Long Read but read it if you're pro-recovery<3

i've been binging so much lately and it's from restricting and over exercising. i'm tired of feeling disgusting every day because of the amount of times i binge. i can't remember most of anything that happens because of the amount of stress this €d puts on me and constantly only thinking about my w€!ght, cal0r!es, f00d. i've convinced myself for years that the only way anyone will ever love me is if i'm paper th!n, b0n€y, have a th!gh gap, if i'm on the verge of dy!ng. that's just not true and i'm tired of playing stup!d. my partner has always loved me even before my extreme w€!ght l0ss, so did my parents and my siblings, all of my family has always loved me for who i am as a person and not some stupid!d fuck!ng number on a scale. honestly my w€!ght l0ss has only caused tension between me and everyone i love because of how scared i made them feel for me that one day i was going to die and no longer be a part of their lives anymore. i talked to my partner about wanting to recover and how i was scared about the weight gain and asked if they would still treat me the same, they said they were so proud of me for wanting to recover. that they love me no matter what and care for me so much. i'm going to be okay even if this is extremely hard. it is always going to be hard. i'm just choosing to be scared in the positive direction. i'm going to get better and get my life back and my happiness and hobbies and not be scared of some delusions i made up in my head about everyone around me hating me for fueling my body when that just ISN'T TRUE. if i relapse, that's okay too. recovery after having ad €d for so many years unfortunately is a life long journey. but i'd rather recover for the rest of my life then let my fear take everything from me for the rest of my life. please try and recover even if you are in the slightest considering it. it will be worth it. the right people will love you and that will show you who actually ever cared. you are loved by people you haven't even made it to yet so keep trying. i'm so proud