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TW:DV/ABUSE
It is a weird space and place to be in
To not only love your abuser but grieve them
It’s a fantasy my therapist tells me
The niceness is temporary
He will never change
Things will always be up and down
There’s apart of me that finds comfort in his chaos
I know my body thinks this is home but it’s not
I know my brain feels the familiarity but that doesn’t mean it’s right
He texts me as if he didn’t spend hours threatening and harassing me.
The crazy part is he wasn’t even in the state
He took time out of his trip to do that
I think about the person he was with
Do they not see this
How could you hear this or witness this and still stay
Eventually it will be you
I think about the person feeding him information about me and I feel sorry for her
I’ve seen the devil in him
I’ve experienced his wrath
The honeymoon is always short
It never lasts
Something will set him off
It always does
God I remember him crying in front of me
I remember holding him this one vulnerable moment and now I don’t even think that was real
He told me he loved me
I foolishly believed him
Silly of me to conflate the two
I remember when I experienced this in high school I promised myself I’d never ever feel this pain again
Well here I am…..
I want off this hamster wheel
I want to be done
I want this to be over
I’m revealing too much
Everything is spilling out everywhere and I’m trying my best to hold it all in but I need people to know that this is fucking happening
That it’s been happening
That im scared
Im paranoid
I feel alone even with the support I have
That I don’t trust anyone
god help me through this
Grant me strength in the court room
Let the judge rule in my favor
Let me get my life back
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life is good again (ordered something online)
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My abuser is getting out of prison
I want to crawl into a ball
I am hurt that my family cannot see the monster I see
How can they ignore the violence we experienced
I used to go to bed and wonder will he kill us, will he kill me....
And yet here they are welcoming him back with open arms
I know what this means and it brings me great sadness because I have to cut them out of my life. I cannot be around people who openly welcome someone who has caused me one of the greatest pains in my life
today I mourn the relationship I have with my mother that has been so hard to keep. Because deep down I know if I give her an ultimatum she will not choose me and I think that hurts more.
I am choosing to sit in these feelings. I cannot avoid them or numb myself. I must sit with this and find the ways to let go and get back my peace.
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HUGE list of free (!!) books by black authors and revolutionaries. includes writings by toni morrison, james baldwin, assata shakur, angela davis, malcolm x, audre lorde and frantz fanon.
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Video
This is why representation matters and why she is so important
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Due to personal reasons, I’ll be growing as a person and learning to love myself.
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Felt like a delight that day.
⚜️ IG: iridessence ⚜️
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this need to “prove” you’re “really” struggling is fcking everywhere
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Photo
Gale Sondergaard - Makeup and wardrobe tests (1938) for The Wizard of Oz (1939)
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