The second time you left me was probably the worst. We were close and I knew I loved you. I knew your routine. I knew you.

I waited for a good morning text when it never came I got worry. My mom said I should call around to the hospitals and I did but you weren’t there. I was scared. It was only a few hours but I knew this wasn’t you. I knew you wouldn’t leave me..

I saw your brother make a post on twitter praying for you to get better. I had never talked to him at this point but I needed to know you were okay. I messaged him and he called me.

he told me about what happened. He told me you were sent to a place. He told me that I was the only person you were worried about and told him to reach out to me. I think you loved me too. he asked me if I wanted to visit and I said yes.

after school a few days later, I drove to their house and we drove to see you. I wished you didn’t have to experience this, I wished I could have helped you. But I was young, I didn’t know how to help people. I wish they would make you better and could help heal your pain. I knew you were hurting.

they made me lock everything in a locker. The walls were white and the floors were grey. Everything was muted. How can a person get better in a place with no life. They asked if you were okay, and to tell the doctors you were okay so you can leave them place. I sat there quiet.

they let us spend time together alone. I was happy we could be alone. We talked and we kissed but only for a minute. Then I had to leave.

They let you out a week later. You told me you were leaving, and you moving down south to be with your mom. Selfishly I didn’t want you to leave but I knew it would be better.

we found a dog on Craigslist. He would stay at my house some days. I remember I went to the apple orchard and you didn’t want to come because you didn’t want to leave the dog. I bought you apple pie.

your brother and I tried to plan a going away party. I wanted to buy you a gift, something that will help your photography. My mom took me to Best Buy and I decided on a tripod. You stop coming by, I think you were mad at me for wanting to leave the dog at home. Your mom came to town and you left.

I loved you and you left me without saying goodbye.

I knew my heart was yours when I let you back the second time. I had moved on for real this time. I had meet two guys that were great.

One guy worked in the mall with me, so we’ll take breaks together or go to the gym after work. I would pretend to workout. I invited him to celebrate my birthday with me and we went to Dave & busters. He met my family and we played games all night. When it was over her drove me home. We sat in the car and he told me about the girl he loved and I told him about you. We were two people in love with other people sharing this moment together.

we went into my room and we laid in bed. He kissed me and I kissed him back.. for a moment I forgot about you. I thought maybe I could really move on.. we ultimately became friends. I trusted him because he knew how it felt to love someone you couldn’t e with..

the second guy, it was easy. I thought it was crazy how quickly we connected. We were both into fashion so we would do the same things together. He also wanted me to be his muse - like you. He wanted to paint me naked with gold paint. He posted me on his social media and it made girls jealous. I would get hate comment on pictures and then they would be deleted. He would tell me about how everyone thought I was his girlfriend. But I didn’t belong to him.

we would just vibe together. We went to Halloween parties together and I spent thanksgiving day with him. He was the first guy that didn’t have any issues. I liked that about him. Our kiss didn’t give me sparks though.. and I would text you while I was with him.

All it took was a public apology on Instagram for me to give in. You posted a picture of us and the caption reclaimed my heart. I remember reading this message over and over.. showing my friends. I remember how special it made me feel that you compared our love to a song. I like that about you. I like how open you were with your feeling and emotions. How you could be vulnerable about things with me. I like the way you were with words.

I ended it with both guys because of this… but they never really had a chance because I was already yours.

It’s crazy how fast thing can change between us. A few weeks ago I watch tears fall as a walked away. I know ended it and I know we agreed it was over but my heart was still yours. It was hard watching you with someone else.

But you didn’t love her, not like you loved me. It what I told myself while you took couple pictures near Cinderella castle. She didn’t know you like I we knew each other.

The first time you told me about her. You told me how she was better than me. You told me all the things she did that I didn’t. I was not freaky enough for you but she gave you head in the front seat. She worshiped you and I was selfish.

I had my secrets. I had my trust broken by you far too many times. But I would have if you have me more time.

For a moment, I believed it. I believe she was better than me. I would scroll through her Instagram and compare myself to her. I would cringe at the site because she was boring. That’s what I told myself, she had to try harder to get what I had.

The next time you talk about her. You told me she couldn’t make you cum. I loved that. I loved that she could not make you finished. I knew she was boring.

part of our charm was the toxicity. The constant self destruction. The numerous heartbreak. The back and forth. I loved that about us.

You asked me to be your girlfriend on Christmas Eve. We were in the car going to your family house. I say yes of course because well at this point I knew I loved you.

we sat on the couch together and played with our noses. You make me laugh and it makes you smile. I think we finally figured it out this time. Through all the ups and down, we had finally ended up together. After the holiday, we took a bus back down to your city. I wished you were lived close but I was happy you were mine. Even if we had a few hundred miles between us, this time I knew we would work.

the bus ride was long, I would fall asleep on your shoulder and we would talk for hours. When we finally made it, my god dad picked us up and we went back to his place. He made you sleep in the basement with the boys. And in the morning took you out to hoop. I remember missing you through the night, because I crave you near me in my sleep. I remember thinking you left in the morning without saying goodbye.

when you came back I was happy. We were finally happy, finally at our best. You eventually went back home and I stay with my family for a few days. But New Years Eve came and I was spending the day with you.

We spent the day in the city. We took the train downtown. We road the Ferris wheel and we ate food. We went back to your place.

we fucked. It was amazing. I was so connected to you emotionally that the physical connection was insane. We cuddle and fell asleep together. The plan was to go back out and enjoy the new year but I really just wanted to stay in the bed together like this forever.

we posted a picture, I didn’t think I ever smiled this big. I was so in love.

leaving was hard. You drove me to the airport and we ate Chinese food from the food court. We placed chop sticks in our mouth and we looked like walruses. We were a couple of weirdo in love.

I hated you. I hated you for leaving me. I hated you for making me fall for you. I hate me for allowing you to have this much of an impact on me.

I moved on. I tried to move on. I tried to like other guys. I would go to the club and I would leave with numbers. I would wake up the next morning and not remember any other them. I text back. I tried with one guy. He was nice. He was older, he had a car. We would hang out. We would make out on the front porch. Or at his place. We never went to far.. but I didn’t like it so I ended it.

I didn’t like any of them the way I liked you. It’s been weeks since you came over. Weeks since we talked.

I was working when my mom called the store phone and told me you were picking me up. I was pissed, I was too proud to say I wanted you to come back. I didn’t want you to want me anymore, I had moved on.

I dreaded walking out the mall, when I saw you standing there with yellow roses. I caved. It was easy to say I hated you when you were far away from me. But I fell for you and I would forgive you a million and one times if it meant I could have you close to me again.

we talked. We took the long way home. All was forgiven.

you were still dating her. The girl who I thought was more important than me. The girl you left me for.. she still had a part of you that i didn’t have. We would sit on my bed together and you would tell me that whenever you fucked her, you thought of me.

we had never been together at this point. Only kisses. But the thought of you feeling her thinking about me made me feel uneasy. It should only be me. I asked you why.. why stay with someone when you want to be with someone else.

a few weeks later. I gave myself to you. It was after another party. I hated going to these parties. I hated being away from you. I hated that I couldn’t combine my friendship with my best friend with the guy I wanted to spend all my time with together. I wished you two liked each other.

I came home after the party, where I had to pretend to be interested in these people I didn’t know. Pretend to have conversations and let these guys flirt with me. I wasn’t yours. But when you came over and the house was empty. I wanted to feel all of you and I couldn’t resist it anymore. I wanted you to remember why I was important to you and you couldn’t replace me with her. I wanted you to end it.

We would text a lot at this point. It was always the weird thing that made me laugh. I would sit in the class when you would ask me “If flies fly. do elephant elephant?” I would try keep from smiling because there really wasn’t anything funny about X and Y chromosomes.

You told me you were coming to my school to visit. Your brother knew a girl and there was a party. It was our first in person interaction. I don’t think I was nervous probably because I didn’t think I would fall in love with you. You were just another guy.

you were suppose to come over after the party but you didn’t.. I stayed up a little bit but you didn’t make it. I wasn’t bummed because I didn’t think nothing of it. To me you were a guy that I found attractive that sometimes made me laugh.

you came the next morning. we drew pictures and had my roommates guess who the better artist was.. it was the little innocent moments together that made me like you. It was the fact that you could ask me those random questions that had no purpose but made you think.. that you were come over at 8 in the morning to draw pictures with me. I like that.. I liked you.

I walked with you to the entrance for you to go and you asked me for a kiss. We kissed. Then you asked me how I felt about being called “my bitch” and when I said I like it.. I knew it was end game.

It always amazed me how small such a big city was, how the world around us connected. That a group of people can all be connected from different groups of people to become one group. That’s what this night reminds me of… what almost seemed like an ordinary night turns out to be some much more than just a random group of people.

I had invited you. I don’t think we hung too much prior to this day, and this was the day we learned a birthdays were a day a part. Sometimes, I think we were too much a like because we both were born during the same moon cycle. Sometimes, I think it’s why we got along so well and why we clash just as easily.

So my best friend and I were frequent hookah bar goers, we basically went every weekend. I invited a friend from school who brought his girlfriend. She had invited her 2 sisters and one of the was already friends with my best friend.

you met us at the parking structure with your brother after we left the bar. A little gem in the city that the world around us didn’t know about.. this rooftop was our little piece of escape. We could lay on the turf on a cool summer night, near the river in between the city lights. It amazed me how this rooftop went unnoticed to the world. But it was our spot

I think I knew I could love you then. Because even in midst of a group of people, I felt connected to you. We sat there all night. Just a group of strangers all connected talking about life, love.

A few weeks later, I invite you out again same crowd wanting to recreate that night. I was surprised when said you were already invited. That you were dating the other sister. I never knew how it happened, I thought to question it. But you weren’t mine so I just said “ok, I’ll see you there”

I remember telling my best friend and we were both surprised.

you never showed that night. I sat across from the sister and I felt bad because she looked upset. I hope you didn’t change your mind because it would be awkward with two girls who were into you. I didn’t know I loved you then.

You came back for me. After all the drama, you came back and although I was hurt. I let you back in because that was our thing. We love hard, then we took a break but you came back. I had decided to give you another chance after we broke up, because I love you and all the flaws. We were still going to spend the summer together like we planned. If I could forgive you for cheating, we can move on and after I finished school we could be together.

we could get a loft or stay in a box but I was happy if we were together.

You came back to help me drive down there for the summer. I suppose to get my car looked at before leaving but I didn’t know what I was doing. I thought it was fine.

when you arrived I was happy because it’s been a while since we last saw each other. We laid in bed and our bodies were so close to connecting as it was familiar for yours hands to touch me. Our temperature rinsed and the room became warmer. I climb on top of you and looked in your eyes. I begin to cry, because when I looked at you all I saw was you staring back at another girl. All I could think about was how your hands touch her body and you gave yourself to another.

I kept telling myself I was okay, but I wasn’t. I knew I loved you. I knew I loved you enough to forgive you. But I was hurt, again. I don’t know if I was ready to forgive but I was so scared to lose you for a third time.

We wanted to go to California together, just for a trip. I’ve always wanted to go LA. I even took the time off work, but we never ironed out the details. As the days got closer, we both realize it wasn’t happening.

You had decided to go to New York instead, with your cousins. Said it was a boys trip so I couldn’t go.. it was fine.

We always spent time together, you were my best friend. We had drove to your family house and hung with your cousins. They asked if I was coming to New York, and I was confused because you had said it was a boys trip. It was, but they invited me. I declined.

This day, you told me I was important to you. You told me the meaning behind your tattoo. You made me feel special. I think loved you then. But I couldn’t understand how a person could love someone and hate them at the same time.

It wasn't because of the trip, I didn’t care that you wanted to spend a boys weekend. It was because that night, you told me you didn’t want to see me anymore. I was confused because how can I be important to you and you just abandon me with a text message.

you didn’t even bother to call or answer my calls. You just ignored me.

I saw you on Snapchat with another girl, and truthfully it hurt. I wasn’t your girlfriend. We never even talked about it.. I’m not sure if I even wanted to be it. But I felt like I was dropped for a another girl who I’m guessing was more important than me.

I didn’t care that you liked her. I didn’t care that you wanted to be together. I just didn’t like how you told me I was important to you and made me feel like nothing. I spazzed.

I think you brought the crazy out of me. Maybe that’s why our connection seemed exciting, because only you could make me send 100+ text back to back. I saw you with her, and I wanted you to know I was pissed. Again, it wasn’t the girl, I was hurt. I wanted you to be angry too out of spite. Because how could you, sit there happy with her while I was in my room crying.

when you finally texted back all you said to me was “I’m going to block you.”

Then you left for New York. I watched your stories, I was pissed when I saw you wearing my headphones. I was pissed that a part of me was in New York, while you text your new girlfriend and I sat there watching.

I took a walk, and found a wooded area and just sat on the rocks until I blocked it all out. Until I convinced myself that you can’t love & hate someone at the same time. He couldn’t love me because he left. I couldn’t love someone who didn’t think twice to hurt me.

and so I moved on.. or at least I tried.

I had block your number, because that’s what you do when you “move on” from an ex. I sat in class, and when your message came across the screen I thought it was a sign of fate. I thought this was suppose to happen because somehow you found a way to message me.

you wanted to talk and I agree. Again, I would have done anything you asked.

I was sitting in the McDonald’s parking lot, during a break between classes when I unblock your number. I didn’t really get a word in.. but I remember the conversation.

You said to me. The people around you told you “either get over her or call her” and you called me.

Idk if you took the right advice. Maybe I interpreted it differently because I wish you would have told me that you still loved me. I would have pretended to be angry, pretended to tell you I moved on.. I would have cried and told you not to do this again, because you left me too many times and I couldn’t keep doing this. I would have told you I loved you too.

But you told me, you hated me.

…and i had to let you go.

I went the whole summer thinking we were getting back together and somehow completely forgot the part where you said you didn’t want to.. all summer I thought we were working on us but instead we were just friends, with benefits.

This made things weird. After finally taking some time apart partly due to the fact, my family was in town and I was working when we finally hung out it was awkward. We went to the park to talk and we literally just talked. I remember not knowing if we should even hug each other - maybe you thought it would give me mixed signals. But after the second rejection, I think I understood.

I had one last week in the city and I was going back home. I told my job I was leaving earlier so when could spend the week together and because you wanted to work on a project. I loved and hated this week because again, I was fighting these mixed feeling of being emotionally and physically drawn to a person but knowing it was the end.

I would have never admitted this back then, but I would have done anything for you.

Anyways, we took a trip to the beach. The project was a video that you wanted to have multiple videos and we would record over the few days. We took my jeep and prolly an extra 3-4 hours to get there because we stopped so many times along the way.

If people were around, they would have thought we were two crazy kids in love. We were, at least I think so but we were also two crazy kids scared to love each other ultimately deciding to not be together.

it was so awkward because we were so intimate on this trip. I tried to not think anything each time your lips met mine. I tried to think it was just transactional and we were only doing this for the video because you didn’t love me this way.. anymore. A week ago, you couldn’t hug me. A week ago, you didn’t want more.

But when your eyes met mine, and you hands touched me, my body remembered as much as my mind tried to forget. My heart remember, because I would always love you.

The worst part of this trip was that neither of us opened up about it. I did what you asked, when the camera was rolling and I block everything else out when it was off. The only time you touch me was while the camera was rolling and sat in agony when the cameras were off.

But we were best friends. We sat on the beach and enjoyed each other company. We went to a restaurant and you order shark. We watch a movie in my jeep and slept through the night. I was happy just to be near you.

In the morning, the atmosphere changed. I could feel your anxiety and the agony you felt throughout the night.

I remember you asking me if I had met someone else and I thought it was weird because I happily stayed at your place for hours waiting for you get off work. I remember it being weird because you told me you didn’t want to be together. It was weird because I had only spent my summer here to be with you.

after your confession, the rest of the week went great. We were connected again and I think that only made the last time we saw each other harder.

We stood in front of your house and you held me so close, when you finally pulled away there were tears. I didn’t think it would be our goodbye. I didn’t think it would be the last time I see your face. I guess, I knew all along that it was an end but never really thought it was ours. I thought we would always find our way back to each other.

Fear, she forgets how much he loves her. She didn’t.. but he definitely forgot how much he loved her.

Yes, I would still like to f*ck you.

I remember the day I realize l was in love with you. It was the day I realized I didn’t want to go to sleep without you. We had been getting closer, and it was going great.

It was my best friend birthday and she was having a party at a club and we weren’t even old enough to get in but she knew the owner. I remember wishing I didn’t have to go because I didn’t want to leave you. The party it sucked. I tried to spend the time having fun but I just wanted to be home with you.

After the party, I called you. It was my first thought while sitting in the car outside the club. I called you and you didn’t answer. I was a little disappointed but it was late. But in that moment I realize I didn’t want to go to sleep without you.

Sometimes, just sometimes I look back on my old relationships. I don’t know why I do it.. it doesn’t solve anything.. it doesn’t bring me comfort.. I just reflect. Sometimes I wonder if I need closure. Sometimes I wonder why I let so many toxic things continue, or if I’m making the right decision.. like we’re we actually soul mates.

I have comfort, trust and I’m happy. So often I feel like it’s moments of self sabotage creeping up trying to make my life difficult.

I’ve loved many since my last post. Each of them differently… which I also think makes life confusing. Because one guy, it was lust. Definitely I was young, I was attracted to him and we had great sex. Another guy, we were so similar, we liked the same things and we dealt with things similar so we clashed but it felt passionate. We connected and we were open about our emotions. We were best friends that sometimes needed a break. Then there’s the guy that changed me or wanted me to changed.. it hard because I let myself be manipulated and believed I was less than to please him. He was charming. I fell hard for his smile. All of them cheated.

Sometimes. I question the idea of monogamy. I question rather we should only love 1 person at time. I question how selfish it is to want 1 person to satisfy all your desires. I question how selfish it is to sacrifice those desires for a person. I question rather I feel this way because I have been cheated on by multiple men.

I question rather I was actually a good girlfriend. But then I say fuck them. Because were they a good boyfriend? Did they offer me anything besides good dick. Idk.

Sometimes, I wish I continued to write this long fucking love story.

Standing Still

I'm holding on to your demons, as if they were protecting me from life. I'm holding to memories, as if they may one day come alive. I'm fighting away my feelings from everyone, just trying to keep a flame burning.. That is Slowly meant to die. Im lost going down a trail of the past, as if I could rewind time. I'm stuck in a unstable state of mind, refusing to believe the lie. I just can't get over you and I... And it's killing me inside. -🌺

Destiny 💕

I was forced to wait for something I knew nothing about... Just roaming in a field of roses.. Glancing at the clouds. I was destined to find a life of happiness, just wandering through the fields letting the earth have me. It was fate that found a love so precious, allowing my heart to be bare and allowing you to see me naked. Fully clothed. But all my feeling, truths and secrets were told.. I let you love me. I let me love you.. It was the earth. The windy breezes through the fields that brought chills to my skin. The warm sun that kept me feeling safe and the rain to wash away fear.. But dear. When you touch me, I felt as though nothing else in the world could ever make me feel so pure. Mother Nature had a way with my mind and body.. But you controlled my soul. You owned my heart.. And I fell hopelessly..

#passion #love #poetry #quote