Ladies, I am holding out my hand. Do you trust me?
I need you to open Google Maps. Locate your nearest mall. Get in your car. Drive to Yankee Candle.
Past the seasonal pumpkin display, near the back of the store, you will find a trash pile Man Candle section. You will see candles called MMM, Bacon!. Riding Mower. Man Town. (Iâm not kidding. Man Town.) Stay strong. Not in this section, but likely very near this section, you will find a candle called Mountain Lodge.
Hold this jar in your hands like a talisman. Close your eyes and picture a man.
I want to be clear: Iâm not talking about a Hugh Dancy. Or an Andrew Garfield, a Ben Whishaw, even a Tom Hiddleston. This exercise requires someone in the Chris Evans weight class. The Richard Armitage department. Someone with smile lines around his eyes who could chop the cedar for your bower with his own hands, strangle an alpha wolf, carry you home when you sprain your ankle in the woods, bench press your entire body. Picture this man in your mountain home with a full beard, a slightly grimy white henley, a fond half smile he reserves only for you. Now open the lid and smell Mountain Lodge.
Steady yourself on the man candle display. Give yourself a second. No, youâre not wrong. Yes, the Yankee Candle Company has just eliminated the need for men. This medium tumbler Mountain Lodge candle jar is now your boyfriend. The Yankee Candle Company has effectively replaced the need for contact with the male half of our species with a compact and clean-burning candle in a jar.
âDo you like this one?â the cashier asked, ringing me up. âEvery man should be required by law to smell like what this candle smells like,â I replied intensely. âThatâll be $12.01,â she said.
MOUNTAIN LODGE
249K notes
¡
View notes
Spoke to a gen z person the other night and apparently the young folks don't know about the very legal sites from which you can access public domain media (including Dracula, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and other Victorian gothic horror stories)?
Like this young person didn't even know about goddamn Gutenberg which is a SHAME. I linked to it and they went "aw yiss time to do a theft" and I was like "I mean yo ho ho and all that, sure, but. you know gutenberg is entirely legal, right?"
Anyway I'm gonna put this in a few Choice Tags (sorry dracula fans I DID mention it though so it's fair game) and then put some Cool Links in a reblog so this post will still show UP in said tags lmao.
111K notes
¡
View notes
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol* moonâs stuck in a time loop. do you have extra ammo? this wonât be enough.
nasa employee: enough forâŚwhat?
astronaut: *finding extra clip of ammo, pocketing it, and getting back on the rocket-ship* donât worry about it!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *emerging from supply closet with a space harpoon, getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut:   oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: what?Â
nasa employee: how did you know what i was going to say?Â
astronaut: *punching in key pad code for base evacuation signal, getting back on the rocket-ship* i told youâŚmoonâs stuck in a time loop.
*red warning lights begin flashing*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *rifling thru bookshelf of operating instructions, selecting one that says âAIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,â getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: moonâs stuck in a time loop. hey, do you have anything to eat? iâm starving. *opens random drawer, finds nothing, closes it*
nasa employee: a time loo- uh, we donât have food in hereâŚwe canâtâŚeat in the control room, only the break-room.
astronaut: *sighs*
nasa employee:âŚmy lunch is in like 10 minutes, though, and if my lunch is actually STILL THERE and not STOLEN, AGAIN, i can share it with yo-
astronaut: nah, thatâs okâŚno time. *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* orâŚtoo much time. but thanks, anyway. OK, bye!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: youâreâŚwelcome? wait, a TIME LOOP?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: yup.
nasa employee: âŚ?Â
astronaut: *sitting down next to nasa employee* soâŚdo you ever likeâŚwonder what the meaning of life is? the secrets of the universe?
nasa employee: arenât you supposed to be ON the MOON?!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: hey, what the hell is that?
astronaut: thatâs the code red override klaxon. moonâs stuck in a time loop. oh, and thereâs an explosion imminent. But donât worry, we can deal with that tomorrow. So, you have any siblings? *pulls beer out of space suit, cracks tab* want a drink?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: do you know frank in IT?
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: do you know frank, who works in IT?Â
nasa employee: yeah, but why are you guys back so early?Â
astronaut: moonâs stuck in a time loop. call frank, tell him thereâs a virus in the security patch and the systemâs compromised. then get the hell out of the base.Â
nasa employee: wait what? what? where are you guys going?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* back to the moon. itâs stuck in a time loop. call frank!Â
nasa employee: *picks up phone* ugh, straight to voicemail. i wonder wha-
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: *grim silence*
nasa employee: i said, you guys are back earlyâŚhey, what are youâŚ?Â
astronaut: *randomly opening drawers until they find a pair of scissors and some duct tape, getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
*sticks head back out the door of the rocket-ship* by the way, if you go to the break-room in exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds, youâll catch the person whoâs been stealing your lunches for the past two weeks.
nasa employee: what?! WHO IS IT?!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: *running for the break-room* FUCK!!!!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *sits down, sighs, pulls a beer out from their spacesuit* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: âŚok, and? hang on, how did you get a beer? you canât have that in here.
astronaut: what do you know about project floyd?
nasa employee: I mean, the usual amount? iâm not really on the project anymore, why?Â
*alarm begins blaring*Â
astronaut: COME WITH ME TO THE ROCKET-SHIP, we donât have ti-
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: yeah. moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop. see you tomorrow. maybe.
nasa employee: WHAT?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?Â
astronaut: *sighs, rubs hands over face, and loads pistol, before getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop. and, uhâŚyou should call your mother like youâve been meaning to. and tell her youâre not actually mad and that you will come to dinner tonight. youâre gonna be hungry.
nasa employee: wait, what? WHAT?? how do you know my mom?! why am i gonna be -
*alarm begins blaring*Â
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says âAIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,â starting to get back on the rocket-ship, but dropping everything with a horrendous clatter* FUCK! goddamn moonâs stuck in a time loop.
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earlyÂ
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.Â
nasa employee: what? also, hey, whereâd you get that duffel bag?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says âAIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,â shoving them into the bag, and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl-Â
astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately*Â
nasa employee: what? WHAT?!
astronaut: *loading a single pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moonâs stuck in a time loop, sweetheart.Â
nasa employee: what?!?
astronaut: a time loop!!! i love you!!! get out of the base!!! stay alive!!!
nasa employee: *presses fingers to lips, confused but intrigued, as alarm begins blaring*Â
nasa employee:âŚ.
nasa employee:âŚ
nasa employee: ho hum what a regular day at the office
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: what the hell is that?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl-Â
astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately*Â
nasa employee: what? what?! WHAT!?!? also, hey, whereâd you get that duffel bag?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says âAIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,â shoving them into the bag, then cupping nasa employeeâs cheek with free hand* moonâs stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: the moonâs stuck in a what?!
astronaut: a time loop, sweetheart, but we donât have much time ourselves, so you have to listen to me RIGHT now
nasa employee: *faintly* âŚâsweetheartâ?!
astronaut: in 2 minutes and a few seconds, you need to go into the break-room and find frank.
nasa employee: wait, frank from IT?
astronaut: yes.
nasa employee: how do you know heâs gonna be in the break-room? i canât just call him at his desk right now?
astronaut: how do i know this?! because, one, time loop, ok? andâŚalsoâŚbecauseâŚheismaybetheguywhohasbeenstealingyourlunchfortwoweeks
nasa employee: that BASTARD i KNEW it
astronaut: BUT THATâS NOT WHATâS IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. hey! listen to me! go in there, catch him red-handed with your burrito, and tell him lunch is on you FOREVER if he goes RIGHT NOW and checks the last security patch - because thereâs a virus and the whole systemâs compromised. then you need to get the hell out of this base, ok?
nasa employee: âŚok. ok. andâŚand what about you?
astronaut: *cocking pistol and getting back into rocket-ship with duffel bag* me? iâm gonna shoot for the moon.
EPILOGUE:
nasa employee: so, how many loops in total?
astronaut: i mean, it was hard to keep track. somewhere around six months, if i had to guess.
nasa employee: damn.
astronaut: yeah.
nasa employee: and in those six MONTHS, the best zinger you came up with was âshoot for the moonâ?
astronaut: hey, you know what, i had some other stuff on my mind!
nasa employee: i mean, i guess. it sounded like you found time to flirt with me each time.
astronaut: yeah, like i said. other stuff on my mind.
*they look at each other, blush, and look away*
astronaut: sooooooo. youâre sure your mom is cool with me coming over for dinner?
nasa employee: canât make the day any weirder. plus, i owe you for ratting out frank, right?
astronaut: he did help us save the world; we canât be too mad at him.
nasa employee: youâve had a little while to get over it, i might need some more time. and it wasnât even your food!
astronaut: ok, thatâs fair. what if i buy you lunch to make up for it?
nasa employee: hmm, when?
astronaut: tomorrow?
nasa employee: well, iâll have left overs from my mom, and you might too if you play your cards right. day after tomorrow?
astronaut: honestly, anytime is good for me.
*FADE TO BLACK*
56K notes
¡
View notes