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i think this is a resounding yes 😭 — @greatgospell
WELL IF THE BINGO CARD FITS —
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🥺🥺 — @weptfreedom
THREE bingo rows! That means Alanari gets three big kisses. Those are the rules, Merrill says, and she would know since she makes them.
#OOC / HOLLY.#weptfreedom#alanari tbt#I NEED A TAG . . . . .#ngl the 'let her support you' and 'tries to be decent to people' being blank made me laugh
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picking through the banters is all well and good until I remember how absolutely depressed she is in Act III and how she fully expects to die soon
#OOC / HOLLY.#surviving does I think factor in to her throwing herself so fully into taking care of her community in the aftermath#it's a thing [hand waves] and I'm not supposed to be getting so distracted sdkgh
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Merrill: I think Hawke likes you, Isabela
Isabela: I certainly hope so!
Merrill: Of course, it's not surprising at all that anybody would love you, but it's nice to see you two happy.
Isabela: Merrill, sometimes you're so sweet I could eat you for dessert.
the energy these two have . . .
#OOC / HOLLY.#sdflkjgh I love them#they're Those best friends#I got distracted reading banters again
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I'm making one of those bingo cards for Merrill and I feel like a lot of it's just "be fucking decent, do the bare minimum"
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( enneagram // accepting )
FENRIS [ @dracaeons ] WROTE: ❝No, I don't want to talk about myself.❞
❝OH, ALRIGHT THEN.❞ SHE SANK back onto her heels, deflated by his rejection but not yet deterred. She worried her bottom lip between her teeth as she cast about for a new topic. There was a rat scuffling through a pile of rotting trash — no, no, pointing that out might set off Hawke's hound. There were some pretty flowers sprouting through a crack in the streets — but, ah, they were clearly struggling in the stone. They weren't meant to be here; she didn't want to dwell on that. Then maybe the . . . or how about . . .
She sighed. At this point, she was scraping the bottom of the barrel, except the barrel didn't have a bottom and maybe there had never been a barrel to begin with. Perhaps he just didn't want to talk to her (highly probable), but they spent so much time together. Surely there needed to be more to their interactions than hitting things.
❝What do you want to talk about then?❞
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lmao I really never finished filling out my pages did I
#OOC / HOLLY.#I was thinking of doing a carrd on this blog a n y w ay#imagine my surprise when I go to check what my verses are only to find I never filled them in
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I would’ve loved to have a moment in DAII that showed definitively Merrill wasn’t wrong or to at least have someone say it, but the only person who might understand all that she’s doing (Marethari) is the one who made her a pariah
#OOC / HOLLY.#MOBILE.#and there’s never an acknowledgment or exploration of how Marethari is herself biased by her own traumas#instead the game seems to reinforce if only passively that Merrill is out of her depth#she isn’t! she knows what she’s about! she’s handling it well!#like it’s there (that Marethari isn’t objectively correct) but it’s subtext#you’re swamped with people calling Merrill naïve#I get that’s the point but 😭
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pft I thought the first issue of Blue Wraith was taking a while to get through. turns out I read all three. at least I can check that off now.
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"I'm tired, I'm not gonna stay up" has turned into "there is no time, there is only Merrill"
#OOC / HOLLY.#I'm putting myself to bed I DO need to sleep#listen tho — Merrill having a bit of an accidental superiority complex around being Dalish is something that is so rarely addressed#but so good to explore and have challenged#she doesn't even realize it's there#which does allow it to get ugly in her worst moments#i.e. if you're on a rivalry path with her and do Feynriel's quest in Act II she has some nasty things to say#I don't think that's who she is at heart but we see this ingrained kind of 'Dalish ways are the true ways' attitude in other places#it's the sort of thing that if left unchallenged will fester#going back to Feynriel — she doesn't talk that way if she's on a friendship path and is in a better place mentally + emotionally#she also doesn't talk that way in Act I where she's bout ready to throw hands with Vincento#so it's a matter of like 'here's a thing I was raised with and have never known differently.'#'if I go down a bad path and don't challenge it it will fester and eat me from the inside'#she does think of all elves as her people / part of the People but she was definitely raised to believe that#their way is the only way to be a True Elf and that the People have lost their way#that the only way they'll get the Creators to hear their prayers again is if they prove they haven't forgotten everything#and are 'true elves' whatever that means#which also something she has to challenge. like what does that even mean what does it look like etc#I'm veering off topic tho#everything circles back to the eluvian and how there is a I suppose religious motivation to her conviction#GOOD NIGHT see y'all tomorrow
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I dunno, Merrill's definitely sad to see the group break up, but at least for her, it felt necessary to move on. I'm trying to think how to word this . . . She's extremely confident in her knowledge and abilities, and she's struck out on her own to pursue what she believes in, but she's always lacked a certain . . . confidence perhaps. She takes a lot more shit than she should, but she is NOT a pushover and she WILL defend herself. But, she's always looking for someone to follow. Someone to back her. She lacks confidence in her interpersonal skills and ability to lead. She knows she's right; she doesn't doubt that for a moment. What she doubts is her ability to get others to listen to and support her. She feels alone and like she'll only be heard and taken seriously if her words are repeated by someone with more gravitas, whether that be Marethari or Hawke or someone.
What she learns throughout DAII and the aftermath is that, not only is her voice enough, but she can be for others what she needed. It kinda starts with being put in the role of hahren for the alienage. That like . . . "someone needs to raise their voice, someone needs to stand firm" and realizing that it was already her. She was already doing that. Also realizing that, like. She's not speaking for her alienage or, down the line, for her clan. Not in a domineering sense. She is speaking AS them. They are a collective voice distilled into her. It is not her will governing theirs, but their collective will channeled through her. I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but this is the leadership style that suits her, and it's one distinct from what Marethari taught her and what she saw in Kirkwall. They say leadership is lonely, being at the top is lonely. But, she is not at the top and she is not alone. They are all standing together, shoulder to shoulder. When she speaks, it is with their voice.
So leaving the group, leaving Kirkwall, coming into her own was always going to happen. Not that she would ever stop caring about them or want to fall out of contact with them [most of them, anyway], but she needed to spread her wings. Stop letting others speak for her and raise her own voice.
#OOC / HOLLY.#I think she also realizes YEARS down the line that being away from the group is better for her#at least certain members#again I love them they're my favs but they're kinda toxic lksjdhfg#interacting with some of them regularly was definitely a drain on her mental health and a shot to her confidence#she's like 'I would commit murder for this person and have more than once but I would not go to dinner with them'
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as I finally get around to reading Blue Wraith, I'd love to say Fenris' bitterness re: the dissolution of the group post-DAII is unwarranted where Merrill is concerned, but . . . it is. she cares about all of them, make no mistake, and she is the epitome of the Jade Rabbit who would throw herself on the flame to feed another. however, it's not like she and Fenris were especially chummy to begin with. on top of that, she has her own shit to worry about with the alienage and then a new clan. there is very little she would not do for the crew even years later, but lbr Hawke was the glue that held them together.
#OOC / HOLLY.#I maintain that the Kirkwall crew don't hate each other#but they're dysfunctional as hell and some of them definitely don't hang out voluntarily#they gotta have mutual friends around#does my heart break to hear Fenris say he feels used and abandoned? absolutely#do I think it's unrealistic for him to feel that way? nah it tracks#it would sting Merrill to hear it tbh and then give her a flush of anger#not like Anger anger but hurt anger y'know#not that anyone asked I just know vividly what her response would be SLKJDHG
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I gotta continue this pt but . . . She . . .
#OOC / HOLLY.#I forgot the Cassandra mod broke on this pt#seeing vanilla Cass in these caps is doing incalculable psychic damage to me
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every time i see Merrill listed as Nevarran on the wiki, I do a double take. yes technically I suppose it’s correct, but also —
#OOC / HOLLY.#but also it is Incorrect#I highly doubt Clan Alerion considers themselves Nevarran#and I highly doubt Nevarra considers them Nevarran#like yeah they live in the region labelled Nevarra on maps#but no one’s counting the Dalish as citizens#anyway as far as Merrill’s concerned she’s not Nevarran or Fereldan or Marcher / Kirkwaller#she’s Dalish. even when she integrates into Kirkwall’s alienage she thinks of herself as a Dalish living in Kirkwall#she loves her community but it’s not being a Kirkwaller that makes them her community to her mind y’know
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SLEEPING AT LAST: ENNEAGRAM STARTERS
a collection of lyrics from the Sleeping at Last Enneagram album. change & alter as needed.
“I believe that we can fix this.”
“I’m not saying ‘perfect’ exists in this life, but we’ll only know for certain if we try.”
“The list goes on forever of all the ways I could be better.”
“Sweetheart, you look a little tired. When did you last eat?”
“Come in and make yourself right at home. Stay as long as you need.”
“Tell me, is something wrong? If something’s wrong, you can count on me.”
“You know I’ll take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat.”
“I will love you with every single thing I have.”
“I will love you without any strings attached.”
“No, I don’t want to talk about myself.”
“Tell me where it hurts.”
“I just want to build you up until you’re good as new.”
“Maybe, one day, I will get around to fixing myself, too.”
“I just want to love you and love you and love you well. I just want to learn how, somehow, to be loved myself.”
“Maybe I’ve done enough.”
“This trophy isn’t real love. And with or without it, I’m good enough.”
“I finally see myself through the eyes of no one else.”
“I’m turning out the lights to remember how to see.���
“What if we already are who we’ve been dying to become?”
“I want to watch the universe expand. I want to break it into pieces small enough to understand.”
“I can’t put my mind to rest.”
“A white flag waves in the dark between my head and my heart.”
“Oh, god, I’m so tired of being afraid.”
“What would it feel like, to put this baggage down? If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I’d know how.”
“Maybe I’m stronger than I realize.”
“Trust that there will be light always waiting behind even the darkest of nights.”
“We’ll be okay. Don’t be afraid.”
“How nice it’d be if we could try everything.”
“I’m serious. Let’s make a list, and just begin.”
“Let’s climb this mountain before we cross that bridge.”
“It costs farewell tears for a welcome-home parade.”
“I’ll find the silver lining, no matter what the price.”
“It feels like I’m sinking when I’m standing in one place.”
“I’ve learned to travel light.”
“Tomorrow will be beautiful.”
“I grew up too quick.”
“I won’t let you in. I swore, never again.”
“I want to break these bones until they’re better.”
“All I want is to trust you.”
“I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut.”
“I am strong enough to let you in.”
“I’ve been less than half of myself for more than half of my life.”
“There’s so much worth fighting for. You’ll see.”
“I’m just trying to find myself through someone else’s eyes.”
“How do I forgive myself for losing so much time?”
“We were born to try.”
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A layer of Merrill’s dedication to restoring the eluvian is, for lack of a better word, religious. She says repeatedly that she will save her people — not only her clan but her people. This is what the Pride demon in Feynriel’s dream used to tempt her, the same as it tempted him. It’s easy to brush these comments off, but you have to remember a banter she has with Sebastian:
Our gods abandoned us long ago. They haven't answered our prayers since the fall of Arlathan. When we've proven that we're elves again, that we didn't lose everything, they'll come back to us.
This is the only time I can recall hearing something like this, that the Creators abandoned the world, and Merrill does also tell (to Hawke) the story of Fen’Harel’s betrayal. I’ve mentioned before that this implies the Evanuris had some contact with the world after the Veil was raised — or that people believed they did. Could have been fabricated or a case of seeing what you want to see. Regardless, Merrill has clearly bean raised on the belief that losing Arlathan led to losing that connection with the Creators and that they have to prove they “didn’t lose everything” to regain that. It’s no coincidence that Keepers were priests in the Dales and are still spiritual leaders.
So understand that when Merrill says regaining knowledge of the eluvians could save the People, those are not idle words. This is a monumental discovery and a stepping stone to more; Merrill tells us that every city in Elvhenan had an eluvian. If she is successful, it could earn the Creators’ favor. They might start answering prayers again. They might give aid to the People again. When she invokes Elgar’nan and Mythal, they might mete out punishment.
#FOUND IT#at some point she has a Last Unicorn moment with the Creators tho y'know if only in her heart#the whole 'where have you been? damn you where have you been?" from Molly Grue#'and what good is it to me that you're here now? where were you twenty years ago? ten years ago?'#'how dare you come to me now when I am this?'
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