“If I only could, I’d make a deal with god and I’d get him to change our places.”🙏👼🕊

Day 4: It Only Gets Harder

Today I woke up hopeful. I usually go out after work. Well, no- I always go out after work. But I didn’t last night. I made a goal and I’m sticking to it. Maybe even my husband will want to be around me again. Oh no, he had other things to say to me today. I was informed that everyone hates me. Everyone. I. can’t change my past and I can’t change that I’ve abused substances for so long. My insecurities get the best of me and I just don’t stop- that is until everyone gets sick of me. I try to make a change and single myself out- to take myself off social media and be alone but it all backfires. My husband has himself so set on thinking that I’ve cheated on him that he’ll keep on pressing me for an answer that isn’t there. I’m trying to make it and be a better person but I’m surrounded by hatred. I don’t know if I have it in me anymore. I just don’t see the point anymore. I want to start over or just make it stop. I’m tired of being me. Maybe I never belonged anywhere.

God help me, I don’t know what to do or how to make this ache go away. Maybe I’ll have a better tomorrow. Maybe I’ll have a tomorrow

Just. Maybe.

I Hope You’re Somewhere Praying

Day 3. Yesterday, I wanted to give up- to concede to this battle. That is my struggle; to find a reason to keep drudging on. Why? Why on earth do we have to keep going through the motions? Day after day, I’m in constant fear of falling. Of failing to be a decent person. Of being whole and put together. My mind doesn’t seem to always work as it should- or does it? My husband hates me- I have no ‘friends’ and my family. . .well that’s a whole different story. My heart aches and I try to turn a blind eye to it. I’ve taken to hiding- I’m actually quite good at it; I always have been. My ex once told a boy I was dating that if he didn’t run he was a fool. That I’d only leave as soon as he tried to get close. She was right, damn her. I’ve taken down my social media, changed my phone number and I’m trying desperately to be a better wife. Unfortunately, my habits have me up till all hours. I’m afraid to be left alone with my thoughts so I never want to be sober. I never want the ‘party’ to end. Of course, this has my spouse thinking I’m cheating on him. Wonderful. Ironically, the only horrid thing I think I haven’t done in life is cheat on someone. He can’t say the same- which is probably why that’s where his mind goes. I’m not upset about that, we all have our downfalls (obviously) As I said, I’m a runner. If I want to leave- I just leave. But, this foolish broken thing is in love and wants to be mended for once. So, I’ll keep fighting my fight and hope he doesn’t want to throw me away. All I can do is give it my all. I can’t say I’ve truly done that in quite some time.

I’m simply not the best version of myself and I find that unacceptable. That thought blazes through my mind every waking moment. But I find myself willingly blind to that notion all too often. I can’t recall the last time I was sober for more that two days at a time. I started drinking (heavily) 16 years ago. I was 15. One thing lead to another- life happened. I’ve been unsatisfied ever since. Nothing is ever good enough. ‘I’ am never good enough. Perhaps that’s because I don’t really know who the hell I am. How could I? I’ve wasted years locking myself in with my sorrows. Drowning both. Funny, I’ve spent so much time making excuses for my misery that I never really allowed myself to think of the ‘why’ and an alternative. The hardest person to care for is myself. It takes courage to face the memories, the demons and whatnot that have remained submerged all this time. But I am ready to find out who I’m meant to be. Let’s do this. Day One. -Shannon

Take on Me. . .

Hey. Its been a while. I’m sorry I disappeared, but I seem to have gotten lost. . .somewhere. It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with fitting the mold most of my life- but I never thought I’d slip in to the category of ‘addict’. Well, for the past decade- that’s where I have resided. Casually knocking back shots, bottles- heck save the glass ‘this wine is already in a bottle’. I’m Scott-Irish, this liver can handle the abuse! Ha! Yeah, well, ha indeed. The joke’s on me. I watched as my coworkers advanced, my friends went on to move out of town to have families and careers of their own and I’d wind up dancing until my heel broke or passed out nearly choking on my own vomit. If it hadn’t been for a roommate waking up (TWICE) to the sound of me drowning in bile- I’d probably be dead before the age of 24(ish)- I’m in my 30’s now. Pretty picture, isn’t it? Sure, I had an odd upbringing, a boyfriend that committed suicide, battles with depression and god knows what other kinds of screws loose in this head- but not even my sick sense of humor could save me from the truth. I had become everything I hate and I slipped so far into this cycle that it became who I was. The silly alcoholic. I lost everything I cared about- hobbies, passions, people, my self respect and eventually mind. I pulled it together for a while and then went back at it again during the pandemic. I’m posting this to hold myself accountable (I’m probably the only one on here) And maybe to spread awareness. If I don’t change, I’ll lose not only my husband but my life. And for heck’s sake, I’m not done fighting yet 🤨😤😓😪

I’m a week sober and trying again. So bear with me, please. Be well darlings 💜🦋💜

Got busy and skipped lunch (whoops) The hubs and I cheated on our diet. . .already 😅

Dinner 6:02pm 6/22/21

Nachos w/ cheese 346 calories

Sour cream 50 calories

Water 0 calories

TOTAL: 451 calories

Tuesday 6/22/21 9:48am

I’m no Instagram photographer (or whatever the term is) but here’s breakfast 😎 😋

3 egg whites- 51 calories

1/8 yellow pepper- 12 calories

1/8 tomato- 3 calories

Tabasco- 0 calories

1 banana- 105 calories

1 cup whole milk- 150 calories

2 servings of Jim’s Organic Coffee- 4 calories

TOTAL: 326 calories

Side note:

144.2lbs

This blog is intended to be my personal space to keep track of my goals. I’m not sure if anyone else will find/read it- but if so, I hope it proves useful. I’m in my 30’s, recently married and looking to start a new chapter. A healthier chapter- physically, mentally and financially.