my free association @ 7:34 in the morning

reading tolstoy and his transfixion on death and how pierre, levin, andrei...all think about death and how imminent it is, how fleeting life is, how almost crushing and heavy that knowledge is...and yet knowing how obsessed and afraid tolstoy was of death...that was two hundred years ago. and now he also is one of the dead...in a way, it is so interesting. comforting? we are all going to die; it is inevitable.

each person is so attached to who they are as a person, to their soul and surroundings, to their individuality..and yet people die at the age of 2. at 16. at 32. at 100. some people aren’t able to “live life fully.” but what does that even mean? what is living life to the best of our “ability”? and why do we still think we have agency, that we have importance, that our life is meaningful? millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of people have died, are dying, and will die without any remembrance to them. we aren’t even specks of dust in this vacuum of a universe. compared to eternity, we are absolutely nothing. completely worthless. and when the world ends, and when humanity collapses, and when there is no longer such a thing as living; when the earth falls apart and humans, thoughts, feelings, and a soul all vanish and no longer can be comprehended; and no one is left alive to even realize there was such a thing as a soul, then what is the point? 

and yet why do i still care so much? as tolstoy thought two hundred years ago, i am too weak to no longer fear dying. i still care so much. i don’t want to die. i still want to see emmy get married and have kids. i want to see my parents retire and travel the world. with me gone, it wouldn’t be the same kind of happiness for them. right? or is it selfish of me to think that? to think that if i end it now, maybe emmy would be filled with such sadness? that getting married and having children would have a sort of bittersweet tranquility rather than an unflinching joy? that my parents would, if traveling through europe, think of how i should be there with them too? and that that would make them sad? is it selfish of me to want to cling on to this stupid, meaningless ‘life’ for those reasons and those reasons alone?

4/30/2021 7:54am

coming out

i never thought i’d have to come out as asexual. i never thought i’d have to identify as queer, as part of the lgbtq+ community. i liked boys, i’ve only liked boys, i’ll only ever like boys. but despite this “normal”, “natural” romantic attraction, me not having sexual attraction is seen by society as strange, repulsive, unordinary, alien. but it has always been so normal to me, as normal as breathing or sleeping or thinking. this natural part of me, society sees it as not normal, therefore identifying me as queer. now i understand just how constraining society is. anyone not heterosexual or cis is automatically seen as not normal - when that’s just how we are, that’s how we were born and that’s how we’ve always felt. it’s strange, how society hates anything that doesn’t align with their agenda. what’s so wrong about me not wanting or desiring sex? that doesn’t hurt anyone. being gay doesn’t hurt anyone. being bi doesn’t hurt anyone. being transgender doesn’t hurt anyone. being asexual doesn’t hurt anyone. if anything, it hurts the person who identifies as these sexual/gender orientations the most. because society is so oppressive and adamant on rejecting anyone who isn’t “normal.” god, and what even is normal? normal stems from western society and its historically patriarchal, white-supremist, hateful systems of oppression. holy fuck. 

1/22/2021

“is it selfish to kill myself?”

i want to i want to die so badly because there’s no point to any of this especially if i’m not even enjoying myself also i’m so ugly i hate myself and my skin and my hair and my face and myself as a person and i’m so lonely i’m all alone physically and mentally too i’m dwindling and i just want this quarter to end and then the next quarter and then the next quarter and then the next quarter and then i graduate but what happens next? i just look for jobs, look for jobs, then i work and work and work for what? what am i working for? i don’t want to get married or have children or have a career so what’s the point of it all? the only thing holding me back is my family. sometimes i’m so selfish and wish that they’d die so i would no longer have any reason to live.

baby love

we met four times. first, as babies on a sunny sunday afternoon, our cheeks plump and rosy, our chubby fingers reaching out towards one another for the first of many times, our mothers’ bright red round mouths cooing in awe beside our fragrant wrinkly necks, a mosaic of pinks from our lips and creams from our palms and browns from our hair. second, as children becoming the so-called phenomena of teenagers, a blend of angst and anxiety and eagerness and hope for a connection, as we chewed our sour rice and played with our bitten straws. third, as fully developed so-called phenomena of teenagers wearing clothes too big for our growing hearts, our eyes finally see each other for the first time, and we look and smile and approve and we begin rolling down the hill of our adolescence. and fourth, as lovers, our bodies that had developed the smell of sweat and stress and lust, and our hearts filled with bliss of the ignorance of real love, and once again our fingers reach out towards one another, this time with desire rather than comfort, and finally touching, then gently holding, then grabbing, then asserting. and then after we are lovers, we are babies once more. after we let go, we cry and wail, we suck our thumbs for comfort and hide in our mother’s bosoms, and we have no thoughts at all, only our two second baby attention spans and unrecognizable baby feelings. 

we met four times. as babies, as children, as teenagers, and as lovers. will we meet again someday as adults? in our outgrown blazers and flimsy sunglasses and streaked hair? will we feel again, as we once did, and find each other’s eyes in the midst of the bleak mosaic that once was pinks and creams and browns? i wish nothing more, no more soft kisses or sweaty thighs or arched backs, but just your fingers to once again interlock mine. 

babies we came as and babies we left. but now that the innocence is gone, can we really love as the so-called adults do? that raw, no longer pure, isolated and passionless love. the actions rather than the feelings. in a selfish way, i hope to see you once more again someday when we are adults, so that i can feel relieved that i do not have to love you ever again. not in the way adults love. 

that is why i cannot love you anymore. because i cannot love you as an adult and only as a baby. but we killed them, the babies. us babies, our babies. so the memories of our baby love will slowly fade into the darkness of our adult minds and the feelings of our baby love will slowly fade into the darkness of our adult hearts. and they will fade, and fade, and fade, and fade, and fade, and fade, and fade, and fade...

10.27.20 5:11pm

my past life

i’m going to write about my complex relationship with religion and its effects from the past eighteen years of my life. this is going to be extremely long because church and religion was my entire identity for most of my life. however now, i can confidently say i’m atheist...but even while knowing this, saying it aloud makes me scared. why is my initial reaction to denouncing christianity/god is feeling afraid? i think this alone just shows how greatly religion and church affected me--and not in the most positive ways.

i admit, religion and growing up in the church helped develop strong characteristics within me. especially when my faith was strongest in middle schools and parts of high school, i felt more comfortable in my interactions with other people. however, this comfort never equated to confidence. i can’t say i was ever confident in my identity for the majority of my relationship with god, but always actively seeking that confidence. i never felt happy or content in myself, and church continually told me that would never happen. “you will only reach ‘true’ confidence when you give yourself fully to god.” growing up, i thought i understood that, yet i also knew it’s impossible to fully die to yourself. i would ask my pastor “how can we fully give ourselves to god when sin will always be in the way?” they always responded: “you can’t but you need to try.” meaning...you can never reach full confidence in your identity. which means this constant struggle will be a constant cycle. i tried my hardest to be content with trying, no matter how often i grew disappointed with myself. however, this is only one in a million cycles i’ve had within my faith.

after realizing i could never reach my full potential/confidence having a relationship with jesus (and telling myself that that’s okay--i need to be humble anyways), i noticed other characteristics the church fostered within me: humility, selflessness, and gratefulness to outside forces. let me go deeper with this: although all those traits have positive connotations, i believe now that such traits are ultimately negative, deceiving, and destroy one’s self.

humility: defined as “ low self-regard and sense of unworthiness”, this trait, or rather a lifestyle--was the one thing i wanted most. i wrote countless captions on my instagram talking about wanting humility (the proof is still out there), prayed every single day, and cried whenever i found myself “not as i should.” i wanted to be so naturally humble that i’d automatically put myself above others without second thought. this trait i craved not for “myself” but to please god and to spread his goodness, by being a good person. now however, i look upon humility and selflessness as disgusting traits. i realized that the purpose in life, as cliche as it sounds, is to be happy. and if my happiness only came from serving god, as i learned in church (ultimate happiness is from god), then i’d never be happy. why serve others when you can serve yourself? 

this topic can get confusing and i often lose track of mind while thinking about this, so bear with me as i sort this out. a loose overview of christianity would be how jesus died for everyone on earth to repay for our sins, and because god loves us. why does god love us? because he created us. why did he create us? because he “needed” praise from humans and already loved us. so then why would god create us humans, who are sinful and pretty much horrible, and give us free will? because he loves us.

because he loves us. the answer for pretty much anything. now delving into this--the act of refusing god’s great love is one of the biggest sins. often times, pastors ask: “how can you reject god when knowing he has sooo so so much love for you?” and then you get filled up with so much emotion because wow, this great, amazing, omnipotent creator of all things, loves me! how beautiful. how convenient! he’s so great we can’t even comprehend his amount of love. god is happy when we love him back. isn’t that why he created us? for us to love him? so then, taking this into account, our entire purpose in life is to praise god. which means, we are incapable of being happy if we didn’t believe in him. and you hear that all the time in church: “you can never truly be happy without god.” “you’ll feel this emptiness without him.” “before i was a christian, i didn’t know myself and i was miserable.”

then how come so many christians deal with depression, anxiety, loneliness, and unhappiness when we have the knowledge of our entire purpose in life? 

this leads us back into the topic of happiness (my belief in the entire purpose of life). when i first experienced the holy spirit and god, i felt “transformed.” i wanted to change myself for god, to become a better human and love him above everything. yet always the spiritual high crashed, and i would (like everyone else) lose motivation. yet again, another time later, i would feel god’s love for me and again attempt to give my all to god. i even convinced myself that knowing of god’s love instead of feeling it (because emotions are temporary) would help me grow closer to jesus and change myself as a person.

and isn’t that what christianity ultimately is? at the core, although we mask it as “trying our best to love god”, isn’t it about us weak humans attempting to change ourselves, and to ultimately makes ourselves happy? now, before i would scoff at that remark. “no, it’s about making god happy!”

...isn’t that even worse? 

you may think i feel this way because i never truly knew god, therefore of course i fell out of christianity. but i can tell you with full confidence that i, with all my heart and entire being, believed in god. from the bottom of my heart and in the deepest parts of my soul, i knew jesus loved me, that he died for me, and my purpose of life was to praise him. then, how did i fall out of this?

now i haven’t even started about the concept of heaven and hell.

-childlike faith (innocence, naive)

-the church and how it shaped me

-creating religion

-flexing ideals to what u want

my ideals:

-selfishness

better

it’s been five months since i’ve written something. i think i’m healed. i’m in love again, too. everything will be okay.

07.28.19 11:07am

to those i love

i’m going to tell you a little something, because i trust you all. and it has been almost six months.

i know it would have been better to tell in person--face to face--to make it more personal, more real. but i’ve been overwhelmed with feelings of “they won’t understand”, and i’m too scared to see your reactions. i’m afraid of apathy, of misunderstanding, or just a plain old “i’m so sorry!” and then the conversation moves on. so i’ll just be vaguely vulnerable with you all because that seems to be the best solution, the best way for me to avoid feeling hurt.

it all happened at the end of august, beginning of september. a boy i really liked, who made my heart flutter, who made me smile, admitted he liked me also. key word: admitted. not confessed, not told, but hesitatingly admitted, almost as if shamed or embarrassed. before admitting this to me, he hung the question of “who do you think i like?” over my head, as if i were a dog chasing after a treat; he made me beg to ask who he liked, and laughed looking at the desperation i pretended to feel in order to please him. finally he said, “yeah” when i finally asked if it were me. “yeah.”

this basically described our entire three week ‘relationship’. “yeah.”

unfortunately, at my regret, i was thrilled. so thrilled i overlooked so many--too many, things. basically, not only did he treat me like some fucking dog, but he was an abusive owner. within those three weeks, he managed to physically, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually abuse me. let’s go into a little more detail. with the not so bad ones first.

he didn’t drive. so i did. he lived thirty minutes away, and within those three weeks i had driven to pick him up over nine times. i bought him meals, drove him everywhere, even bought him a fucking champion hoodie that was $60...wtf i was so stupid...and in return, he bought me two meals. which actually isn’t too bad, i’m just upset with the amount of gas i spent on this fucker.

next: he didn’t like me. when i did. after this all ended he later told me he didn’t even like me, but was talking to other girls at the same time. “i just like it when a lot of girls like me...sorry.” ....................hey! just imagine! the boy you really like, the boy you spent so much time with, the boy who you prioritized. fucking. lied. to. you. fucking USED you. didn’t even fucking LIKE you. if anything, despite how he mistreated me in so many different ways, if anything i wish he at least LIKED ME.

...and somehow he was able to freely accept those meals, that free hoodie, the long drives without feeling guilt. all those heartfelt long texts i sent him...all those feelings i had for him...he said he was SORRY but didn’t feel as GUILTY as he should. he literally told me that. he didn’t feel that bad. what the fuck.

oh and next! he objectified me haha! he didn’t even see me as a person, but an object of pleasure. and this is why i’m SO SO SO triggered when women are objectified. GOD I WISH I COULD JUST SCREAM AHUHEGIUHSHAEGHOAGOHI I FUCKING HATE OBJECTIFICATION. anyways, so this guy who KNEW he was lying to me, and KNEW he didn’t like me, still thought it was okay to assault me. he LITERALLY FUCKING PUSHED ME ON THE GROUND AND PINNED HIS ARMS AGAINST MY SHOULDERS TO TRY AND KISS ME. and i would turn my head and say “no.” over and over and over again. “no, no no no no, no, NO.” but he never listened. he pushed me against walls. he touched my body in inappropriate places despite my cries. i even slapped him, but he just laughed.

he just laughed.

“yeah.”

i should’ve known it was all a lie. from that very first “yeah.” but it isn’t my fault. it isn’t my fault i was lied to. i felt like my heart was ripped when he admitted he never liked me. i had told myself he only assaulted me because he liked me so much. i fucking THOUGHT that. but no. no. NO. 

he never fucking liked me.

he even, in that goddamn “apology” i talked about earlier, said “sorry i didn’t know you were that weak or fragile...” 

weak? fragile?

yeah i must have been soooo weak because i wasn’t able to physically avoid your attempts. i must have been soooo fragile for not knowing what to do, because this thing never happened to me before. and should have never happened, to me or to anyone. i was sooo weak for hating how you touched me and grabbed me and groped me, i should have loved that huh? but i guess i’m not fucking strong. fuck you.

yes, i sound incredibly angry. but it’s because i’m so hurt. i’m so sad, still. it’s been six months and when i hear his name i freeze. every time i have seen him, i get anxiety attacks and have to hide in the bathroom, crying because i’m so fucking traumatized. it sucks most because i genuinely liked him. it was so unfair...so unfair. i’m a generally nice person. i’m not too ugly. i did things for him to show my affection. i want to make others happy. so why me? why...why why why why why why why why why why why why why why fucking me WHY THE FUCK DID IT HAVE TO BE ME WHY

why did he have to make me so scared of all relationships, of boys? for four months i felt so uncomfortable when a guy touched me. once, during thanksgiving my little cousin came over. i remember one time he was leaning against me, hugging me with his chubby little arms. and i quickly pushed him away and started shivering. then started crying. because who the fuck shivers in terror because their little cousin hugged them?

i don’t hate this boy who did this all to me. for the longest time i hated myself, for not being “strong enough.” but at least i know it wasn’t my fault. and sometimes it’s so hard to trust in others, because i fell completely for this lie. but i’m getting better. six months and now i can hug guys. six months and i catch myself thinking a boy is cute. six months and i feel hopeful.

i’m so thankful for the people who have continually supported me knowing this journey and part of my life is still continuing. i’m so thankful and hopeful for when the day comes, where i can say i am truly healed. yes what happened was so unfair. so hurtful. but it happened. and i can’t look back filled with regret, or anger, or sadness, but look forward to the future where i know one day i’ll be okay.

 even if it’s not right now. 

it’s okay.

-written from 10:47am to 11:16am in a starbucks on february 27th

little zaccheus reaches up for the leaves / eyes up to find only roots at his feet

common souls

so it goes.

kurt vonnegut

and yes, it is still unfair

still feeling this way, february twentieth, at 8:55pm

or worse

my room is a mess my face is a mess my hair is a mess my body is a mess my style is a mess my relationships are a mess everything is a mess i am so upset and tired and stressed and unproductive i’m so lazy and most of all disappointed in myself for not trying. i just failed my stats test, my skin is breaking out, i’m too broke to buy anything, my hair is at such a bad length. i’ll look back on these days and laugh, because none of these are problems. but why do i feel so upset about such trivial things? i hate my nose, how wide and swollen it looks. my eyebrows and the makeup i use for them never turn out well. my skin is dull and dark, my eyes are smaller and smaller than i remember, my lips are so thin and move weirdly as i talk, my hair is a blotch of ugly ass blue, my stomach is big, my arms too scrawny, my jeans never fit and i somehow lost all my favorite clothes. so many complaints, all sound so shallow. all is so shallow. but i feel upset. and ugly. so ugly. i know God made me, wonderfully. but my personality too is rotten, and cynical. i have no talents, no extracurriculars, nothing i enjoy and nothing i excel at. what am i doing in life if i don’t enjoy any of it? i like reading. i like watching movies. i like hanging out with friends. i like...i like nothing. i just like reading so i can show off how smart i am. i just like watching movies so i can relate with my dad and sister. i just hangout with friends to forget. i’m sorry God, that my heart is so filled with sadness. i want to be good. i want to do things. i want to be productive, to help others in some way. but laziness overcomes me. please help me, to be better. i don’t want to die this way, or worse, live the rest of my life like this. please

2.20.19

we are not results of our circumstances

e.s.k

12.30.18 8:27pm

daniel teacher lol

i’m typing this through messenger bc i’m on my computer and it’s easier to type through here

ok i know you are telling me these things because you care for me. i really do understand and i know you would NEVER tell me anything to hurt me, and you want me to be happier and in a better place. i know and understand that. just wanted to make that clear.

i meant “giving light” to tim because he made comments to me, saying i NEED to bring my class closer together. but i told him it’s really hard for me to do that (bc i can’t even go to small groups or anything). however he kept insisting that i should be a leader and role model to my grade and that made me uncomfortable. i told him i was going through something which made me unable to do such a thing, and he replied: “well as long as it doesn’t have to do with boys i guess that’s okay.” i couldn’t respond and say it wasn’t, so he laughed and said “ohh my gosh so it was because of a guy?” and he kind of waved me away.  i got really upset because he assumes that every relationship with a guy must be stupid and i must be too if something like that happened. which makes me upset because the situation does have to do with a guy, but it wasn’t my fault and he made it seem that anything with a guy means i have NO RIGHT to be sad, or it isn’t reasonable for me to be suffering because of a dude. if that makes sense. second, he’s made comments in the past about girls being weak (”don’t be such a girl”, stuff like that). those comments have bothered me and i want to show him that we aren’t weak, and that the reason i’m struggling is because of a REAL reason, not a stupid one. therefore i feel like if i tell him what’s happening to me, he can realize how genuine my sadness is and that stuff like this ACTUALLY happens at church, and that not all relationships with boys are just stupid but SERIOUS things can happen from them. and i want to show him not to look down upon others for admitting they’ve been in a relationship without even knowing what happened. that’s what i meant by giving light. and just because i’m still suffering now doesn’t mean i can’t be a blessing to others. i’m not incapable, or handicapped, or limited. my voice even through sadness should remain important and can be powerful. i’m not going to be silenced.

second, you know i’m upset about the boy. and that i’ve wanted to expose him. but i haven’t, and i never will. i’m not that kind of person. i wouldn’t tell others just to bring him down and to make others hate him. NEVER. and to be honest it really hurt you thought that was my true intention. i’m not evil or full of revenge.

and sure i’ve told a handful of people. but a bunch? i could’ve gone around telling all the girls in my grade at retreat. i could have told my other friends in different grades about why i quit linc praise team, and why i don’t come to service anymore. but i only told the few because i felt scared, unworthy, and i didn’t want to act fake and happy around them. plus, this is something i’m going through. why do i have to keep my mouth shut when i want to tell others about my suffering? why do i have to already miss things i love and ALSO be forced to remain quiet and not tell any others? just because more people might get involved...? so i have to compromise my struggles with limiting the amount of people i tell...? and i don’t think telling yevin teacher is unnecessary. she’s going through a lot because of us, and i think she deserves to know why i’m not active and why the boy is taking a break from church. and i don’t even need to tell them who it was. i already told you that i wouldn’t bring him down any further and i don’t want to make this situation worse. i’m just struggling with forgiveness and how to do it. and literally only yerin knows from youth group and today i just told rachael because of the argument we had. i didn’t give any details and i didn’t say who it was, although i’m sure she knows who it is. i’m again upset you think i want to bring him down and make others hate him. i agree with you in that God is the one and only Judge. we aren’t. i just wanted to share my conflicts and pains in order to help, not hurt. and this may be getting more people “involved” but the people who already know haven’t even done anything to him, or approached him, or interacted with him except for you and pdan. however, again i understand where you’re coming from and i know you want the best for both of us. that’s just my perspective.

12.30.18

shadows

ever since a few months ago, shadows have been so striking to me. the sometimes golden or sometimes white glow gleaming from the sun contrasted with the darkness coming from another object. before, the brightness always caught my attention, but now i pay closer attention to shadows and its’ shapes. how faint it can be, yet how bold and present other times. how omnipresent they are, and how stunning. 

i don’t know why i’m so captivated by shadows, maybe because they remind me of my life: light is always easier to see, the colors different, versatile, warm hues. but the shadows are bigger, and condensed, and concentrated. they follow you wherever you go, and although sometimes intimidating, you start to feel comforted by its presence. we rely more on our darker experiences and tend to feel they always stick with us. idk.

12.30.18

-feeling violated and used

-can’t understand unless u experience if

prelude:

i’m going to share something i have told only a handful of people. this is extremely personal to me, extremely private, and i’m going to be completely open in front of you all. i trust you, but please don’t take advantage of my vulnerability and go around sharing what i’m about to say carelessly. i hope you all understand the weight of this topic, and treat it seriously. but yeah, back in december, i wrote a letter that i’ve wanted to read to you guys for awhile now. so here it goes:

to my brothers and sisters of linc,

in the beginning of my senior year, i was sexually assaulted numerous times. i’m not talking rape, or getting beat up, but still the effects have taken a huge toll on my mentality and my heart. a person who i really liked and trusted forced himself upon me, touched me in inappropriate places, shamed me for my body, and other various actions. although every time i said “no”, even slapped him, and struggled from his grip, he continued to do these things without my consent and would laugh at my struggles. i tried to believe that he did these things because he was “just a boy” and because he liked me.

both of those reasons are so, so, so outrageous. first, i want you ALL to know that being a certain gender does not excuse you from your actions. being a male does not excuse you from pinning a girl down, and laughing at her, because that’s just what “guys do”. being a female does not excuse you from talking behind a friend’s back but acting all friendly with her, because that’s just “what girls do”. what he did to me, and what a person does to any other person, is so simply immoral and degrading and messed up. if you ever are in a similar experience, and i pray to God you never will be, do not ever think it’s okay because they’re just a stupid boy, or a naive girl. your “no”s must be heard, must be accepted, and must be understood.

second, do not excuse a person’s hurtful actions, convincing yourself that it’s fine since they didn’t mean to. that is never okay. even if a person’s intentions aren’t harmful, if they HURT you in the end, they hurt you, and they need to own up to it. if you accidentally run a child over despite you not meaning to, it’s still your fault, and you must pay the consequence. also, don’t persuade yourself to believe that just because someone likes you, it’s okay if they treat you in certain ways. i tried justifying his actions, forcing myself to believe he did those things because he liked me. at some point after everything, he “apologized” to me, saying that he never even liked me in the first place and not to take it too seriously. which, of course, crumbled me into pieces but we don’t like to think about that.

another thing i want you guys to know is that, if you ever experience this sort of thing, your feelings are valid. one of my toughest struggles, even now, is feeling like i’m being too dramatic. i kept fighting with myself, saying “well he didn’t rape me so it’s not that big of a deal.” that thought prevented me from telling others, and from finding healing. i felt, and still feel, so extremely hurt and angry, but that’s how i feel and that’s okay. but after telling people, many downplayed my emotions, encouraging me to forgive him immediately and forget what happened. others told me that they were sad i went through such a thing--but i was still going through it, and that pressured me immensely. why am i still hurt about this? am i crazy? i would read scriptures on forgiving as God forgives us, and i constantly CONSTANTLY beat myself up. “what’s wrong with you? why can’t you just forgive him? it’s so easy” kept running back and forth through my mind, but      i just      couldn’t. and i thought i was a failure. i was taught my entire life to forgive yet i couldn’t in this moment. however, through the help of joyce, she taught me that immediate forgiveness isn’t what God always wants, or expects of us. He understands all of our pains, and He wants us to walk through every step of the way with Him. we don’t have to throw away our feelings to forgive, but we need to depend fully on God and forgive in His timing, which isn’t always right away. it’s okay to take your time, and to process all of your emotions.

i know this is long but there’s so much more i want you all to be aware of. i want to talk about anxiety. i’ve experienced anxiety and have had anxiety attacks since the end of 8th grade. they were especially intense freshman year (i would actually get one every time i went to church) but as time went on, they became less frequent and less intense. however, to no surprise, trauma from being sexually harassed also likes to bring anxiety, depression, and even ptsd in some cases. well, seeing him every sunday at church definitely spiked my anxiety like CRAZY, and i felt so powerless and weak. (and also angry because how did he have the nerve to still come out to church hahahahaha anyways) i didn’t want to feel so anxious seeing him, because as some people told me, that meant i let him control me. they said i shouldn’t feel anxious around him because that means i’m giving him power over me. so again, i was extremely conflicted and scared on TOP of my anxiety attacks because i felt so weak and stupid for not being stronger than that. but guys.       anxiety does NOT mean weakness. anxiety does not mean you’re powerless. it just means you are human, like anybody else. yes, it is one of the most sucky experiences and feelings to have. yes, i wish i really didn’t have to experience this. and i can’t say they’ve helped me in any way. but in those moments, where my lungs feel like they’re collapsing and something is screaming inside my head and i feel darkness impeding my vision---after the attack subsides, i know i am strong because i can walk out of the church bathroom and greet others with a smile. it feels and sounds fake, and maybe it is, but i feel stronger knowing i got through another one. plus they help me remember God, how He feels everything we feel, and that He’s always with me, and understands my fears. so YEAH, if you’re anxious, do not be ashamed! before, during, or after those dark moments, please rely on God but also reach out to those around you. it’s okay to go to friends or mentors you trust; don’t feel like you can only go to God and God alone. He provides us with people and a community for a reason.

speaking of going to others for help--therapy. some people believe that all you need is to pray to God, and your depression or anxiety will be healed. going to counselors or therapy is secular, and means you don’t fully depend on God. however, again, in my opinion that is so false. joyce has also shared this passage from a book with me: 

“We start with the assertion that there is there is only one Healer in the universe, God. Just as all life has its source in God, I believe that all healing has its source in Him, even when that healing is meditated by unbelievers...Our Western worldview pressures us to dichotomize between what humans do and what God does. If we can explain something like healing in terms of "natural" human activities, such as the use of medicine, surgery, or human counseling, we usually assume that God was not involved. This is untrue. In reality, God is involved in every facet of human experience whether or not we recognize His presence. It is He who makes the medicine work. It is He who makes the surgical procedure effective. It is He who empowers deep-level healing of emotional and spiritual problems. These processes do not simply work automatically. God is in everything that truly helps people, even if the vehicle is medicine or people, and even if we can explain the human part of the process scientifically...Though we seek to empower the human techniques with prayer, professional counselors usually have more techniques at their disposal. In addition, professionals have a wider and broader knowledge of the workings of the human psyche to draw from...The ideal would be for one trained in the field of psychology to also work in the power of Jesus, combining the secular insight with deep-level healing techniques.”

getting professional help is not wrong or ungodly, but an opportunity to view God’s work in a different light, and to trust in Him more. so don’t be afraid guys! seeking help in various ways is not wrong.

to close, it has been __ months and i’m still struggling and still hurt and still anxious. i admit i am so scared sharing this because i don’t want rumors to spread, or for the boy to get lashed out against, or for others to feel unsafe. but i still share because i want you to know that yes, i am hurting and have been for such a long time. i wanted people to know that my sadness had a legitimate reason, and that i struggle too. which is selfish, i know. but i also wanted to share because i know others are dealing with similar things. if it isn’t exactly assault, maybe a friend who is hurting you. maybe you get anxiety attacks. maybe you push yourself to believe that healing and forgiveness must come immediately. i hope my testimony will shine light upon some topics, and that you all come to realize that because we are so broken and hurt, that makes us need God all the more. and remember, no means no!!”

yep, i wrote that all in december. i hope you guys got something out of it.

12.9.18 12:11am

still

it still hurts

anxiety still swells in my throat when i see you

even right now, sitting at my desk in my safe house, my heart feels tight and i am so sad

i don’t understand how i’m so affected by some asshole like you, but i am and i hate it

i hate it i hate it i hate it

i hate making eye contact with brandon kaleta, feeling his eyes mock my emotions and my spirit

i hate seeing hannah knowing she’s friends with such a person as you, who hurt me so much

i hate being asked why i’m not coming to small group, and when i’ll be ready to join again

i hate pretending i’m ok

i hate laughing with others, pretending that my bitterness towards boys is a joke  when in fact relationships are the shittiest thing to me

i hate myself not being able to overcome this

i hate you for not being affected

i want to scream it out, tell everyone what you did, how you violated my body and sabotaged my emotions

i’m so fucking hurt, still

still hurting so fucking much

i am still in disbelief

i am still angry

i am still sad

why whywhy why why why why

why did this happen

i hate you

why did you ever fuck around with me

why are you not sorry

why are you ok while i’m in so much pain

why am i struggling alone and so scared to tell others

i am still so hurt

God help me

fuck

12.03.18 8:41pm

well fucking played

well done, well done. you succeeded in playing me, and you succeeded very well. perhaps you have a gift for manipulating others, and manipulating yourself. and here’s your prize after a job well done: a broken, depressed, hopeless girl who once looked around the world seeing in colors, excited for her future. good job, good job. you succeeded very well, in fucking her up. but please, listen to what i’m about to say, because it’s going to be the last time i ever talk to you again. it may be long, but knowing how you had the patience to lie to a girl for an entire month? this won’t be long at all.

you know that girl you cunningly deceived? not only did she feel the world collapse around her, and feel life itself laugh at her foolishness, but she also was weighed down by the immense force of anxiety. i’m sure you know how it feels--to drown in the failure of your beating heart, feeling the invisible walls close around you and cut your throat, the feeling of utter panic and urgency to escape. yes, you understand that frightening feeling, and she has felt it for the past few months. you called her fragile, and pitied her for being so weak, yet you fail to realize that she gathered her strength, against the panic and fear and anxiety, to go to someone she trusted and to tell all she felt. yes, she must have been weak because she couldn’t bear it alone. only the fragile, weak ones give into the pressures of that anxiety. how dare she give in! she should’ve remained strong and kept it all to herself, right? how fragile, how fragile.

well, if somehow you’re more stupid than i imagined (which would be very surprising), you must have caught on now that the girl is me. and i am nowhere, nowhere near being “fragile.” just because i couldn’t handle the extreme humiliation and fucking shame of being touched and violated, despite my constant “no”s, does not mean i’m fucking weak. no, i suffered enough panic attacks, trauma, and loneliness, and i know i am strong. i had the courage to talk to an adult, despite my fear of everybody else’s judgements and your reaction. i had the strength to open up, and be vulnerable once more in front of somebody else who could have taken advantage of my heart, like you did. do you know how humiliating it is? to tell your pastor that a boy you liked ended up making you so scared that you can’t even think of touching another boy without feeling terrified? to sob full force in front of an adult who wouldn’t fully understand the situation, yet you had to because if you didn’t, you’d be stuck in this pit of darkness and suffocation? no. you don’t. you don’t know anything.

i know you think i’m over-exaggerating. that was one of my biggest struggles too. but i’m not. you know why? because you aren’t the least bit sorry, not at all you fucking asshole. you may feel sorry for yourself, or for me because you “caused me to feel certain ways you didn’t mean”, but that isn’t feeling sorry at all. you need to be sorry for traumatizing me for the rest of my life. you ruined THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE. at least that what it seems to me now, but i know in time i’ll get the strength to try and be happy again. and no, i’m not being dramatic. this is what happens when you fuck up a perfectly happy person, rip their heart out, and drown them. you see, i really thought you did like me. and these past few weeks, i tried convincing myself that it wasn’t as bad, because you liked me. that you just couldn’t control yourself because you liked me. well, isn’t that funny? you pinned me to the ground, to the wall, grabbed me, groped me, violated me. YOU DID SO MANY FUCKING HORRIBLE THINGS AND YET I TRIED TO GET OVER IT BECAUSE YOU FUCKING “LIKED” ME. but you didn’t, you fucking prick. you didn’t even like me. do you see how fucking low that is? you’re so low. and i know i sound horrible. but who caused me to be this upset...? remember that, okay? oh, speaking of remembering! remember how many times i asked if you actually liked me? and remember how smoothly, how skillfully, how emotionlessly you said: “yes.”

...

yes.

...

yes.

not only did you make me extremely uncomfortable UNknowingly, you KNOWingly lied to my face. you are so fucking cruel.

now that we know you used me and treated me like some object to boost your confidence and pride, let’s look again at your “apology.”

further down, you justify your actions, bringing God into the picture. that you believed God gave me to you. gave? gave? fuck, what am i, an object? sent from God to solve all your fucking problems? an object with no other sole purpose but to entertain you, and to bring you closer to God? oh yeah, now i get it, of course i wouldn’t fight back, because GOD gave me to you. i couldn’t disobey God, haha!

well, here’s a fun fact for you: if you really wanted to work on your relationship with God, you would take full responsibility for scaring me, intimidating me, and abusing me. you bringing God into this? i see through you. you’re just trying to hide your shame, and your lack of self-awareness and respect for other women.

as my friend karen, who works in an organization dealing legally with spiritual, sexual and physical violence against women says: you using God against me is spiritual abuse.

but oh wait, there’s even more!

you obviously were so so so sorry and really understood how i felt, because after i told you that i wasn’t ready to talk and that i’m still dealing with the situation, you decide to dump all this shit on me. i clearly responded to your first texts saying i wasn’t ready, and to ask pdan if you wanted to know more. and i thought there wasn’t anything worse that could happen. all that occurred in september was over, and i was dealing with its aftermath knowing all of your screwed actions. but nope! you, again who must be extremely sorry, decided to tell me how you never even liked me and all that crap. after. i. said. i. was. not. ready. to. talk.

you are literally the most messed up, selfish person i have ever met. you came straight out of some horror novel, and your actions are now going to haunt me forever. but luckily, everything will soon be fine and alright again soon, right? because according to your predictions, there is a slight chance we could be on “talking terms” again. i guess i wouldn’t mind talking to you again, after all you did to me. don’t worry, i’ll be fine in a few days, just as you expected!

well done, well done. you completed the game excellently. and i know you didn’t even intend to play the game, it just ended up happening. well, disregarding intentions, you still did it. you still won your silly, fucking, “accidental” game. well played, well played.

don’t you dare ever fucking talk to me again :)

11.13.18 9:06pm