yourresidentthembo - Tumblr blog

yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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any time I play a game with a customizable character & I say I wish they could be fatter people without fail, every single time, are like “it’s fantasy 🙄”

ok what if in my wildest fantasies where i can fly or do spells or ride dragons or date trolls i’m still chubby? what if I don’t aspire to skinniness and my weight is already my idealized self what then

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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i hate when i send someone a meme in another language and they're like "uhm... translate? 😒" fucker i sent you a meme where 90% of the words have an english cognate and/or you don't need to know what they're saying to find it funny. can you at least TRY

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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somehow the poor cops who we were told are simply too understaffed and underpaid because of Woke to deal with 'rampant rising crime' have found the strength to beat the shit out of college students across the whole country for peacefully saying "divest from the country killing innocent palestinians in the tens of thousands"

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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I was on a Discord call with my buddy, and I said “BRB” and then I woke up. Words cannot describe the feeling I got when I realized what just happened.

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Johnny slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Johnny what’s wrong.

“Well,” replies Johnny, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well,” says Johnny, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Johnny, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my p-nis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

“Sensible” says Jeff.

“So I get to her door,” says Johnny, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”

(Johnny slumps back over the bar again.)

“I kicked her in the face.”

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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imagine two mated wyrms twisting around each other, possessing an uncountable number of limbs, each claw of good or evil interlocked with its opposite, the coil twists further around itself into a skein of flesh. how i would describe DNA to a wizard

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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date idea: i bite you

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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cuddling doesn't have to be romantic

cuddling can be platonic.

cuddle your friends

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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I love when kinky people are like “I’m such a freak in private. You’d never guess that in my normal life I’m a nerd who works in tech and plays DND.” Babygirl yes we would.

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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oh no

Reblogging would be a great help, but don’t feel pressured to

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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now that workin boys is out

yall-

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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The bust of a middle aged man made out of butter was sitting on my bathroom counter. It turned and began to scream at me, but the scream was utterly silent. Everything was so silent. I was so frightened of the butter bust.

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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New discourse: it's actually predatory to date someone with a different star sign than you, because the differences in your personalities means you'll never be able to have exactly the same life experiences, thus leaving a knowledge and power gap between the two of you which will inevitably lead to an abusive relationship!

also if you're a Sag and you're dating a Taurus, that means you're secretly seeking a May-December relationship, which is age gap coded!

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yourresidentthembo · 2 hours

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