accounts-of-waylo-schmidtt
Somewhere In Finland…
The town of Peräjärvi is small. Population between fuck all and nobody. So it should be a quiet town, right?
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Driver Picks the Music, Shotgun Shuts Their Cakehole
[Tape Recording Starts]
Suski: Ugh, I didn’t think I’d be back here so soon.
Suski: So he picked me up the other day.
Suski: We drove around for a bit, but I didn’t like the music the radio was playing, so I just changed the station.
Suski: He gives me a weird look but he flips through the stations until he finds one he likes.
Suski: We drive for a few more minutes, but then the radio started playing a song I didn’t wanna listen to, so I changed the station.
Suski: He gives me another look and changes it.
Suski: He starts going faster. We’re just driving around on the highway and there’s no one around so I didn’t really care.
Suski: But I changed it again and he starts going faster, starts getting really mad.
Suski: I told him to slow down but he just kept driving like a freak!
Suski: We go back and forth for a few minutes, then the freaking idiot tries to leave me in the middle of nowhere!
Suski: I refused to get out of the car, so he started driving again, taking turns like a rally racer.
Suski: We started getting closer to town, so I started yelling at him to let me out, but he just kept driving, faster and faster.
Suski: Finally we get back to town, and he lets me out, but he has the fucking balls to punch me in the back of the head as I’m getting out!
Suski: Like, dude!?
[Tape Recording Ends]
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Reasonable Human Being
[Tape Recording Starts]
Suski: Ugh, I don’t even know where to start.
Suski: I guess I met him for the first time at Teimo’s bar.
Suski: I was with my boyfriend, uh…ex-boyfriend now, Jani.
Suski: Jani had his music blasting like always. When I saw Waylo walking towards us, I tried to get him to turn it down, but he didn’t listen.
Suski: Jani started insulting him so he…
Suski: He threw the car.
Suski: We landed in the trees right by the gas pumps.
Suski: Jani was out cold and I was scuffed up pretty bad. I was bleeding everywhere and I could barely keep my eyes open.
Suski: Waylo pulled me out of the car and took me home with him.
Suski: H-He didn’t do anything weird, he just…put me in his parent’s bed and let me rest.
Suski: I left a few hours later. He was working on his car so I just left him a note.
Suski: He’s nice.
[Tape Recording Ends]
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Can I Borrow This?
[Tape Recording Starts]
Toivo: Huh? What about my nephew?
Toivo: Oh.
Toivo: Whatever.
Toivo: Yeah, I gave him the keys to the Gifu.
Toivo: I lost my license for speeding, it’s not like I was using it.
Toivo: He’s a good kid. I trust him.
Toivo: Though the little shit showed up at my door, wildly pounding at my door like an animal.
Toivo: [Doing a mocking imitation of Waylo] Uncle!! Uncle!!
Toivo: Huh?
Toivo: No, I don’t know what he does with the truck. It’s a sewage truck. It sucks shit.
Toivo: It’s not like he can do anything illegal with it.
[Tape Recording Ends]
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A Ride Home.
[Tape Recording Starts]
Jouko: Huh?
Jouko: Why am I here?
Jouko: Waylo? Yeah I know him!
Jouko: I love that kid.
Jouko: He makes good kilju, shit’s so potent I still can’t feel my legs.
Jouko: Oh, I shouldn’t have told you that, huh?
Jouko: Shut up about it.
Jouko: He took me home from the bar the other day.
Jouko: He pulls up in his old little Ruscko.
Jouko: It’s comfy.
Jouko: He drove me home in ten minutes!
Jouko: How fast was he going? Uhhhh…….some…ninety kilometers an hour or something.
Jouko: Good kid, good kid…
[Tape Recording Ends]
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Grocery Shopping
[Tape Recording Starts]
Teimo: So I just-? Okay.
Teimo: Well, where do I start?
Teimo: The store opens at ten in the morning. The hours have been stated on the window since my father owned it.
Teimo: But somewhere in his alcohol-logged brain, Waylo decides it’s best to show up several hours before I even get there.
Teimo: So I’m on my bike, I just had breakfast, I’m still waking up, and who do I see by the gas pumps with a shitty old Ruscko? Waylo fucking Schmidtt. I think he got it from that recluse outta town.
Teimo: But he watches me go in, all the while calling out my name like a maniac.
Teimo: He doesn’t follow me in, no no no.
Teimo: When I make it to the counter, he shoves his goddamn head through the wall. He demands I give him gas.
Teimo: Of course I give it to him, he pays for my dinner, but what the fuck?
Teimo: Then he goes and clears my shelves of chips and sausages, and eats half of it out in the parking lot.
Teimo: Buys four cases of beer.
Teimo: He’s nineteen.
[Teimo sighs and shakes his head.]
[Tape Recording Ends.]
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Suomi, Finland, 1976. Waylo was born.
In the year 1995, he finds himself in Peräjärvi, Finland. With his parents out of town for who knows how long, our intrepid antihero Waylo Schmidtt is left to care for himself. He’s got sewer wells to pump, a Satsuma to build, and a town to burn to the goddamn ground.
The people of Peräjärvi, however, have grown used to Waylo’s antics. From the local store owner to the town drunkard, Waylo has roots everywhere; which means whether they want it or not, the people of Peräjärvi are always, somehow, involved. These are their experiences.
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