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waitin for someone to realize you’ve dropped them like the toxic fucker they are is always hilarious.
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...i should have realized you were abusive a lot sooner though.
the first couple of times you decided i’d ‘abandoned’ you and chased me all over the internet and into ims, leaving ultimatums that if i didn’t reply in a strict few minutes you were gonna cut off all communication forever?
both times where very late and i almost missed those messages because i was going to fucking bed. and the panic if what would have happened if i did never really went away
but you get to vanish on me any time you want, no words, no warning, maybe an explanation later. if i’m lucky
and even that i had to beg multiple times before you started trying at all
there’s so... so much more but that was the first alarm bell and i still don’t know why i made myself ignore it - ultimatums in GENERAL are abusive as fuck, but that’s happened three or four times now and yet you still have the balls to claim you’re a friend that would never abandon me?!
the cognitive dissonance alone is almost impressive.
i’m just your friend because i’m convenient. because you don’t have to worry i’ll leave when you ignore and avoid me. because i make all the effort so you never have to
and the worst part is i knew. i’m a fucking thrice over abuse canary, i know how this shit works, i saw the signs just fine
but somehow i let you fuck me up for three years anyway...
because that’s how fucking disgustingly desperate i am not to wind up alone again
everyone’s right though. you’re not worth it. not anymore.
not like you’ll even notice i’m gone anyway. now you have real friends to fall back on.. friends that weren’t there when it got bad, didn’t try at all, but somehow? they get the soft, kind parts of you i’ve long since been cut off from ever seeing again.
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Should probably switch back to this blog for venting
More or less decided the moment everyone’s done abandoning and forgetting me I’m going to it now
And boy are they making that part easy. Cool to know no one was ever attached at all and I can die whenever I want with zero consequences because my life never fucking mattered to anyone :)
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triggering my paranoia on purpose, because life only makes sense when i’m here
it only makes sense when everything is dangerous, and creepy, and bad
it’s that way all the time. but this way i know why
beyond the deeply unsatisfying fact that the vast majority of people only care about themselves
the only reason they fake caring for anyone else is when they can get something out of them
i wish there was some great conspiracy at work. something to fix. something to fight
but the facts are much sadder. and much more immutable
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There’s a reason narcissists don’t learn from mistakes and that’s because they never get past the first step which is admitting that they made one.
Jeffrey Kluger
(via renegade-runner)
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in the end my only real crime in life is being born to people who didn’t want me, and couldn’t afford me.
but somehow those higher up will always twist this to be a tale of an annoying ‘woman’ who couldn’t learn their place, and never tried hard enough to get to better place.
and i fucking hate it
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you’ll never care about me as much as i care about you and i can’t deal with that reality
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as long as I die someplace no one can find me
everything will work out for everyone
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two hours after getting up is a little early to find out your life is about to be completely destroyed and you might as well kill yourself, because there’s no other way out of this.
:)
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what’s it like to actually be alllowed to fucking sleep one gods damned night instead of having a partner so fucking selfish they won’t allow you to sleep anywhere but the same bed and also won’t do a damn thing about the fact they snore so fucking loud you can hear it on the other side of the fucking house?!!!
I literally AVOID sleeping at the same time as you for a reason you selfish asshole, get the fuck up already so I can sleep!
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I’m so tired of you ignoring me. My disorder wants me to kill myself so maybe you finally won’t.
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‘Yeah by you wouldn’t consider killing yourself because you think you’re a burden, so you’re not as bad as [character name]’
.....Do you ever just. Not have the heart to explain to someone how hilariously wrong and fucking blind they are about you....?
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