thinking about Buddy Dawn meeting helio in the afterlife. thinking about buddy dawn asking helio why betral happens. thinking about him (possibly) waking up to kristen, cleric of doubt and uncertainty, chosen of his god , who still doubted the church anyways, reviving him. Thinking about him waking up with the light of twilight and suddenly realizing that none of his frenids nor his god ever had his back.

suddenly realizing that bad things happen to good people. suddenly understanding that when you live your life with blind faith, your afterlife is disappointing, and your "frenids" slit your neck open.

Thinking about him going home to his (probably) ultra religious family knowing that helio did not save him or warn him about the knife at his neck, and maybe even resenting kristen a little bit becuse maybe the chosen one of the church would have been warned. asking himself for the first time why helio did what he did. wondering if this life was worth it.

maybe buddy dawn suddenly knows that this isn't the life he wants. Maybe it takes a whole ark for him to realize it. Maybe he takes revenge out on the rat grinders. maybe he takes his frustration out on helio. maybe he leaves helio for cassandra, letting himself revel in doubt and mistery, allowing him to question "why?" for the first time in his whole life. Maybe he leaves helio for ARNKANA, allowing himself justified rage, and getting the justice he feels he desrves.

god. fuck man. buddy dawn, i hope you find peace no matter what. and i hope you also meet your god and go, "He kinda sucks tbh" and you and kristen bond over that.

i’m BACK!

a lil life update for all who care:

i loved and already miss the treatment center i was at. it was amazing love the staff love the clients.

i moved back in with my parents and no longer live in arizona

i’m going to a php (partial hospitalization program) for now and might be writing a bit more again :)

a quick little update for any of you who are concerned:

i’m okay. i’m doing okay. that’s all i can really ask for right now, seeing as i was released from an acute care behavioral health facility, so yeah.

i was released yesterday and am headed to a treatment center for mental health. i’m moving from arizona back to california for my recovery and will be gone for 1-3 months this time. i don’t know if i’ll have any access to the internet, just access to a phone, and i’m not allowed a cell phone. i’m taking time to focus on myself and when i come back i’ll be able to write cute and happy again lol

so yeah! that’s what’s going on. it’s overwhelming and stressful and aaaaaahhhh. might be on a little bit today, but after 2-3, i’ll be in treatment and officially signed off for a long ass time. i promise i’ll be back to watch so much d20 and catch up.

i have been crying for something like three hours on and off and we’re on our way to a psych ward so goodbye for 1-3 days ily guys i am alive and unwell

he’s everywhere

please spread this so that it can actually be funny instead of just 1 person voting

changing my pronouns? me? absolutely not.

they/she/he

someone tell me what to do with my gender panic other than impulse buying a binder and a big chop help

the way in all my old friend groups i’m The Bitch With Three Names is so cruel. old friend of a friend texted me and used my first name (wrong) then my old preferred name and i don’t want to talk to him so i’ll let him assume he has the wrong number instead of telling him that my name is actually a secret third option.

Anyone ever notice how similar Lydia Barkrock is to Gorgug? like just

Gorgug is a barbarian but is somehow the most gentle member of his party, the most thoughtful, easily the most in touch with his emotions. He only uses his rage to protect the people he cares about, his family is incredibly important to him, and his friends are family.

Lydia is another gentle giant. She is in a constant state of rage so she may protect her son (and the rest of the world). She is kind, she is nurturing she is a loving mother to Ragh and to everyone else who needs her. She also loved her party.

She and her friends set out to stop a fiend, to save the world. She’s clearly smart, even if she doesn’t have the classic knowledge that is associated with it she’s obviously intelligent. She didn’t need to know all the history, she had her friends for that. And then she was the last one standing, the only one alive, her friends were dead and she was holding the thing that killed them right next to her heart.

It makes me wonder if Gorgug could end up just the same. If the bad kids didn’t survive an adventure, he was left alone with his anger, his artificers instinct and a family to avenge. He uses his rage to protect people, he doesn’t like just lashing out, he makes machines so he can connect with loved ones, so he can understand the world. He’s so smart, but he doesn’t have to know all the history, he’s got Adaine and Riz for that, he doesn’t need to know about the way gods and the nine hells work, Kristen and Fig are right there. He doesn’t need to lead the Owlbears, Fabian his trusty captain will light the way.

What if they all were gone. And he was left,

a hole in his heart, an ache and a gentility not caused by an absence of anger, but by a deep deep understanding of it.

What does he do then? I think he does the only thing he can

after all

He’s Gorgug, he keeps going.

love the fact that aelwyn has stayed adaine’s bitch sister. blackmailed her way into a job at a middle school. probably doing some real sketchy shit at 5 am on a saturday. her sister says “i love you” and tries to take it back and she replies with “you’ve exposed your weakness to me”. aelwyn is a bitch in recovery, but she’s a bitch and i love her for it

reblog if you're part of crustacean nation hoot growl

the worst thing about being mentally i’ll is knowing i’m mentally ill. like i know the stars and my dead grandpa aren’t talking to me on tiktok but god was it helpful for the moment i believed it. anyways making a big girl to do list tonight and making the scary choices now. hate this. hate this vibe an extreme amount.