I don’t want to do anything.

I feel really stupid. So fucking stupid. Feeling special for a day, now I just feel so damn dumb. And alone. Song always had a way to make me feel great...but after thinking, he does it all for himself. It makes him feel good about himself to make others feel good but he doesn’t mean it. 

I don’t want to go on this trip to Yosemite in August. I don’t want to go to work. I just want to spend time with Pumpkin. All day, everyday. I just want to feel better. I want to spend forever hanging out cuddling with Pumpkin. She is my safe place. She makes me feel like things are worth it. That life is worth it. Her bright eyes and sweet call. Her cuddles and kisses. She’s the best. I want to leave work now and just cuddle up with her, even if the apartment is 90° and we’re melting. I know she wouldn’t mind cuddles, she is just that amazing. She’s my sanity. My heart and soul. My good day. 

I was seeping rage, of course in the form of tears. My chest felt so heavy and then I thought how I survived. I spent years with this family, watching. I was there when Dirk was slipping from reality and lost his mind to schizophrenia. I heard mom grow more and more frail and see dad losing his thoughts to old age. He's so forgetful now. Gina and I had a relationship again before she died. I suffered through her loss, having to tell our parents she died at 33. I tried to make it to her to be the only blood relative while she passed to the other side and missed her by hours. I spent a year fighting for her ashes to fulfill her last wish. I went to Ireland and spread her ashes and you didn't even know she was dead. You abandoned me. Just like mom and dad did when we were younger. You left. Like dad. Like a coward. And then, I realized you're just like him. Can you see it? All he did was run. From his parents and siblings. From his first wife and daughter. You i hear have been married twice. You really seem just like him. All you had to say about me was that you felt bad about making fun of my teeth with Dirk. Funny is I can't remember. Dad asked me if he ever hit us cause you said he did. I can't remember. I blocked childhood out except for some moments in foster care, how you left me in that house. I watched this family fall apart. You are too much of a coward you wouldn't have been able to handle anything I've been through. I'm a survivor... I've spent so many years telling myself I was weak, but then there's you. I barely ever thought about you. You have been dead to me for 13, almost 14 years. That's how long it's been since I've seen or heard from you. I've succeeded without you. I'm better than you. I just wish it didn't take me this long to see it. Fuck you big brother. You're just another face in the crowd. We could pass each other in the streets tomorrow and wouldn't know it's you or even think twice. You're a selfish prick.

I Took A Walk

I went outside today.

You should be so proud.. it was dark out as well when I went. You were asleep, otherwise you would've talked me out of it. I wasn't even that scared. But then I started to see so many people outside... and it's dark. I avoided this old man that walked into a playground that was surrounded by fence. This woman carrying a small child tightly to her chest began to walk out. I barely missed her by 6 feet before I was able to walk across the street. I was only on that side to begin with since the street I wanted to be on is closed. They're building new townhouses. I never knew. I quickly walked up the hill looking over my shoulder, just checking to make sure they weren't following. It's for your protection, really. I don't want them to find you.

I can't let them to find you...

I nearly forgot. I did cross paths with two people and their dog. It was small. It looked happy and kinda cute. I came up to a four way intersection and almost crossed the street, to a darker path but the man standing on the corner crossed before i could. I kept going. I was so focused i forgot I was listening to music. It helps me stay calm, you know?

I came back because I heard someone. They were so loud but I couldn't understand the words. I turned my music off and it sounded like they were behind me but I couldn't turn to see. The street was well lit so they'd see me see them. I put the right key in the door but couldn't unlock the door, i thought I had the wrong key since my glasses were fogged from wearing a mask. I have to keep you safe after all. I pulled the key out to only find it was the right one. It was scary, my thoughts told me someone was behind that door, holding it closed on me.

I have something for you. I found these posters. You want to see them? Here, hold on wait there.

Ta-da! It's you! You're famous! I took all of them down so I could frame them for you. I wonder when your movie "Missing" comes out. You'll watch it with me?

Here, let's take a selfie with your posters together my love bug. Say cheese!

Why do I have to get faded to feel love. Or happiness? Do I get fucked up to feel something or do I want to feel like i need to get fucked up to feel something? Cause regular life i feel just blues bullshit I'm tired of feeling. Or am I just a lil faded and making stupid shit up cause I'm altered? I want to be someone else. Someone better.

I need to try to be better.

Be more present.

I feel like I just space out to another world in my head and just peace out too the real world...and miss things.

Then feel left out.

Like not knowing everything is some crushing defeat.

I don't want to feel like that.

I don't want to make my friends feel bad that I am just mixed up in the head right now.

I just need to be better. Try harder to be better.

Get myself together for them and myself.

Get my own life outside of my apartment.

Get my finances right.

Discover goals i want to achieve.

Find a dream job.

See my friends glow up.

I fucking LOVE MYSELF

How does one cope with trauma?

I really need to know.

I've spent most of mmt life thinking I'm a trucker person, telling myself I'm a terrible person because so many terrible things gave happened to me so I felt like I deserved it.

Somehow, someway. It was all my fault.

So please tell me how to cope. Because I'm tired of feeling this way

It progressed quickly, the feeling of insecurity. The way we talked for hours on end quickly becoming a short text here and there. Then it happened. I was rejected. After asking when we’d be able to see each other again, I struck a nerve and caused things to end. I am upset. But really I shouldn’t care. I didn’t like him as much as I should’ve to feel the way I do now. I called him a jerk, he was being an asshole if you ask my opinion. I’m sure to my friends, he wasn’t that rude. I’m too sensitive. Too sensitive to date in a crazed world like this. Where these guys really just want a one night stand or fuck buddy. I know next month or even two, three, four months from now I won’t even remember his name. And when I look back at this, I won’t even put the pieces together on who I’m talking about because he is and will always be nothing to me. He started out so strong saying I was going to be his girlfriend, that he planned to make me his girlfriend and when I pulled away saying we’ve only been on one date chill out he changed. Like I rejected him and he then decided I wasn’t worth it. My realism wasn’t playing with is fantasy life. He made all these hypothetical plans with me, go to California, Disneyland, Hawaii. I knew then and I know deep down it was all just bullshit. But my brain won’t allow me to fully accept that. My depression wants me to feel bad. Bad that someone I didn’t like that much rejected me. My friends were good to me as always, saying I don’t need trash like that. That I need to stop putting this on myself since I’m not to blame. That I need to put my feelings first, instead of others, that I’ve always been that way. I can’t help it. Its a natural reaction to blame myself for things that happen to me. I’m so conditioned from trauma its just what my brain defers to. I need to stop. I need to learn better coping skills. I need to love myself. I’m beautiful on the outside but inside I feel like its a dark, dead place. A place where hope and happiness die. I need to stop. I want to have a normal brain. One without depression. Its sunny today so I can’t blame the weather-seasonal depression is out the window. 

I want something meaningful. Something that's more than just physical. I want someone to hold me, accept me as I am. My past and all.

I don't want to feel used. I don't want to feel hopeless. Like I'll never find someone that will see my flaws, fight for me...love me knowing it'll be difficult.

I'm sad. I feel used. I feel dirty. Gross. I don't know why I don't have enough respect for my body. I don't know why I just let things happen.

Maybe I should be alone. Maybe it's meant to be that way, that I'm alone. All I'm seen as is just a piece of ass. I'm not respected cause they know I don't respect myself. I don't want to hate myself... but I'm so comfortable being in that mindset.

Damn I'm tired of being depressed. Tired of dating trash bags. Tired of everything.

I had a weird dream, I can't consider it a nightmare but maybe it was.

It was my best friend's wedding, myself and other best friend who are in the bridal party sat by the alter ass swarms of people filed in but ended up having to move outside due to something. So we're going back in and our seats were taken by unknown family members so brittany and I were ushered to the back of the venue by the bride's mom. I was upset but Brittany was gone, I complained about not even being able to see the alter and there's rando fam members the bride doesn't know in our seats and I wanted photos. Brittany told me to chill and seemed fine with being so far away, I had to pee so I left to find a bathroom. I found a bathroom and then after dream peeing I was outside in a desert, like as soon as I walked out of the bathroom it was desert. It gets weirder now. So I am walking and suddenly am with someone that had a motorcycle, I had a car, I found a rattlesnake and killed it. I had a footlong subway sandwich and remembered my weird coworker saying to bury the sandwich and put a rattlesnake over it to like preserve it. So I bury the sandwich and try to put the snake over it but the snake was still alive. I remembered then to put the car tire over one end of the snake and the motorcycle tire to go over the other end. I don't know why any of it made sense. I ended up getting bit by the rattlesnake and was okay. The weird coworker came out of nowhere and stole my buried Subway sandwich and half dead rattlesnake. When I tried ro get it back I got bit by the snake again. Suddenly I'm starting to pass out but find strength to walk and suddenly I'm in the hospital I work at. I cough out "rattlesnake bites" and collapse in front of a nurse. I hear "keep breathing, we need you to keep breathing" and them counting while doing CPR on me but I felt like I was still breathing so I started to breathe on their count. I hear them say "we lost her!" but then suddenly they say I'm back. I cried and called Brittany saying I died and that's why I missed the wedding but I woke up crying in real life. It was weird.

I keep seeing you... or your face in someone else's. It's been twice now in the last 3 days. First time I thought I was crazy when I was playing a game where it shows the players profile picture. I zoomed in but after looking she held no resemblance to you. The second time was earlier today on my way home from work. It was the lady in her car in front of me. I briefly saw you in her side mirror. I looked again and it wasn't you. I think the last time I kept seeing you in other people was shortly after you died. I've been so defeated lately. Defeated by life. I just don't want to be here anymore. There's so much pain. I don't know how I've been able to survive it this far. I'm not suicidal. I promise. I'm just overwhelmed by all of this shittiness life has been lately. Maybe it's not even life. It's just my fucked up brain. I feel so worthless. So low. All I did was cry all day Saturday. My eyes were so swollen but the tears wouldn't let up. That's where all the rain went, to my tear ducts to cause some physical pain. God must've thought adding something more than emotional pain would help me. I dunno. I wish I had a normal brain. I wish you didn't die. I wish I was a better sister. I didn't want to go to work today but I had to. It was so hard not crying. I got home and just wanted to sleep. I can't sleep now. I keep thinking about seeing your face in other people. Were you as depressed as I am when you were alive? I hope tomorrow will be a better day. I can't get out of this place I'm in. It's been so long since I've felt like life isn't worth it. Or that I'm nothing. Just everyone's punching bag. I'm so passive. This is why I hurt.

I feel so drained. When I wake up I have to put on a happy face and be present. Hopefully I can manage. What is wrong with me though? I feel so... distant. From everything and everyone. I should be happy, we're dress shopping for her wedding dress. Having a girl's day. I feel so alone. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I should be soul searching. I should be loving myself. But instead, I'm lost. I feel like I'm being left behind. But I need to stop. Get over it. Grow up. This is life. Why aren't I planning for the future? I should be happy.

I need to get this out of my head. I’m starting to think about the future and how now that we’re all getting older I’m not going to be as close with my friends as I was when we were younger. Like...I tell them everything but don’t think they’re the same. I over share though. I guess I want to feel like I’m cared about. That’s kinda sad but I can’t stop myself from being so negative. I want to be happy everyone is starting a family or venturing out of the usual routine who they enjoying spending time with. I feel so selfish. Actually, I am selfish. I need to cut that shit out. Its toxic. I don’t want to be toxic. To anyone. I need to be better to myself and my friends. Be there. But not over bearing. Just...checking in. This is like me trying to prep myself. To coach myself to not feel abandoned. I don’t know where life is taking us. I hope its amazing. I hope there’s things that are challenging, waiting ahead for us that helps better ourselves.

I know I’m setting myself up for failure here but I couldn’t help it. It got away from me and now I’ve just spent 2hrs talking with my ex that broke my heart...well I broke my own heart by being so guarded and stupid haha

But hanging out? Going to a comedy show? We’ll see how this all works out. I know the girls will prob roll their eyes and be like wtf are you doing? But I need to make mistakes to learn from them. 

I think we had a hilarious conversation. He can be so platonic and I’m over here *without feelings for him* laughing away at our convo. I was a good one. I feel happy. I hope this isn’t a bad decision. We’ll just see what happens. Let it all play out the way its supposed to. He did teach me a lot about myself like that I was a bad partner, unable to break down walls or think about him opposed to myself. 

All of my friends are gone.

No one seems to want to see me, they’re busy living their lives now.

I didn’t realize how relationships go off and die once you turn 30. 

Everyone is getting engaged, married or pregnant and just don’t have the time for someone as depressed and self centered as I am.

Ugh. I’d like to just not feel sorry for myself and go out and make new friends but when my current friends I’ve known for years don’t want to spend time with me how can I expect new people to hang out with me?

Life goes on. I need to follow the pack and live my own life. Even if it ends up being in solitude. I still have my precious Pumpkin who loves me unconditionally.

I haven’t spent any time with my best friend who I consider a sister outside of a lunch break in I honestly don’t know how long. A few weeks. She gets mad when I make plans with other people but don’t invite her yet she goes out and does shit with her finance and his family all of the time. I only find out from FB or IG stories. 

Damn. I’m so pathetic hahaha. Woe is me.

Damn. Here I am again Tumbs, confiding in you once again with my depression. I feel a bit different though to be honest. Like I feel the depression creeping up but its not fully hit me just yet. 

Last week I was supposed to have a “dinner date” with this guy I had gone on a few dates with earlier in the year. Nothing special. I thought we were more or less friends at this point because he has a girlfriend-he told me they’ve been together for 3wks and are in an “open” relationship. I told him I’m not going to be the girl he’s gonna date on the side. Its either we’re friends that can find each other attractive and deal with it or nothing at all. He said we can be friends. Friday rolls up and we get stoned. We start to kiss. I told him I’m not ready for that. He stops for two minutes and goes on kissing me again saying how he’d missed me, how I should take my shirt off. I tell him no. I tell him to stop and I’m not going to be the one he uses to relieve his sexual tension. He gets mad. Wants to talk about it. I tell him there’s not much to discuss. He said he hadn’t had sex with his girlfriend in 3wks and she’s already seeing someone else. Says they haven’t had sex cause she just got birth control and has to wait for it to take effect. I tell him to use condoms. He said she doesn’t want to. He gets mad and walks out of my apartment.

I have mixed feelings towards that situation. I stood up for myself and have more respect for my decision and that makes me proud of myself for finally sticking to my morals. Knowing myself and how that having sex with him would’ve affected my emotional health so I didn’t bother fuckign myself over. What I also feel is sadness. Sadness that he thought he could just fuck me. Like I was some easy piece of ass he could call up cause he wanted to fuck something. He hasn’t talked to me since and I don’t give a fuck. So much for friends.

Why do I hold onto that relationship when it didn't mean much. It was short. It was meaningless. He was already in another bed not long after it ended. Why did it hurt so bad? Why am I still angry? Jealous? I don't like this side of me. It's ugly. I don't want to be this version of me anymore. I want to let go. Move on from all the sad, bad things that's happened to me. So when meaningless relationships happen, I can be happy they happened. That I could look back and not feel sad it's done but remember the memories fondly. I don't like this person I am today. I want to be better. So I'm gonna try. Try to think clearly and not emotionally. Let shit go that needs to go.