that was a fucking RELIC holy shit

‘one month until school ends, stress free weekends, beach vacations :)))))’

GURL you didn’t even know

kinda upsetting, but this is an upsetting time of year /shrug

Keep reading

so i haven’t cut myself in about 10 years. huge part of me is like ‘does it really count? remember all the times you thought about it lmao, remember punching the dryer’ but...it’s something. i didn’t actually do it; i have that much impulse control yay

i keep wanting to talk about writing but i don’t have the appropriate avenue except for here, bc i don’t wanna come off as complaining when i say it but here no one’s listening B)

anyway

i hate that i’m writing longer stuff now. coupled with me not writing as fast (wrt wph) and having so little time to do it, it takes me so fucking long to finish 1 thing. and editing & sht is just a drag that i have to keep pushing myself to do

and it’s like, before, i’d get out like 10 or 15 fics a month and i’d get like 10 kudos per fic and a few comments/replies/rts (more or less) but now? 1 or 2 fics a month, no one rts, lower kudo rate, no feedback--why do i even bother. i’ve reached the point of irrelevancy. no one wants to hear me whine on twit, no one wants to read my fic (val aside, and i can’t obligate her).

im done. once i finish my wips im done. adding to the list at hopefully less than steady rate (a month until school’s done! beach vacay, no-hw weekends, end of august....) & hopefully whatever’s left at the end of schooltimes. 

I don’t wanna be your friend I wanna kiss your neck

resolution update

1. i have done almost none of this. i’m doing less recycling in the trash i think/hope?

2. im cleaning the dishwasher and buying some seltzer but i need to do better here too

3. guess who hasn’t apologized to f and b

4. this is kind of ok. maybe

5. i think i am lying less often! and i did come out to my parents so Big Goal accomplished ayyy

6. my priv is now ‘lesbian writer plant people aficionado’

7. am honest when i’m caught. need to be honest more. lowering the bar for myself i guess? im still upset with writing/seeing everyone else succeed where i fail but it is how it is

8. im still antagonizing l in my head i hate her and resent her i still feel like she’s the ‘cool girl i need to impress’ and that somehow i can make her like me....l o fucking l

i figured i’d better write my resolution down somewhere while i’m thinking about it and can put it into words that sound pseudophilosophical

it’s more like a bunch of resolutions but they all roll up into ‘be a better person who is more okay with yourself’ so here goes

do some good. volunteer if you feel like it; donate money if you can afford it; support fic you like; support local businesses and not the fast food megacorps; don’t throw your food containers in the corner garbage

follow through on more of your promises. take vitamin d; pack; plan; empty the dishwasher when it’s clean and you’re around; make coffee when you want it instead of asking. do more.

admit when you screwed up and said or did something shitty to someone, especially the split second ‘hold on you’re an asshole’ type deal, or venting in frustration where they can hear it, apologize. just bc you’re angry all the time doesn’t mean you can’t have more self-awareness. it sucks knowing you’re the jerk. apologizing and being honest is hard, but you have to do it.

be honest with yourself. admit what you don’t like about yourself. change it if it’s something you hide from yourself (how much of a dick you are); change your attitude if it’s something that’s not a Bad Thing (like your sexuality). stop avoiding yourself and move into the future. fix it, but do some honest self-reflection. if things are going wrong it’s probably something to do with you, you blowing things out of proportion or you

be honest in general. not like, come out to your parents right this second, but that’s a Big Goal for the year. regardless of how your relationship’s going, just tell them. it hurts having it on the tip of your tongue. being honest still sucks, but it’s better for you in the long run, like telling your doctor you didn’t exercise (but do exercise so you don’t have to lie). don’t lie when it’s not like ‘aw your dog is cute’ type lies.

use a fucking label. use all the fucking labels. call yourself a writer, say ‘i am a lesbian’, it might not fit totally right but what’s the difference to other people in the world? they’re not seeing all the little details. if someone tries to gatekeep you so fucking what. change your twitter bio to ‘lesbian writer star wars fan body horror aficionado’ or something like that. use the labels; they’ll fit eventually. you’re not a special snowflake. they come with baggage but

stop demanding perfection or else. the experience of doing something isn’t a wash if the result isn’t what you expected. you can still get something out of it; you haven’t let yourself or others down; it’s not “you can only have fun if you try and excel or don’t try at all”. you can still be proud of yourself if you don’t win. if you’re mediocre. if you’re in last place. (all three aren’t the same, too). you can enter a competition and try your best and fall short, and it doesn’t have to be a totally bitter memory. you can talk about things without having to be a subject matter expert; it’s not a competition and you don’t need even ground. it’s ok to be a noob and you don’t have to be self-deprecating about it. you don’t have to lie about knowing things either

Stop antagonizing other people, too, even if it’s only in your head. putting words in their mouths or thoughts in their heads is disingenuous at the very best, a total dick move at worst and most probable. most of these people’s actual opinions don’t matter that much to you, and most of them probably don’t have much of an opinion of you. the ones that do aren’t antagonizing you; even if they dislike you they’ll just avoid you.

(for now. i may update)

Baby you gave me bad ideas Baby you left me sad and high…

FINALLY THANK FUCKING GOD my internet sucks

i was gonna start this out with a nod to the sound of silence but i realized i already did that. a year ago. it has not been so long this time and yet i am here, on emo tumblr. i’ve come to talk with the darkness again.

i shouldn’t be here.

i made it back home. i’m in grad school. the nuclear apocalypse hasn’t happened yet. my friends haven’t called me out for not coming out of the closet to them. i came out by telling them about my gf who is a real person who loves me.

i don’t want to let her down and i did and she’s--idw say forgiven me but we talked it through and i am so afraid. i love her and i want to be better. idk how to say ‘she deserves more than my best’ without sounding like a self-flagellating psycho but. i love her and i want to give her the world--i can’t give her a good job (which she’ll get on her own; she’s talented and capable and an excellent worker) or stuff to get her out of her parents’ house (that will come with time).

but i can be not an additional cause of stress. i can be not someone freaking out at her over minor fictional occurrences (that even i’m mostly over and i would have been mostly over had we not spent yesterday having an actually necessary talk through). i can support her when she needs it.

i mean this isn’t even like, well. i’ve alienated everyone on twitter and at this point i can’t apologize. i’ve been overly-confrontational--i should apologize. is it okay to apologize? idk, i don’t want to drag up painful shit for anyone but--i do want to clear the air. but i need to wait until i’m sure i won’t do it again. because i apologize and vaguetweet and i’m right back where i started. so i need to have a plan. i need to think this through--not when i have a billion tests to study for. but i need to think of a gameplan, steps to follow, concrete things to do.

i can draft it out here. ig -don’t twit. period. until thanksgiving. -until finals period, dms ok. likes on priv ok. no mobile. not before 5pm. mute everything. -until finals are over,  priv rts ok. -priv replies (summoned only) until xmas. any time of day on weekends (still desktop only). begin to unmute, one person or phrase per day. if it makes you more than momentarily angry, remute everything and start over. public likes ok. -public follows, non-summoned priv replies until new years. -1 priv tweet (NOTHING NEGATIVE) & 1 pub rt max until trip (timejail still applies) -maybe tweet some trip stuff on public mobile. private browsing only. no looking at your feed, notifs, etc. no priv. no rts. -1 priv tweet per day until school starts (timejail still applies). apologize to fafa before her bday. -add timejail back on weekends when school starts. look at public feed. 1 thread per day on priv, unlimited rt. -until everyone and everything is unmuted, don’t tweet on public (replies ok iff you’ve been summoned) -once everything is unmuted, apologize to bent, alq, eliska. -wait a week after they’ve replied, acknowledged, what have you. post stickied apology note. -wait another week and start to answer curiouscat. tweeting ok (7day jail) on priv -wait another week. non-summoned replies ok (1 thread per day). -another week, rts ok. -another week, start to up your replies. non-reply @ people ok. -no weekend jail on school breaks. no unsolicited tweets on public. no negative onion on priv (or in public). weekday timejail always in effect. no mobile period. curiouscat ok, dms ok, rts ok.

it’s late, and that should do it. one time through the song again. i had more to say but that can wait. this blog will be here, and i’ll be here too.

i guess i can get this in in time but--i thought about it in terms of cutting. like i’m never gonna be free. i’m never gonna not be near the edge, i could trip up and think about it, decide to do it. do it, even, but--despite how devastating it was to realize i’d never be free, it’s been almost 10 years since i actually took a razor to my skin like that. i can live on the edge forever, teeter on it, deeply fantasize about screwing up, have those thoughts, feel like i’m right back where i started--but i don’t take that last step. i can hold the razor up and put it back down, just like i’ve been doing. and here i am, 10 years in the future almost. here i am, with something more than unmarred skin and a clean streak on the line. i want to do it.

sign of the apocalypse: my period came early. about a week, maybe less, but still early. this is like the 3rd time my period hasn’t been regulation since my first--once in high school i didn’t get it (funny how fucking stressed out i was all through hs but only skipped a month once) and last year when it was on and off spotting for like a month and then it went back to normal. i was sure i was gonna die right then but i didn’t.

idk i shouldn’t be bothered by this bc like....i dont ever keep track of it & sometimes i get surprised when it happens like ‘o ya....that time of month i guess....again....’ but still. whatever man

the air is heavy and full of thunder

and you feel very strange this summer

like the storm that brews is inside of you

Johnny Cash - Hurt (originally by Nine Inch Nails)

What have I become?

My sweetest friend.

Every one I know, goes away in the end. 

And you could have it all, my empire of dirt.

I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

Let it rain - Olivia Ong

darth vader is so awesome

like really really awesome

but when are we getting that obi-wan movie >:(

anyway i might actually write a thing if i can remember how to log into my other ao3 (and if i can stretch it out long). im probably too out of practice for it to be any good, but no one has any expectation of me so

Cпасение coдeлaл  |  Па́вел Чесноко́в (Chesnokov)