yumedeshouka
もみじ の 秘密
When momiji leave a secret
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ᵂᴴᴬᵀ'ˢ ᵞᴼᵁᴿ ᴰᴬᴹᴬᴳᴱˀ
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"If we treated careers more like dating, nobody would settle down so quickly"
David Epstein - Range: How Generalist Triumph in Specialized World
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Questioning what the future might hold is the same as giving a lighter to the burned heart. Making it hot and hotter, and leaving a deep scar from which you never start.
When your anxiety creeps you out. Half of yourself wondering when it will end. But half of you said that it still too far to stop.
Walking slowly and fall again to the endless pit of fear. Light seems don't reach the bottom. And the shadow embrace you deeper. Will the future really help easing this pain?
Trust the process. But really the process is taking its time too much.
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Ikigai hidden deep inside us, to find it requires passion. It is the reason why we get up in the morning. Basically ikigai is common ground of what you good at, what you love, what the world want, and what you can pay for. Whatever you do don't retire
Ikigai (podcast audio book)
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"You know? memories exist so you can love your past self. Rather than the faraway past, the live that hasn't unfold yet, exist to make dreams come true. Who will be able to open the door of miracles? Smile, just once more. Have you realize yet? That the key to open that door is already in your hand"
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Overload. New responsibilities come tighten my throat. As the time goes the reality and the needs doesn't really follow each other. I should go. That words keep repeating. The rain comes and goes like the worry. Hard and soft. Slow and fast. When will this can be ended. Questions linger.
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"Critical thinking includes these two skils, critically (of others) and awareness (of self)"
Julie Bogart - Raising A Critical Thinkers, a parent's guide to growing wise kids in the digital age
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My work colleagues told me a story about her child's friend. She said that the girl confess her feelings to her friend, and her friend is a girl too! Quite a taboo in my country. But what intrigued me is that she said that the girl is influenced by a manga.
Others come from my friends who said that her child exposed to child predator while playing online game. Due to that her child knows a lot about unappropriate words and think it is normal. It is hard to distinguish those things since my country doesn't have any sex education so basically we don't know anything about which one is appropriate and which one is not.
Well, I did read a lot of manga in my early days, I did know about all those things quite early probably compared to all my friends, but it didn't affect me. I did use a lot of "swear word", but I know when to use it. At certain point, I could distinguished what is acceptable and what is not (based on our environment norm) and act accordingly. I didn't consume all those things raw.
I often ask myself how can I survive from all those "bad influence". Did my parents actually supervised me? No in fact they didn't know that I read a lot of manga that is unproper for my age. They did give some value of their live to my unconscious mind. I could actually drift away from that but I choose to stick with my own famliy belief. So why, I did that?
Honestly I don't know. Probably along the way, I did practice a critical thinking without me realising it. I am pretty much aware what is my family belief. When I was faced with option (influence from my mang reading) I decided to choose what I can learn and applied in my life and leave all the rest that is unaligned with my family belief. Maybe deep down I know that I will get into trouble hahahaha. Let say I never had boyfriend during my school life. Did my parent ask me not too? The answer is yes. Did I do that because of my parents? No, hahhaha I was quite rebel. I didn't have boyfriend because I think it just a waste of time. After comparing the pro and con according to my situation that time. I decided it wasn't necessary so I didn't have one and didn't seek one although I have opportunities to have one.
Often as a parent we try to teach kids what is right and wrong. But we couldn't supervised the kids all the time. With all this growing information even adults struggle to make judgements which one is the truth. Kids is always curious so it's impossible to stop them. Preparing them to think critically is a good starting point. This book remind me that it's not easy. As you need to be challanged with things that is beyond your believe. I need to learn self control not to make prejudice and judgement that blind me from making a critical thinking. But even up until know I repeatedly clouded by my own argument, makes me unable to make a clear thinking.
Reading the book make me realise that parenting is not (and never been) easy. When I realised this I became more appreciating those who decide to be a child free family (I always admire those who have children and thought a little bit negatively for those who did child free family). I am certain it's not an easy decision, but perhaps that is the answer for their worries for rising the child. So have I been mentally prepared? Well, probably not now haha. I still need to learn a lot. Still lacking the skill of self awareness. hahaha
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"Kemewahan cenderung menjadi kebutuhan dan melahirkan kewajiban kewajiban baru. Begitu orang terbiasa dengan satu kemewahan tertentu mereka akan menerimanya sebagai suatu kewajaran. Lalu mereka mulai mengandalkannya. Akhirnya mereka mencapai satu titik di mana mereka tak bisa hidup tanpa kemewahan itu"
-- Sapiens
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"Nothing is going the way it should. I hastily subdue these feelings of impatience. All this anxiety and nervousness is sending my heart into disorder. . . "
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A home is not something that you can build without effort. It's tiring but you should ensure that you've got the right team. But, what if you are unsure?
Trapped in our mind. Nothing can come into light without honesty, without knowing what you really want. Nobody can read mind.
In the wood, we were trapped. Nothing but silence remain. The darkness slip into our mind. Worsening our fear inside our heart. I need your comfort, but only the wind came and hug.
In the end, the road seems rocky and dark. If there's an option, I don't even want to start the entire life.
Will I laugh, or will it end in sadness? For this time. I wish I could know the future.
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Fall, falling
I am falling deep. Hopeless with no way to escape.
If this is what I need to go through. I will break down before I can pass through it. Although things are uncertain. But I can't see no way out as for now. Where is this end, and where is the destination?
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“No one could ever know me. No one could ever see me. Seems you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me. Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with, someone I'll always laugh with. Even at my worst, I'm best with you,”
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Someday there will be time, I could say with confidence that I’m ready.
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“The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege” -- John H Watson (Sherlock Holmes Season 4)
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“I want somebody to share. Share the rest of my life. Share my innermost thoughts. Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side. And give me support. And in return she'll get my support.
She will listen to me when I want to speak. About the world we live in and life in general.
Though my views may be wrong. They may even be perverted. She'll hear me out and won't easily be converted.
To my way of thinking, in fact, she'll often disagree, but at the end of it all. She will understand me” (lyrics from google)
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In some part of our live we will be faced with two options. The options to be alone, and to be hold by someone. In the end, human are social creature. We want to have someone that accept us for whoever we are.
Realistically, there will be no one.
But that’s also fine. Human was born with a lot of differences, but the differences is what make us human. In the end of the day, we will talk about it, negotiate, and try to understand about it little by little.
And then we will have disagreement again! We talk about it again. Again. And the process will keep repeating as long as we alive.
Do I hate it? No, in fact, there is something in the differences between people that make it interesting. Let say, if everybody was born with the same mind, probably we will not know the world is round and the earth actually revolving against the sun (yeah thanks to Copernicus and Galileo). If we know that differences can change things into something better, then why we should hate it? Why we afraid of it? Why we avoid and run from it?
Maybe because it require a lot of courage to embrace it. And we need to take a huge leap of faith to ourselves. That no matter how different we are they will not reject us (yeah we all fear of abandonment and rejection). The differences will not bring us into problems if we believe it won’t. But again it depends on how you behave and react to it.
As for me, I want to believe. I want to believe that differences will bring an understanding and love.
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How much trust you should give to a person?
"Skies are grey. Start to fade. I guess I threw it all away
Sometimes I just wanna quit. Tell my life I'm done with it. When it feels too painful
Sometimes I just wanna say, "I love myself but not today". When it feels too painful
I smash my broken heart of gold"
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Life is like a maze, you past one hurdle to meet another one. In the process you can find your new self or you can slowly lose sight of yourself.
"Will I finish this maze and break free from it?"
Scared, you will be hunted by it over and over again. As the time goes by, you keep going round and round. Haven't able to pass the maze and see the light. At that time you might loose the courage once you've had.
Swollen by the shadow, taking you deep into it. And your foot slowly getting heavier. There! You found another extra problems that you need to solve to pass the maze -- dealing with your shadow.
" Another day goes away, like my smoking fumes only in my memory. what am I living for?
Slowly it goes away my youth,which I thought it would stay. In my empty heart there is nothing to look for..
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I forget little by little the love which I thought it will remain. another day goes away.."
Credit: https://lyricstranslate.com
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Adulthood the most confusing part of live.
A time when you feel hesitate over and over again.
Time for you to start healing yourself.
Becoming adult doesn't mean to stop you from becoming vulnerable.
In fact you will be faced with a lot of things that makes you vulnerable and feel worthless.
Keep procrastinating again and again.
The time when you stop depending on others and start to embrace your inner self.
Scared, but let's hope everything will be okay.
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Night, night
A shadow from the dark past still linger
Standing high, running alone
It still long until the tunnel end
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ねぇ 今ぼくの胸は はりつめてしまうばかりで
ただ 涙だけがだらしなくおちるのです
悲しみは波のように 何度も繰り返すらしい
悪い爪をはぐ時みたいにいつかゆっくり剥がれていくのかなぁ
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Actually, now my chest keeps tensing up and up, and my tear drops keep on falling without restraint
Sorrow and ocean waves are alike, because they both come back again and again.
Will it slowly leave me someday, just like a deformed nail being pulled off?
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(lyrics translation)
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Buat gw kuliah di luar negeri itu mimpi. Mimpi yang udah gw idam-idamkan sejak lama. Mimpi yang susah payah gw capai dengan persistensi dan godaan yang luar biasa. Iya, godaan untuk gak usah kuliah. Buat apa? Mending ngejar karir, atau mending nikah aja. Tapi, tepat di saat gw nyerah, mimpi itu datang. Membawa gw ke negeri awan, di selatan khatulistiwa.
Waktu berangkat, gw ngebawa ribuan bahkan jutaan mimpi. Semangat menggebu-gebu dan tekad luar biasa. Di otak gw, rencana-rencana traveling, menimba ilmu, dan segala aktivitas lainnya sudah mulai tersusun.
Kuliah, apalagi di negara orang memang sudah pasti gak bakal gampang. Penyesuaian bahasa, penyesuaian pola pikir, dan penyesuaian telinga bukan hal yang mudah. Dulu asal kutip jurnal dan merhatiin di kelas nilai bisa ditangan. Sekarang itu gak cukup. Gw dipaksa berpikir kritis. Bukan masalah. Tapi ketika dihadapkan dengan ilmu baru dan tumpukan jurnal berbahasa asing dengan penulisan yang tampak angkuh untuk dipahami itu, tentunya bukan hal yang mudah.
Tapi risiko-risiko itu memang ada untuk dinikmati. Dan gw pun udah paham kalau kuliah di negara orang gak segampang itu. Gak masalah, yang penting dinikmati saja kan perjalan ini.
Kemudian Covid-19 datang
Kini perjalanan ini berubah menjadi my lonely battle.
Beberapa teman memilih pulang sebelum negara tempatku menimba ilmu menutup border internasionalnya. Baru dua bulan gw tiba, negara ini mendadak lockdown total selama tiga bulan. Dari satu semester hanya satu bulan gw bisa kuliah tatap muka. Selebihnya online. Mudik pun gak bisa, karena ya itu border kan tutup. Kalau mudik artinya harus cuti kuliah dan gak tau kapan bisa lajut lagi.
Keuntungan jadi introvert, tentunya ini menyenangkan. Bisa kuliah di rumah. Gak perlu ketemu orang.
Setidaknya itu yang gw pikirin. Tapi kenyataannya, perlahan-lahan kondisi mental health gw turun. Gw kehilangan orang orang terdekat gw, baik phisically ataupu emosioally. Ada yang karena covid, takdir, dan karena waktu.
Besar di negara yang gak ngeh soal kesehatan mental, ngebuat gw abai. Anxiety, depresi, sampai intrusive thought udah kayak angin. Ditelen aja, saking gak ngehnya kalau itu gak sehat. Puncaknya gw sampai sakit-sakitan. Di situ gw tau ada yang salah.
I'm fine now. Well, I'm trying. I'm trying seeking for help. Even not from the closest one.
Tenyata kuliah di negara orang, ditambah dengan covid, bukan hal yang mudah. Buat kalian yang mau kuliah dengan kondisi covid. Sebaiknya dipikir lagi, apakah siap secara mental? karena ini bukan hal yang mudah. Seringkali kita gak akan bisa minta tolong dari orang terdekat kita. Gimana lagi. Semua sekarang sedang struggling. Pun, perbedaan waktu bukan hal yang mudah.
Kadang kita dipaksa untuk berjuang sendiri. Di sisi lain, kita gak ada pilihan lain selain maju. Siapa yang bakal ngerjain itu tugas kuliah kalau bukan diri sendiri.
Buat kalian yang sedang kuliah dan sedang mengalami your lonely battle. Kalian gak sendirian. You did a great job! With all the struggling, saddness, and loneliness, you keep walking forward. Tears and pain in between your assignment try to stop you, but you decided to face it. It must be hard, good job, and thank you to still walking :)
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