cinematic universe

{ @fatimaamerbilal " hungry thread of nerves" / Hidden Poem by Naomi Shihab Nye }

– Jay Vespertine

fatima aamer bilal, from i mother it the absence of her, iii. i am not a person that can be loved for a very long time excerpt from moony moonless sky.

—Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays

unfolding into another spring

mahmood darwish, sylvia plath, v.e. schwab, ana mendieta

buy me a coffee

unfolding into another spring

mahmood darwish, sylvia plath, v.e. schwab, ana mendieta

buy me a coffee

“I don’t do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision.”

— Allen Ginsberg - from The Book of Martyrdom and Artifice: First Journals and Poems: 1937-1952 

And I'm sad to the core, core, core (Yeah) Every day is a chore, chore, chore

Marina – Primadonna

25.02.2023

Hello, my dear reader; how are you? Are you doing well? I hope you are, I’m kinda okay and kinda not. I’ve been with my friends this whole week. While it’s a privilege to have the kinda friend group I have right now, the privilege I’ve never had before, it’s also tiring. My social battery is dead and I’m assuming it’s gonna stay dead for a while. My online classes will start this Monday and I’m not excited for it whatsoever. I hate online education, I get that it is helpful to some people and it’s better than nothing but I still hate it. I can’t concentrate more than a few minutes and it’s so boring, so bare of actual human connection it low key makes me disgusted. But I have to go through with it and get better grades this semester. Or I’m gonna be very disappointed in myself. I’m also going through a heartbreak, at least I’m assuming these feelings I have is what people call a heartbreak. Basically my close friend told the guy that I like him and I’m not expecting a relationship immediately I would like to get to know him better so would he be up for it? My friend said that they talked for some time and he said that he is indecisive about it. The whole time I was waiting an answer from my friend, I was sure I was gonna get rejected. I sat pathetically in the bus ride going back home, listening to sad music and looking out the window like a kicked puppy. I was waiting for a reheating so first when I heard that he was indecisive a part of me was relieved that finally my secret was out and it wasn’t outright rejected. Another part of me was hopeful that maybe it will turn into acceptance but I shut that part down quickly. I am taking his indecisiveness as a rejection. Since I was already waiting for a rejection I thought it wouldn’t hurt this much, but it does. I just feel really sad, and lacking. I can’t help but think he would say yes if I was skinnier, funnier, didn’t have acne and dressed better. If I didn’t look so serious or angry outside, if I had better communication skills, or any skills at all. If I had a better major, prettier face or better makeup. And it hurts to know that I’m not enough to be more than a consideration, that we will never have a date like our friend group had a few days ago, that I will never touch his hair, caress his face or call him mine. Never have his love be directed at me. I can’t blame him though, if I were him I wouldn’t want me too. What is to like about a shadow anyway? So yeah, I’m in very conflicting thoughts and feelings, in a place where I don’t wanna be. I just wanna stop existing or sleep for years to get rid of this bone deep exhaustion in me. Exhaustion of never being whole, never enough, never pretty, never really there. I don’t think there was a time period in my life I didn’t feel exhausted. Maybe I was just born to suffer till I die. Not like I can change anyways. That’s it for now, thank you for reading and take care of yourself. I’ll see you next time.

How do I look away now that I have seen you?

RACHEL MENNIES, from “April 18, 2017” - The Naomi Letters

01.02.2023

Hello, I am back sooner than the previous updates not like I promised to but like I wanted to. My period is over, so I am more emotionally stable but I am not at my “normal” per se. My normal is not like another person’s normal, I think everyone’s “normal” is special to them to be honest, my normal is when I am not plagued with thoughts of killing myself every second of the day, getting out of bed and socializing doesn’t require too much effort, and I feel stable, not happy, not sad, basically feeling nothing all the time. It is not like numbness either, it is indifference. I spent most of my life like this so far, at least when I am not in a depressive episode, so it became my normal. Isn’t that what normal is anyways, the majority of something? Anyway, I am stuck in this awful state between depression and “normal”. I don’t think of killing myself all the time, but it still haunts me like a predator after its prey, I feel sad and lonely not to the extent when it is when I am in an episode but it’s still there, I feel numb but I also feel too much. It is awful, I hate being like this. I would say I hate the person I am, but I am not sure if I am even a person. I more like a shadow, a reflection; it is there but it is not the original, it would be nothing without the original, just seizing to exist. Even the language I use to describe my thoughts is not my original language, that’s how made up I am. It is also a way to distance myself from what I feel and think, essentially disassociating. Or it is not, and I just see my actions as so important that I psychoanalyze everything because I have narcissistic tendencies.

Last time I extensively talked about my crush so it is only fair to give updates. To cut it short one of my friends talked to him in private and asked if he is interested in anyone or think anyone is interested in him. I don’t know what he specifically said, I don’t even know what my friend asked precisely but the friend said that he is getting over his crush and not really ready to be in a relationship yet. You might say this is not the end of this, that’s what my friends said as well. That this is a good opportunity for us to spend more time with each other and get to know each other better. That maybe he will fall for me in time and get over his crush while. And a rational or confident person would agree but I am neither of those things. He is clearly not over this crush so he won’t be able to feel anything for me. Even if he does feel something, who is to say that I am not just a distraction or replacement? I didn’t think he would feel something for me in the first place because I am not lovable but I still hoped and yearned for it knowing it was a low possibility. Now I can’t even hope because it is basically impossible. It would be best for me and for our friend group if I just got over it but how do I look away now that I’ve seen the beauty and the potential he has? How can I just bury everything I feel and move on as if nothing happened, at least for me? When I see something, a potential, a sparkle, something, I obsess over it because I don’t know how to survive otherwise if I don’t have the motivation to go after something or someone, to pursue. Maybe what I am feeling is not even love or like, but a kind of obsession. But that realization doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know how to get rid of it. I feel so hopeless and drained, so void of any kind of wisdom or control. So pathetic and stupid.

Other than that my break is going busy but good. I am hanging out with my friends and family. Even though the family part is mostly draining than anything there being no school and my friends make it bearable. I got my wisdom teeth removed today so that sucks but you gotta do what you gotta do. I don’t have any ache but it hurts even when I swallow. I’ll be fine in a few days. Today is also the first day of February! I can’t believe one twelfth of the year is gone already. Not like I expect anything from this year, I’ve quit doing that a long time ago. It’s just that the fact that time is relative to everyone even though it’s a measured quantity always amazed me. Physics is really fun when it comes to these kinds of subjects, but only then. I hate it with a passion other times. I think this is it for this post. Thank you for reading if anyone is reading to it. I’ll see you in the next post!

musings on february

Hussein Chalayan (?), Franz Kafka (@shi-saa), Anne Magill, Bing Hua, Anne Magill, Margaret Atwood, Anne Magill, Dorothy Livesay, Anne Magill, Alice McDermott, Hussein Chalayan

buy me a coffee

Rather be in jail than alone

SZA - Kill Bill

Usually, I put somethin' on TV So we never think about you and me

Glass Animals - Heat Waves

25.01.2023

well, it has been a long time. i am not gonna say i took a break cause firstly that would make it seem like i did this long pause on purpose, which i did not, and secondly, i barely did anything on this blog yet to get a break. i just stopped caring about it for a few months and lost the passion i had after a few posts. it is one of my many flaws, i get bored of things, hobbies and media and people, very easily. i think i start too passionate, get too excited, too into it. then after the honeymoon phase since i am not in that intense state of mind, i just drop it. i can't do things unless if i am forced by something else; an emotion-highness, deadlines, or my family. it is another of my many flaws, this one brought by depression. maybe the other one is too, i did not psychoanalyze it enough yet.

another very important reason is that simply i have just been very busy. college has been an entirely different experience from high school in almost every aspect. i am now a lot more social which is great! but i also have a lot more responsibilities, lots of lectures, quizzes, midterms, finals, homework, lab reports, meetings, the translation job at the journal, social gatherings and many other things that always existed. i did not have the time to sleep on most days, so writing here was not even a dream cause i could not fucking sleep. i am back however because i am on my semester break, i want to be active and consistent this time. i hope i can be successful, i don't have much hope about it nevertheless. i want to tell about everything that happened but my memory nor my writing is good enough to go through months of life so i will just give background on stuff if there is any need.

i like someone.

i know it is a big jump from the two paragraphs of rambling but i like someone and that is all i can think about these days. their soft and long hair, their glass skin, their stupid jokes, their laugh, and the way they walk like they are carrying all the good things in the world with them. some people remind me of angels; the way they are is like something holy and pure in the sense that they are good, in their core, not that they are untouched. usually, it is my niece but he reminds me of an angel too. i have never had that experience with a real live person, let alone a MAN. but then he came along. i did not know that it is possible to just look at a person and feel at peace but here we are. all the poems i read remind me of him which is both endearing and terrifying. i do not wanna get attached to a person that i barely count as a friend, more of an acquaintance. i do not wanna make them a person they are not in my head. i do not wanna get rejected if i ever try to make a move. but i also want deeply to be loved, for us to be together, to have the courage to make a move and get a positive reaction, to be good enough for someone, to be worthy of someone's attention and attraction. i do not know if it is possible however like i said before i do not know how to be something loveable.

i am aware that he is not perfect either. he is not the perfect guy nor the ideal. but he is good. something i have never managed to become. i have gained weight so i look uglier and more disgusting than usual, i am not a positive person, nor fun or humorous. i am not as knowledged as he is nor i have a talent. why would anyone want me? at least i can see appreciate him from afar thanks to our friend group, at least i get to hear his dumb jokes and occasionally talk to him even. it should be enough, it has to be.

this much self-deprecation is enough for one post so i am gonna end it here, see you later; whoever you are. am i even doing this for someone else?

I don't know how to be something loveable

I don't know how to be something beautiful

I wanna scream and shout and let it all out And scream and shout and let it out

will.i.am - scream & shout

24.09.2022

i would never thought i'd relate to a will.i.am song let alone quote it somewhere but here i am. i really wanna scream and shout cause i am fucking sick. woke up with a sore throat yesterday and today it is even worse. my head feels like it's filled with cotton and my nose is so runny. honestly it is soo on point for me to get sick just before starting uni considering the fact that i used to spend %80 of my childhood sick. it was never something serious but i used to spend weeks with a runny nose without any break in between. just so fucking annoying to see that nothing has changed since than. not me or my runny nose.

honestly i wanted to write more but my head is killing me. i'll try to sleep it off and give an update later today. thank you!

𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩

𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯, 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺

𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯, 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺

𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥

𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥

𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘥𝘰, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘪𝘯', 𝘢𝘩

𝘐 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯' 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧

𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘪𝘵

the neighbourhood - cry baby

23/09/2022

as always i don't know how to start this -whatever this is i don't even know- just as i don't know how to start anything in life: a homework, a new hobby, a friendship, a conversation... it's like i've been cursed with being bad at beginings. i look like a very cold person at first , i sound like a very serious person at first, i am very annoying at first. it is so annoying cause the set up of something usually determines how it goes all the way to the end and if you are cursed like me everything in your life goes pretty much bad.

the idea of starting an online blog came to me when i was reading i am glad my mom died by jennette mccurdy at two am like i always read everything -in the middle of the night till the morning on a school night very sleep deprived incredibly dehydrated while biting my nails- the way she writes the book is kinda like the way i would like to write on a dairy i've been planing to write for years now: casual but catchy with a good flow. it might be cringy but i also been wanting to romanticize my life a bit. i struggle with a lot of mental issues and a way to cope with things is to live in a delusion. it is not healthy but if it helps with my suicidal thought even if a bit and make my life a bit more bearable i'll give it a try.

i need my life to be more bearable more than ever now cause i am starting uni this monday. i've been waiting my whole life for this moment so it has to be good. there is a lot of expectations for me to be successfull and sociable coming from both me and my family. i live for validation from other people, especially from my family. i could possibly k1ll myself without it so i can't fail at this. especially after failing at so many other things i just can't. you can tell how desperate i am by the sheer fact that i am actually starting something i've been putting off for years now.

so i am starting with this entry. hope everything goes well and i actually write here periodically. i actually have so many things i want to talk/write about so i think this will work very well. i'll also include things like lyrics, books, artwork etc. that i love and try to give credit. if you somehow came by and read thus far i hope you took at least something away from it. thank you!