CRIES FOR 039203290 DAYS BC IT’S BEEN OVER A YEAR AND I STILL REMEMBER THIS ACCOUNT INFO AND MISS BEAU WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL 

Almost four months. How time flies..

In the End, Beauford Vanderbilt

i have the para saved in a draft if u rly wanna read it lemme know and i'll post it but y'all got me fifty shades of fucked up reading my writing omg bc it sucks ok have a gday

he ded

6/18 at 3:47 thats the basics of this para

d end

"Well whatever it was, it wasn't needed. Not to boost my own ego but I get complimented daily by people I don't know for reasons unknown to me.. but thank you." His words flowing smoothly, and genuinely from his mouth. He wanted to badly to tell them 'if they only knew'. Beaus true character seemed to be coming back slowly the more time he spent with Leah, even if he wouldn't look at her. Having her there was calming enough, the nicotine taking some of the edge off of his nervousness. "I would have married you, you know. If I had more time." He admitted as he exhaled a cloud of smoke from his throat, his pathway to his lungs were too swollen to handle the smoke. "If you would have let me that is.. even before all of this." His hands conducting some invisible force. "I love you too." His eyes held her gaze just long enough to let those three words slip, before he got up and turned his back to New York, facing his penthouse. "Stay-- here. If you don't want me to be here with you, I can finish up with my parents but this is yours now. You can do whatever you want with it. Keep it, sell it, burn it-- it doesn't matter to me."

Settle down || Beau & Leah.

"I was trying to compliment you, I was just telling you the truth. It wasn’t to boost your ego. Beau, I.." She was speechless, a few more tears fell. She pulled herself together and watched him light another cigarette and then looked away silently. "Yeah I will be here and so will they, you don;t know that they will and if they do I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I get to it, you can’t be so angry about it. It’s a blessing in disgiuse, Beau Vanderbilt.: She smiled slyly to herself. "You want to know something? I will always love you.” She met his eyes.

A small smile stayed fixated on his features as his eyes fell to the pack of cigarettes in his hands, packing them lightly on his thigh. "I'm not fishing for compliment, darling. This is about me being so fucking needy and deliberately selfish. Don't you get it? I knew I was fucking. Since the beginning-- granted the moment we take our first breath, it's only counting down until our last. I remember my whole childhood, I was constantly reminded of that and that scared the living hell out of me. I didn't know when I laid down at night if I would wake up in the morning. No child should have to have that feeling. Especially not ours. That's why I promised myself I would never be in this situation." Pulling out another cigarette, holding it between his two lips as hit lit up once more, "Me? I get the easy way out. In a couple of weeks I get to kick the bucket and you'll be here.. and they'll more than likely get the same fucking genetics I've been blessed with. Do you still love me now?" He asked, raising an eyebrow as his eyes met hers for the first time.

Settle down || Beau & Leah.

Leah could tell he was trying not to look at her so she just decided to turn towards the city and all the lights. She had felt so alone and empty since the break up but now that she was back in his presence she felt complete. It was a weird feelings because she had learned to just fill the void with other things but now she didn’t have to, Leah knew it wouldn’t last long though. He would eventually ask her to leave and she would do as he asked, not by choice but because there was no use staying where she wasn’t wanted. “If you are trying to down yourself right now, I just might have to slap you. What do you mean with you being who you are? You are the most delightful man I could have ever hoped to have met, Beau. Don’t you understand that you are special and you don’t deserve this life, you should be living a long, long, healthy life because you are fantastic. You are the brightest parts of my darkest days. I need you to know that I love you, Beau Vanderbilt.” She let a few tears fall as she still stared out at the city.

Can't suppress the truth forever.

Please… Please don’t say that.

I'm already practically dead Valerie, it's a little too late for sorry-- don't you think?

I’m really sorry, again.

A small smile graced his features despite the shithole of a situation they were currently in. He permanently fixated his eyes on everything but the figure beside of him. He wanted to stay completely oblivious as to every detail about the pregnancy he had missed so far, it would do him do no good knowing about it now when he know he couldn't make it to the end. "I've reflected on it a lot -- when I was getting my treatments in. Coming in every six hours as opposed to the 2 weeks I've been used to." He informed her in a light tone. "People in hell want ice water Leah, but there's nothing they can do about it." Beau shot back at her last little tangent she went on. "This is just as much my fault as it is yours, this is what we get for being so careless. Especially me.. after Gwen I promised myself I'd never let that happen again, especially the way I felt about having kids and me being who I am.."

Settle down || Beau & Leah.

She had waited for him to say something but when he finally did it scared her. “You still look as ravishing as you always do, darling.” She gave him a pathetic smile. Not knowing that to say next Leah relaxed back into the chair lifting a leg up and chewing on her bottom. She looked out at the city, forgetting what a beautiful view he had. She moved her hand over to his rubbing it gently. “I know you hate me but I just need you to know that I didn’t mean for this to happen, I didn’t want you to get so angry with me Beau and I certainly didn’t want you breaking up with me..” She looked over at him. She always seem to babble around him, he made her nervous, with a simple word he could make her feel like a complete idiot or the total opposite and tonight she was hoping for the opposite.

Beau snapped out of his daze, surprised he could even fall into one in the short time between her coming through the door and the moment she spoke. His eyes mot moving towards her until she was seated beside of him. He took his time in replying to her as well, waiting until he had finished the last of his cigarette. "I don't look that fucking bad do I?" He said lightly trying to lighten up the situation, not wanting to see Leah cry. 

Settle down || Beau & Leah.

She took a step forward taking him all in, he looked worse from the last time she had seen him. Not knowing how this visit was going to go over, Leah took a deep breath, “Hi.” She let escape from her lips. Pursing her lips together soon after she said it. She took the seat next to him and held back her tears. It was hard for her to see him like this, knowing there was nothing she could do except watch him wither away. A million thoughts ran through Leah’s head as she just sat there waiting for him to say something, the silence was deafening. 

Beau say on the balcony of his apartment that once housed both him and Leah. He had been gone for weeks and the place hadn't been lived in since and you could notice. He left the front door open for whomever-- wanted or not anyone could come in and take whatever and he didn't care at this point. His mind didn't dwell on anything anymore. He was just a shell of what Beau Vanderbilt used to be. Beaus skeletal fingers brought his fourth cigarette that hour closer to his lips, inhaling the toxins. His eyes busy studying the city below until he heard the balcony door close behind him.

Settle down || Beau & Leah.

Leah had ripped her clothes off as fast as she could. Walking as quickly as she could over to her bags. Ever since she and Beau had gotten into their squabble, she decided to stay at one of the many hotels in the UES. She sifted through the clothes, not wanting to wear anything she found until she remembered her recent trip to Barney’s. Leah had bought the perfect dress, she grabbed the bag and slid the new dress on, removing the tags. She looked at herself in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile. Her hair had already been in perfect curls from this morning so she left it, she touched up her make up and took one last look at her self. Feeling a sense of approval from herself she left the bathroom and grabbed the new pair of sandals she bought. She sat on the bed struggling to get them on, it took a few tries but she finally got them, she called downstairs out of breath, asking for a car to Beau’s place. She grabbed her phone and purse throwing the phone into the bag, she then looked inside and grabbed some chap stick spreading it across her lips. She made her way out the door and to the elevator, the ride down seemed to take longer than it should have. Leah waddled her way outside to the car, slowing climbing inside. 

Maybe.

Do you, uh, do you think that if I didn’t try to, uh, you know, do you think we would’ve still been together?

Be my guest..

Yeah… I know. Uh—Can I ask you something? It’s really stupid, but I need to ask you.

jesus christ// brand new

You never cease to humor me, Summer. It's all in good business that nobody knows all the little dirty details about my life. Summer, you know I can't do that. If you were to use something, I would only trust you using mine but I physically or mentally cannot give you anything. I'm sorry.

What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, and you’ve got it. Though why is it a secret? ..Excuse me? Beau babe come on.. Its not it’ll kill me. 

Not all of us are like that darling, though it's very rare. They're very territorial, not as accepting towards out of towners. Especially the rude ones. What brings you to the Upper East Side anyway?

I thought New York was full of rude people, just trying to fit in. Nice to meet you too, Beau.

Don't give me that shit-- it's never been my choice, Valerie.

Well you better decide soon.