It was a dark and stormy night (I’ve always wanted to say that)

I’ve never actually journaled before, but I suppose the night you tied an extension cord around your neck is a good enough place as any to start. So here goes.

“Life sucks, then you die.”

I’ve said that many, many, many, times before. Almost always joking. But like an old wise man once said, “Truth is spoken when folks is joking.” Not sure who, but it’s stuck in my head. It’s something that I think about every single day. Life isn’t just hard, its HARD. I know I’m just whining, as there’s millions who are categorically worse off than I am, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better. Funny, that.

I guess I’ve never really felt good about myself. As far back as I can remember, I hear my dad’s voice saying “you’ve got such POTENTIAL, you just haven’t realized it yet”. I’m 30 now, and I still don’t know what the fuck that means. Was I supposed to become a doctor, like he always pushed me towards? Nah. School sucks, and I suck at it. So that’s out. I suppose he meant I need to be successful, and bolster the family name. Excuse me, but this isn’t 17th Century England, I think I should be more than just a last name. But I suppose People Be People, no matter the era.

Anyways, all that being said, I don’t think I’ve ever felt... successful? whole? that I’m doing enough? Nothing I’ve accomplished or done, has ever felt good enough. And I know it’s cliché, but I still hear my dad’s voice in my head saying over and over again “but SUCH potential! What a waste.”. Thanks, Dad.

It culminated today in a moment where one of the few good things in my life, my kids, were taken from me on a sledding trip (sounds benign, I know lol.) I LOVE sledding. And having them whisked off by my probably-soon-to-be-ex-wife on a beautiful snowy day, while I’m stuck at home twiddling my thumbs, clueless, was pretty damn depressing. Hence, the extension cord. It worked for my 12 year-old cousin who committed suicide almost 2 years ago now, so hey! might work for me.

Speaking of my little cousin, I suppose I should explain that I’m no stranger to the fucked up phenomenon that is suicide. He joined the ranks of at least 2 dozen of my friends, peers, and associates (who’s counting?) who’ve been offing themselves since I was a kid. I don’t think I’ve ever actually understood it. It’s so... final. How the hell do you know what comes next?!?! And the families, Jebus. They’re heartbroken. The whole community is heartbroken. I’m heartbroken. Or at least I remember feeling that. After a while, it’s hard to feel much of anything. The thing I think I hate the most is hearing their mothers break down when recalling how they found their baby boy hanging in the living room. Like, Jesus bro, I totally get the feeling, but at least do it outside the house. That’s what ran through my head as I tested the extension cord around my neck this afternoon. “My kids will be traumatized! Best to go find a nice quiet area that some unlucky bastard will find me in, and hey, at least it’s not my kids.” I’m such a good person.

Now that I’m here, I’m not sure what to say. Today was probably the shittiest I’ve ever felt, which is saying something . I’ve never once journaled or written my thoughts down besides the odd high school assignment, and I’m 100% certain I wrote some BS down to make my teacher feel better about her shitty job in the buttfuck of nowhere. I’ve never actually recorded my thoughts anywhere, but I supposed there’s no time like the present. If anyone reads this, which I highly doubt, please don’t worry. I’ll wake up tomorrow a couple hours later than normal people, and struggle through the day just like everyone else. Tonight isn’t the end, but was definitely a reminder to step back, take stock, and reflect a bit. I don’t regret testing out that extension cord, as it reminded me about how much I love my kids and don’t want to miss out on their lives. And I actually was honest to my therapist for the first time in my life, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

Good luck, everyone. I sincerely hope that those going through a similar situation to my own find some peace and serenity in this life, as we have no freaking clue what happens in the next. May the Force be with you all. <3.