March 5 2k20 Thursday

I’m so glad to have my hours back at work. I wonder what my biopsy says about my thing. 

Dylen broke up with me last night. I wish I would have just been more patient, more understanding of his situation. I wish I wasn’t such a stressful jerk. I just want to make him happy and get through life with him. I don’t want to just give up and throw the past 2 months away. I want to succeed with him and rise above the problems of the world. He said it was a bad time and that we can try again later down the road. I really hope that is true. I don’t want to lose a man like him, he is honestly so amazing. 

I should have realized how stressful I was being. I feel so stupid, any time something is going amazingly right it always falls through. I shouldn’t have to have everything spelled out for me. I should just be more aware of my actions and their outcomes. I shouldn’t freak out because I’m not the center of his world, he is an amazing and hardworking man that has been busy. 

I hope there is a shot for us later down the road. That boy deserves the world and I pray that I can be the one to give it to him. I feel so bad about this whole thing. I feel so bad about this whole thing. I really just wish I knew what to do about the whole thing. I feel like I’m forcing my end of it more than I should. 

I just wish I had a better idea of what to do or how to feel. I’m so tired of fighting for my life. My entire life has always been this constant battle. I don’t know why there has been this war waged inside of me but I just want it to be done. I just want to be happy. I don’t want any drama or fighting. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter or that I’m not good enough. I just want to be happy and feel free.

Scream.

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3 March 2k20 Tuesday

I feel so weird constantly. As if I don’t know what I’m doing or where I am going.  I guess that’s just life.

I’m glad Dylen and I are dating but like I don’t get why he can’t text me but will respond to my friends and talk to other girls. 2 months down, 13 to go. I wonder if he will still want to be with me. I’m really nervous about flying out there for his birthday. I requested the days off on Sunday. I hope it gets approved. 

Bro like every day I think about Eric and it makes me feel hella bad. Like I want to talk to him and enjoy his presence but I feel so guilty. Like if I hadn’t blacked out on new years we probaly would have ended up dating. 

I just gotta tough this out if he doesn’t break up with me while he is out. I know things could be hella good if he was actually here. 

I really want to take a literature and art class at Butte. I think it would be super neat. I need to get my cars reg tags out of the way and put a lean on it. I need to call Ampla to see the results of the biopsy. I wish I could have gotten a scholarship. 

23 February 2k20 Sunday

It’s Tanners birthday today!! 

I don’t even know what’s going on anymore really. Robin basically fired me for being sick. I feel like I’m always doing something wrong. I feel like Dylen doesn’t want to be with me anymore but idk I feel like he would say that if that was the case. Idk I feel like he’s waiting until I move out. 

Robin won’t answer my calls or texts. She hasn’t for weeks. She just gets mad at the things I do and its stupid. She should tell me what I do wrong instead of cutting hours for it. Also, I’m pretty sure its illeagel to do that but idkk. To cut an employees hours because they are sick? Like wtf man.

Everything I do is always wrong in some regard. I get in trouble for telling someone who I’m supposed to trust that her friends stole from me. I alays do everything wrong and idk what I can do to just do things right and basically get my throat ripped out for it. 

Why is life so bunk sometimes lolol

#OverIt

20 Feb 2k20 Thursday

Life is so weird. It’s like when things are going good they always seem to go black and get empty. This is why it’s so hard for me to trust what people say and never really get too comfortable anywhere. I always end up shut out and its wild. 

I want to have faith in things and hope things will work for the best but it doesn’t happen like that. We as humans have to work, bust our asses and earn what we want. May that be peace, money, stability or anything else. Nothing in life is free and we have to stay as strong as we can in order to acheive happiness. It’s hard to trust things. 

I don’t know where I’m going with my life right now, I feel like I’m just kind of coasting through everything. I don’t know what I want my future to be. I just want to be happy because I’m hella tired of everything in lfe right now. I just hope I am on the right track at least. 

My current goals are to get a better job or get my hours fixed, to get my car registered. Become more independent. Find another living situation within the next 2 weeks. That’s impossible right now with Robin cutting my hours. 

TBC

2 February 2k20

Sunday

I keep thinking of this metaphor I once heard. Don't try too hard to protect yourself or you may end up hurting yourself. This metaphor comes from a story about a snake that wrapped itself around a knife.

A snakes natural defense is to constrict in order to kill the threat. As he tried relentlessly to protect himself he was only hurting himself more. The snake eventually died because he did not think to just release the knife.

I don't know why I keep thinking about this particular metaphor but I'm sure it has some sort of significance. I also keep having dreams about my dad. I don't know why I keep dreaming about these though.

I also keep starting new art projects but I never find the muse to finish them. I'm working on an octopus man for my friend Tony. It was just his birthday. The big 25 I hope he got that SpongeBob cake. I started on a boat to add to it but I think I need to make a middle piece for it to blend together a little better.

I need to find something new to work on. I also decided I want a small Yoshi tattoo on my right wrist. Like the size of a quarter.

I talked to Dylen. He's not mad at me he's just been busy. I shouldn't be so paranoid all the time.

On our trip to Sac last night 🖤 So much fun I'm glad I was able to go with you guys 😁 Those birds were wildin there were so many!! That sunset was to die for, but it was gone in the blink of an eye. #SquaddTime #FunWithTheFamaree #Sac #FishNets https://www.instagram.com/p/B8B2qrOgROB_FQKrL6zjDWOMeOjZUNr0k2C6BE0/?igshid=o1xaeu6tod4c

31 January 2020

Life is so weird lately and not in a bad way. Things are changing, life is improving and things are just awesome. Except that my stupid ass lost my car key AT the STORE in the parking lot like the biggest dummy ever XD

Kara and I have been hanging out, her MacKayla and I went on a walk yesterday evening. It was so nice to walk around, feel the fresh air and make memories. It was so crazy, 2 pitties ran up on us! One of them was named Rocko and the other name I can’t remember. They were very friendly and just wanted to play, but it was dangerous because of the fast cars. I’m glad nobody hit them. We stayed with them for about 15 or 20 minutes until the owner arrived and took them home.

The first thing MacKayla and I did together was making some cookies. We baked some cookie dough from Papa Murphys. They were good, I think I left them in a little too long though I’m not sure. I thought they were good. The next semi bonding thing we did after the cookies, all 3 of us were sitting around the table painting and drawing while chatting and listening to music. It was super fun! I made an eye, Kara painted a truck and MacKayla made a few pictures but was learning how to draw animals.

Yesterday, Nae Kara and I layed out in the yard and soaked up the sun. We did leg lifts and squats (this was all before the walk) and talked about the most random things. I hope Kara and I are good friends, she seems really cool and we vibin :) :P 

Dylen hasn’t really talked to me in a few days so I hope he isn’t mad at me. I’m just hoping hes busy or something. He is honestly so sweet. I can’t wait to go see him for his birthday! My flight is on the 16th, I’ll get there on the 17th at 5am and leave on the 20th at about 845/9pm and be back in Sac on the 21st.

Since Valentines Day is coming up, I sent him some pink starbursts. I know they are his favorite. It should be getting there in the next few days. I hope we work out. Ever since we were kids I’ve had the biggest crush on him. 

When we were in 7th grade one time we were texting and I was being dumb and dramatic and I was saying how “I’m a Cinderella with no prince to save me” and he was like “what am I chopped liver?”. The first night we stayed up here, he even took my shoes off and when we got into bed he said, “There now I can’t be liver” and I think of that all the time honestly. I am so lucky to be his girlfriend. 

It’s so great because I know that he will treat me right but at the same time he won’t put up with bullshit and keeps shit real. Also he’s down to be a freak whick I loooove heheheehe <3

Today we will be going down to Sacramento to pick up a couch. I hope the drive is fun, I love going on drives so much!! I need to go to WalMart and get some construction paper, tape, glue, my pictures printed out and gel markers. I’m going to make a photo board to hang up on the wall :) I’m not sure what I want to title it yet. I was thinking something like “My Life” or “Adventures so Far” “On This Journey” I’m sure I’ll choose something cool. 

Art by Koyori n

Dark Woods by Alexandria Neonakis

See you in the dream-scape

Mostly every night when I go to sleep I have lucid and very vivid dreams. Some nights its me asking for pear jam after waking up from a 3month “nap”. Other times its me running from one end of the word to the other just to see what it has to offer and bond with its people.  This one was not recent, but it is where the title comes from. There was this time I was at Enloe with a worker there and was walking through the building with her. We ran into a few of her coworkers and started chatting about life, our current affairs and what our goals were. It was weird because I felt an odd tingling sensation like my spirit had left my body or something wild like that. In that moment, the man I was talking to turned to me smiled and said “I will see you in the ‘dream-scape’” turned and walked away. 

A few days later, maybe a week I had been hit by a car (I wasn’t injured, though I felt my brain was leaking [always wear a helmet!] so I had the woman take me to the er) While I was sitting there waiting to be seen, I began hallucinating. I saw images of the man who told me he would see me in the dreamscape, I saw myself running through all of my town. He had a giant hand, bigger than the size of 3 school busses. He picked me up by my ponytail and liften me up to his eye level which was somewher in the atmosphere. He told me that I should slow down and appreciate all of the little moments I have with my family. That I should be more understanding and not as quick to judge. 

This was something that really stuck with me, I dont know why but it was so important to me. Whenever I am reminded of this I wonder if there is a greater meaning to what was happening behind my skeleton. I wonder what made me see him in particullar. 

The most recent dream I’ve had was that I had woken from a 3 month slumber. I immeadetly asked to see Alpha Allan and for a jar of pear jam. Though I got neither of those things, the dream persisted. I was somewhere in the woods, there was much snow everywhere I looked was a tree stock or was white snow. I was able to stand, look and take everything in for a while.

Shortly I was picked up from the woods by my friends husband, I kept asking him for pear jam but nothing else. When I had come to the realization that there was no pear jam to be had, I became very quiet and reclusive. We had been driving for what seemed like hours now. As we were driving, he came across this bridge. He drove straight off of it and we landed in a pit of sand with several other vehicles. I remember a very small white truck next to us, when they opened their driver door 8 people came out of this truck big enough to hold 2, maybe 3. I was astonished, as I was overlooking them I noticed that their winsheild said something of the sorts a bout “kartracers” and when the drivers door was opened, there were stickers of each character selection from MarioKart8. I immeadetly started talking to them trying to figure out how they all got into that tiny space.

As we were conversating, they told me of their lives, dreams, passions, successes and everthing else they could. Soon, I began to notice that the sand surrounding my feet had been falling away, like reverse quicksand. I ran back to Kayden and we began driving again. He drove me around for hours, I don’t remember reaching our final destenation, or what our destenation was. But I remember he and Courtney helped keep me safe and on the chosen path.

AAAAAAAAAA

Lilith by Igor Sid