a-bit-loud
A lot Loud?
Conversations with Myself and other Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) related things.
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The Void: C̸o̸m̷e̸.̸ ̵L̷e̵t̴'̸s̷ ̸t̷a̶l̷k̵.̷
Lilium: Nah.
Khaos: Nope.
Orchard: -shakes their head-
Little Orchard: -hides-
The Void: B̵u̸t̵ ̸y̶o̴u̴'̸r̷e̴ ̷f̴a̷l̷l̸i̸n̸g̸ ̵a̴p̴a̵r̷t̶.̶ ̵C̷a̷n̶'̶t̴ ̷y̷o̴u̷ ̵f̵e̷e̴l̶ ̵i̷t̸?̵ ̸S̶l̵o̴w̶l̵y̴ ̵I̶'̵l̴l̸ ̶g̸a̴i̸n̶ ̵c̴o̴n̶t̶r̴o̴l̷.̴ ̴I̸t̸'̷s̴ ̷o̵k̶.̵ ̸Y̸o̸u̷'̸l̵l̷ ̵f̸o̸r̸g̷e̴t̵.̸ ̸Y̶o̷u̶ ̵w̸o̵n̸'̵t̵ ̸f̴e̸e̴l̴ ̶a̴ ̶t̶h̶i̷n̵g̵.̶ -laughs-
Lilium: -covers their ears, on the verge of tears- Please stop. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happ-
The Void: W̸h̸o̶ ̴a̷r̶e̴ ̶y̵o̸u̶ ̸t̵r̵y̴i̷n̵g̷ ̵t̶o̴ ̸c̷o̶n̸v̶i̵n̴c̴e̸?̴
Side Note: I'm having a hard time. I cant sleep. I'm stressed. I worked hard for my stability and it's falling apart so easily...
#dissociative personality disorder#mental illness#fear#suicidal#personalities#personal project#tumblr project
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Khaos: Ya know... having this girlfriend is kinda weird.
Lilium: Huh? I'm adjusting just fine. You ok?
Orchard: She's friends with our ex and LIKES her.
Khaos: Almost as we're just a place holder...
Lilium: I'm ignoring that. She already reassured us that that wasn't the case... we all like her. We need to trust her.
Orchard: How can you say that when you arent sure yourself? You're scared of everyone.
Lilium: -sarcasm- Thanks...
Side Note: Yea... my love life is a tad complicated...
#personal project#dissociative personality disorder#mental illness#tumblr project#negative thoughts#Love Life#Love
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Orchard: Looks like I'm driving. We get to see our Crush today. I like her a lot.
Khaos: Clearly. You can't stop talking to her and you don't talk to anyone.
Orchard: -shoots a dirty look at K-
Lilium: Stop teasing them Khaos. You just want to drive so she'll kiss you.
Khaos: -blushes deeply- I have NO idea what you're talking about...
Orchard: Of course you don't, you sexual degenerate.
Side note: We really do like her a lot. My ex got jealous by how much Orchard spoke to our crush versus how much Orchard spoke to her. It was... interesting...
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Khaos: I want my own Facebook Profi-
Lilium: No.
Khaos: But think of all the fu-
Lilium: I said no. Do you really think it'll be received well? Remember that people think we're crazy enough as it is.
Khaos: Alright... Whatever...
Orchard: -shakes their head- Despite the sound reasoning, you've been listening to The Void again.
The Void: -snickering-
Lilium: I dunno... -fidgeting- Sometimes... they seem so reasonable...
Side note: Yes. The Void has been making sense lately and I'm concerned about it.
#Dissociative Identity Disorder#DID#Tumblr Project#Personal Project#Negative Thoughts#Personalities#Mental Illness
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Lilium: We didnt abandon this. Promise. Things just got real hard real fast.
Khaos: We're still doing this?!
Orchard: -shrugs-
Little Orchard: More?
Lilium: Yes, Hunny, more. We gotta work it out somehow. Remember. Out of our brain, into the outlet.
Little Orchard: OK. -sighs and continues coloring-
Orchard: So... -looks up from their doodling- You think this will help?
Lilium: Its a hope.
The Void: -laughs- H̸e̵l̶p̷?̵ ̴T̴o̵ ̷k̴e̶e̶p̴ ̷m̴e̵ ̵q̸u̷i̴e̶t̵?̵ ̸I̸ ̸w̵i̴l̵l̴ ̸w̶i̵n̴,̷ ̴y̷a̸ ̴k̴n̷o̶w̷.̴ ̶I̶ ̸w̶i̸l̵l̴.̴.̶.̷
Lilium: See? Annoying. Gotta keep that in check.
The Void: -laughs-
Side Note: Things have gotten really hard lately. I got a new job. I moved into a new space. I've made new friends and lost some important ones. Through all of this I've had to maintain a certain level of functionality and I'm having a hard time.
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Khaos: Why do you think you're so depressed lately? Take a wild fucking guess...
Lilium: Because life is har-
Khaos: ITS CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN TAKING YOUR MEDS DUMBASS!!
Little Orchard: -flinches-
Lilium:...
Khaos: And you're supposed to be the productive one...
#personalities#tumblr project#dissociative personality disorder#personal project#mental illness#medication#DID#yelling
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Conversations with Myself: On giving "Mother" a phone call
Orchard: We didn't yell or argue or fight...
Little Orchard: -trembling with fear- We are gonna get in trouble.
Khaos: She's too far away for us to get in trouble. It's ok. Well be ok.
Lilium: Yes. Well be ok. Trust me. You've got to trust me.
Little Orchard: But... she's scary...
Lilium: I know Love. I know.
Side note: We did call her. It was fine.
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Conversations with Myself: On Social Battery
Lilium: I'm tired. We have to deal with enough people at work and you still wanna go out?
Khaos: Yes! I'm bored with our life. Let's spice it up. Let's go hang out!
Little Orchard: I wanna see people. Outside is fun!
Lilium: But I'm so tired. -is on the train riding to a BBQ-
#dissociative identity disorder#mental illness#personal project#tumblr project#DID#Social Battery#Introvert#Ambivert
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Conversations with Myself: On Random Encounters
Dude: Come dance with me.
Lilium: No. I'm leaving.
Him: Alright. Let me drive you home.
Khaos: No...
Him: Can I least get your number?
Khaos: -more annoyed now- No. I said no. You keep asking me. This is the last time I'm telling you.
Him: Are you serious?
Khaos: Yes I'm fucking serious. -pushes past him and walks away-
Lilium/Khaos: You've got to be kidding me. He's been watching me all night, he told me. Then decides to be aggresive with me? Not happening...
Orchard: Yea... no... He seemed desperate.
Khaos: Idiot.
Lilium: -takes a deep breath-
Side note: This happened last night at a party. As well as 3 women fighting over as chance to dance with me. Our social battery is really low.
#dissociative identity disorder#mental illness#personal project#tumblr project#DID#Social Battery#People
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Conversations with Myself: On Dwelling and Self Importance
Khaos: PRETENTIOUS?! Are you fucking kidding me? Excuse me for doing the best I can to help someone.
Lilium: K, really. Calm down. I'm just as aggravated as you are but you can't let it run your whole day.
Orchard: -sucks their teeth- Whatever.
Lilium: You KNOW I'm right.
Khaos: Yes. Yes I know. But what the actual fuck is wrong with people? Is trying my best to help someone Self Important? Are we really feeding our own ego?
Lilium: ... are we? I've been told we can be selfish...
Khaos: Hate that word. "Mother" used it whenever it wanted us to feel bad.
Lilium: Yes, I know... I know... but our intentions were not selfish. That fact does not makes the act inherently not selfish, it just shifts the facts a little.
Khaos: Whatever. I'm done.
Side Note: Our therapy is currently not making sense in terms of what we do and how others react. I'm a bit lost but I'll figure it out I guess.
#dissociative identity disorder#mental illness#personal project#tumblr project#Dwelling#Pretentious#Selfish#DID
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"Mother": You're defiant. You never listen to me. You're selfish.
Khaos: SUP BITCHES!!
Side Note: That's how Khaos came to be. Like... almost exactly like that.
#dissociative identity disorder#DID#tumblr project#personal project#Mental Illness#creation#beginning
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Conversations with Myself: On dating and New Relationship Energy
Lilium: She likes us. And so does he. And that guy too.
Khaos: Yes. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. We went from no one to all these seemingly healthy people who want us. They don't know about "us" though. Are you gonna tell them?
Lilium: .....no
Orchard: Isn't that lying? Isn't that omitting the truth?
Lilium: It is but they will run... No one will love me if they find that "me" is really "us"...
Khaos: That's low...
Lilium: I know.
Side Note: I don't tend to tell people. It's too hard.
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We had a date last night and Khaos decided that they would drive. It went well.
#dissociative identity disorder#mental illness#personal project#tumblr project#date night#DID#Feeling Myself
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Conversations with Myself: On Absence and Solitude.
Lilium: Where have y'all been?
Khaos: Don't be so dependent. We were off dicking around in your memories somewhere.
Lilium: CLEARLY! I remembered things I didn't want to. Even today.
Orchard: -shrugs- They are important.
Lilium: -stressed- Not right now they aren't. It interferes with my ability to function.
Little Orchard: I 'membered why I came. -looks sad-
Lilium: ....I was lonely.
Khaos: Clearly. But integration might mean more solitude and silence and isn't that what we are aiming for?
Side Note: I'm in therapy. Integration has been brought up but isn't an idea that's being pushed too much. More like just to make this more tolerable.
#dissociative identity disorder#mental illness#personal project#tumblr project#DID#silence#loneliness
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Little Orchard wanted cereal for breakfast and wouldn't shush about it... So we had cereal for breakfast. -___-
#DID#Tumblr Project#Personal Project#Cereal#Young Personality#Breakfast#Trix#Silly Rabbit#Dissociative Identity Disorder
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Conversations with Myself: On Peace and self worth
Khaos: Aaaannnd, I feel like an idiot.
Lilium: Don't say that. But why?
Khaos: Because, once again, I've let the notion of love tear down boundaries we clearly made. That person is still too close and my self control is awful.
Orchard: -cringe slightly and frowns-
Lilium: Oh. Yes. That. No, Khaos, it's only because I feel that we are nothing without that love we once had from them. Deep down, though, I know it isn't true.
Orchard: -quietly- It isn't?
Lilium: No, of course not. I am my own person. I am all of you. They did not create us. We were fine without them. And we can be fine again. It's ok to find peace away from what brought us peace before. It's okay.
Side Note: I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY that what served us before may not serve us now and that's ok.
#Dissociative Personality Disorder#DID#Tumblr Project#Personal Project#Mental Illness#Self Worth#Peace#Struggle
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Conversations with Myself: On Train Rides and Orchard
Orchard: -pushes through Lilium and Khaos to drive-
Khaos: What the shit? You do this every morning. Explain. -Grabs Orchard by the arm-
Lilium: They don't speak enough words to expl-
The End: W̶a̷i̸t̸,̴ ̵n̶o̶,̶ ̸I̷ ̸w̸a̵n̶n̸a̴ ̸h̶e̶a̶r̵ ̵t̵h̴i̶s̵!̶ ̷T̶h̵i̵s̴'̴l̷l̷ ̷b̸e̶ ̷f̵u̴n̵.̸
Orchard: -shoots Lilium a dirty look and mumbles- Could've left me alone....
Khaos: What?
Orchard: -louder- I like the train rides. They are calming and you could have left me alone. Y'all always antagonize me about not talking. It's not that I can't or that I don't have the words. I just do not find the point in explaining myself to you or anyone else. I can NOT stand people and the train is full of people who won't talk to me about not talking. And now my train ride is almost over because you felt the need to bother me. I refuse to let you bumbling idiots mess EVERYTHING up. -pulls their arm from the grasp-
Khaos: Well. Ok. If you insist.
Lilium: -nods- Sorry.
Little Orchard: -peeks out her room sleepily- Orchard is mad? They're only ever like that when they're mad. -frowns and yawns-
Lilium: Yes. We are not always smart.
The End: M̵a̶n̶,̴ ̴y̷o̶u̷ ̸g̷u̴y̸s̷ ̵h̸a̴v̸e̷ ̷b̴e̷e̷n̵ ̸m̴a̴k̷i̷n̶g̶ ̷a̴ ̴l̴o̶t̵ ̶o̸f̸ ̵m̸i̷s̸t̶a̸k̴e̴s̷ ̸l̴a̴t̶e̸l̴y̷.̶
Side Note: Orchard rides the trains. Usually, they relay our conversations throughout the day as was discussed (not previously put here). They literally will take post before we even think about it. Anywhoo, mad Orchard is not a pleasant Orchard and they don't get mad very often.
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