, he can’t read my mind. He took offense to the poorly placed joke at his expense. I then tried to explain what I actually meant, and he essentially replied: “That sounds even more disingenuous than before. Can you be serious about something for once in your life.” To be honest, no. I can’t be serious. Everything I say must mean the opposite of what I said. I don’t know how to communicate with the world. This is something that I’ve learned from the internet. Being genuine with other people, even my friends and family, comes so unnaturally that it frightens me. This rant isn’t finished. There’s more I have to say. I have no idea how to express it. My mind is racing with these incoherent noises and nonsensical images. Putting words to my thoughts is impossible. This is what the internet has done to me. I can’t be genuine because of it. I will never be understood because I can not bring myself to even attempt to understand myself. 

Ranting about Doors

Doors are great. I love doors. They have so many different shapes and sizes. So many colors and styles. They can be the most beautiful feature on the front of the house, or they can be tucked away on the side, signifying nothing but the drab wood. If its even wood at all. Many terrible doors are plastic. Speaking of bad doors, I’ve never seen a sliding door that actually worked. They always break or don’t close properly or are just plainly non functional. The much more interesting discussion is on the motifs of doors. I always think about Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2 and station of awakening. The concept that these doors act as gateways to further development and a brand new world with exciting adventures ahead. However, if the door is closed, you won’t know what’ll be on the other side. Thus, doors can resemble both the fear of the unknown and a keen sensation of wonder and adventure. This dualism can be found in many objects, but doors have always appealed to me the most. My final project for some basic art class in my freshman year in high school was a painting of a door. One half was bright and heavenly, with an angels wing. The other half was dark and foreboding I think I was trying to represent that dualism I mentioned earlier. (Albeit in the most generic way possible...I am no artist in that regard, obviously.) Essentially, doors are cool. They can accent a wall or be the main focus. I like the motifs that surround them and the dualism they can represent. 

Ranting about the DomeKano Adaptation

Domestic Girlfriend is one of the few shows that I am fully caught up on with the source material going into the show, and I really love the source material. Like, it’s one of my all-time favorite pieces of media that I’ve ever consumed. As such, I was really excited to watch the adaptation. Man was I so wrong to be. I never quite understood what people meant by a moving manga until watched this show. Every single shot is taken directly from the show. Literally, I recognized almost every single shot. That alone isn’t a big plus. But hey it's just like rereading the manga again but with voice acting, color, and music. All good things. Yet, the background art and character designs (especially the outfits) have been majorly simplified. This isn’t super uncommon in anime so I normally wouldn’t mind. Except for the fact that this show is barely animated. Like I said, it’s a moving manga. On top of this, the voice acting is generally phoned in. I can’t stand Hina or Natsuo’s voice actors. The voices just don’t fit the characters and they sound bored half the time. Natsuo’s VA occasionally decides to actually amp it up in emotional scenes, and when he does it's completely overacting and kinda annoying, something far worse than just acting bored the whole time. Rui’s voice actor is the only one who I feel like actually nails the character, and from how she seems to be as an actor, I don’t see her putting in a solid performance once Rui’s character develops and opens up. She can do the deadpan fine, but Rui is not just a deadpan character past the first arc. Additionally, the background music is some of the most hackneyed shit I’ve ever heard. All of the tracks are just super generic and add nothing to the scenes. When they do its usually annoying more than anything. Not to even mention the fact about the pace this anime is going at. If they keep up this pace then they might make it to the end of the second arc with the first cultural festival. Spoilers: this is when Natsuo and Hina get together. The sad part about this is that the appeal of the Manga is not them getting together. It’s them actually being together and then breaking up and seeing how Natsuo transforms over time with being in a relationship with someone he loves and losing that love. Besides, Natsuo is with Rui for the vast majority of the Manga and they’ll never even get close to that point. Basically, this adaptation just seems like a generic cash grab and one of the most uninspired things I’ve seen in a while. It’s just super disappointing for somebody that loves the manga and the story it provides. The worst part is is that I don’t want to give the adaptation a bad score because I really want people to read the manga, and yet I can’t fully support this adaptation with a clean conscience. I’ll probably give it a six or a seven for the story alone and the fact I don’t want to give it a terrible score, but if I wasn’t a fan of the manga I would probably give it like a four. Anime shouldn’t exist when it just makes blasphemous versions of the source material. That sucks. Life sucks. Fuck anime. Fuck the people that made this. Why must you ruin my life, Japan?