youre-my-wanderlust - Tumblr blog

youre-my-wanderlust · 6 months

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There is nothing that will convince me you will stay.

You've left people who you were more invested in.

So why would you stay with me?

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youre-my-wanderlust · 9 months

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Sometimes I call people to reminisce in the memories.

You just whispered good morning to me in your sleep.

I hate that I love you.

I hate that you're here and I hate I let you back.

We're done here... we both know it.

I need to stop beating the dead horse.

I need to heal. And you here hurts me.

When you're gone it hurts worse.

I need to grow the calluses.

I need to stand on my own.

I have to figure this out.

#mike

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youre-my-wanderlust · 10 months

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Why does every guy I love learn to hate me?

Why does every guy I've loved want to hurt me?

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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All good things are worth waiting for and worth fighting for.

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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Im afraid to talk to you.

I fear the backlash.

You give so much..

How can I possibly ask for more?

I just miss my best friend.

And I cant get him back.

Cause that's selfish.

Im like a kid crying for their parents.

I want you back so bad..

But you're standing right in front of me..

How could I have done this to myself.

So im just listening to music that says all the things I wish I could say to you.

I want to give up..

Not on you.

Not on us.

Just me.

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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I hurt so much these days.

I miss being numb.

I miss the razor.

This is the issue.

Quitting cigarettes makes me miss my other fixes.

And its very bad.

The craving.

And I feel you hating me.

I feel it more and more everyday.

And I keep hating me too.

Cause im pushing you away.

And my heart..

It hurts so bad.

I cant stand this pain anymore.

Suicidal is the word.

Or it's the closest thing to it.

Im sorry.

Im trying to be strong.

But I can only hold the weight of the world for so long.

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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I feel like you hate me.

And talking about it..

Or thinking about it...

Just immediately makes me cry.

My depression is really bad, and I don't want to ask for help.

Partly because I don't know how to start that conversation.

And partly because I don't want to take more from you.

But you're going to leave of I keep acting like this..

Pushing you away...

You're going to leave.

And it will destroy me.

I once said I was entirely prepared to be destroyed by you.

Not anymore.

I cant lose you.

Cause I will lose myself.

I wouldnt be destroyed by you anymore.

The word for it would be so much more severe.

Obliterated.

Not even rubble to rebuild.

Just dust.

And I wish I could say something beautiful could come of it.

But just a plume of dust swirling where you once stood.

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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WHAT YOU MISSED THAT DAY YOU WERE ABSENT FROM FOURTH GRADE

Mrs. Nelson explained how to stand still and listen to the wind, how to find meaning in pumping gas, how peeling potatoes can be a form of prayer. She took questions on how not to feel lost in the dark After lunch she distributed worksheets that covered ways to remember your grandfather’s voice. Then the class discussed falling asleep without feeling you had forgotten to do something else— something important—and how to believe the house you wake in is your home. This prompted Mrs. Nelson to draw a chalkboard diagram detailing how to chant the Psalms during cigarette breaks, and how not to squirm for sound when your own thoughts are all you hear; also, that you have enough. The English lesson was that I am is a complete sentence. And just before the afternoon bell, she made the math equation look easy. The one that proves that hundreds of questions, and feeling cold, and all those nights spent looking for whatever it was you lost, and one person add up to something.

BRAD AARON MODLIN

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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October 15th, 2022 16:47

I hate it.

That I have to hold my tongue.

You are withdrawing.

You just finished the smalley I got you 6 hours ago.

Im worried.

And it hurts my heart.

But I want to see you get better.

I need to help you, but the delirium..

It's hard to show you tough love.

Maybe it's called tough love because it goes both ways.

It's hard for me to show it, and it's hard for you to deal with it.

I hate that I'm not better for you.

Im so far gone now baby..

Im trying to claw my way back up.

But I just thought of something.

That made my throat close, my eyes water and my chest ache.

You won't be next to me tonight.

You won't be here...

And im having a really hard time coping with that right now.

I miss you so much.

Because you're not you when you're withdrawing..

And I already think im awful.

And you can only remember me being mad at you during withdrawal

But not the actions that triggered it.

And it lays it in the foundation of my hearts home.

Im awful to you.

I still don't know what I did, or how I did it...

But I've somehow charmed, tricked.

I've convinced you im worth a damn.

And im sorry.

Im so sorry.

You have a big heart.

Inherently making lost causes your niche.

No wonder you fell for me.

Im the worst lost cause you'll meet.

I don't get to feel bad. I don't get to be upset.

Because I made the choice to put you in this position.

Im sorry.

A million times over, I apologize.

And when I say I'm sorry, I mean it in its definition.

I will do everything in my power to not let it happen again.

I won't love another.

Because I won't let anyone get that close.

Im sorry.

But I won't let you kill yourself.

Im sorry.

But you don't get to die here.

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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Being close to you made me uncomfortable. Not because of who you were but because of who I was. How could you love someone who was a stranger to their own skin. Who had more secrets than friends. Whose smile was smudged by cynicism.

Every time you looked me in my eyes, I turned away. Every time you reached for my hand, I moved it to my pocket. Every time you tried to get close, I found a reason not to trust you. A reason not to trust me, a reason not to trust my own judgement .

There was a part of me that told myself I was wrong, wrong in thinking I could not be loved. While the other part of me insisted I was right, right in thinking love was not possible for me.

This war inside me never ceased. You became collateral damage. My heart became a collateral casualty. And our love became a martyr.

-Quantum Bliss

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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October 8th, 2022

I realized I hardly write anymore.

And I think it's because I'm afraid to face the demons I have inside.

The other part of me thinks it's a different reason entirely.

I don't want to blink.

I don't want to close my eyes.

I don't want to look away.

You are my missing piece.

My better half.

And I cant stop seeing a future with you.

Im so excited for the road we walk together.

I just hope that forever gives me enough time.

It could take 7 billion years.

And they still won't be able to make a word That describes how I feel about you.

So few people in their lives get this kind of love.

Soon, I'll be pregnant.

And our son will grow up with all the reassurance in the world.

Because you will be there, to help show him the right path.

You will teach our little boy - our baby, how to be a respectable man with good morals.

You will teach him how to lead, and the courage it takes to succeed in that role.

I just know you will be the best father.

11/10

I just keep begging the universe...

If it's a girl...

Please grant me the strength and knowledge to guide our baby girl into a woman.

Even then I will need your help.

To teach her to respect herself, and how she should be treated.

Im still learning what I deserve.

I guess you'll teach us both.

There's no doubt in my mind.

You have the biggest heart.

I love you baby.

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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I Always knew that you'd come back to get me

And you always knew that it wouldn't be easy

To go back to the start to see where it all began

Or end up at the bottom to watch how it all ends

You always thought that I left myself open

But you didn't know I was already broken

I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad

But pulling away it took everything I had

The pain of it all, the rise and the fall

I see it all in you

Now everyday I find myself say

"I want to get lost in you"

I'm nothing without you

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you

Let me inside

Let me get close to you

Change your mind

I'll get lost if you want me to

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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Noone can hurt my heart quite like you

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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I don't understand.

Why you're so angry with me.

But I think I would be too.

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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When we first met we were broken and apart,

But all it really took was one look at your heart.

Yeah you sport a ranger, and have a tattoo,

But from that very moment, I knew I loved you.

Then we got a room, some space to be real.

I showed you all my cards, and they did not appeal.

Yeah, im not worthy, and yeah we're gonna fight.

But all I need is for you to be next to me every single night.

I promise to do more, I want to be your hand.

It's hard to get better, I just want to understand.

We may have had a slow beginning, some would say a rusty start.

I always, knew that in the end you would hold my heart.

I put up my walls, and Baracaded the doors.

I wish the dishonesty, didn't start our wars.

Beyond that, I had given up my morals.

And to myself I must be true.

The most honest thing I've ever said, is that I love you.

Your family is sweet, and mine have their quirks.

But I think it will be ok, cause whatever it is works.

I think my dad would like your sister, and your mother too.

I can only imagine their smiles once we say I do.

Im really bad at endings, but one thing I know.

The best thing is your smile.

And I would love to watch you glow.

But I fucked it up,

Cause im just a piece of shit.

God knows you never would, but I definately deserve to get hit.

I just know I'll miss you everyday.

But I think it would hurt alot more, forcing you to stay.

I thought this was a love poem, I just didn't know

That this kinda love will leave me buried head to toe.

But im the one to blame

There's noone else around.

Everyone can see my shame.

It's measured by the pound.

Im sorry to have made you love me

But now I think you've known

To love me is to hate me

And im reaping what I've sown.

I never wanted to cause you pain.

You've brought me so much joy.

But I understand leaving is your gain.

I don't deserve to be more, or even just a toy.

I want to be yours,

And you too be mine,

But I think it makes enough sense..

I really fucked up this time.

So with a heavy chest,

Im offering you a way out.

So now you can go on your quest

And I'll go a different route.

Please understand, I gave you my everything

And I wish I did it sooner.

Cause now I wish we could be anything.

But we can't...

Cause im the ruiner.

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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soulmates but not in a soft romantic way soulmates in a destined to change each other for better or for worse, cannot be who they are without each other, unstoppable together but they’re also the only ones who can defeat each other, equals, existences undeniably tied to each other way

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youre-my-wanderlust · 2 years

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I want to write you galaxies.

I want to feel your energy.

They say as above so below.

And im so happy our atoms came together a million light years away.

Just so you could steal my breath and sweep me off my feet.

I want so much to mean the same to you.

And I know I've fucked up.

I know I have work to do.

But im going to do it if it means I'm with you in the end.

It makes me happy, just knowing when my time on this earth is done...

My remains will be next to yours.

And we will be there for eternity.

When I kiss you I feel forever.

And I get a glimpse of what heaven really means.

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