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wreckexplorer · 3 years

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The Single-at-27-and-until-God-know’s-when Diaries #1

(or how liking good sex this much fucked up my love life)

It ended tonight. That story we never had the time to start is now over. Before he bought the ticket, way before we even met, that’s when it ended between us - not with him going away for the week with his ‘friend’, there, to the place where it’s always sunny and warm.

The whole thing was a recipe for disaster. You should never mix a charming, sexy as fuck confused and hurt guy with a caring horny and romantic girl - and yes, I could say ‘woman’ here just as easily, but most days here have been Anna Scott kind of days.

Just a girl, standing in front of a guy asking him to love her. But I don’t wanna be that girl anymore, I am done with the asking. I can't be the one who asks him out to see the eclipse and hears he’s out partying with people I will never meet because I don’t even matter that much. I can’t, I will not.

And listen, I am not even saying this out of love because I wasn't even in love with him - it was never about that! It’s just pathetic that I keep repeating these patterns off guys too hurt to be available, too hurt to want to find out whether or not I am deserving of risking that much, of whether or not will it pay off the trust, the midnight car rides, the awesome sex at 2 am and the hot chocolate for breakfast.

I am so fucking worth it.

And this guy, if he ever comes across this text, he will never understand it. It wasn't about him.

The hurt wasn't not having him, or seeing him go away for the week to the place where it’s always sunny - NO! It’s about how tired I am.

That I shouldn't give myself so easily just because I can trust and think everyone is worth a chance - how hard is it to be hurt and still trust, is it just me? Am I just that stupid because I want to have amazing sex with someone I actually give a fuck about and then not have them shut down because they are scared of how intimate it actually feels?

When you smile at someone and you are naked in their shower and you see a discrete - almost not even there - glimpse of a shadow trying to mask something in their eyes, and you realize how weird they feel not to be with you, but by enjoying being with you and then they shut down because they are not supposed to be liking anyone's company that much... that’s when you walk away.

Wait for the people who wait for you, not for the ones that are still waiting on someone else.

Yeah, yeah, sex is great, sometimes you want to feel touched by someone and have it be amazing. For ones more than for others that includes not being a complete idiot the next day, but you can never actually count on that!

I still remember the coy and unpretentious kiss he gave me in the parking lot that day. I will still remember how non attached he was with most things and how even though I knew all of that from day one, he still managed to hug me to my sleep and inebriate me into his fresh out of the shower scent, which wasn't any cologne or soap, just how he would always smell; loamy and a little smoky; sometimes, had we had a few drinks before getting too close like that that I could smell him, I could smell the white wine on him, always his favorite.

And to be honest, I don't know how my good old friend Carrie would feel about this, but I think enjoy a good company in bed too much might have led me to look for some characteristics in someone that aren't really all that compatible emotionally with what I already know I need.

With all due respect, Carrie, I know the whole sex (and plus, you know, the excitement of the city and aaaall it offers being the greatest place on Earth) is great, but already knowing all of this, I think it’s about time we start prioritizing other things, here are a few of them;

Has something to be excited about in life. Yes, life is hard, move on and get to know yourself enough to understand what makes you want to be up every morning for Christ’s sake! I am not saying one doesn't get to be sad, but I can't - I will not - do the victim act again, I thing great part of what is wrong with this world is that everyone likes to feel like a victim instead of a protagonist and who am I kidding? Being such a protagonist myself I could never settle for an understudy.

Knows exactly what he wants. Does it sound great being 22 years old and insecure, needing someone’s like and comment on a picture to feel like you are worth it and waiting for a goodnight text to be able to sleep in peace? NO IT SOUNDS TERRIBLE!! So, let’s agree on finding people who actually make a move towards being there for the good night and understand that having amazing relationships also means making extraordinary things at times (self note to future me: make sure this person agrees to doing their extraordinary part and is not only interested in how extraordinary you are!)

Last, but obviously not least, I shall try to remember to find people that want to grow with me instead of cutting my wings.

Vowing all of this - ok, maybe not vowing, just trying to keep it in mind - I guess Maybe next time a romance such as this is over, it will at least have started - but again, if I want to really tell you what I hope it happens, maybe it won't end like this at all. With all due respect to Anna Scott as well, I don’t feel like asking for these things anymore.

Love, Carrie’s disciple (now trying to be a slightly more aware romantic!)

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