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Hope This Helps...
Why am I doing this?
One thing I've learned in my life is that no one has all the answers. Plus, sometimes the most obvious answers are the ones that need to be pointed out to us. I often find little snippets of information in the strangest places, and think to myself – ‘Duh! That's so obvious! Why didn't I figure this out on my own a whole lot sooner? It would have made my life soooo much easier’.
Growing up on a farm, you learn to be self-reliant. Along the way you (sometimes) also develop the perspective that asking for help can be seen as a weakness. Or you're just not used to asking for help; after all, the nearest neighbour is four miles down the road, so you just get used to dealing with and handling your own problems.
But this approach isn't always super-effective.
None of us knows everything. And the minute we try to segue into new territory, we probably will find we know absolutely nothing. This is when asking for help and advice really comes into play. This is why the smartest thing you can do is find someone familiar with the territory, ask for help and learn from their hard-won wisdom.
Now sometimes that's easier said than done. People can be very protectionist about their knowledge (hey, no judgement; everyone's on their own journey, right?). But there are ways around this. Maybe you can source someone amenable and supportive from your pool of personal and/or professional contacts. Maybe you have something you can offer them to create a mutually beneficial reciprocal arrangement. Maybe you'll need to hire them as a coach. The first thing you need to do is ask.
The second thing you need to do is pay it forward. Be open to sharing YOUR wisdom and knowledge with others who are still figuring their stuff out. Which brings me back to my opening sentence – why am I doing this? By this I mean ‘Working On Wisdom’, the blog, and @working.on.wisdom, the Instagram account.
I've done a lot of living in my day. I've hit a lot of walls at full speed, and I've found out a lot of really important, helpful, useful knowledge by doing so, from some really wonderful, smart, helpful people who I have crossed paths with along the way. This is my way of paying it back.
If one person can benefit from my mistakes, or the little snippets of wisdom, or the tips and tricks I've learned along the way, then sharing my s**t is worth it.
Is there some area of your life that could benefit from the wisdom, knowledge and experience of others? If so, get asking.
As always… hope this helps.
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My Anger Box
When the sh*tstorm that was my 'restructuring' happened, my husband told me that it was OK to be angry. Indeed, I could be as angry as I liked for the next two weeks, or even a month. Truly revel in my anger - take it out for walk daily if need be. But then I had to move on.
My husband is a wise man. Because when something truly odious happens to you, it is ok to feel angry. It is healthy to feel mad, enraged even, because you are totally justified in doing so. But the trick is knowing how to let go and more on.
I'm a pretty positive person, so I don't like spending my time with negative feelings. But in this instance it was needed. I needed to let the poison out so it would not fester and, ultimately, take me out.
To help myself move on quicker, I created my Anger Box. It is a little box in my psyche, where I have put my justified anger. Every once in a while, I let it out and have a little moment with it. I don't feel bad about doing so, I don't feel guilty. I just blow off a little steam, and thusly relieved, put the feelings back in my Anger Box.
By following this strategy I am not denying my feelings - ‘cause, boy, do I deserve to have them. But I am also not letting them run my life. They have their place, and I do not deny them that. But I also know when to say 'ok guys, that's enough. You need to go have little nap now'.
In the article 'What does anger do to your body? The physical and mental effects of anger' on thriveworks.com, Kate Hanselman (Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practioner) tells us that 'it’s healthy and normal to feel angry from time to time! However, if we don’t take the time to manage and recover from our anger, we’re at risk of suffering from negative effects — both physically and mentally'.
The article goes on to explain that anger releases huge amounts of cortisol and adrenaline into our bloodstream; this is a biological response which over the long term can interfere with the body’s ability to heal itself.
"Occasional anger is fine for the body — as long as there is a recovery time for the body to clear itself of cortisol and adrenaline. Constant and building anger are detrimental to the body and often are ignored because a person has become accustomed to living in a toxic and over-stimulated environment," adds John Sovec (Physchotherapist).
Patrice Douglas (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) also gives us a deeper explanation of what happens to the body when anger takes hold, and how harmful it can be.
"When we are angry, it takes three seconds for our body to go into full fight or flight mode, which means our body is ready to take on an attack. When angry, we stay in this state for approximately 30 minutes each time we are mad throughout the day. This creates exhaustion and wears on our bodies causing weaker immune systems, which then leads to a higher risk of infection.”
“Having body in attack mode can increase blood pressure and rapid heart beating, which can ultimately cause heart attacks or a stroke [later in life]. Many people report feeling exhaustion and headaches when having anger issues. While anger is an extremely important emotion to have as it alerts us when something is wrong and change needs to happen, health-wise it can be dangerous if it occurs frequently and/or lasts for too long.”
We can exhaust our bodies with anger, leading to weaker immune systems. And a weaker immune system means a greater risk of becoming sick."
Seems as if I am on the right track with my Anger Box. It keeps my anger in a healthy contained place, where it is not ruling my life. And, like dealing with a feral cat, each time I let it out it is a little less ferocious. I'm not saying there will ever come a time when it's cuddly, but I'm hoping that someday we will at least be able to peacefully co-exist.
Image sourced from a video by WorkshopTinkering on youtube.
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Jane of All Trades...
The quote 'A jack of all trades is a master of none' has always p****d me right off.
As someone who lives to learn new things, and try new things, and grow, the idea that this somehow makes me less successful as a person and a professional infuriates me. My inner response is always 'Really? Because I am pretty damn good at most of them'.
So imagine my delight when finding out that this ubiquitous quote is only half the story.
That's right. What Shakespeare REALLY said was: 'A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one.' OK. Now we are talking.
To quote Jodie Cook in her piece in Forbes magazine: "Holding a solid grasp of many concepts or decent proficiency in multiple skills can allow for flexibility, in a life and career."
I think this is especially true in the 21st century. Life is changing at the speed of light, and people need to be constantly evolving their skill set, their focus, even their careers. Jacks (and Janes) of all trades have been doing this for years. It's in their DNA.
I think this breadth of vision is especially important in the early years of career creation; especially if you are not really sure where you want to go.
"Picking an area and learning it inside-out is one way to begin a specialist career but trying lot of things can lead to self-discovery. To working out who you are and where your skills lie," writes Cook.
Now please note that I am not taking about 'dabbling'; by which I mean taking a superficial look at something, learning maybe 20% of what there is to learn on a subject then moving on. I am talking about people who put time and energy into learning all they can, and mastering as much as they can, about a particular subject.
I am constantly amazed by the wonderful twists and turns my life and career have taken because I threw myself into learning about something new that really interested me. Even if - on the surface - many these things seemed completely unrelated, in the fullness of time they actually joined together to create an invaluable skills map that I could take in any direction.
So... my advice to you is that if you find that you are getting bored of your life or career, or maybe it just doesn't have the fizz it once did, GO LEARN SOMETHING NEW!! Maybe it's something that has a practical application to what you already know; maybe it's something completely new, and is just about following your passion.
It's never been easier. There are so many short online courses you can sign up for to get a taste of what you are interested in. Also look at the program your local rec centers offer. Or go all out and have look at what's available at your local colleges or universities - or at their online options. There is something for every budget - both in terms of time and financial commitment.
Go learn something that you love. It will, at the very least, give you a new lease on life. It also may lead you to new wonderful places you never expected.
~
#workingonwisdom #startingover #golearnsomething #forbesmagazine #wisdom #inspiration #lifelonglearner
~
PS: You can read the full Forbes article here: (BTW... Forbes allows 4 free articles before you hit a pay wall!)
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Languishing in Langor-land
Since my last post, I have been surfing a veritable tsunami of emotions, with a ginormous dollop of ennui riding the crest.
Ennui: a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom.
No maybe it’s not quite ennui, 'cause boredom certainly doesn’t come into play.
Apathy maybe? The absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. A lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
Or maybe languor? A lack of energy or vitality; sluggishness. A lack of spirit or interest; listlessness; stagnation. A physical weakness or faintness. An emotional softness or tenderness.
Yup, I think that’s the one.
All I know is that I’m having a real hard time convincing myself to do much of anything.
In the blog post ‘What Is Languor and How to Deal With It’, Nidore Essentia describes languor (or the state of languishing) as follows:
“Languishing is the ignored child of mental health. It is the gap between depression and well-being: the absence of well-being. Languishing clouds your motivation, alters your ability to concentrate and triples the chances that you will reduce your work capacity.”
Nidore Essentia suggests ‘flow‘ as an antidote to languor.
“Flow is that elusive state of being engrossed in a meaningful challenge or momentary bond, in which your sense of time, space, and yourself fades.”
It’s about starting with small victories.”
According to Adam Grant (a psychologist and academic at the University of Pennsylvania who is quoted in the article): “One of the clearest paths to fluency is a manageable difficulty: a challenge that tests your skills and increases your determination.”
So today, my ‘manageable difficulty’ is creating a blog post about how I’m feeling. Job done.
Tomorrow is another day.
~
You can read the full article at https://www.nidoreessentia.com/en/science-and-smell/que-es-la-languidez-y-como-combatirla/
Image is taken from album cover for ‘Languor’ by ill.fitting, available on Spotify.
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Processing the Process
The problem with two life-altering, cataclysmic events happening within the same short period of time, is that - like wack-a-mole - one of them is always waiting to pop up and catch you when you least expect it.
Coming into the first Christmas without my mom, I was prepared for big feelings. My family battened down those hatches and we coped.
What I wasn’t expecting, after the presents were unwrapped, and the big meals eaten, and the guests heading for home, was to be hit full in the face with the existential angst of being unemployed.
I thought I had put most of these particular ghosts to rest, but I think maybe it has to do with the New Year looming, and no set plan of what to do next. I hate not contributing to our income, and feel I’ve let my family down.
In her piece ‘Five Painful Things to Do When You Lose Your Job’ in www.the muse.com , Elizabeth Alterman talks about the importance of acknowledging your feelings, but then moving on.
“… after you’ve been let go, you may find yourself experiencing a range of emotions: panic upon saying goodbye to a regular paycheck, exhilaration as you embrace life without a set routine, rage when you reflect on all the long hours you devoted to your former position—the list goes on.
Rather than get caught up in each of these, recognize that they’re all normal. But then—and this is the tough love talk everyone needs in this situation—move on and focus on the future.”
I think this is really important advice, as acknowledging our feelings airs out your wounds rather than letting them fester in silence, and the discomfort you feel can also be a spur to move forward.
Indeed, I think part of this psychic slump was due to my lack of productivity about where I’m going next. I have been very busy these last few months working on personal development, laying some foundations and getting back to fighting speed, all of which kept me pretty sane and centered.
Talking my foot off the gas for the holidays allowed some of the old demons and insecurities the space to sneak back into my head. Getting back and busy on my future plans, getting in control of what I can be in control of and, heck, even just writing about it in this blog is already giving me a new lease on life.
What I’m saying is movement is key. Physical movement, like going for a walk, exercising, doing yoga, or mental movement, like thinking, learning, planning are great ways to get your sad, sludgy internal systems moving again.
So I guess those are my words of wisdom for today. Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings; listen to them, honor them, and then let them go.
Then get busy doing whatever positive things you can that will contribute to your forward momentum.
The bad times are just a blip on your journey. So long as you don’t decide to sit down in the middle of them and make them your home, you will pass through them and come out in a different (and usually better) place.
It’s a process.
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My holiday wish for everyone this year is that you are able to take off the pressure.
Things don’t need to be perfect. Gifts are just things. Celebrate in imperfectness with those that you love. Laugh about the things that go wrong - they will make great future stories to reminisce over.
It doesn’t matter if your turkey is a little dry, or that you forgot to buy cranberry sauce. So what if your husband gave you a blender - everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Have hot chocolate and gather round the television to watch ‘A Christmas Carol’ or Die Hard’ - whatever your particular jam might be.
Take the pressure off yourself. Take the pressure of your expectations off those that you love. Make Christmas about love and joy and maybe even calm contemplation.
Take joy in being together. Or just being quiet and peaceful on your own. Christmas can be whatever you want.
I have a number of friends on their own this Christmas; some by choice, some from illness (oh that pesky, still-hanging-in-there corona virus), some due to weather conditions, travel chaos and other out-of-their-control factors.
If this is you, don’t despair. Make it a day for YOU. Have your favourite food and drink. Listen to your favourite music. Read your favourite books. Pamper yourself. FaceTime or Skype some of your favourite people. Practice gratitude. But don’t pressure yourself into trying to make the day something that (for you) it’s not.
Lastly, Remember those who aren’t here this year with fondness. They will be watching. I plan to share lots of stories about my lovely mom and her various Christmas exploits.
Like the time my husband and I had to go dumpster diving on Christmas morning because we had accidentally thrown away the old custard tin that -unbeknownst to us - mom kept her housekeeping money in. (BTW, we found it, and Christmas was saved!)
It’s ok to feel sad, but try to concentrate on the feelings of love. We will miss my mom terribly this year, but also know that she is in our hearts. We have put a crystal star on our tree to represent her. Please remember that people are never truly gone as long as we remember them.
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A New Horizon
So what do you do when your world implodes? If you are anything like me, you probably: 1) swear - a lot; 2) cry - a lot; and 3) drink copious amounts of alcohol. And that's ok, because at this point you really need some catharsis. But, when the dust settles, and you are looking out into the big scary abyss of your future, you need a plan for moving forward.
'Moving forward' is key here. Because you can't just sit in your crisis and hope it will pass on it's own. Or that anyone will come and save you. You need to figure out what you are going to do next.
Your first step might be knowing you need time to heal. You might be exhausted, and emotional and sad, and these are not great places from which to make big life decisions. My husband, very wisely, insisted that I take 3 months off and DO NOTHING - no big life decisions, no crazily trying to fill the void of my lost job by just bouncing into anything that presented itself.
But 'doing nothing' did include doing a few important things.
Firstly, I got a recommendation for a good therapist. Someone who would be able to help me unpack everything I was feeling, and could help me see the wood between my trees. It was so helpful to be able to sift through my s**t with someone supportive, completely impartial and who came equipped with a whole tool bag of things I could do to help myself through the pain and confusion.
Secondly, I took the time to really start thinking about what I wanted from my life. What I wanted the next chapter to look like. I'm not saying that I will get everything, but at least I am building a solid foundation from which to make decisions. I started reading helpful and interesting books, like 'The Artist's Way' by Julia Cameron (and doing the exercises to help me reconnect with my creative self); 'The Five Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom' by Don Miguel Ruez; and of course, revisiting everything Dr. Wayne Dyer has ever written.
Thirdly, I started learning. I went online and looked for classes and/or workshops in things I was really interested in, or skillsets I wanted to improve. I am a great believer in education - and self education - and that the learning process will always open new vistas in your reality. To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow."
Do I know where I'm going next? Nope. Not yet. But I do know that right now my path is wonderfully interesting, and growth-filled. As long as I keep moving forward, and learning, and growing, I trust that there is something wonderful waiting for me just down the road.
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Season's Greet-ings
No, my title does not have a punctuation error. I am making a play on words, incorporating 'greet' (which is Scottish slang for 'to cry') as a way to suggest the Christmas season can be challenging if you have lost someone.
Last weekend, I attended a Candlelight Christmas Service put on by the funeral home that helped me with my mom's arrangements. The service was for anyone who had lost their loved ones that year, and included a choir, a photo slide show, candle lighting for your loved one, and several guest speakers. As you can imagine, there were a lot of tears shed.
However, there were also comfort, and glimmers of hope for a way forward.
One thing that really resonated with me was from a wonderful speaker who had lost his wife five years previously. He shared the thought that grief is an intensely personal journey for everyone. No one but you had the special relationship that you and your loved one did, so no one else will have the same experience of grief over their loss either.
A simple but profound statement.
The former pastor also sagely pointed out that the grief journey was just that - a journey. It is something to be travelled through to arrive at a different destination on the other side. The world you arrive at will not the the same world you started in, because your loved one is no longer in it. But it is a world where you can begin to heal, and remember your loved one with cherished memories.
These are two thoughts I will be holding close to my heart as we begin heading towards the first Christmas without my mom. I only wish I could share them with her. I know she would have found them very wise.
#workingonwisdom
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What Doesn't Kill Us
(Makes Us Really Really Tired)
Something you don’t really think about ahead of time when it comes to dealing with grief is the exhaustion.
The utter bone-crushing, can’t cope exhaustion.
The ‘it’s 6:30 pm but I have to go to bed right now’ and the ‘please don’t give me anything even resembling slightly bad news or I will collapse into a tiny little heap on the floor’ exhaustion.
What the heck is going on?
Erin O'Connor from betterhelp.com breaks down exactly how grief can wipe us out.
"Because grief can be so complicated and overwhelming, it can also cause people to become tired. There is a spectrum of emotions that people experience when grieving that range from sadness to depression to anger to betrayal and many more. The nature of experiencing so many different emotions in a short period of time can make a person feel tired.”
And that’s not all.
“Often, when someone is experiencing the depths of grief, they have difficulty sleeping because their mind is constantly racing with thoughts about the grief or the person they have just lost. The stress, combined with lack of sleep, can also make a person tired and physically and emotionally exhausted. The sense of loss of a person, the feelings of emptiness and hopelessness, along with possible increased isolation, adds to the level of stress, which can, in turn, exacerbate the exhaustion."
That makes so much sense. Every day feels like running an emotional marathon. Just. So. Many. Feelings.
Additionally, in the article ‘Understanding Grief’ on what’syourgrief.com, Eleanor Haley identifies a number of ways 'grief exhaustion' may manifest.
“The first thing to consider is that there is more than one way to feel tired.
For example, there’s physical exhaustion, which might result from being on your feet all day, intense exercise, or a sheer lack of sleep.
Next, there’s being emotionally and/or mentally exhausted where your body might have what it needs to function, but your brain just feels weary or overloaded.
Finally, there’s a general sense of fatigue that can be caused by a wide range of lifestyle, physical, or mental health factors and feels like a chronic lack of motivation or energy.”
The last two have certainly found their way into my day. Every day.
Lastly, in Webmail.com’s article ‘How Grief Shows Up In Your Body’, Stephanie Hairston explains the physical impact grief has on the body:
“A range of studies reveal the powerful effects grief can have on the body.
Grief increases inflammation, which can worsen health problems you already have and cause new ones.
It batters the immune system, leaving you depleted and vulnerable to infection.
The heartbreak of grief can increase blood pressure and the risk of blood clots.
Intense grief can alter the heart muscle so much that it causes ‘broken heart syndrome’, a form of heart disease with the same symptoms as a heart attack.”
They aren’t kidding when they say grief can kill you.
Image sourced from self.com
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Where There's A Will...
What is it about death that brings out the worst in families?
I don’t even know where to go from that last statement.
I’d like to say something profound and philosophical, but honestly I’m flummoxed.
So flummoxed, in fact, that I plugged ‘why do families fight over inheritance’ into Google (the font of all knowledge) and a very interesting article from estate planning.com popped up.
According to them:
“There are five basic reasons why families fight in matters of inheritance:
First, humans are genetically predisposed to competition and conflict;
Second, our psychological sense of self is intertwined with the approval that an inheritance represents, especially when the decedent is a parent;
Third, we are genetically hardwired to be on the lookout for exclusion, sometimes finding it when it doesn’t exist;
Fourth, families fight because the death of a loved one activates the death anxieties of those left behind; and finally,
Fifth: in some cases, one or more members of a family has a partial or full-blown personality disorder that causes them to distort and escalate natural family rivalries into personal and legal battles.
These sources of family conflict are not mutually exclusive; in most cases, some combination of the five elements present themselves in a combustible cocktail of family rivalry and conflict.”
This is pretty enlightening. Indeed, I can identify a number of my family dynamics at play in the above list.
It doesn’t make the situation any easier, or less painful, but I do believe knowledge is power. I think understanding is key to keeping one's own sense of mental and emotional balance in the eye of the storm. At the very least, having an understanding of what is going on behind other people’s curtains helps to lessen the negative impact of their actions.
Kinda.
To quote Sir Elton John: “It’s sad, so sad. It’s a sad time situation. And it’s getting more and more absurd.”
Such is my life at the moment. Hashtag sad face. :-(
Image sourced from ruthanddavid.com
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Taking a Deep Breath
So here’s what happened.
For several years I have been working across two departments in my company. I managed a number of college programs on one side, the lent my writing and editorial skills to our marketing department on the other. For the past 6-9 months I had been having discussions and slowly segueing into a role solely in marketing. As recently as two weeks previously, I was working with the department line manager to define my new job description. As recently as 10 days ago I had a start date of July 11th.
Then my mom died. At 99 it wasn’t unexpected, but it still obviously SUCKED. Slowly getting back to work I have a meeting set up, to my knowledge, to finalize my new contract. Instead... I was informed the job no longer existed due to ‘restructuring’, and I was - as of that moment - unemployed. And don’t let the door hit me on the way out.
I. Was. Devastated.
This is a company I have put heart and soul into for eight years, because that’s who I am. I have great relationships with my co-workers and line managers. I’m a world class problem-solver and fire putter-outer. Students like and respect me. Trust me, I bring a lot to the party.
Oh, and did I mention this meeting happened the day before my mother’s cremation. Classy move dudes.
So this sets up the context, but what I really want to talk about is the emotional fall out. I felt like I had just had another death in the family; and in some respects I have. If you love your job, and enjoy your coworkers, then loosing that situation, that environment, is like a death.
(Note: Please don't get me wrong, NOTHING equates to the loss of my mother. But losing my job as well? Didn't. Exactly. Help.)
An article by torontopsychology.com states: “Losing a job has negative impacts not just on your financial health, but also your physical and mental health. Several studies have demonstrated a clear connection between being laid off and increased rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, trauma and suicide.”
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
The article adds that some common experiences people report after being let go include:
A loss in meaning and purpose,
Low motivation and zest for life,
Loss of what gave structure and routine to your daily life,
Sense of helplessness, feeling like one is not useful,
Loss in the ability to apply personal skills to a project that leads to positive outcomes and gives you a sense of agency and personal autonomy,
Loss of a socially valued role and social contacts,
Feelings of grief, anger, and sadness.
Tick. Times seven. I've got some work to do figuring out how to move past this situation, but at least I now feel validated for how bad I feel.
I guess that’s something.
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Starting Over
Ten years ago I started a blog tracing the six months leading up to my turning 50, and the six months after. The idea was to really examine the situation, how it effected me, and identify things that had - along the way - held great meaning to me.
It was an interesting process, and I learned a lot about myself along the way. Socrates said that 'an unexamined life is not worth living', and I think there is wisdom in that.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines 'taking stock' as: To take stock (of something) is to think carefully about a situation or event and form an opinion about it, so that you can decide what to do. I think it is very wise to take stock of our lives from time to time to identify what's working, what isn't, and how we want to move forward. Turning 50 seemed to be a good time for this, and it was.
Now ten years later I seem to be starting a new journey. I have turned 60 this past year (how on earth did THAT happen?!). If that wasn't hard enough to get my head around, within a two week period lost my beloved mother (who was also my best friend), and suddenly (without any warning what-so-ever) was let go from a company I have put heart and soul into for 8 years -- on pretty much the eve of my moving into a new position with them.
WOW.
Just. Wow.
How do I even begin to navigate this?
I guess we’ll find out. Let the stock taking begin.
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