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𝕔𝕣𝕚𝕞𝕤𝕠𝕟 & 𝕘𝕠𝕝𝕕
dresses-knittings
Dresses and knittings
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07, 08, 98 / @divenaz
they can't help the way they work themselves into a state sometimes.
or at least that's the second excuse that they tell dowon, whenever he asks. the first is that they actually aren't that stressed, even though they know he's had years of experience when it comes to reading them. that he can tell from how they've been recently, wound up tight like threads, that whatever assurance leaves their mouth is more to try and appease him than it is the truth.
it doesn't stop them from trying anyways.
kiha knows it's him before he even enters the room, footsteps all too familiar to them even when they're muffled because of the music they currently have blaring into their ears. they push their headphones down to their neck when he enters, body turned away from their table, eyes like half moons when they spot him.
"oh hey, dowon." their voice comes out more clipped than they mean it to be, a faint smile tugging at their mouth as they're resting their chin on their knee. they can't find the energy to get up just yet, bound over to him like they usually would and tackle him in an attack of kisses. but it's twenty-four minutes past two in the morning and dowon's still devastating in a way that means their heartbeat kicks up when it hasn't for the past, motionless eleven hours.
kiha's eyes flicker to the plastic bag he has grasped in his hand, and they reach out with both hands. "you brought lunch?" a glance at the time on the bottom right of their computer. ".. dinner?"
#KIHA / DOWON.#KIHA / THREADS.#KIHA / DOWON / UNNAMED 03.#if i had a shot for every mildly angsty starter i wrote u i would have 3 shots#its not a lot but its crazy we have 3 right
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11, 12, 37, 48 / @divenaz
it's too easy to forget that there was a time where he wasn't with yerin.
he supposes it's one of the idiosyncrasies of their relationship -- letting it lapse all too quickly from his memory that she had to fill in the cracks of his life. that she wasn't there with him from the beginning like he always assumes she had been, the ever-standing pillar that remains at the forefront of his mind. she anchors him in a way that he hadn't quite realised he needed until he met her, and it's for exactly that reason that any past relationship effortlessly becomes a distant memory.
they don't talk about it often, the person he was with before he found yerin. maybe because however much time he spends with her, days preoccupied with working around each other at the museum and lunch breaks taken together, evenings spent on walks and making dinner -- it never feels like quite enough. there's always an extra minute, an extra hour, an extra day he'd prefer to spend with her.
but the thing is, saying it feels like there was nothing before yerin isn't the same as that being the actual fact, and it isn't.
seeing the bracelet his ex-girlfriend made for him clasped in yerin's hand when he's had it tucked at the bottom of his cabinet for the last year is startling. seeing yerin's expression, morphed uncharacteristically into one of hurt is that much worse. an explanation (however much it would and could possibly explain, anyways) for why the silver band engraved with "CY + SH" hasn't been discarded yet doesn't leave his mouth before yerin's hurtling it at him, the door to their bedroom shutting promptly afterwards. the lock clicks.
when he finally knocks, his words catch in his throat.
"yerin?"
#CHAEYUL / THREADS.#CHAEYUL / YERIN.#CHAEYUL / YERIN / 01.#ok i was not the writer i thought i was n could not roll 4 prompts into one starter BUTTTTT bolded the ones that i did o7
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220625 bibi @ waterbomb 2022 seoul (cr. BIBI_ONLY)
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41, 46 (reverse), 47 / @divenaz
nights like these are far and few between.
probably because sunan makes them far and few between -- when he knows hansol's watching, gaze soft because it's on sunan but sharp because he's trying to search for any discomfort in his expression, in his body language. because if sunan responds a second too late or at a pitch too high, the rug's going to be pulled out from under hansol's feet and he'll know sunan's still the fifteen year old boy who entered a far too quiet house that one day.
hansol does know, though.
maybe that's why it hurts more, to see him like this.
nights like this are far and few between, but they're never entirely absent. "baby?" hansol's voice is hushed where the silence in the house is loud, and the consequent lack of response is enough for his stomach to churn just because he knows something's wrong. his fingers rest on the handle of their bedroom door, tentative to push. the realisation that he'd much rather be with sunan than let him be alone is the trigger that nudges him inside, eyes flickering to where he can see sunan pressed up against the corner of the bed. his choked sobs don't go missed, and hansol almost doesn't hear it over the unpleasant thudding of his heart against his chest.
sunan's like this when he's had a nightmare. when he thinks hansol doesn't know the reason why he's so agitated, that the way hansol curls up against him even closer is just a coincidence, every limb of his trying to find some part of sunan's that he can latch onto.
like now. he's purposefully slow when he closes the distance between them, one knee pressing against the bed when he reaches towards sunan. it's like clockwork, fingers intertwining with his wife's when he's pulling him towards him. further away from the corner, closer to the centre when hansol can wrap around him more easily. more gently.
kisses pressed against his temple, other hand brushing through his hair. his voice is lowered to a murmur, repetitive but he means every word. "sunan, baby. you can cry. come here. you don't have to talk."
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MOON HANBIN / visual / musings / threads
it's a dog eats dog world.
28 years old, 11/04/1995. a typical rags to riches story, where he grew up in a poor family on the outskirsrt of seoul. his life was rocked when his parents passed away from a car accident when he was seventeen, forcing him to take care of his younger brother (fourteen years younger than him). he worked multiple part-time jobs and, out of pride, rarely accepted money from his aunt to get himself and his brother through school. developed a bad habit of studying on shifts or until five in the morning, eventually graduating top of his year and a first class ticket to study economics and accounting at a sky university.
graduated with first class honours from there and now currently works as a hedge fund manager at a top consulting firm. the lack of sleep that's accumulated from all these years suddenly feels much more worth it, and his experiences have weathered him to develop a mindset that thinks meritocracy is the most important concept in the world. if you're lazy, you're not going to go anywhere in life.
lee dohyun.
182cm, 5'11"
light brown eyes, often wears glasses at his office.
black hair, typically styled.
no piercings and no tattoos.
feels most comfortable in suits because it's what he's gotten used to. expensive watches, customised cufflinks, neat dress-shoes.
outside of work, wears a lot of brands. long trench coats, sweaters, dress pants. very rarely wears joggers and hoodies, ie when he's at home (which he rarely is).
lawful evil. aries. entp.
smoking / drinking / drugs - yes, yes, no.
deadly sin is greed.
+ hard-working, resourceful, witty
- uncompassionate, competitive, blunt
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YOO MINHYUK / visual / musings / threads
bite the hand that feeds you.
26 years old, 14/07/1996. mugunghwa native born as the only son to the yoos, a family of extremely wealthy lawyers. rejected academia at a young age, preferring to spend his day indulging in the arts and painting. the heavy neglect from both parents only ceased once he started showing signs of childhood pyromania, forcing them to stick him in every counselling service available. he became the black sheep of the family and, after his parents died in a car accident when he was seventeen, was subsequently disowned from the family and cut out of the will. he barely graduated high school before he moved out to seoul, where he worked odd jobs here and there to make rent.
came back to mugunghwa to work as a librarian for the university once he turned twenty four. reunited with ikeda kojirō, who he started a relationship and eventually moved out of the town with. he hasn't kicked his habit of being a busybody just yet, working two part time jobs and painting on the side because the idea of doing nothing whilst his boyfriend persists as a slave to capitalism is unnerving. not quite sure where to go from here because the options are endless -- start painting as a full time job, go back to academia for fine art, continue working shifts and living paycheck to paycheck. for now, he's just happy to be out of mugunghwa.
nam yoonsu.
187cm, 6'1"
dark brown eyes, wears glasses at work.
black hair, typically unstyled.
no piercings and no tattoos, for now.
notable features inclue deep dimples on both cheeks, a beauty spot under his right eye, a burn scar on his left forearm.
fashion wise, wears a lot of unbranded clothes or is typically in his respective work attire. loves his hoodies, cargos and puffer jacket (his holy trinity).
chaotic neutral. cancer. infj.
smoking / drinking / drugs - yes, sometimes, no.
deadly sin is pride.
+ hard-working, perceptive, honest
- irritable, pessimistic, humourless
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inshik.
[ ... ]
Both him and his breath are shaking.
“I know. You deserve real love. I deserve to be alone. I know that.” He’s quiet because he means it; because he knows that. “I can’t lose you. I can’t help it. It’s selfish, but I can’t. I don’t want to be by myself. I want to be with you.” A pause, a second where, for once, he can’t meet the eyes staring back at him.
“I can’t hate you. I don’t. I will never. I’m sorry.”
"you're so used to lying that you've convinced yourself you're telling the truth." it's hard to talk around the acid in his mouth but he manages to anyways, whether that's sheer willpower or bitter resentment that pushes the words out from between his lips. "you -- do you enjoy tormenting me? is that why you keep asking questions about why i stuck with you, why i acted the way i did when you already know the answer?"
too many why's, too many questions. his heart's always been a fluttery thing -- once forced to be an adult's heart in a child's body, now it persists as a child's heart in an adult's body. years of failing to take care of it, failing to shield it from the world around him means he doesn't quite know how to handle any emotion quite as strong as the ones inshik instil in him, fanning the smoke until the flames lick away at the inside of his body. he can't quite call it grief. he can't quite call it rage, either, because there's a dull ache that's much too humane for it to be something as animalistic as unadulterated anger. the shame of being caught out on samgaksan's grounds, the knowledge that the rest of the pack is listening in on his conversation had long wilted as something important for him to keep in mind when he tries to avoid inshik's blows, tries to keep himself grounded. tries to keep himself afloat, if that's possible anyhow because they both know it's inshik that kazuki always drowns in anyways.
hate comes easily to him. it's even easier for love. it's always been easier, even moreso for someone who's rarely ever been exposed to it before. because not knowing what love is meant to feel like means everything and anything can feel like love to him.
like this. like when inshik's trembling, when his hand is bleeding because the pain from how broken glass cuts into his skin can't be more numbing than what it feels like to have a lover's words cut into your chest. when he's shaking with his exhalations, when each sentence that leaves his mouth falls out one after another, interrupted by heaving breaths that he pushes through because he knows if he stops talking now he won't be able to start again. kazuki wonders if this is what love feels like. if this is what love is meant to feel like.
if it's meant to be this painful. if it's meant to be so miserable.
"i want to hurt you. i want you to be hurt, so you can feel the way that i do, how i always felt when i was with you. it's not bad for me to want that -- it's not bad for me to want to see you in pain because of me, so don't try to make me feel like it is." the pause that follows afterwards is unintentional. he just hadn't realised just how much he needed to breathe until he's physically unable to, anymore. "don't -- don't fucking talk to me like that. don't tell me i deserve real love, or that you deserve to be alone. that you want to be with me. don't lie to me just because you miss fucking someone. fucking anyone. i'm tired of empty words."
"do you want me to admit that i'm scared of you? because i can. i'm scared of what you make me feel, of how i don't want to leave you even after everything. i'm scared about how i had to -- force myself to leave, about how i keep trying to put myself in danger so i'll get hurt and forget all about you. you asked me why i bothered with you. why i stayed, if i hated it so much." he sniffs. wipes the back of his hand over his nose, like the rain doesn't render that act fruitless in the next second. "i stayed because i wanted to. because in the end, those moments when it felt like you really did love me outweighed everything else. i only left because i realised you never meant any of it. and you tell me you can't lose me now. that you want to be with me. i don't -- i can't believe you. i want you to prove it to me."
#KAZUKI / INSHIK.#KAZUKI / INSHIK / UNNAMED 01.#KAZUKI / THREADS.#no this isnt a year late i have no idea what u are on abt
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KI RAON / visual / musings / threads
we're here for a good time, not for a long time.
24 years old, 27/09/1998. born in a rural town just outside busan to a single mother who always tried to force her to shrink into the background. stuck a middle finger to both her and the rest of the world from a young age, picking fights in every situation she could and grew up with the belief that she was destined for greater things. "borrowed" instruments from her highschool's music room, developed a knack for song-writing and producing, feeding into the starving artist trope. ran away from home after her mom found out she lied to her about studying business management at snu, when she was actually studying music production. never made up with her, until her mother passed away.
likes to pretend she has a strong heart but gossip girl taking over her life and revealing that one of her best friends is actually her step sister due to an overzealous father has taken its toll. often seen skating around, just trying to get through university, pay her bills (part-time bartender, part-time dj), perform with her band, spend an extortionate amount of time partying and continue producing music at the same time. she's had a few love calls from idol companies that she's turned down because (raon vc) i like indie rock music. the epitome of "you only live once"!!!!!
kim hyungseo (bibi).
168cm, 5'6"
brown eyes. usually wears contacts. glasses rarely.
long black hair. usually in a messy low bun or shoved into a claw clip somehow. always gets annoyed because strands keep falling out.
two standard ear piercings. helix piercing on right ear. conch piercing on right ear. daith piercing on right ear. tragus piercing on left ear. belly button piercing.
tattoos included a red wisp of smoke from her right wrist to her index finger; a panel of nana smoking on the inside of her left arm, 3 daisies on her left thigh, a matching tattoo with her band
typical acubi fashion. a lot of straps. little tops and big cargo pants enthusiast. simultaneously, a mini skirt and mini-er top enthusiast. always steals yoonsu's shirts and hoodies. loves her trusty nike dunks.
chunky rings, chunks necklaces, chunky earrings.
chaotic good. libra. entp.
smoking / drinking / drugs - yes, yes, sometimes.
deadly sin is pride.
+ extroverted, talented, adventurous.
- overbearing, entitled, blunt.
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KANG KIHA / visual / musings / threads
what is grief, if not love persevering?
23 years old, 02/08/2000. born in vancouver, canada, currently a film making major at x university. classic rich kid story were their mother's a doctor and father's a lawyer, and they grew up with every aspect of their life monitored. moved to korea to live with their liberal aunt at the beginning of high school, and this newfound freedom meant they were thus seen running around the halls of hannam with a camera most of the time they spent there. tried to make a documentary about the school that they never actually finished but it kickstarted their love for film making. they applied to university behind their father's back for that same degree, with the help of their aunt (and mom) who realised that a kid who cried at the first ten minutes of frozen would probably suck as a lawyer.
their father's rage and consequent physical attack on them led them to move in permanently with their aunt, which they couldn't be happier about. developed their own sense of gender and sexuality throughout the first couple of years at university with the help of some close friends and their boyfriend, and every day feels like a step closer to tangible happiness. here, there and everywhere at the same time; every new day is a new beginning, and love can defeat anything bad in the world.
mark lee.
174cm, 5'8"
light brown eyes. usually wears contacts. glasses rarely.
black hair. has a habit of tucking strands behind their ear.
two standard ear piercings. tragus piercing on right ear.
too many stick and poke tattoos on their arm, including; a small mushroom just below their left elbow; a butterfly on their right wrist; wings on their back; a smiley face on their upper right arm
no such thing as "usual fashion" because they change their mind every day. most often seen in long summer skirts, han dowon's t-shirts, baby tees, oversized hoodies, baggy jeans. loves anything with lace and ribbons. always wears rings on at least three fingers on each hand, layers necklaces.
chaotic good. leo. infp.
smoking / drinking / drugs - no, sometimes, no.
deadly sin is envy.
+ reliable, sincere, kind-hearted
- (very, very) shy, anxious, indecisive
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BANG HANSOL / visual / musings / threads
you reap what you sow.
25 years old, 01/07/1998. born in gwanak district, seoul, grew up as the son of two big names in the pharmaceutical industry, currently a (last year) med student at snu. graduated from hannam in 2016, where he infamously made a name for himself as the high strung, quiet kid at the back of the class who dealt drugs to the rest of the school. spent most of his life telling himself he doesn't feel any moral apprehension about how he got people addicted in high school to take responsibility for anything, only to be bitten hard by karma when he ends up suffering from substance abuse throughout his teenage and adult years. having done irrevocable damage to both his physical and mental health, his husband and a very small handful of friends are the only anchors left in his life that push him towards rehab.
now a little over a year clean, he's trying to scrap up what's left of his dignity to be good, for once. the delayed guilt and unwavering belief that he doesn't deserve happiness is, however, making it inexplicably hard to come to terms with this newfound way of life.
lee taeyong.
176 cm, 5’9"
dark brown eyes, (should wear glasses but doesn't)
black hair typically unstyled, constantly remnants of previous dye jobs
scar right next to his right eye.
two standard ear piercings, helix piercing on left ear, belly button piercing, eyebrow slit. multiple tattoos; minimalist drawing of a dog on upper left arm, small ufo on upper right arm, moon on left forearm, half moon on ring finger (matching with sunan)
unstyled baggy jeans and baggier t-shirts, oversized ‘essentials’ hoodies unnecessarily expensive shoes, multiple earrings, layered necklaces. always wears his cross necklace that his parents got him for church when he was 7.
chaotic neutral. cancer. slytherin. intp.
smoking / drinking / drugs - yes, no, no.
deadly sin is pride. always.
+ intelligent, observant, honest
- indifferent, irritable, sharp-tongued
#musebook.#INSIDE / BANG HANSOL.#tw substance abuse#cant edit my muse page anymore so i guess im fuck it we balling#got proper wifi for the first time in a few days im going crazy brb
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somehow, yoonsu manages to both aggravate and alleviate raon's headaches. he calls it a special talent but she calls it love more than anything else, it being the reason behind why her patience becomes limitlessly expanded. love is the reason her timeline's been filled with chinchilla videos recently, and love is the reason why she doesn't bite his head off the second she hears the heart lurching noise of the straw when her cup's emptied. "another one, so you can finish that one too? don't you know gluttony's one of the seven deadly sins?" she hisses, pulling herself up so she can crawl over and take her rightful place in his lap. if she kneels against his anklebone in the journey, it's only half-intentional. "fine. you need to get me three, though. because i know you're going to drink two of them and get brain freeze before you can even touch mine."
HEAR ME OUT
#𝑪𝑯𝑶-𝒀𝑶𝑶𝑵𝑺𝑼 #𝑲𝑰-𝑹𝑨𝑶𝑵 @404karma
"how did they even get the soda cup that small?" yoonsu comments, pouting adoringly at the dull display and cracked screen of his red iphone 8. so wrapped up in a video of someone making their chinchilla hold a tiny soda cup that he barely feels the large 7-11 cup sweating melted ice all over his hand. its raon's drink that he's holding for her, but he sips from the straw, anyway. he wastes no time sending the video to raon, even if he's slouched on the couch just right beside her. leaning his head on her arm, routinely rubbing his cheek or pressing his mouth to her skin. he sips and sips until the straw makes a noise. "oh—sorry," he looks up at raon, no apology anywhere on his face, "let's go out and get another one?"
#RAON / THREADS.#RAON / YOONSU.#RAON / YOONSU / HEAR ME OUT.#someone get rspca on the line#me your unemployed friend at 9pm replying in 4 hrs
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DUNE (2021) dir. Denis Villeneuve
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double screwed is just screwed, right?
drabble / @404karma @divenaz
hansol pushes the door gently, feeling frostbitten where his fingers touch wood. yoonsu’s room is nothing like he expects—smooth surface everything, painfully pristine, like it hasn’t been lived in for years. (not that hansol is the poster child for a cozy home life, but even his parents’ house never felt so… cold.) he walks around, unusually overcome with curiosity, pulling out the occasional drawer. nothing but neatly folded clothes in colors he has never seen yoonsu wear.
yoonsu reappears from out of his walk-in closet, lightly crumpled cartier paper bag in hand, “i’m just ‘gonna count these then we can go.”
still looking around, last night not completely gone from his system, hansol doesn’t hear him. he stands over yoonsu’s study table and pulls at a drawer. it’s light, like nothing’s inside, but something metal rattles in the light.
Keep reading
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SOLACE’S RESPITE
BY KANG KIHA, YOON MINHEE
30/11/2022
SCREEN BLACK.
( ‘ / The world is only as focused as they want it to be. It’s a skill that comes easily to them, like everything can constitute a few dials that they can turn down or up as they wish, them the overarching entity of their own experiences. They concentrate on the hands of the clock in their slow descent, hung on the wall behind Dr. Minhee so they’ll forget about how they’re digging their nails into the leather of the chair. They find an old crack in the material for their fingers to pluck at the cotton stuffing within and it’s only after she clears her throat gently that they realise they haven’t answered her question. They blink. )
KANG KIHA
I’m sorry, could you ask that again?
( ‘ / For what it’s worth, she doesn’t look angry that they weren’t listening. That they haven’t been listening for the past five minutes, that much obvious to the both of them from a mile away. She’s flicking through her pages and their eyes are drawn to the scrawls of her handwriting. )
DR. YOON MINHEE
I asked you how you were finding school after your break. I remember the last time we met, you were nervous about going back after a few months. Has settling in again been easier than you expected?
KANG KIHA
It’s -- it’s been okay, I guess. I’m just trying to find a good routine again, like the one I used to have. All the professors and TAs have been understanding about me handing my assignments in late, but I guess it wouldn’t be appropriate for them to express their disappointment so obviously anyways. Especially if they knew I took those months off for health purposes.
DR. YOON MINHEE
Their disappointment? What makes them think they’re disappointed in you?
KANG KIHA
I don’t know. It just sort of makes sense, like, no professor wants a student that doesn’t stick to deadlines. Or even if when they stick to them, the films, documentaries, and storyboards they produce are just. Well. A little shit. Sorry.
( ‘ / The look they give her is apologetic, and she returns it with a light laugh. )
DR. YOON MINHEE
You can swear if that’s what you want to do -- that’s nothing to apologise for. I’m more interested in why you’re so certain that they’re disappointed in you when they were the ones that insisted you receive as many extensions as you need, right? Even when you told them that you don’t need it.
KANG KIHA
Yeah.
DR. YOON MINHEE
You’re not a bother to them, Kiha; they're professors after all and they wouldn’t force you to take breaks unless they really wanted you to. Instead of seeing yourself as an inconvenience to them, maybe think that they’re just teaching you in the way that they know is best for you. They’re adapting to your needs like any good professor would.
KANG KIHA
Yeah.
DR. YOON MINHEE
And do you feel better after they’ve told you that? That you don’t have to hand in your work as soon as everyone else does?
KANG KIHA
I do. It takes the pressure off my shoulders for a few minutes but then I get anxious again, that they expect much better than average because I’m taking my time on it. I don’t know how to explain it; everything makes me anxious, and I feel bad because they’re trying to make me as not-anxious as possible. I feel like they don’t really mean it when they tell me it’s okay, that it’s not an inconvenience. How could I not be one when I’m the only one messing up everyone’s schedules?
The world doesn’t revolve around me, I know that. It’s inconsiderate to everyone.
( ‘ / She pauses at that, the pen clutched between her fingers moving where her mouth doesn’t as she’s writing something down onto the paper. A beat of silence passes, gradual in comparison to the erratic pace of their heart threatening to burst out of their chest. They wonder if she finds them annoying, too, how she asks them one thing and they seem to answer everything else. )
DR. YOON MINHEE
Kiha, do you often think you’re an inconvenience to the people around you?
KANG KIHA
Of course. I know I am.
DR. YOON MINHEE
How?
KANG KIHA.
I just pick up on their mannerisms and stuff, the way they look at me, the tone when they’re speaking. Saying it’s okay is different when they’re huffing a little. Like Sunan and Hansol; I was basically living with them over my break and they never told me to leave, They treated me so nicely, taking me out everywhere like restaurants and the movies; Sunan let me cook with him a few times too, even though I’m terrible at seasoning.
And they never told me they were annoyed at how often I was there even when I basically was encroaching on their time together. I knew they were irritated but I was selfish and didn’t want to leave because that meant I would have to be alone whilst they were together. I just feel it. I can read people well, I think.
DR. YOON MINHEE
But how can you gauge an accurate sense of how people perceive you when the starting framework you’re looking at it through is that everyone is angry at you?
KANG KIHA
But -- isn’t everyone automatically mad at me?
DR. YOON MINHEE
Why would you think that?
( ‘ / They inhale sharply, teeth scraping against their tongue before they bite down on the inside of their cheek, fingers continuing their assault on the stuffing of the couch. If she sees them, she doesn’t mention it, her eyes holding a heavy weight when they find Kiha’s like a silent encouragement for them to explain. To get to the crux of it, to talk about who she knows they want to talk about every session but only starts to after being prodded. )
KANG KIHA
I just. I kept thinking I was doing the right thing every time, putting their needs before mine because I just liked them so much, because they deserved to be loved so strongly. Theo didn’t mind, that’s probably why it was so easy to take advantage of me because I’m always so silly when I’m in love.
But Dowon -- it annoyed him a lot. Everything I did seemed to annoy him, like when I would always tell him to leave me alone at parties so he can go talk to his friends even though I knew he didn’t like them that much. I didn’t want to monopolise his time; he’s so popular, you know, like a magnet drawing in people. There’s just something about him that’s constantly carefree, always cool. Likable. Everyone likes Dowon, and I felt like I was doing something wrong by being the only one he stuck with the entire night.
( ‘ / They break eye contact only so they can draw their knees up, resting their chin on the surface they’ve created, arms wrapped around them. It’s easier to hide the slow welling of their eyes like this, conceal the way their voice cracks when they talk about him. It’s not as embarrassing as it is a metaphorical knife that’s twisted somewhere into their chest through flesh and bones. A reminder that they messed it all up. )
DR. YOON MINHEE
Doing something wrong to who?
KANG KIHA
Everyone who wanted to spend time with him.
DR. YOON MINHEE
Why would you be worried about making sure everyone had time to spend with him when you went to the party together for a reason? You told me Dowon knew you didn’t like them, that he always checked up on you throughout the night to make sure you weren’t overwhelmed.
KANG KIHA
I don’t know. I like pleasing everyone. I felt like I was doing a disservice by making him mine, so he should say hi to everyone who wanted to spend time with him.
DR. YOON MINHEE
But you weren’t making him yours exclusively; I’m sure he would’ve spoken to his friends if he really wanted to, but he just wanted to spend the night with you, Kiha. Do you think that maybe, by trying to please everyone, you were hurting him instead?
KANG KIHA
Oh.
DR. YOON MINHEE
You had good intentions, I could never say you had anything less than that, and I’m certain people close to you would agree with me on this too. But subjecting both of yourselves to something neither of you wanted for the sake of other people wholly outside your relationship; it must’ve hurt Dowon badly, Kiha, even if he never expressed it, purely because of how often he told you that he wanted to go to the party and stick with you. He may have reacted that way because he felt like you didn’t take his love for you seriously -- especially when, like you told me, you know he isn’t somebody who is good with reassuring constantly. And he was doing the best he could in that aspect.
But that’s not to say the breakup is your fault because that’s not a burden that can be shouldered by either one of you individually. It wasn’t fair for Dowon to leave you at the party because he was upset, even if he’s not good at expressing himself.
KANG KIHA
It was. I -- I upset him! I didn’t realise what I was doing, I didn’t know.
DR. YOON MINHEE
No, Kiha, it wasn’t fair, it was a stranger’s house. It could’ve been dangerous for you, at worst -- it’s fair for him to be upset, but not for him to lash out in the way that he did. The fact that neither of you got to talk about how you were feeling, that neither of you could see the other’s point of view without indirectly putting the burden on the other; both of you seem to have underestimated how important that is in a relationship, and both of you were incredibly hurt by the fallout.
I guarantee you Dowon’s taking this just as hard as you are. If everything you told me is true, he’s someone who loved you very much.
( ‘ / The tears spill over unexpectedly to the extent that they hadn’t realised they were holding them in until now, their hands immediately reaching upwards to press the palms against their eyes with a shaky breath. In the darkness they hear the rustle of a tissue box placed on the table in front of them, the ticking of the clock again, the sounds of them sucking in rapidly whatever air is available to them. When they open their eyes again their vision is bleary, eyelashes stuck to their cheeks with the tell-tale sign of regret. )
DR. YOON MINHEE
And you? Do you think Dowon loved you?
( ‘ / They let out another shaky breath when they take their bottom lip between their teeth, eyes red-rimmed and exhaustion tugging at their being. )
KANG KIHA
I was in love.
DR. YOON MINHEE
That’s not the same thing.
( ‘ / They think they’ve known this for a while now. The way that they blend the line between the two, so it’s much easier to feel loved when in reality they’re the only ones with affection strong enough to spill over their tender heart. I’m so in love becomes synonymous with I’m so loved, them loving Dowon to the ends of the Earth automatically means he loved them just as strongly. Thinking about whether that’s true or not leaves their chest aching dully with want, something to fill up the gaps left behind. They shake their head. )
KANG KIHA
I know. I think it’s been so long that I’m too scared to tell the difference between them anymore, even when I know at the back of my mind that the line is still there. He made me feel both, that I could be in love and be loved at the same time. That I couldn’t just pick one.
DR. YOON MINHEE
Do you think that’s why it hurt so much? Because you know Dowon loved you?
( ‘ / They see the line between the two now, the way he had occupied both spaces so naturally. The ruffle of his fingers through their hair, their head laid on his lap when he played some distant melody into the night. His chopsticks dropping a piece of pork cutlet onto their plate at the school canteen, his signature knock on their door every time they worked themselves into oblivion, the honking of his car outside their window.
The circles of his thumb over the back of their hand, those same thumbs lightly brushing over the space underneath their eyes, fingers tracing the skin of their torso when they’re writhing underneath him, murmured ‘pretty’s under his breath that they wouldn’t catch if the weren’t so finely attuned to him. Dowon’s eyes crinkle into a smile somewhere in their memories, and Kiha feels the knife twist more. )
( ‘ / They nod. )
KANG KIHA
I do.
DR. YOON MINHEE
And did you love him back?
( ‘ / The world is only as focused as they want it to be. They nod again, suddenly alert with a realisation that douses over them like a bucket of cold water. They sniffle, voice breaking once more when they talk in a low tone. )
KANG KIHA
I did.
I still do.
#INSIDE / KANG KIHA.#TEXT / KANG KIHA.#yasssss back on the dash with another therapy solo#trying a new format but it didnt work so ull never see it again
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